In BOB's underground gambling den seated in the heart of the Bible Belt, the air is still thick with anticipation, waiting for the next hand to unfold. Three of the most formidable names in professional wrestling sit around the table. First up, we have B.O.B. D, the reigning Xtreme Champion. Who’s proven time and again that he's willing to go to any lengths to secure victory. In singles, tag, or trios, he defends the Xtreme Championship with pride.

Thunder Knuckles, the Universal Champion. The Lima native has been recognized for his calculated and methodical approach in and outside the ring. conquering every challenge thrown his way, solidifying his place at the top of the XWF hierarchy.

And last but by no means least, we have Bobby Bourbon, also known as the master of the Bobby Bomb. A true force to be reckoned with in any professional ring, barroom, theatre, Misses section of TJ Maxx, anywhere really. Together, these three make up the heart and soul of the Brotherhood of Bastards. The game is far from over and the Bastards are just getting started.


So, fellas, I wanted to apologize to the team doomed to get dunked on at Warfare.

Why?


TK chuckles as Jimmy passes out the cards to the Bastardly trio.


They brought it out.


That’s right. Mark and Ned, you both brought up my rhymes.


Everyone puts in their antes and places their bets. With everyone in, Jimmy reveals the flop. An Ace of Spades, a King of Hearts, and a Queen of Diamonds are shown.


They fucking missed ‘em.


Oh shit!


TK folds, allowing D and Bobby to go back and forth with their raises.


The first wee little guy I wanted to bring up today
Really has heard an awful lot of what I’ve had to say
Quick, quick! Friar B.O.B., in his, the Bastardly Father’s name we prey!


Bobby’s going to put his boot up the ass of Ned Kaye!


Bobby and D exchange a flawless up-high to down-low, as Jimmy turns over a 2 of Hearts.


The next dude on the docket really ain’t a thing
Holding onto a wrench that he barely can swing
Keep your hand on your tool, kid, we’re rocking the bling.


Without a word, B.O.B. D pushes some chips into the center, causing Bobby to respond with an even bigger stack. D glances at his cards before matching his opponent's amount. A 7 of Hearts is revealed on the river.


Oh fuck, Bobby’s going to murder Isaiah King!

In what seems like a lifetime…
So wondrous it borders on dreamlike…


Bobby raises his fist in slow motion. TK also raises his fist in slow motion in solidarity with his brother Bobby Bourbon. Them No Good Bastards complete their signature, their one-of-a-kind, their autograph on the zeitgeist, no-look fistbump.


Well I’m not going to bullshit, I’m talking about Mark Flynn
Runs with Ned and Isaiah so he won’t eat a pin
I’m a damned handsome devil, you’re just uglier than sin
You’re coming into a fight that we’re going to win.

Keep going!


After another expensive round of betting, both men stay as Jimmy rounds up their chips.


Butcher, baker, candlestick maker, three men on a boat
Caught in a storm they’re sinking, can’t float
Struggle for us, we’re a force of nature you’re just bloat
Y’all about to choke so hard your team name should be Throat GOAT.


With an intense look in his eyes, Bobby flips his cards over, revealing a 10 and a Jack. B.O.B. D examines Bourbon's cards for a long moment before flipping over his 3, 4 bluff.


We’re bringing the hard beatings like we keep them in surplus
Beat your ass in that ring because that is our purpose
Whooping you around the place until you holler and cuss
Because the three of you will never be as good as the three of us


A worried D begins counting his remaining chips as Bobby pulls his winnings in, spilling some of them over in the process.


I bench press any two of you when I go to the gym
D could rip you open and snap into you like a Slim Jim





TK’s on the scene, that’s damnation, your outlook is grim
Open heart surgery, we’re ripping it out, your outlook is slim.


Jimmy shows the Bastards that the shoe is empty of cards, then proceeds to divide all four decks into four separate sections.


Quick, quick, get them to the morgue, these fools are dead on arrival!
With something to say so stale it’s like they didn’t know it was archival
Think you’re picking new members of B.O.B. fresh to be your new rival?
You’ve been played, been played, and been played like you’re a tape of Creedence Clearwater Revival.


Jimmy thoroughly shuffles the initial pile.


In the name of the Bastardly Father, I do now beseech
Let our enemies feel the chill of his name and the pain of his reach
Let them be left, bloated, festering, and stinking, washed up like a whale on the beach…


Jimmy proceeds to shuffle both the second and third piles.


I invoke thee, Brother Knuckles. Bow your heads in reverence to the word of the absolute and final Prophet of the Bastard, with Friar B.O.B. as witness to the testament of the word of our Bastard, with the utmost malice, hate, and rage, the depravity of which is smiled upon by our Bastardly Father, is regarded as the Gospel of the Bastardly Father, and the very Will of the Bastardly Father. Brother Knuckles!


Bobby!


Jimmy shuffles the fourth pile of cards and returns them to the shoe.


PREACH!


