The shot opens with an American flag waving gallantly in the breeze…before suddenly a robot bald eagle enters the frame, unfurling its wings and revealing missile launchers as a hard rock soundtrack kicks in and the image quickly transitions to shots of brown people in various third world shitholes getting their dookie pushed in by America’s premier fighting forces!

As those shots fade we cut to a soundstage where Madison Dyson is sitting at a huge desk.

Welcome back to this special RETURN edition of THE RIGHT IDEA WITH MADISON DYSON. And just as I promised you before we went to break, our next segment is a goodie! Because I’m going to break down the TOP TEN people currently threatening our American way of life. Let’s kick this pig!

The shot cuts abruptly again and Madison turns to face it. Enemy of freedom number one…..DICK DRIZZLE! Why?

MAN BOOBS.

Dick this country has a hard enough time enforcing gender as GOD sees fit without people like you and your desiccated, hanging milkers threatening to confuse us further. Take your geriatric ass elsewhere Dick, because we’re not having it!

Enemy of freedom number two…SUMMER PAGE!

Because you know, at a time when America needs the ingenuity of guys like Elon Musk more than at any other time in history, the last thing we need is some dull, overtrod pastiche of a gimmick like Summer’s. Oh boy, it’s spoiled hot chick number 4,327! We’ve never seen that before. Christ Summer, show America something new, you HACK!

Number three….Mr. OZ! Because for as much as this guy likes to tout himself as a “villain’s villain” his track record would seem to suggest something closer to Lord Licorice from Candyland. Seriously, this guy is no more frightening that than the beta bitch mewlings of Corey Black on Twitter!

And speaking of betas….number four is CAMERON PARKER! Ohhhhh boy, have I see this simp’s beta energy up close or what? Honey, we beat Razor and Latoya in SPITE of you, not because of you, because you don’t have the balls to do what needs to be done! And why? All so you can hang some sort of contrived moral highground over all our heads? Get fucked you goody-two-shoed grandstanding pustule!

And now speaking of Razor, guess who’s number five? Maybe somebody should clue this sad sack in that American is a country of WINNERS. Yet the only match Razor here has won was against the thoroughly washed up duo of Vinne Lane and Michael Graves. But you know what makes Razor even more insidious to American than his chronic failure? His lack of genetic purity. Seriously, nobody is more AUTISTIC in the XWF than Razor, except maybe Mark “Rain Man” Flynn. So do us all a favor Razor and DO NOT PROCREATE WITH LATOYA!

Number six? Misty Waters. Ahhhh.,...I’m just foolin’! You’re just here to round us out to an even ten you wonderful, beautiful noxious cunt! See ya at the after party!

Number seven? Big Preesh. More like BIG HEART DISEASE! American has a bonafide obesity problem and this sweaty sack of long pig accounts for at least half of it. I got one word for you fat ass: WEGOVY.

As for eight…well we’re right back to the autism spectrum again with Mastermind! No offense Elon (you’re the exception, not the rule baby!), but if you sperg lords could manage to do something more significant than commit every line of dialogue of My Little Pony to memory and lose matches, think of how much better off America would be! 

And then there were nine. And quite frankly, nine is the only other one in this match that matters to me.

Centurion.

Centurion, who is no doubt going to crow about his victory over me to try to conceal the chain of abject failure that has followed, is just about the saddest mother fucker in this whole thing. Because after rescuing his career from jaws of yours truly, what has he done with it? Lose, bitch, and have an existential breakdown. And where did he end up? Right back on Anarchy competing for the same mid card title he’s already won three times because that’s ya ceiling, hunty!

And let’s not forget, Centy. It took you THREE TRIES to beat little old me. And the first time I beat you? Why, it was in a multiple person sitch kinda like this one. In fact, I came within a taint’s hair of winning that one too. And the only person who managed to stop me, Sean Parker, is nowhere to be found in this match!  And I went through MULTIPLE other people and still beat you, Cent. Ya know, they say lightning doesn’t strike twice in the same place, but in this case? I think they’re full of shit. Cry more Centy. And get ready to FAIL once again!

And finally, we come to number ten! The mystery contender. The…wait…huh?

Madison presses a hand to her ear piece.

You’re saying I missed…Marisol…Marisol WHO? Madison shakes her head dismissively. That sounds like some local news network’s diversity hire! Who gives a shit!

Madison returns her attention front and center.

Have no fear America, I got the inside scoop on who the mystery competitor is. And, well, you’re not gonna like it! It’s….




….IMANE KHELIF!

Listen dickhead, undescended testicles are STILL testicles. And for as much as I’m sure Thad Duke can’t wait for the relevancy rub for bringing you in, you’re in for a rude awakening when you find out that the chicks in the XWF don’t fold after one punch!

Now listen…ALL of you. It’s my turn now. MINE! Seven months ago I almost won this title in similar circumstances. This time? It becomes reality. And there's not a goddamn thing any of you can do. Especially you Cent. God knows you've forgotten how to win anyway.

Anarchy? Fuck yeah.