TECH SUPPORT! I ALREADY PRESSED ONE DAMNIT!

TK continues yelling into the phone as he hits the speaker phone button.

Please hold while we connect you to a representative.

The automated system said as TK looks thoroughly annoyed.





I know what’s wrong wit it. Ain’t got no gas in it.

It doesn't take gas, Mark, shit. Jimmy said it should work after we built it. What the fuck?

The tech support music is still playing.

This could take for goddamn ever.

We could talk about War Games while we just sittin’ hur, I reckon.

You’re sounding like Jimmy.

Oh, what better way to pass the time?

Not you too. Fuck, alright. What’s there to talk about? We’re going to get this goddamn Gundam up and fucking running and crush everyone. Easy. What else do you guys want to talk about?

Mad Dog looks disappointed.

Ain’t you the sum bitch who talks shit? You gotta have somethin’ say, shit, boy! Well, come’on.

Fine, damn it. Who first?

Who first?  Start with Miss Waters.  She stuck her foot in her mouth the most.

Shit, Dolly's whole ass team thinks I drafted my team. It goes to show you can be in the fucking draft and not even know what the fucks is going on. Minus Soldier, of course, that muppet didn't even talk. It was like watching an art house snuff video. Who has time to watch that shit? Served about as much purpose as Corey talking out the side of his neck about OCW at length like I haven't been back and made peace with the fact I'm MID. Jesus, Corey, go read a book or something cause you're obviously not watching the product. I can't wait to bust your ass in that ring. I'm going to make you remember. It must have sucked wasting your breath for so long on a mid-carder, right? Come on, bud, it's okay you got a crush on me. I get it. Unlike your other crushes, I don't kiss your ass and tell you how fucking good you are.

Suddenly the music stops for a second and TK stops talking. False alarm, the music started again, and like that never happened TK continues.

"Soooo Goooood." I'll leave that to those who want table scraps. For the love of Bastardly Father above Corey must love working with Dio. The boy basically sucks Corey's cock off. "Corey's won twice"; get a fucking room kid. Listen, ANYONE could win on Alias's team not EVERYONE wins if Corey's on their team. He does. Don't misunderstand your stature in life. Why do you think Dolly leeches onto Corey so hard? He can carry her until he has to drop the dead weight. It's an XWF story as old as time itself. You'll figure it out, in baby steps. It's going to be fun making your first defense of your title after we bounce you out of War Games harder. I mean, under your logic of course. You'll see just how hard it is to be on "a winning team" cause yours sure as shit is letting you down.

While I do enjoy a good rant about Corey Smith, heh, let's not forget about the Captain of the Year!

Well, all that was important to get out because while all this is happening… Dolly tirelessly yammered on and fucking on about passing up on BOB members. Since she has been as predictable as ever. Jimmy has pointed out to me something very interesting. So since I know you’re watching, wanna hear it, Dolly? Did you notice that a member of BOB will be on the winning team?

TK pauses for a second to let Dolly think. It’s not her strong suit.

I mean, UNLESS Sidney Grey's doomed team wins. I told King BOB just the other day that most people wouldn’t consider me a bright guy or nothing. It sure seems like Jimmy had a plan even if it is a harder climb, the climb will feel worth it. Can you say the same? Props not, homie.

The best sound in the world happens the click of being taken off hold.

Thank you for calling the Cadre Corporation, sorry about your hold. This is Pratap Sathe. What seems to be the issue?

Thank fuck, you’re human.

The obviously Hindi man on the other end chuckles a bit.

I get that a lot, sir. How can I help you today?

Well, Appu-

The man on the other end of the phone did not find that funny and was rather offended.

Pratap.

Right, anyway, I  purchased the T.E.A.M. robot thing from you guys and It’s isn’t turning on.

First, sir, what is your name?

Thunder Knuckles.

Funder Nutkers?

No, Thunder.

Fun-

T-H-U-N-D-E-R

Okay.

K-N-U-C-K-L-E-S

Did you try putting the linkage to the coil?

Of course, we tried that!

TK pulls the phone down and covers the mic.

Yo, Mark!

Yeah.

You put the linkage on the coil, right?

Of course, I did! Whatcha take me fer?

That's what I thought, just checking.

Have you tried connecting it to your home PC for updates?

TK looks up and sees a laptop sitting on the shoulder of the monstrous machine.

Yep.

Okay, let me take a look here… please hold.

Goddamn it, NO!

That's when the hold music began to play again.

FUCK! On hold again.

Did’ya see what Dolly and em’ are doin’?

Unfortunately, I did, let me tell you how this is playing out.

TK begins addressing team Dolly by looking into the camera.

