War. War Never Changes.

What a crock of shit.

Madison Dyson pulled her leather duster closer as she stood amidst the detritus of the Commonwealth. Shattered buildings rose around her like the broken teeth of some foul gaping maw. She had never quite gotten used to it, that feeling of being swallowed up by the ruinous city. Nonetheless, it was a feeling she had had to cast aside repeatedly, because her work necessitated it.

And what work was that?

The Synth Retention Bureau.

Madison had signed on just under a year ago, after a semi-successful career as a gun for hire operating out of New Vegas. Normally, the reclusive Institute did not cotton to outsiders, and often preferred using their own synthetic Coursers to track down their rogue synthetics. But Madison’s reputation had preceded her, and a series of, ehhhh, “complications” in Vegas had found her in great need of a new gig.

Of course, it helped that Madison had bought into the Institute ethos hook, line, and sinker.

For she truly did believe the Institute was the wave of the future. Their advanced technology and development of synthetic humanoids would not just revolutionize the nature of war, but of society wholescale. It certainly didn’t hurt that their compensation package was second to none either.

Which brought her here. Outside the remains of one of many interchangeable cement facades torn asunder by the trials of years of violence and natural decay. But this particular building was special. Not just any ordinary dilapidated apartment complex, it was home to not just her synth quarry Cypher, but the three Railroad operatives that were protecting him as well. After putting the screws (literally) to a Railroad courier she had happened upon, Madison had managed to identify the Railroad operatives she had had to contend with as well. Except for one, anyway.

Corey Black
Barney Green
And…..some broad who was probably utterly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Speak of the devil.

Madison hunkered down in her position across the street, utilizing a bus as the staging ground for her opening assault. The broad had seemingly stepped outside for a look around. Madison brought the scope of her sniper rifle up to her eye and glared down the sights, which cast the unknown and most likely useless female in an unflattering shade of off green. Drawing a bead on this complete rando, Madison honed in on her forehead before pulling back on the trigger. One bout of recoil later and this generic bitch had a smoking hole dead center in her skull.

One down, two to go.

Hunkering down low, Madison advanced on the apartment complex. Having scoped out the place for the last three days, she knew there was a fire escape on the south side that led up to the roof. Huffing it to her target, Madison made her way there in double time and took hold of the ladder, scaling it to the top of the crumbling structure. Once there, the collapsed roof presented an inviting point of egress into the building. With a series of careful, practiced steps, she found herself on the top floor of the complex. Ducking into a nearby apartment, she secured a moment to gather her thoughts and plan her next move.

Thankfully, the stooge-like level of incompetence of these Railroad operatives soon gave Barney Green away. 

Guys! Guys! Barney drawled into his radio. Madison’s ears perked up. He must have been no further than the end of the hall. She readied her sidearm.

I found the motherload!

Hey Barn, I thought I said radio silence?! A voice that could only be Corey Black responded.

But I found a ton of porn in this apartment. And some of it is, are you ready???? T-GIRL PORN!

…. I’ll be right up.

Madison clapped a hand to her mouth to stifle her laughter. Before long, she heard a clomping coming up the nearby staircase as a breathless (and likely extremely horny) Corey Black exploded out onto the floor. D-did you say T-GIRL PORN?!

I did! Check this shit out!

Madison heard the creaks and groans of the pitched floor complain under Barney Green’s waddle as he made his way towards Corey. He wouldn’t get very far however.

No…check THIS shit out! Madison cried out as she abandoned her hiding place and leapt out into the hall. The shock barely had time to register on Corey and Barney’s faces as she lit them up with her sidearm. The massacre almost seemed to occur in slow motion, as bullets punched through the Railroad operatives bodies, and the air in the hall was punctuated by gouts of blood and shorn pictures of transexual porn stars.

When it was done, Madison surveyed the rapidly cooling bodies before her and just shook her head derisively. If this was a video game, which it most assuredly was NOT, somebody had definitely set the difficulty to “very easy”.

