The throaty shout of Micheal Graves echoes in the dining room of “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s beachside Malibu estate, the Pink Palisades.
Sitting around the table, each with a pair of playing cards in their hands, are Vinnie, Graves, Roxy Cotton, Maxine, and Miss Furry. All of them are barely dressed. Vinnie is only wearing a pair of hot pink boxer shorts with white hearts decorating them, as well as a pair of socks and sock garters. Graves is in his BVDs and his old bone mask, opting for a throwback presentation. Maxine is wearing a tiny hat. Furry is in a teeny tiny matching bra and panties. All of them have piles of clothing next to them on the floor except for Max, who apparently just has been wearing nothing the entire time. The lone exception, Roxy Cotton, is uncharacteristically wearing layers of clothes. She’s got scarves and coats and even an elegant pair of satin elbow length gloves. Most of the chips are in front of Roxy as well. The girl did not sit down planning on losing, that’s for sure.
“Dude, stop! I told you, tonight is about fun not business! Stop trying to sell me on your wrestling school graduates, dude! Do you call or not? And what the heck are you drinking? It smells like crap!”
”Ayahuasca. But BRO what is your PROBLEM!? Just watch this video of my newest prodigy. He’s like Spider-Man but BETTER! We call him… PETER PARKOUR!”
Gravy then shoves his phone into Vinnie’s face.
Vinnie blinks a few times.
“Okay, that dude is admittedly cool.”
”RIGHT??? I haven’t seen purebred athleticism like that since Big Puddin’!”
The table shakes, sending chips fluttering, as the hamfist of Maxine slams into it. Gravy drops his phone and looks sheepishly at his cards, then calls… and raises!
Roxy, Vinnie, and Max all groan and fold, but Miss Furry calls! It’s a one on one! Roxy flips the river card down, and Gravy smiles through his mask somehow. He lays down his cards… the river gives him a full boat! Tens over twos! Miss Furry throws her hands up and shakes her head, mucking her cards into the pile. Gravy claps and stands up.
”HELL YEAH! Take it OFF, girl! WOO! Show Daddy Gravy the goods!”
“Dude, isn’t she your student?”
”Yeah, so? What’s your point? TITTIES OR GTFO BITCH!”
Unfazed, Furry gets up and removes bra, tossing it onto her pile… then she shimmies out of her skivvies too! Miss Furry is totally nude at the table, and she does a little gyration just to send Gravy over the top!
”HAVE MERCY!”
Graves plops back down into his chair and scoots it up tight against the table. A few seconds later, the sound of thumping against the underside of the tabletop can clearly be heard, and the table itself bonus a little bit with each thud.
”Okay. Done. Vinnie, get this freak of nature out of my house. Why are all your friends so WEIRD!?”
”Babe! Chill! Let’s just take a timeout… Gravy. You, me, let’s have a vape break.”
”I smoke cigs, I ain’t no fairy. Roll my own, too!”
Gravy holds up a horrendously bad looking hand rolled cigarette. One end is twice as fat as the other, and it looks like it was rolled in a Cottonelle toilet paper wrapper.
”That looks like a joint, Gravy.”
”Nope! Pure tobacco. Well, there’s some peyote in there...”
”Oh… kay. Let’s just get to the porch, dude…”
Fast forward about five minutes, and Vinnie is leaning against his back door, watching Micheal Graves run around on all fours, hallucinating.
Vinnie takes a long drag on his vape before blowing out a huge pink cloud and opining into the empty air.
“I caught a little flack from people around me a few days ago, dude, when I Twittered about how I’d have rather been booked against Razor. But, like, DUDE… have you dug Razor? I’ve been watching the guy, man. He’s raw. He’s green. He’s not winning yet, but you know what? HE WILL. Someday, Razor will get better. Someday, Razor will improve. Right now, Razor is just a man in a giant empty room, nothing in there but himself and a whole lot of potential. But eventually? Eventually, dude, that room is going to fill up with talent and victory and success! What I mean to say is, Razor hasn’t let anyone down yet! He’s exactly where he’s supposed to be… and it’s exciting to watch, man! I’m stoked every time the dude shows up, because you never know what day is gonna be THE day, you know? The one that marks a turning point for someone.”
“I’ve been a part of the XWF for a decade now, dude. Ten years. I’ve seen every rookie come through these doors in that time. First, as one of them. I watched Gator and Doc and Maverick and others all explode into different directions and different levels of success. They watched me do the same! None of our journeys were identical, man, but we all tested the limits of our potential. You know how I know? Because everyone hearing these words knows who those people are! Well, maybe not Maverick. That’s his own fault, though.”