You're relying on wishes from a genie, I'm relying on my T.E.A.M. You got three wishes, I got three partners and a goddamn Gundam, mother fuckers. Shit, I could tell you your wishes now. First, Corey will get his wish, because, of course, Corey does everything first. His wish will be to not sound like a whiney little cuck all the fucking time. The genie will struggle but it'll happen and he might become a well-respected member of the roster. Until then he'll watch everyone's promos with his remote, fast-forwarding to the end to make sure you're not a minute over. What a fucking pansy. Dolly will go second, this is after she saw how disjointed everyone on her team's promos went, she's going to wish she had been a better captain. The genie grants her wish and will make her a better captain, but it was too late. The damage had already been done, but she’ll be better for it, next year. Finally, Dio will make his wish, he'll get to sleep with Corey one time before War Games is over. The genie will grant it thus making Dio the happiest boy in the world, and good for him. I think from now on I'm going to him, New Duke. Alas, his wish came true but his chances of being a real winner were lost. As for Soldier, he’ll be beating off in the corner to some Republican Demon porno mag. They exist, I’ve seen’em.

I think I seent one of ‘em before too.

The hold music stops.

Sorry about the hold. How long has it been since purchasing the T.E.A.M. cybernetic system?

Fuck, I don’t know, man. See, I didn’t order it, my personal assistant did. Jimmy.

Okay, thank you, sir. What’s his last name?

Janowski. J-A-N-O-W-S-K-I.

Thank you, sir, please hold.

The hold music strikes up again.

FUCK!

With a BoB at nearly every turn, this is your chance to prove yourself as the best bastard there is, Mister Knuckles!  Are you willing to step on a friendly bastard's throat in order to do so?

War Games shows you who your friends are, that's for fucking sure! Now I know Bobby better than just about anyone. Bobby is a force to be reckoned with but his strongest asset is his biggest weakness. His temper, when Bobby flies off the handle, put the bottle down, Bobby, he loses focus. Right now, he's lost all focus, he'd rather make sure Mark Flynn doesn't lose his Xtreme Championship.

The tech support music is still going TK looks into the camera to address Bobby and his team.

I hate to break it to you Bobby. You're going to let him down like you let me down at Relentless. I'm not going to sit here and sugarcoat it, even if I had drafted Doc before you, what did you expect? We are No Good Bastards after all. Sometimes what's best isn't what's the most comfortable. Then there's Noah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you got drafted by Sarah you deserved better than that trash panda. Speaking of which, Sarah, you might be an excellent swimmer, gifted athletically, and you can talk, although annoyingly. We have something in common. We both know what it’s like to not get what we want. The difference is I can make it work and you can’t seem to pull it together. You might tell Vita to focus, but right now, you’re not taking your own goddamn advice. Your team is as fragmented as Sidney Grey’s. I mean for fucks sake you have half of the best goddamn tag team XWF or the world has ever seen. Maybe you should have utilized his talents instead of letting him do all the crazy shit he wants. You gotta learn to reel’em back, know what I’m saying? Jesus! Does anyone know what fucking teamwork is?

Pratap's voice can be heard as the hold music stops again.

Okay, are you there sir?

Been here the whole fucking time, bro-bro.

We don’t seem to have a record of your purchase.

That’s weird, I mean-

TK looks at the giant robot from foot to head.

-It’s standing right next to me.

Could you read me off the serial number? It should be on the top of the right foot.

TK put his hand over the microphone of the phone.

Dog, what's the serial number on its foot, right there?

TK pointed to where Pratap said it would be. Mark gets on a ladder, and climbs it, looking for the serial number. Noticing nothing but scuffs he yells back down to TK.

Ain’t got one!

TK yells back.

What?

I SAID, IT AIN’T GOT ONE!

Taking his hand off his microphone, TK to Pratap.

There isn’t one on there.

It’s on the-

I know what the fuck you said, and I said, there isn’t one on there, Jesus Christ!

Alright, thank you, sir. Please hold.

The tech support music begins soft rocking along again.

ARRRRRGGGHHH! For fucks sake!

You were just speaking about teamwork, am I right?  If there's one team out there that's going to definitely struggle with that, it's the 'One Man Show' Mark Flynn's team, I believe.

You mean, Crash’s team!

TK does that thing, where he looks into the camera, and addresses Ned’s team.

That’s right, folks, Crash once again proves to be one of the best in the world. Bringing new life into Ned Kaye! A real upgrade from Big D and Riaon Kido. The only thing I’m really worried about is whether Ned going to be safe. Come on, we’re all thinking it. Who thinks Mark Flynn kills his team captain like he did NKWC? Ned, if you’re watching, I’m trying to help you. I know, you have no reason to trust me but hear me out. Take a minute or two to think about why Mark did it in the first place. Now think about who you are and what you can achieve over Mark Flynn. Do you really think that Mark, of all fucking people, wouldn’t throw you under the bus to not let NKWC have something over him in the record books? Give me a break, man, the guy lives for stats. The fact I even mentioned one in my promo gave him a hard-on, it’s nuts! Not as nuts as King’s trash talking ability it’s like Ned’s but worse. Holy fuck it’s bad. King, check it out. I need you to go back and watch THEM NO GOOD BASTARD MASTER CLASS ON TRASH TALK… You might learn something. Until then, you should probably let Mark take care of the heavy lifting you’re basically cannon fodder to him anyway. I don't mean to ramble on about Mark, but fuck me, right? He's the glue holding the fragments together take him out the whole goddamn team is a wash. 600DB01, leet speak for unoriginal garbo. Could you imagine if their serial number was a correct representation of their team? I can, shit, D00M3D.

