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Lacklan · (06-04-2023)

“Ante up.”

CLINK!

CLINK!

CLINK!

CLINK!

Todd looked around the card table and smiled. Hidden deep within the canonically accurate floating castle that was the XWF headquarters, the employees’ lounge, affectionately referred to as B-Forward after the greatly missed opportunities of several XWF superstars languish here, was busy with the weekend of War Games now upon them. Todd’s smile was tired, as was the pull from his eyes, but that tiredness was shared by those sitting around the table with him. Various members of the XWF Interview Team (Drone Division) were with him, each with that tiredness borne from a job well done, tossing ships into the center of the table. All around them, various members of the XWF staff found some version of relaxation while they could, from the Light and Sound team playing darts, to the Custodial Management Division praying before their bust of their patron saint Vaughn, to a game of team beer pong between the ring crew (“The Vonn Hammers”) and some of the numbers nerds from the office (“Flynn’s Fleet”). It was a joyous time of repose and reflection, and for the ID members, that meant playing some cards.

“I fold.”

Todd felt sad for Susan as the woman stared blankly into the void and let her cards fall out of hand. They had stopped telling her that she didn’t need to fold yet, not until a bet had been placed, but there was no getting through to the poor woman. She had spent so much time on Raion Kido Duty that she had so little semblance of reality and fantasy that just sitting in the chair with them was a success.

“Check.”

Todd’s eyes turned to Billy, looking for a tell, but the man’s eyes were already looking at the beer pong game. Billy had had the…interesting…fortune of being on Mark Flynn Duty the last few months, and his work had just about forced him to work hand-in-hand with the numbers nerds, since about 75% of Flynn’s match relevance was just taking pictures of chat rooms, utilizing the formula button in Excel, and trying to confuse people with jargon better left outside of an interview. But at least he had found Janet over there in the Fleet; they were cute together.

“Raise.”

Todd’s eyes found Elaine and he had to blink several times…which wasn’t the first time. Somewhat the opposite of Susan’s painfully dull duty of covering the current Universal Champion, Elaine had been given the arduous task of covering Madness. ALL of Madness. By herself. Vinnie had moonwalked up to her…or back to her…however that worked…scream/sang a note, said “Dude!” fifteen times, and dropped the entire catalog of increasingly crazy Madness roster members on her desk before skipping back to his office like Freddie Mercury with a long microphone in his hand at Wembley in ‘86. The work of producing interviews and…well…whatever the hell Gravy did…had taken it’s toll on Elaine, and her eyes had become sunken and her hair was becoming a gray, wispy mess.

“Call.”

Next to her was Dutch, who might be the fattest man Todd had ever seen, with thin hair full of grease and a matted beard just about always stinking of beer and canned cheese. BoB Duty had been perfect for the slob, and had earned him the coveted Employee of the Month plaque (with preferred cafeteria seating!) on more than one occasion. Todd normally didn't talk to him much…the weirdo insisted the Earth was ROUND, for Cruise’s sake…but the last week had brought them together more than once. All three of them, including Elaine, in fact.

Todd glanced down at his own cards. He was already in the pot due to the ante…they all liked the small adjustment of ante AND pot positions that were a part of Lacklanland Hold ‘Em…but he needed to make sure he had a good pocket if he wanted to stay in.

Ugh.

Seven-Deuce.

The Angelica Vaughn of starting cards.

“Raise.”

He decided to push his luck. Maybe coming up over the top would force them out and he could take the ante and-

“Call.”

“Call.”

Todd sighed. Working with the two as closely as he had the last month had meant that they had begun to pick up on his tells. The three of them…along with Squirrel 41 who, when not in the gym training for Match Five of the Best of Fifty-Seven Series against Chad G.P.T. over on Anarchy, was on Noah Jackson Duty...had been smooshed together from the moment that they had all gotten a similar message from their workloads:

OMG DISNEY SO AMAZEBALLZ EVERYONE CAN’T WAIT!

Sarah said we get to beat up Mickey?

Yo, Sick Squirrel! Sarah’s taking me to Cuntland. So sick!