“Ten years. I’ve overcome everything set in front of me from the day I set foot in this company. They thought I couldn’t beat the old guard, but I did. They thought I couldn’t win the big one, but I did. Then they laughed when I moved into administration… until I dragged this place out of the muck and made it the legit multimedia mainstream juggernaut that it is today. I’ve trained people as wrestlers, I’ve trained them as management, and I’ve got a lot more successes than failures, dude, I can tell you that. I live in a freakin’ castle in Malibu with a chick that wakes up every morning looking like a movie star. I’ve got more money than I can ever spend… because Loverboy has a Midas touch, a charmed life, where everything I touch turns to gold. But… there have been a few times I really thought I was onto something incredible and it just fell flat instead.”
“Enter Dolly Waters.”
“You know, in a lot of ways… I’m to blame for Dolly. See, back in 2016, right after finishing up my epic run with the Universal Title, it was one of my jos to evaluate potential new talent. It’s always been something I was really good at! Before me, you had dudes letting Thunderbolt X and Ghost Tank in the door all willy-nilly. If you were gonna put it into Swiftie terms, it was the Peter Gilmour Era. The diamonds in the rough were few and far between, dude. They were almost by accident. Come to think of it, as good as I was, as legendary as I became, they didn’t WANT me here, dude! They were thrilled to have their weird racist midgets or whatever running the show. It was almost a prerequisite that to succeed in the old XWF you needed to be pretty much completely socially undesirable everywhere else. Believe me, it took a lot of work and a lot of time to scrub all the cat food and swastikas off these walls.”
“At any rate, I got out of the ring and into the board rooms… I was there when an unknown Kentucky hillbilly of average talent and below average intelligence showed up looking for work. Now, you can probably guess that my old boss was SUPER into Kentucky hillbillies with a penchant for allowing any and every racial epithet imaginable to fall out of their Copenhagen-filled mouths - so, the guy you might remember as Muddy Waters got a contract. But something unusual happened that day, dudes and dudettes. Muddy had someone with him. It must have been his every other Saturday on the visitation calendar or something, because Mud brought his little girl Dolly with him. And you know what? In that meeting, Dolly was the one who had a real acumen for the work we do. This kid was 13 or 14 or something, and yet she was the one who knew her way around the squared circle. Turns out, Dolly Waters was the one training her daddy, not the other way around! It’s like finding out Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato were the ones writing all the songs for Barney and Friends!”
“I saw something in Dolly. It was controversial, of course, she was a kid. But I saw the same thing I see in Razor nowadays… neverending potential. The sky’s the limit. And she hit the ground running, dude! She was winning matches right away! She was pretty quickly in the title scene and everything. Dolly Waters SHOULD have been the next great megastar of the XWF, after yours truly. But she wasn’t. She never really made it. In fact, in ten years worth of comings and goings here in the XWF, there has probably never been a bigger disappointment than Dolliver Waters. That’s what Dolly’s short for, right? I don’t know, honestly. No one does, I even Asked Jeeves. But seriously, here’s a chick who got scouted and discovered by the greatest champion in the history of the XWF, who got tapped to be the rising star to lead this place out of the gutter and into the sun… and what the heck did she do instead? She fell on her face. She got entangled in some steroid controversy with Morbid Angel. She got abducted by Gravy. And now I guess she’s lost her hair? And above all, she QUIT… over and over again. Imagine having so much talent and letting it go to waste like that, when so many others never got the chance to even try? Those are the career highlights for Dolly. Those are the things people are gonna remember, dude, because at the end of the day she didn’t reach the top of the mountain. She had plenty of shots at it, but she never got it done. Nothing I can say or do can possibly hurt more than that.”
Vinnie takes another deep vape pull, then holds his nose as Gravy walks up to him, apparently finished with his hallucination.
”Sorry. I rolled around in the free-range Mini pen. You gotta stop feeding those guys old burritos!”
”Gnarly. Let’s get you hosed off.”
The two men go back inside, and upon arriving back at the dining table they see that only Maxine remains. Her eyes meet Gravy’s as he walks in, and she pushes all of her chips into the center of the table.
”All in huh? Well… I don’t have enough to call… uh…”
Maxine then slams a massive strap-on dildo harness onto the table, never wavering her glance away from Graves.
”Ohhh… so… I win, I get the money. You win… you get… me?”
Max nods.
Gravy’s adam’s apple jumps up and down, but he agrees and sits across from Maxine. Max deals five cards to each of them and then slams the deck down for Gravy to cut. She mucks two cards and draws, then smiles.
Gravy stays pat, with shaking hands.
Then, Max lays down her cards in a fan in front of her. A flush, all diamonds. Gravy’s brow breaks out into a heavy sweat, and he lays down his cards face down as he stands from the table.
”Let’s get it over with…”
Maxine fist pumps as she jumps up from her seat (pixelated so that the broadcast is still PG!) and she grabs Graves by the wrist and drags him away.