Just then, Barney’s radio crackled to life again, and the final piece of the puzzle made himself known.

Hey guys…did you say something about porn?! It was Cypher.

Madison considered her options for a moment before scooping up the radio. She grimaced as she noted the back of it was slick with blood, and held it away from her face as she pressed the button and started to speak into it.

Uhhhh……yeah! Tons of PORN!

Hey, who is this?

Madison muttered a curse. Perhaps she had overplayed her hand. But she was committed to it now and had no recourse but to follow through if she wanted to capture her quarry and bring him back to the Institute for reprogramming. It’s…uhhhh….you know….that one broad.

An interlude of silence on the other end of the radio sank Madison’s heart into her gut, but only momentarily.

Oh yeah! Sorry I never thought to memorize your name. It didn’t seem important! Is it safe for me to come up?

Uh…no, no, no! Better stay where you are. I’ll bring this heaping helping of deviant smut to you! Madison looked askance at the bodies. So, hey, why don’t you remind me, where are you again?

The boiler room! In the basement, silly!

Oh, of course! Well, I’ll be down momentarily.

Madison clipped the bloodied radio to her belt, and was simply aghast at the sheer, unfettered idiocy on display. It was nothing short of incredible that these imbeciles had survived in the wasteland as long as they did. Madison made her way down to the basement, and once reaching the door conveniently marked boiler room, she flung it open and pointed her gun inside. The synth known as Cypher was standing there, with his pants around his ankles.

Just getting ready….wait a tic, who the hell are you?!

Synth Retention Bureau! Unit, get on your knees and put this on! Madison tossed a shock collar towards the pantless synth.

Oh shit! I should’ve known! Cypher tossed his hands in the air. Look lady, you have to believe me….I’m-I’m HUMAN! As human as you!

Madison snorted. Like I haven’t heard that one before. You’re an advanced model synth, Cypher. You only THINK you’re human. But you’re not. Now put that damn collar on and get your ass in gear.

But you’re making a grave mistake! Cypher cleared his throat before starting to monologue. I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off (the) shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams….

Yeah, yeah, yeah Blade Runner this, moving soliloquy that. You think you’re the first synth to try that shit?

Damn! Dejected, Cypher picked up the collar and clipped it on. So what am I going to be refurbished into?

Well, even the Institute needs toilet scrubbers.

The shot suddenly closes in on Cypher’s face as he lets out a mournful howl.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Just then, Madison’s own radio started to crackle to life.

Madison…Madison are you there?

Shut up, Cypher! Madison barked before returning her attention to the radio. Syn, is that you?

Yeah. Meet me at the Red Rocket station. You know the one. We gotta talk.

Righto. Be there in about 60. Over and out. Madison replaced her radio and then cocked an eyebrow at Cypher.

You gonna pull up your pants or what?


A good rule of thumb that I’ve always carried with me is start with what’s right in front of you. And boy oh boy, when what’s right in front of me is such a delectable morsel of abject stupidity I think I just might abide by my own law of the land!

It thrills me to no end to see that that reedy computer toucher Cypher has drafted the second most worthless team in the entire War Games line up. With the winner of course being Fuzz’s team.

I mean, Barney Greens’ worthlessness speaks for itself. The man with one of the loosingest records in the entire XWF, Thad Duke knew exactly what he was doing when he signed on to face Green to give himself a gimme at Relentless. The only smart thing you did Cypher was draft this t-girl worshipping gelantinous blob of a man last.

And speaking of worthless, how about Serenity Holmes? You know, I hate doing the whole “who the fuck is that” shtick, I think it’s pretty hackneyed. But in this case my God does it fit. I mean, I at least heard of guys like SEB, and Corey Black, and Cypher before they reached the XWF, but Serenity Holmes? Like….fuckin’ WHO? I can only assume that your complete lack of name recognition can only be the result of the kind of milquetoast career that people forget as soon as they get up for a piss break.