…..Elaine probably got something from Lexi, too, but…well…it was hard to tell with her. But no matter what, it had been quite the adventure.

WHEREIN TÚRANER, A NAME WITH A MEANING TOTALLY GOING TO BE REVEALED AT SOME POINT, MEETS AT TOKYO DISNEY FOR TEAM BUILDING EXPERIENCES

Sarah: OH EM GEE OH EM GEE OH EM GEE

Kenzi Grey-Lacklan sighed as Sarah burst through the turnstiles leading into Tokyo Disney, her flowing kimono flapping in her wake. She was happy to see her wife outside of one of her dumb Firestarter Clothing dresses, so that was a plus, but the energy already on display meant it was going to be a LONG day.

Kenzi: Babe, wait up!

She did not. Instead, Sarah was already grabbing a handful of maps, checking her annoyingly detailed schedule on her dumb Windows Phone…no way that thing’s battery lasted even half the day…and getting in line to get the first of what was certainly going to be many pictures in front of a Disney-approved Viewing Location.

Noah: Sup, Cunt?

Kenzi smiled brightly as she turned back to the Australian voice and saw the sickest C-Word this side of Cancer, Noah Jackson.

Kenzi: Hey, Noah!

The two exchanged a complicated handshake that caught the attention and wonder of various park-goers around them before they, too, slipped through the turnstile and into Tokyo Disney.

Noah: How you doin’, mate?

Kenzi: Oh, same ol’ same ol’. My sister-in-law overreacted to a bad reaction from a wrestling crowd, air-lifted her entire ranch halfway across the U.S. to land in an area of Maine with special privileges and zoning, which caused my wife to head over there to smooth things over, and now, instead of in my awesome home in the warm, sunny hills of Hollywood where my studio is, I’m living in a place that’s too cold, full of White People, and five feet away from a mother-in-law that hates me almost as much as I hate her. It’s been GREAT!

Noah whistled.

Noah: That’s shit, cunt.

Sarah: What are you guys talking about over there?

Kenzi: NOTHING BABY LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Noah: Smooth.

Kenzi: Hey, who’s that?

Noah: That’s Lexi, cunt.

Sarah gives Kenzi a flat look as she walks over.

Sarah: You WOULD notice the blonde.

Walking up to them, Lexi Gold smiles and waves a snake plushy.

Lexi: Look what I bought! Loved Angelina Jolie as Ka.

Sarah: The book was better.

Kenzi: You WOULD say that.

Sarah: Totes def better, tee bee haitch.

Lexi blinks in confusion at Sarah.

Lexi: What?

Noah: I’ve been asking that for five years, cunt.

Sarah: Totes? Def? You don’t…?

She cuts off as Lexi’s eyes glaze over.

Sarah: …sorry, the hair and vapid twitter posts made me assume you’d understand…okay, I’ll teach you some of the stuff the kids say. Here…

She reaches into her purse, an insanely expensive Lounge Fly with “villain” versions of various Disney Princess on one side and “Princess” versions of various Disney villains on the other, and pulls out a pad of paper and a feathered pen. She hands them to Lexi.

Sarah: Take notes, yeah?

Lexi looks confused but she takes the items.

Noah: What are we doing, Sarah?

Sarah: Team Building! I figure there’s literally nothing in the world more awesome-3000 for a team than squeezing into a Pirates of the Caribbean boat together.

Sarah looks at Lexi.

Sarah: ‘Awesome-3000’ means ‘effective to the 3k degree.’

Lexi looks at her blankly and Sarah gestures towards the pen and paper. Lexi’s eyes go wide.

Lexi: Oh, you meant that literally?!

Sarah: Totes legit. Which means ‘Totally legitimate.’ Write that down, too.

Lexi juggled her plushy snake, phone, purse, and newly gained pad of paper to start writing.

Sarah: Oh hey, there’s Bobby. BOBBY BOURBON!

Noah, Lexi, and Kenzi cringe and hold their ears as Sarah screams unnecessarily loud and waves both hands. Sarah stalks off into his direction with Kenzi, Lexi, and Noah following suit. Along the way, Noah swipes a Mickey-shaped Rice Krispies treat from a kid and tucks it into his pocket. As they approach, Bobby looks at the rest of the team, fidgeting with the fit of the brand new Stitch character cap he got at the park.