Vinnie watches in horror as his friend is led off, and Roxy comes back into the room to give him a little shoulder rub.
”Gosh… that’s going to hurt in the morning.”
Roxy then grabs Gravy’s cards and looks at them, giving a little double take.
”Vinnie… he had four queens.”
Vinnie smirks.
”Gravy, you dirty dog…”
A few hours later…
Vinnie and Roxy are asleep in their massive bed, with Miss Furry curled up on the foot of it. Outside the bedroom windows, a bright flash of light turns the night into day as something rattles the windows in their panes.
Vinnie shoots up into a sitting position as Miss Furry hops down onto the floor and circles around, whining.
”What’s happening, girl? Did Gravy fall down a well and get stuck?”
Vinnie nudges Roxy, but she’s ten Ambien deep into a comatose dream about Captain 80s. She’s dead until morning.
Miss Furry whines and scratches at the window, and Vinnie then gets out of bed and heads over, opening the curtains to the side.
”Oh CRAP, dude! It’s a freakin’ UFO!”
Miss Furry then stands up on her hind legs and walks over beside Vinnie, looking out the window with him. Vinnie opens the curtain wider to reveal a giant saucer shaped craft hovering inches above the well manicured front lawn, just a few feet away from the hedge maze and al of the incredible topiaries of various XWF legends.
“Yup. That’s definitely a UFO.”
The sound of urine hitting the shag carpeting can be heard, as Vinnie and Furry lock eyes.
”My bad. I’m definitely gonna have to tell Roxy that it was you, though.”
“Fair.”
”Aw, man, they totally singed my Atara Themis sculpture! Burned the titties right off! Oh wait, that's just the Luca Arzegotti...”
A round opening widens in the side of the craft, and two silhouettes emerge. They float down to the grass and walk toward the front door of the Palisades.
”Crap! I better get down there and turn off the lights so they think I’m not home!”
Lane skedaddles from the room as Miss Furry climbs under the bed, whimpering in fear.
Vinnie hurries down the stairs and starts turning off light switches as he passes them. He gets all the way to the front door just as the doorbell rings (to the tune of “I Wanna Rock” by Twisted Sister). He slams the deadbolt in place and pulls the shades down over the front windows, then wipes his brow and breathes a deep sigh of relief.
”Whew! Close call!”
The front door is then vaporized, and the two figures walk into the living room.
”Oh. Crap. Well, I guess I should have expected that… hold on, SASHA???”
The lead figure’s appearance materializes from the blank black silhouette as vapor from the steaming pile of door ashes disperses around it.
“Hello Vincent. You do not have to continue to call me Sasha. Though I am not sure you can pronounce my name with only one mouth…”
”Ohhhhh, so THAT’S how you did that one thing. Dude WHAT are you doing at my house? Or like… on EARTH? Oh crap… dude, Roxy hates you… you gotta get outta here… oh, wait, never mind. Rox is down for the count!”
“Vinnie, why are you up?”
”ROX! Hey! Didn’t you take, like, a million Ambien?”
”Don’t be stupid. It was only seven. Who’s this bitch?”
Roxy points a purple painted fingernail at Sasha Grey-Alien, whose eyes start to glimmer in a golden glow.
”Is the female threatening you, Provider of Earth Seed?”
”Provider of what the fuck, now? Vinnie is this cunt here to die tonight?”
Roxy moves toward her huge shoe shelf near the foyer and starts digging out the perfect stiletto heel to stab someone to death with.
”Rox! No, dude, relax…. Roxy, uh… this is Sasha Grey. Sort of. You remember? SASHA?”
Roxy stops moving and turns around slowly.
”Sasha Grey? The whore you fucked in Russia?”
”Dude it was TEN YEARS ago!”
”You’re both dead. I can’t believe you invited your ex into our home, I swear to Tom Cruise I’m moving in with Angie and all her annoying cats and I am going to fuck ALL of your friends…”
”Dude CHILL! I don’t even have her number! I didn’t invite her here from across the galaxy, she just showed up with her friend. Oh yeah, who’s your friend, Sasha?”
”As you have accurately recalled, it has been one of your decades since I harvested your semen.”
”Heck yeah you did! Five times in one night!”
”Just for that I’m starting with Theo.”
”Our union was a success and the child we created together has reached full maturity. She has completed her upbringing on my home world and is now ready to be incorporated into your Earth society.”
”Waitwaitwait… a daughter? But she’s only ten, dude, she can’t be THAT mature…”
The second silhouette finally solidifies next to Sasha.
”Aw what the crap? Come ON!”
”Vincent, this is our daughter. She is an exquisite specimen. She will easily seduce and harvest any male from your world that she chooses, and her efforts will help populate this planet with our kind. I thank you for your commitment to our cause and will always remember our harvesting sessions fondly. You had a particularly voluminous yield.”