I'm like a fucking pit viper, coiled and ready to strike with cold-blooded precision, waiting for the perfect moment to seize any and all opportunities. On the other hand, Ned Kaye seems more like a playful puppy, goddamned blissfully unaware, leaving little puddles of piss on the floor, waiting for his Master to along and tidy up his mess before serving his meal. The differences between our approaches are as clear as day. I'm the goddamn calculated predator, while Ned remains fucking dependent, relying on others to clean up after him. These shit puppets can't even get their own stories straight. Am I, 'Ol Thunder Knuckles, the leader of BOB or is Bobby?


Jimmy distributes the cards to the individuals believed to be in charge, along with D. Surprisingly, they all opt for a rather unbastard-like strategy, sticking with conservative calls.



I thought you guys said we didn't have a leader?



That's right, D. We never have and never will, and that's part of why we've been at the top of this fucking business for three years. This industry is about reinventing ourselves while staying true to our damn fundamental values. Some might call it cult-like, but they fail to fucking grasp what Brotherhood is.


Jimmy flops over a 6 of Spades, 5 of Spades, and Queen of Diamonds.


I can tell you what it is! Standing side by side with Them No Good Bastards in a bond much stronger than a loose alliance amongst foes. I'm here of my own volition and have reaped the benefits more than I ever did aligning with Neeeeeeed.


B.O.B. D, knowing his pile of chips is wearing thin after the last hand, folds while TK and Bobby make moderate bets.


Sure as shit, someone who's fallen victim to a fake BOB and joined its ranks. Talking about members coming and going seems a bit off, don't ya think? BOB sees members come and go, sure, that's a fact, but their contributions continue to hold value in the legend that we're writing, whether they were big or small. I have complete trust in any BOB member, past or present, to do what we do best, minus one. Who, let's just say, employed Mark Flynn for his "talent".


The turn reveals a 5 of Clubs.


Definitely not start his own company and raid this place while we were away. You know, building for the future, spreading the name of this company one victory at a time. Why? We aim for the top through any means necessary, even if it means competing against each other. We don't cower behind one another; we stand united and face the challenges head-fucking-on, together. Why is it that every fuck wit that's ever gone up against us says shit like "BOB's Empire will fall and it'll be by our hands"? Jesus predictable Christ not only is that the lamest shit I've heard since King shot on Tommy Gunn it's as unoriginal as a Chris Page promo.


TK and Bobby take turns slowly raising the pot, a painstaking process that almost feels as if they were trying to annoy the other into folding.


What's next boys? Are ya gonna pray to the Bastardly Father? It's okay to be fans, guys, and for a certain amount of XBUX. I'll even sign a photo, or better yet, I'll sign some Thunder Knuckles' XBUX THUNDER KNUX that you can buy directly from the X-shop. But, come on, running your cock suckers and backing it up on November 11th are two different things altogether. King has a habit of dropping the ball at the last minute. Ned’s a pity party of the pussy variety, always waiting for the chance to prove himself, but always letting himself down. Then there's Mark, just sitting back wondering why he’s stuck in loser Hell. Meanwhile, he has a briefcase. Yeah, Mark, I get it, you’ve followed my career to the fucking tee. The marketing, being a charismatic showman, the struggles of being looked at as being mid. I get it, but you’ve raised above that now. You don’t have to keep the company of C minus players, broski. That backpack is only big enough and you’re being bogged down.


A 2 of Diamonds is overturned on the river.


Then again, maybe that's the very reason it took you so many years to even sniff the Universal Championship in the first place. It only took me, what, four years? On my first shot, no less. Against arguably one of the best to ever step into the squared circle. Hell, I'll admit that any day of the week, it only adds to my legend, that outshines yours. When it all comes to an end, that's what truly matters, doesn't it? How we'll be etched into the anals-


B.O.B. D gently elbows Bobby and leans in and whispers.


He means annals doesn’t he?


Bobby nods signaling that D is right as TK carries on, all the while having another betting exchange.


-of rassling history once we hang up our boots. As for me, I'll forever be linked with BOB. Why, you ask? Because I won't ever turn my back on them. Heh, and I'm the guy who'd trade his own dear, sweet, grandmother for the right amount of XBUX.


Bobby and TK both have a pair, but TK's Queens and 5s beat Bobby's pocket 4s and 5s. Bobby pounds the table as TK takes a good chunk of the chips Bobby won from D.


Did I ever tell you guys about the time I lost my virginity?

You've had sex?!

I mean, I'm married...

YOU'RE MARRIED?!

Har har, ANYWAY, when I was 20-


TK starts giggling while Bobby tries to hold back a smile, using his newly dealt cards to distract him from doing so.


-I was at a hanging with some friends, yes, I had friends, and we were gettin' a little tipsy. Eventually, I went outside to smoke a cigarette with my buddy, Paul, and some drunk chick who was at a party in another apartment approached us. She went on about how her friend was moving away and that she was going to miss her, yadda yadda, typical woo girl shit.