Bobby: So, uh, who are we beating the crap out of? Usually when I team up with someone we wind up beating someone up in our promo, like at a seedy location. Tokyo Disney is kinda weird for me but, well, I guess if we’re clobbering Mickey…

Sarah: Axly, you don’t have to beat anyone up, yet, that’s at War Games.

Bobby: But, uh, okay. Well, I prepared something for the group since we're at Disney. Miss Tote?

Genevieve Tote, Bobby’s image consultant, steps forward.

Genevieve: Mr. Bourbon, I don't think they'll appreciate this.

Bobby: Miss Tote, hit it.

Genevieve shakes her head and taps her tablet. "Friend Like Me" from Aladdin starts playing as Bobby prepares to perform a lip sync to it. Before it can begin, Noah Jackson taps Genevieve's tablet, stopping the music.

Noah: Fuck off! No musicals! Why ya tryna give us a song and dance, cunt? You Kido?

Bobby: Up yours, tiddlywinker.

Lexi: Is that an insult?

Lexi starts to jot it down in her notes.

Bobby: Google it.

Noah: Where is it an insult, cunt?

Bobby: Australia.

Noah: Get fucked.

Lexi juggles her notes with her phone.

Lexi: Google doesn't say.

Bobby: Check Australian Google.

Sarah: wut?

Bobby: Ghoougul.

Noah: Eat shit, cunt! First of all-

Sarah: Hey, that’s MY bit!

Noah: -we don’t sound like that.

The team looks at Noah with an expression that shouts “really?” Noah points to them all in turn.

Noah: All of you eat shit. Second, would have been funnier if you said Google but upside down.

Bobby: How am I supposed to do that?

Noah: Easy, cunt. Ǝlƃooפ.

Bobby: Huh.

Sarah: En Gee El, that was pretty impressive. Not, like, abs, or tabs, but still pretty. Make sure you note the levels of difference, Lex.

Lexi makes a note about how Noah was “pretty” impressive, but not “abs” or “tabs” impressive. Meanwhile, Bobby points at a person in a Goofy costume walking around.

Bobby: I am at goddamn Disney Tokyo and not to whoop that dude's ass, the fuck you want from me, some kind of cutesy bullshit? I'm wearing a Stitch hat! I’m not naturally or genuinely fucking cute, I’m one of the Bastards who turned a rainbow into death!

Lexi clutches at her snake plushy while watching all this going on.

Lexi: I mean, the stitch hat and the outfit does suit you, Bobby. Anyway, there is no need to fight. If anything, we should be having fun. We are at Tokyo Disney, for crying out loud.

Sarah: Tabs! That’s ‘totally absolute,’ by the way, Lex.

Lexi nods as she writes that down.

Bobby: Well, I know, it’s why I’m microdosing. ‘Shrooms have always been legal in Japan!

They were, in fact, illegal in Japan, but Bobby was already headed down a rabbit hole.

Sarah: Ew, bb. We don’t do drugs.

Kenzi: …..anymore….

Bobby: Anybody else want some cookies?

Lexi raises her hand wildly in the air. Bobby reaches into his pocket and pulls out a plastic baggy filled with suspicious looking cookies. He pulls one out and hands it to Lexi.

Bobby: This will be fun. War Games, though, and I’m dropping bombs Japan hasn’t seen since…

Lexi: Since Hiroshima and Nagasaki?

Bobby: Nah, since the last time I was in Japan. Also, Noah, don’t talk too harsh about Raion, he’s a goofy bastard, but obviously super scarred from his childhood to the point he’s afraid of his dad and still insecure, regardless of how talented he is in the ring.

Noah: But I’m a cunt!

Bobby: And I’m a Bastard, capitalized! He’s so insecure he thinks I’m a bad guy just because I’m willing to fight him more than once. Shit, didn’t you see how he let everybody pick regular Pokemon but he was the only Legendary one? Didn’t you hear his venom when talking about me, a man he beat? Dude’s a bigger incel than Chris Chaos. He deserves pity, not hate.

