In this context pumpkins mean butts. And smashing refers to anal sex. ANYWAY I’ve been tasked with the most spooky quest!

To go somewhere I hoped to never go again…


XWF HEADQUARTERS!!!

(bloody scream SFX)

(wolf howl SFX)

(clown horn SFX)

That last one was me honking my junk. As I make my way down the horrid corridors tackily drenched in halloween decor I thrust open the doors to one Vinnie Lane’s waiting room; removing my Balenciaga sunglasses, strutting towards the receptionist who taps away on her phone whilst chewing gum like the goddamn hot pile of stereotype she is I place a delicate manicured finger on the bell in front of her. She stops smacking her lips and starts salivating at the sight of me.

“Hey beautiful, Dick Powers has CUM here to see one Vincent Lane! I have an appointment!”

I say with a subtle hip thrust. She stammers as her eyes lower to my midriff, this cut-off Fall cardigan really accentuates my rippling abs and cum gutters. That’s that sexy V shape on your groin muscles, not that any of you watching this would know.

She clears her throat and speaks into that thingy. You know what I mean!

“Mister Lane, there’s a Dick Powers here to see you.”

I place my very impractical glasses into my cardigan pocket as I fix my hair. Fix being a loose term, I look fucking amazing! She smiles and looks back up to me.

“Take a seat, he’ll be right with you.”

“No problemo, doll, adieu!”

I reach for her hand to kiss but she stares at me in a face that looks like disgust but cannot possibly be disgust! And I move on. HER LOSS!

I saunter over to the seating area when my eyes catch some kind of toad person sitting down looking up at me.

“Ew.”

[i]I turn my back on the creature and stand looking around the room with my arms folded for a moment until I hear it.

“Oh! Um…”

I slowly turn around to the goblin looking back at me with those sad eyes.

“You’re Mister Dick Powers, correct? Of Dick Powers Quarterly?”

A sneer sticks to my face as I glare at this putrid monstrosity.

“... Yeah.”

It sniffles and scoots forward on its chair, I take an involuntary step back.

“Which means… You own a majority stock in XWF, right? And you’re here to see Mister Lane…”

My brow furrows and I look left and right before squinting at it with a slight head turn.

“... Yuh.”

“Great, good… Uh, good.” It looks around and talks to me in a hushed tone. “Mister Powers, I’m Peter. Uh, Principle? I run Warfare and… Well,  I kinda-sorta-arguably-not-even-really… messed up and Mister Lane is… NOT happy with me. So, I was wondering if you could possibly maybe consider putting in a good word for me to… uh… mellow his great boss fury? From one business sex-man to… uh, me.”

I blink slowly.

“Babe, why would I do that? I don’t care about your little wrestling show. I care about making money and fucking and you’re doing neither for me right now.”

It sits back a little dejected and nods.

“Right. Uh… right. Stupid of me to ask…”

The doors to Vinnie’s office burst open and I scream like a little gir-I MEAN A MAN A BIG STRONG MAN!

“EW! Vinnie what the hell happened to you!?”

Vinnie looks at me weird, my eyes glance over every wrinkle in his face like I’m scanning a 3D map of the Grand Canyon.

“What are you talkin’ bout, Dickie?”

“Nothing… You look great! You been… Moisturizing?”

“Oh no, kinda forgot to do that for a while. All naturale, baby!”

“... Yeah…”

I can’t stop looking at all those creases. It’s consuming me. Vinnie turns his head to that thing from before and looks back to me.

“Peter hasn’t been talking to you has he?”

“Who’s Peter?”

I reply whilst looking around the room.

“Petey here is on time-out! Hombre has been no bueno, Dick”

Vinnie points to the troll sitting down and I reluctantly look to him.

“You know what he did? Gave vacations to booked stars, saying yes to every demand no matter how much money it sucks from me, the TV champ up n’ quitting on his watch!”

Vinnie shakes his head as Peter lowers his. Lane then points over Peter at the other guy sitting beside him who I only just noticed.

“And that dude! Atticus! He’s been on payroll for God knows how long and hasn’t done a lick of work in over two years! Say, Atticus! How much do I spend on Photoshop for you?”

“... Technically it’s Adobe Creative Cloud with Photoshop added on-”

“How much dude!”

“... $128 monthly…”

Atticus hangs his head in shame as Vinnie taps by rock hard pecs.

“$128! And I found out he doesn’t even use it! He uses this thing called GIMP!”

lol gimp…

“Which is FREE! So where does the money go, Atticus?”

There’s a beat of silence.