All three men call the minimum, receiving the insanely improbable flop of three wannabe Neds.


Before she goes back upstairs to the party, she asks if she can give me or Paul a hug. Me, being the nice guy I was, gave her one. Next thing I know, the bitch is taking shots on the balcony, jumping up and down with her tits out.

Nice.


All three men bet generously, one of them surely having the fourth Ace; or, at the very least, bluffing so.


They were. So, I turn to Paul and go 'man, I'm so scared she's going to fall off.' No sooner I say that, I hear a bunch of people screaming and a loud WHACK! Sure enough, Paris Hilton Jr.'s lying motionless on the concrete in front of me. Before she could even hit the ground, the entire party was already dispersing. A bunch of drunk underage college kids figured it was a better idea to go for a drive than face a potential involuntary manslaughter charge. That is, except for the couple who came to my buddy's apartment and asked to use his bathroom. Being more concerned about the dying woman in his front yard, it was more the case of him NOT telling them 'no' than a flat out 'yes'.


With all bets in, Jimmy flips a 2 of Clubs on the turn, doing nothing to lighten the building tension.


So, this guy and girl go into my buddy's bathroom and are in there for quite a while, to the point where the paramedics are loading Tiffany's lifeless corpse into their truck. Eventually, I gotta take a piss, so I go and, politely, knock on the door. No response. I pound a little harder but, again, nothing. I did this a third time, adding in a stern “Helllllllo?!” This time the door swung open and the bitch pulled me in by the dick!

By the dick?


D places his bet while continuing his story.


By. The. Dick. Remembering she went in there with her boyfriend, I quickly pushed her off and looked for him. Lo and behold, he was passed the fuck out in the bathtub. No sooner I realized this, and his girl is back on my dick, this time, with her mouth!


Bobby and TK raise a little, with D calling despite his dwindling chip count.


Ooooooo, a two'fer.


To everyone's surprise, Jimmy flips over another Ace.


No, because she starts complaining about how he passed before he could get it in and that she wants to be with a REAL man!


Knowing the game essentially comes down to who has the highest card, all three men decide to check.


So, naturally, she settles for you.

Yep! We fucked all up and down that bathroom, think we even ended up on top of her boyfriend at one point!

She DID get a two'er!


TK starts by revealing the unfortunate hand of a 3 and 4. Bobby jumps for joy, flipping over a slightly better 4 and 5.


Nah, like Ned and the Universal Championship, he couldn't even seal the deal in his dreams.


B.O.B. D stops Bobby from prematurely taking the pot, showing his winning hand of a 6 and 7.


Like me and the Xtreme Title, I finish the job, get dressed, and exit just as her boyfriend wakes up. The two of them leave, and little D's finally become BIG D.

That's not a fucked up story.


TK signals to Jimmy that they will be pausing the game for a while. Jimmy nods, showing that he understands.


Well, there's more! The girl who broke her neck, whose name actually WAS Tiffany, came home 2 weeks later when I was, ironically, smoking a cigarette.

Bet she didn't go upstairs!

She didn't………… we went into my buddy's bathroom and fucked in the same place I lost my virginity.

Was her boyfriend there, too?

No.

Then it's not a fucked up story.

What if I told you she rebroke her neck from it?

Damn, that's brutal! I'm lucky if I cause hip dysplasia.

He's got a point.

But you know who doesn't have a point? These three. They're all hype, no bite. Take Isiah King, the greatest thing he's ever done was being the Champion of the news guys. Congrats, Isiah, you were King of the peasants…………."


D holds up his Xtreme Championship.


Lemme know when you start rulin' over people who actually matter. Mark Flynn used to matter, then he lost his Title and is stuck taking the low road back to relevancy. I didn't need a briefcase to get where I am. Flynn though? That's a WHOLE different story. If he was as good as he thinks he is, he'd use his case in an honorable way and make sure TK knows ahead of time when their match will be. But, then again, he saw how that worked for Ned, so can't say I blame him. At least he doesn't pretend to be some righteous asshole, all the while calling yourself nicknames like 'Ace' and 'The Notorious One!'. Do people think WE have ego problems? Two of Ned's moves literally have the word ego in their name!!! He can claim he's crushing everybody else's when, in actuality, he's just stroking his own!

That's not the only thing he's stroking!

Remember when Ned and King were enemies? Whatever happened to that? I'll TELL you: Ned decided it'd be easier to ride Mark and Isiah's coattails to the top rather than fight them for a spot of his own. Well, jokes on Ned, there's only room for one trio at the top, and you're looking at 'em!...........


B.O.B. D looks around and notices that, in the heat of his rant, no cards have been dealt for some time.


So, where's the next hand? I still have some catching up to do!


B.O.B. D pulls out a blunt and sparks it as TK signals to Jimmy that the Bastards are ready to resume the game. With a nod, Jimmy acknowledges the signal again, while Bobby  Bourbon leans in, ready to join the action as the scene fades to black.