Tired of not being able to blow out all your birthday candles?

We see a woman attempt to blow out birthday candles, but cough, then throw her hands up in frustration.

Worried about bad actors in your area?

The poor woman is seen walking to her car when a group of kids run up and throw eggs at her, causing her to throw her hands up in frustration.

Tired of not being able to kill the fat guy in Jurassic Park?

Actor Wayne Knight sits in the driver's seat of a jeep looking really disdainful, shaking his head in shame at the same poor lady from earlier, who huffs then throws her hands up in frustration.

Hi, I’m Bobby Bourbon, and we at BourbCo have the solution for you. The mist gland only occurs in 0.043% of the population, but now you too can undergo the latest in body modification, developing your own poison mist glands!

The helpless bitch from earlier smiles. All her prayers have been answered by crass commercialism.

It's easy! First, agitate the special solution in a microwave, getting the radiation really singing! Then, inject the formula! It's so simple a baby can do it!

NOTE: DIY Mist Gland Kit should not be used by anyone under the age of 12.

And that's not all, but they come in a full array of colors! Green mist, red mist, black mist, orange mist, taupe mist, aubergine mist, blue mist, navy blue mist, royal blue mist, yellow mist, and more, each with accompanying effects when blasted into an enemy's face!

The now empowered woman rubs her mist glands, loading them up, then spews a healthy beige mist right at Wayne Knight. She turns and smiles at the camera, a beige drool dripping from her maw, her teeth deep, deep beige.

That's right, for the low price of 30 low monthly payments of $49.99, you too can have a poison mist gland! That's not all! Call today, and we'll send you the brand new design of the DIY Mist Gland Kit!

Wayne Knight looks super curious, which makes sense, the beige mist piques curiosity.

It's a suppository!

WOW!