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Angelica Vaughn · (07-09-2023)

At an undisclosed location
At an unspecified time

In what might be described as a twist of fate, we see Angelica Vaughn appear on the TV screen. That’s not what’s unusual about it, of course, with Angelica being the current TV Champion; what’s unusual is the scenery… or rather, lack thereof. There is no hustle and bustle of a college campus, no farmhands milking cows in the back ground, no enclave chock full of Lacklan lackeys,… No nothing. Just a plain old simple XWF backdrop, and a person who has something to say.

Angelica is wearing a fancy dress in a light pink that compliments her alabaster skin supremely well. And while she looks like a million dollars, the crown jewel is draped over her shoulder: the XWF Television Championship that is one of the most fiercely contested prizes in the entire company.

The TV Champion looks rather subdued. Not sad, or angry, but rather… reflective. And as the camera has started to roll, Angelica takes a deep breath and looks straight into the lens.

”Hiya, my friends. I know what many of you are thinking right now.

‘What’s this? Angelica Vaughn actually willingly sitting down in front of a camera and talking about her upcoming match?

Oh, the shock!

Oh, the horror!

Where are her fantastic tales and curious exploits about rogue kittens and bounty hunters and malevolent chef cooks?’

And I wouldn’t blame you if you did, tee bee aitch. So if you just want to skip ahead, that’s finesies. It’s not, after all, *you* I am so intent on addressing, it’s my upcoming opponent, Alex Richards.

I remember you very well, Richard. I mean Alex! Why are so many people intent on having a name that could be, like, two first names? N-E-Ways, I am getting sidetracked.

I remember you very well, Alex. The first time we had a rumble in the ring was when Sis and myself faced you and Jay Omega and The Nickleman and The Bourbman. But in the week leading up to that, you were lightninglike in your dismissal of me. You couldn’t have been faster in telling the world exactly how little you thought of me, by considering me not just an afterthought, but something worse than that. You considered me to be the ball-and-chain attached to my older-but-shorter sis who I love so dearly and deeply. You considered me to be, in the bond that each tag team shares, to be the weak link.

You weren’t the first to suggest as much, Alex. But for some reason, those words, coming out of your mouth, have tormented me ever since. Because you weren’t exactly an established vet. You haven’t seen the rise and pitiful fall, and then phenomenal resurgence of the XWF… at least, not that I know of and if my knowledge is lacking in this department then I will not be too proud to shout ‘mea culpa’. But your utter dismissal of me as a competitor, as someone who desires to be successful in this profession above all else, as someone who will stop at nothing to be the best there is *the right way*, I felt insulted. I dared to dream that it was just silly talk, and that you were going for the low-hanging fruit like so many others before you because it was the only thing you knew how to do, and felt obliged to do. But you’ve spoken in the past about how you consider yourself a liberated soul, about how good it feels to let go of the common way of thinking and just *be yourself*. I guess, in the end, that just made the insult sting much deeper.

But then allow me, if you will, a recap of what happened after you swatted your hand at me like I was an annoying but harmless fly… You lost, my friend. You lost the tag team match, and you couldn’t even hide behind the old ‘at least she didn’t pin me’ argument, because Sar and I pinned you simultaneously. Like only true team players know how to do. That night, after you called me the weak link, your shoulders were pinned to the mat, and you failed your quest for XWF tag team gold on that night."

Angelica looked at the XWF TV Championship that was resting over her shoulder.

”A lot has happened since then, obvs. The piece of hardware on my shoulder, for starters. Sar-sar and I lost our taggie titles eventually, but out with the old and in with the new, eh? That may sound disrespectful, but anyone who knows me knows how much I love wrestling in teams. It’s the epitome of wrestling. A lot of people can dance on their own, but being part of a choreography that could collapse if even one person doesn’t do their job, yet is executed flawlessly… there are few more sensations more rewarding than that one. But you know how it goes… Too often, people are convinced that *they* are the main character in life, not one of the other billions of people on the planet. They’re convinced that Galileo was wrong, and that while the world *may* revolve around a star, they’re convinced the world doesn’t revolve around the sun, but around *them*. It’s okies for me to say that by the dubs, because even the Pope, or some Popes ago I guess, admitted that Galileo was in fact right. Now, you may think you are a *star* and that everything revolves around you, but you’re not. You’re a cog in a machine, like I am, and neither of us are anything special. We are just given an opportunity to shine. And we both have been given opportunities.