”This bitch…”
”Relax, Rox, you know my yield is totally voluminous with you, too. Even though Sasha’s coot can spin like a dryer barrel and yours can’t.”
Sasha Grey-Alien turns to her progeny and presses her palm against the beautiful blonde’s forehead.
”I have imparted all of the knowledge of our race within you. Fulfill your destiny here on this planet and make me proud. And do not eviscerate your new step mother no matter how much you would like to.”
”Fare thee well, mother. I will use my womb as you have instructed.”
Roxy lunges at Sasha Grey-Alien but grabs only a shimmering mist as Vinnie’s former interstellar paramour vanishes.
Outside, the spacecraft is gone as well.
Standing in the living room, the only remaining evidence of the encounter is the voluptuous extra terrestrial child of “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane and his lover from beyond the stars.
”So uh… what’s your name, kiddo?”
The reply he gets from his new daughter sounds like two voices screaming in harmony.
”Yeah that’s not gonna fly… Uh, what can I name my new mini-me… wait, that works! Minnie! Minnie Lane! Welcome home, dude!”
Vinnie hugs his beautiful daughter as Roxy fumes. Just then, Graves waddles in, wincing, wearing only a ball gag. He pulls the ball from his mouth and looks at Vinnie.
”You got any Prep H Vin-man? My asshole is WRECKED.”
Some time later.
Vinnie stands outside again, vaping and looking at the stars.
”Got to focus on Revelry. TLC in the Bohemian Grove… Dolly Waters and her failed career…”
“Yeah, sure, Dolly won titles. She got the X Title a couple times. Once she dropped it to Gravy, and once she had it for… what, ten minutes? Before giving it over to her gross throuple partner Corey. Ghost Tank won the X Title more than once, too. Mastermind is a three time champ! Heck, I won it by accident after I was retired! And yeah, yeah, yeah… the guy who took it from me? Muddy Waters. I got to write that little act of charity off on my taxes that year, dude. I was like giving a hobo a dollar for ‘food’ when you know its going towards a six pack.”
“Point is, the X-Treme Title is only worth a crap if you can hold onto it and parlay it into that Big Belt, dude. Lots and lots and LOTS of people have won that title, very few have made it count. I didn’t need the X-Treme Title. I took the hard way to the top, and I made it. Dolly? Just another entry on the list of near-misses. A ‘could have been’ who never was. The simple mathematical truth for Dolly Waters, before she steps into the ring at Revelry against the guy she owes her entire career to, her entire adult life to, honestly, is that there’s just nothing she’s ever done that I didn’t do sooner and better than she did.”
“Now… you ask Dolly and she’ll probably tell you the same thing so many others have. She’ll say “Vinnie Lane lost the Universal Title to Scully.” It’s like a record that skips, dude, the thing that always gets thrown in my face by folks who don’t even realize their insult is a bigger compliment. You can’t lose the Universal Title unless you WIN the Universal Title first. My reign as champion kept the XWF afloat, dude! Prior management tried to sink it. We went dark for months. We almost had a Swaggins in the main event! You might as well have hung a “closed” sign on the front door, but instead, the XWF got a hot pink injection of top tier legend and we went on a rocket ship to success. You’re welcome, Dolly. Everything you’ve won since then was because of me.”
“Oh, and trying to tear me down because it was Scully? Yeah dude, Scully was never at my level. I had a bad night at the office. I walked away with a career ending neck injury and to this day my cervical vertebrae are in shambles. No concern on my part though, dude, because I go down on a chick with legs of steel forged on the stripper poles of Los Angeles every single night when I get home. My neck muscles are stronger than bone at this point. I can shrug a Volkswagen. But Scully? Scully made his mark on the XWF. Scully made his mark on ME. He made it. Peter Gilmour made it. Vinnie Lane BUILT it. Dolly Waters? She couldn’t pick it out of a lineup. It’s a shame, dude. I spent a decade being great at this, and I would have bet it ALL on Dolly. And if I had, I’d be living under the same Pikeville bridge as Muddy Waters and his pickled liver, talking about how different our lives could have been if abortion clinics accepted Marlboro Miles.”
“Dolly Waters is the biggest failure of my career, not losing to Scully. That’s why at Revelry, no one is going to be disappointed with my hand getting raised in victory more than me. When I finally get to see the trainwreck up close, and get one last W for the record books, it will just be one more reminder that I was wrong about Dolly Waters.”
“Please Dolly. I’m begging you, dude. Show me what I saw in 2016. Not every day since. I’m coming out of retirement to show you how to climb the ladder in XWF… don’t let me down.”
The motion activated front porch light goes dark, leaving just the gleaming tip of Vinnie’s vape pen. A pink glow that looks just like the stars above.
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