“... Pizza parties…”

“Pizza parties. Which I’m not invited to! Which honestly is the real thing that hurts the most!”

Vinnie gives the most serious shake of the head I’ve ever seen as he looks down at Atticus, with a sigh he turns to me.

“Come in my office, broseph, we’ll talk incognito.”

I usher past Lane as he gives one final look outside before closing the doors.

“I told you the pizza parties were a bad idea! You got us in trooooooouble!”

“We had a good thing going, Pete! Before you ruined it!”

“I ruined it!? N-no! I-I just said YES to people! Which they LIKED!!! Gah… I-I… GRR!”

Peter shakes his head in exasperation… I’m guessing, I’m technically not there. I'm in Lane’s office but for some reason we’re focusing on these two losers.

“Say, we can just change our names and try again. I’ve done it like twice!”

“I ain’t changing my name, I’m a goddamn legacy down here.”

The two turn to a handsome man with great hair and speak in unison.

“Shut up, Bashmaster!”
“Shut up, Bashmaster!”

Back to the good stuff, Vinnie sits at his desk and kicks his feet up taking a stressful pull on a vape. I lounge in the chair across wistfully reminiscing of when we did cocaine instead of not doing cocaine… Man, I love cocaine.

“I don’t know what to do amigo, XWF’s been hemorrhaging moola. Theo retired-”

“Theo Pryce retired?”

“Yeah, dude! Real buzzkill.”

“Theo Pryce… Guy in his mid-thirties… Retired?”

“Yeah, man!”

“Lazy bitch!”

“Totes! And Petey… Bless the dude’s soul, he’s a good guy but everything that’s happened under his watch has to be his fault because if it isn’t his fault then it’s mine! And no way am I taking the heat for that! I could blame Thaddeus but he’s… Sensitive, y’know?”

“Thad Duke got a position here now too? Thad Duke? Star of Incels Quarterly?”

“Yeah, dude! He has good connections, what can I say? Basically, Dick, I’m in a tight spot so… I may need a little financial support, comprende?”

“Oh… Yeah, dude! I totally got you!”

“Sweet! Thanks homie, I totally preesh your help.”

“Not me, man! I’ve already sunk too much money in this place! But listen, I’ve been looking at the stocks and noticed a downturn and I’m gonna be hard with you… No fucker with a brain is gonna buy into XWF. BUT! You’ve got something in this company that a certain person likes a lot and if you’re willing to sell, they’re willing to buy.”

“Sell XWF?”

Vinnie’s face darkens as he sits up right.

“I dunno, dude, that’s heavy even for me! I want things to just be copacetic again, I have never sold out and I ain’t planning on doing so now!”

“Vin, listen to me, XWF’s going down quicker than a drunk college chick on The Hub. Wrestling ain’t selling anymore, dog! You got a company full of part-time divas with other opportunities.”

Vinnie sighs rubbing his scalp, my head turns to the TV on in the corner of the room.

((Tyres screeching))

(( ROGUE COURT!!! ))

My eyebrow twitches upward.

“The hell is Rogue Court?”

Vinnie looks behind at the TV.

(( “YA DONE JUSTICE VAN DER BEEK! YOU AND THAT LIMEY IN THE POWDERED WIG CAUSED OVER ONE MILLION DOLLARS OF DAMAGE IN TAXPAYER MONEY TO BOISE, IDAHO! YA CAN’T JUST HANG THE JURY! TURN IN YOUR GAVEL AND ROBE!” ))

“I dunno, probably just some inside joke I’d ignore it.”

I squint.

“Executive producers Mark Flynn and Gator? Ain’t they your guys?”

“What!? Is this on XWF Network? Or XWFlix?”

Vinnie fully turns to the TV as I ponder on how to pronounce XWFlix correctly… Is it XW-Flix or XWF-lix? Hmmmm…

“IT’S NOT! IT’S ON CBS!!! WHY THE HECK IS IT ON CBS!!!?!!?!”

Vinnie turns around to me in fury hitting his vape pen which really take the tension out of the air.

“Dick, whose this guy who wants to buy XWF? I wanna meet with him.”

“No promises yet, let’s just say he REALLY loves the letter ”X”.”

The scene slowly fades to bl-

“Xzibit!?”

“No, dude.”

“Oh… That’s a shame.”

... The scene slowly fades to blac-

“Oh almost forgot, sorry, since you stepped foot into XWF HQ and you’re not management, you are contractually obligated to have a match.”

“But I’m not even a wrestler!”

“Sorry, dude! Them’s the rules.”

I fold my arms in a stinker.

"This is the worst day ever!"

The scene FINALLY fades to black.[/i]