The familiar sound of come off hold occurs then Pratap speaks.

Do you by chance have your warranty paperwork? It should have your serial number on it.

TK walks over and picks up some papers that Mad Dog had.

They’re fucking written in Japanese. Where do I find it on here?

It should be located at the top of the page.

TK holds up the large dark blue paper.

It should also be in English.

Nope. Hold on… I got some numbers right here.

427, squiggly mark, hashtag-

The serial number would be seven digits long.

Nope. Notta. Nothing.

Okay, sir, please hold.

Wait-

That’s when the music that has become the bane of TK’s existence right now starts playing again.

I… I just can’t…

Oh, cheer up, bub.

Mad Dog brings TK over a cold PBR, cracks it open, and hands it to TK.

Well, sh*t-

Mad Dog takes a drink of his PRB.

Ahhh,  I think that pretty much covers War Games don’it?

I can tell it’s your first War Games. Don’t worry though, I got you, man. War Games also proves to have that one crazy ass team that barely works together but somehow takes out a behemoth. The wild card, and how fitting is it that Kido chose the poké variety. Look up my resume, Kid. James Raven appointed me XWF Pokémon champion. The cards you have are obvious fakes, just like you. Now I think Noah and Bobby tore you to shreds and probably having you pissing a whole fucking storm right now. I think it's fair to tell ya that you suffer from something we in the rasslin business call talent dysmorphia. Nothing about you is special, unique, or frankly interesting. No, if this was a Ned video game you wouldn't even be a main roster character, hell, you wouldn't even be DLC. You'd be a create-a-rassler with the number three skin. No changes, no frills. You do, however, jack up the stats to ten. People who are dog shit at the game would pick you just to stand a chance, but hey at least they win, right? Now, if Kido moved on it’s because Vita did more than enough to give him the pat on the ass he needed and she’ll be with him. Waiting to pounce like the fucking she-devil she is. I hate that cunt so much. She fucked up my boy, Noah, and plays it off like she was some goddamn victim. Give me a break she's clearly lost her fucking mind. Ever since Lacklan beat her for that Anarchy belt all other years ago she wanted to be just like Sarah. So much so that she even became a vampire. Pathetic. I’ll take my time beating on her. You have to keep an eye on that one Doc, Mark, you have to. She’ll roll you up when you least expect it! Trust me. Keep your eyes and fists on her. Truth be told I might even hit her after she’s out. Yeah, I said it, gotta make sure that bitch doesn’t pull any shitcanery.

The music stops and Pratap comes back.

Hello, sir, are you still there?

Yes.

I think I found your issue. You said it isn’t coming on, correct?

Correct.

Okay, you said you’re standing next to it. Can you pick it up and open its chest?

TK looks at the monstrous machine.

No fucking way. It’s too goddamn big.

The biggest model we sell is only six feet tall, sir. It should be easy to lift.

TK hasn’t taken his eyes off the machine since he was asked to pick it up. TK waves for Doc and Mark to come into TK’s trailer.

Yeah, this is like 80 feet goddamn tall, my dude.

Is this a prank call?

Prank call? Are you calling me a liar, ass-hat?! I swear to the Bastardly Father that we’ll come to Japan with this fucking thing and you’ll goddamned better well fix it! War Games is just days away!

Once inside Mad Dog takes a look at TK’s epic criterion collection Blu rays in the other room. Doc begins to walk toward TK.

Holy sh*t! Benginmen Button!

I’m sorry, si-

Fuck no, Fuck “I’m sorry’s”, fuck that, fuck this. No, fuuuuuuck you! We’re coming to Japan and getting this fixed!

TK hangs up the phone in a huff that’s when Jenny Myst and Jimmy return, and TK snaps.

What the fuck?! Where have you two been?! We sent you to get food HOURS ago!

And food we got.

Jenny smiled, dumping out the bodies of 70 slaughtered raccoons onto the table.

Bon appetite.

Doc and TK look at each other and both shake their heads because she actually brought back road kill. Mad Dog walks into the room, crushing a PBR and wiping his brow.

Dat der coon?! Heh, Score! Pap used to make some damn good coon steaks. Gave me the recipe and ‘errything.

He grabs one off the table and licks his lips.

Hot damn! Ima cook dez here up and we gonna be eatin' good, boys.

Fuck that!  We're headed to Japan to get this shit fixed!

How are we going to get the T.E.A.M. there?

Listen, how about you don’t worry about that. I know a guy. Where the fuck did you buy this thing?!  Tech support had no goddamn clue about it!

Off a website Charlie gave me. Shoppnoir.ek.u/wod.

What the fuck even is that?

Sounds legitimate.