See, I was given an opportunity. I was given an opportunity when the XWF brass was kind enough to let me challenge Dionysus for the TV Championship. A cynic might’ve said I had no business being granted such an opportunity. It was more of a recognition of my hard work I suppose, rather than an affirmation of Angelica Vaughn’s talents and financial benefits to the company. But here’s the truth, Alex Richards… On the same night I won this TV Championship and pried it from Dionysus’ beaten hands, his fingers already cracking with rigor mortis, you had *another* shot at the XWF Taggie titles, and you got your backside handed to you by the, admittedly, spectacular Just-Us League. Now, no person or team should ever feel shame about being defeated by a truly fantastic team, but here’s the dealio… When the girl who was, in your eyes, the so-called ‘weakest link’, was winning solo titles while you were crashing and burning for the umptieth time in a desperate attempt to get some gold… exactly where do you think you stand a chance here, my friend?

When the person you call ‘weakest link’, has done what you couldn’t, and then rose above even *that* station while you’re still trying to stay afloat before you’re dead in the water… do you honestly still think I am to be dismissed so easily? You may talk about my lack of success at War Games, I suppose, but I have zero shame or regrets about that event. You may talk about how I’ve never won the big one, but neither have you, right? You may talk about how I walk in the shadow of my sister, but that would be regurgitating old nonsense that has been proven to be demonstrably untrue a long time ago.

So we’ll see, Alex. I guess we’ll see. I have no idea how you will try to verbally attack me this time. I just hope it won’t be the usual gibberish. I’d like to think you’re better than that, because I kinda dig your style if I’m being honest. Don’t let anybody interfere with your unapologetic self. I’ve seen footage of you chucking cameras down building because you’re built for destruction… Now, I do think that it’s always better to recycle than to destroy, unless it comes to this recycling business, obvs… So please, don’t recycle. Don’t do it. Upcycle, if you can. Take a product, then turn it into something better. Let’s see if you’re capable of doing that as you try to emulate me, something you haven’t been able to do before."

Angelica stands up straight and takes a walk around the barstool she was sitting on.

”I know I am sounding like a bit of a presumptuous hiney, Alex. I’m not trying to dismiss the threat you pose, something we don’t have in common, nor am I trying to deny you have been granted this title shot on merit. I am merely pointing out facts here. When you called me a weak link, I pinned you; when I won the TV title, you lost your last shot at taggie team gold. So allow me some self-confidence if you will. Allow me to sit here and boast about the fact that I’ve done what you could not. I am not the boastful or proudful type, but I am not just going to sit here and be insulted either. So come at me with whatever claim you want… recent history cannot be changed, and there is no argument you can make that will propel you to favorite status in this match. Last week I learned that a good chef eats with his eyes first, so I am confident that people will see what I have done. If they’re not, you’d have to think them blind or lazy… For their sakes, hopefully the former, because the latter is the biggest indictment of them all, as it’s their own fault and nobody else’s!
N-E-Ways, I’ve shown that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone. That I am willing to try my hand at stuff I don’t think I’ll be able to do. But the thing is this, see: failing is okay. It’s not even trying that’s the hardest damnation of them all. So please, come at me and try. But realize that this title isn’t the Uni. You won’t get to shout at the top of your lungs claiming you deserve a shot and then have it virtually handed to you. No, this is the TV title, and we fight for it Every. Single. Heckin’. Show. Warfare, or PPV. One might say that the TV title isn’t the hardest to win, but it IS the hardest to hang on to. Which makes sense, considering every predator knows that the hunt and the catch is only half the meal.

The task that lies ahead of me is enormous. Even if I manage to retain my title, Alex, it’s a matter of ‘right back at it again’ at Leap of Faith. I know I’ll be able to weather that, but will you? The TV title has had a bit of a one-and-done rep as of late, which makes sense considering what I said just earlier. But I managed to retain against some top competition last week. Granted, Noah wasn’t at the top of his game… We all have weeks like those, and I know that I was lucky to catch such a formidable superstar on a bad week… But then again, not having ‘bad weeks’ is a virtue in and of itself, is it not? And if you will pardon me the boast, I like to think my choice of stipulation had something to do with it. I chose to challenge myself and cook eggs in front of Gordon Ramsey. Only a delusional whacko would not call that an intimidating prospect. So now, I will have to choose the stipulation for *this* title bout."

Angelica stops walking rings around the stool, and then suddenly grins. Her serious demeanor makes way for her more playful attitude, like we’re used to. Still no glitter-bombs or playing kittens though, sorry.