Which, of course, brings me to Corey Black. Allow me to state it plain, kiddos. Corey Black is a whiny bitch made bint! And I’ve got receipts! Roll that beautiful bean footage!


Hahahahahaha! And thus did Corey Black impotently scream into the void, “I’m not owned! I’m not owned!” What a knob! This is a perfect example of the kind of self defense that just makes you look like a total pussy in the end. Corey, like, if you couldn’t even defend your championship from a simple rollup in a hallway, what the fuck makes you think you could have defended it in an actual match? Who are you trying to kid?! Jesus wept what a nutless beta male. Good job Cypher. Way to steal a loser out from under SEB.

But of course, Cypher’s team isn’t the only other team in this thing. There’s a veritable smorgasbord of flakes, fuck-ups, and wasters in this War Games line up. On that note, it is my pleasure to present to you….


Dolly Waters: You all just HAD to know I was starting here! Bitch, give my girl Misty her body back! I mean it’s not like you’re doing anything worthwhile with it! The only thing you’re good for is getting dry humped by Thad Duke and losing YET ANOTHER Universal Championship match! You are the very definition of a perennial mid carder, Dolly. And nothing’s ever going to change that. At least MIsty was fresh! You? You’re just what Thad and Corey Smith left behind.


Atara Raven: Mrs. “Arm Candy Extrordinnairre” herself. Never have I seen a paltry hot chick gimmick dressed up so pretentiously. Never have I seen someone so completely overrated. Atara Raven, who recently couldn’t be arsed to cut a promo against Bobby Bourbon, is sure to put max effort into this bitch seeing as how she’s separated from her husband and source of all relevance James Raven. A last round draft pick dressed up as something more, Atara is as sure to disappoint and underwhelm as she has her entire XWF career.


FUZZ: Fuck you bitch! And yeah, I’m still dead naming your ass! For those who are unaware, Fuzz cashed in his 24/7 briefcase on the second Universal champion I managed. And not only did he almost fuck that up, but the only way he was able to pull it off was with the DIRECT INTERVENTION OF MANAGEMENT. Yes, that’s right, management prevented me and my champion from leaving the arena, setting Fuzz up to score the victory after he literally had to poison AND electrocute The Engineer to walk away with the dubya. I mean, how pathetic is that? He came a taint’s hair away from being the only person to whiff on a surprise cash in, and only succeeded because Lane and Pryce WANTED him to be champion for some ungodly reason. No surprise that this utter waste of space not only botched the captain’s match but drafted the absolute WORST team this entire War Games. God it’s going to be so delicious watching you FAIL!


Prince Adeyemi: Actually, wait hold on…


 …..okay, thats better! My prince, I don’t hold it against you for failing to draft me. I’m quite sure you were getting around to it and the allure of a big name like James Raven was hard to resist. But did you happen to notice something, my prince? Did you happen to notice that the expiration date on James Raven had long since expired? I mean, there was a point in time when people would have been SLAVERING to pick James up. And yet, he stuck around in the draft order until YOU got to him. Not far from the first pick admittedly, but I have a theory. You see, I think picking James was a sucker’s game. I think most of the field saw James for what he was, a past his prime riding on name recognition from year’s past. But that’s okay my prince, how could you have known that being as new to the XWF as you are? Even still, honey you DID fuck up by not picking me first, and I’m gonna prove it by getting further in this bitch than James could have ever hoped to.


SEB: Yes SEB, it’s you. And I’m going to call it here and now. SEB’s team is going to the finals. And SEB is going to be IN the finals. You heard it here first. And considering that SEB is the present “hot thing du jour” it’s going to be an honor and a privilege to completely obliterate a sitting Universal Champ in the finals! SEBBY, you got “target” written all over you. And you’re beyond delusional if you think you’re going to survive the glorified handicap match that the finals are going to turn into. Ciao, wanker!