”You know how I was brought up extremely religious, right? AXLY, I bet you didn’t know that, because I’ve only said it a few dozen times before but none of that happened in the last three weeks. It’s true, though. Church was, well, holy. Couldn’t work or do anything on the Sabbath, really. Not great if you’re a Weekend Warfare kind of gal nowadays, eh? But still, a lot of my upbringing has stayed with me. Like how I used to be terrified of Vita because I saw her as an unholy creature, being undead and whatnot. I still pray to Baby Jesus every day, in a potentially idle hope that He may grant me strength and power to overcome all challenges laid in front of me. And for example, I just try to avoid the H word. Some people seem to be comfortable uttering it, but not me. The double L at the end says it all, really. It’s a lose-lose situation! No, I prefer to use the correct term. Still, they do say that you have to put your opponents and foes through the H-word if you’re going to see what they’re made out of. So I think I shall.

But I’m not a vengeful or mean-spirited person by any means, obvs. Like, oh eff see I want to have a match that will be remembered for a long time, but stuffs like barbed wire or burning tables just aren’t my chili jam. Nawbvs, I feel like it’s more fun if you can make it tough, but fair. Without retreading old ground too muchsies. So that’s why I came up with the fantastaballz idea of combing Heck on Earth with an interesting new concept.

A new concept? In wrestling? Where everything’s been done before? Well, we never had a scrambled egg match until last Warfare, did we? And now, we will have another first timer… I call it…

HECK IN A SEC!

It will be a Cell match, with one tiny caveat: you cannot get your guard down for even a second, because unlike a traditional wrestling match where you are pinned at a 3-count, HECK IN A SEC will have you be pinned at the count of ONE! And there will be NO submissions allowed! I hope you will appreciate the fact I am therefore eliminating my strongest move of them all from this contest, Alex. No EW! for you, unless it is to get you worn down enough for a count of one.

Now, why did I choose this stip? Because like all of the best things in life, moderation is key. Having a beer is great. Having 20 beers?? Well… That’s axly also pretty great, but bad for your liver, if you have a weak one, obvs. So I guess that having a Cell match is great, and that Heck can be pretty brutal and entertaining if you are so inclined, but HECK IN A SEC will make sure you will get plenty of brutality without ever overdoing it.

So it would seem fate is not without a touch of irony. You called me a weak link, and now a couple hundred dozens of links will make sure you are locked inside of a cage with yours truly. It will be a battle of guile, wit, reflexes, and I daresay… who will land the strongest move the fastest. This will be a sprint, not a marathon; but it will be a sprint across burning coals while sharpened knives are stabbing at your back and the sun is blinding your naked eyeballs and there’s someone out there trying to tackle you into the ground."

Angelica smiles. She seems pretty happy with the stipulation she has chosen, as she know it will capture the audience’s attention for every second, as it’ll be a blink-or-you’ll-miss-it occasion.

EYES.

ON.

VAUGHNEMOUS.

”And the beauty of it? No excuses. My sis won’t be able to help me, so there will be no ‘riding her coattails’, no ‘standing in her shadow’. And vice versa, Jay Omega won’t be there to help you turn the tide. Unless something craxy-as-flame happens, obvs, but we’ll see about that when the times comes.

N-E-Ways, what I’m trying to say is that both you and I will have no apologies, and all of the bragging rights. You’re welcome, by the dubs. This will truly be an opportunity for the both of us to deny all of the false claims we’ve ever heard about us.

Don’t get me wrong… I want to retain this title more than anything. Sure, I would’ve loved to participate in the Leap of Faith match, but pride tasks me with defending this title to the best of my ability, and to use every legal trick in the book. And so I shall. And it will happen at..

HECK

IN A

SEC.

The most dangerous, intense sprint you’ll ever see in wrestling. And… Excuse me, I’m not used to talking this much… I need a drink. Or at least something to wet my throat. And before all of your minds go straight towards the gutter, let me tell you this: EW!"

Angelica retrieves a football boot that has ‘Wonderbowl Winner 2023’ inscribed on the side.

”Hopefully not that EW: this Zim-quila! Two can play this game, Alex! Let’s see you outdrink me before you outwrestle me. I am willing to wager you can’t do both."

Angelica pinches her nose and empties the Zim-quila into her mouth.

”Oof, wowzerz. That’s strong. And… it pains me to say… not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. NOBODY TELL MY SISTER OR SHE’LL MAKE OUTRAGEOUS CLAIMS AGAIN!

N-E-Ways, it’s time for me to sign off. I’m looking forward to our bout, Alex. I can’t wait to see what you come up with this time. It better not be a regurgitation of the stuff that has failed you in the past. For all rhyme and reason, that will come back and bit you… real quick."

Angelica lifts her TV Championship and winks at the camera, after what is undoubtedly her longest XWF monologue ever.

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