Noah: Those must be good mushrooms, let me have some.

Bobby opens the baggy. Noah takes a cookie.

Sarah: I can’t believe you’re giving the team drugs! We need to work together!

Bobby: We could have worked together earlier, Sar, just sayin’. You sure you don’t want a cookie?

Sarah: Not at all! I don’t want your weird Southern US Hippie drugs! Do I look like some hick from Connecticut?! Drugs are bad.

She looks at Lexi.

Sarah: Write that down, Lex.

Lexi writes it down.

Bobby: So I guess the defense I went with to prevent vampire bites is working, I take it.

The rest of the team stops and looks at Bobby, surprised at this announcement.

Lexi: You’re Batman!

Bobby: Nah, he’s fictional.

Bobby grins and looks at Lexi.

Bobby: Also, not Disney!

Bobby looks at Sarah.

Bobby: So, Ozzy…

Sarah looks mortified.

Sarah: What did you call me? First of all, how DARE you?!

Bobby: Sorry, Ozzy was way more communicative, you’re right. Were you Shade?

Sarah looks absolutely shocked.

Bobby: Look at me.

Bobby places a hand on Sarah’s shoulder.

Bobby: You’re the Tom Hanks now.

Lexi: Aren’t you supposed to say “I’m the Captain now?”

Bobby smiles exaggeratedly.

Bobby: She said it, not me! Now, since we’re at Disney Tokyo an hour before close because we had to wait until after dark due to your porphyric hemophilia, are you ready?

Sarah: I’m not…

Sarah sighs and rubs her eyes and nose.

Sarah: Whatev…that’s short for whatever, Lex…ready for what?

Bobby: To stay out of my way, of course! You have drama with your sister, focus on that!

Sarah narrows her eyes behind her glasses.

Sarah: First of all!

Noah: Chill, cunts!

Noah looks at them both while slurping on a mochi icee recently nicked from a kid down Main Street.

Lexi: Do you have to keep using that word?

Noah: What word, cunt?

Lexi shivers.

Lexi: The C Word! Its a bad word.

Sarah and Bobbie simultaneously roll their eyes and share a smirk. Here we go again.

Noah: …you get me banned on Twitter, cunt?

Lexi: What?

Sarah: Happened all the time when I was around.

Bobby: Still does.

Kenzi: Weak bitches, and all.

Lexi: Well, maybe you shouldn’t use the C Word so much.

Noah: It’s a normal word, cunt! Might as well say mate, mate! Look, I’ll teach you some proper Aussie words, since Sarah’s makin’ you write down dumb shit like a cunt.

Sarah blinked several times.

Sarah: Wait...wait...there's more than "Cunt"?

Noah: Oh yeah, cunt, there's Shit Cunt, Dog Cunt, Sick Cunt, Good Cunt, Proper Cunt and Larrikin.

Lexi looks up from her notes.

Lexi: What does the last one mean?

Noah: Oh, it means cunt.

Lexi blinks and Sarah sighs.

Sarah: Of course it does. Might as well rebrand your cereal to Larrkin-Os. They’d still be mass disgust, though.

Sarah turns back to Lexi.

Sarah: That means-

Lexi: Wait…wait…slow down…

Kenzi lets out her approximately fifth resigned sigh that day.

Kenzi: Here…let me help you guys…

She rummages in her purse…just a nice, easy, normal purse that DIDN’T cost five months of her salary unlike SOME people within the Grey-Lacklan household..and pulls out several pieces of paper. She hands them out to Lexi, Bobby, Genevieve, and Noah.

Kenzi: This should help.

Kenzi's Cheat Sheet for some of the dumb stuff Sarah and Angelica say

Totes: Totally, completely. Also, a really handy bag
Sers legit: Seriously legitimate
Obvs: Obviously. See: Duh
Tobvs: Totally obvious
Ubes/Uber: From the German word for “above,” excellent or amazing; also, a cab company
Amazeballs: Really cool. Worth approximately 3 ubes
Coolio: Cool, but not nearly as cool as amazeballs. Worth approximately 1.3 ubes
Dee Dums: Dumb people. Taken from the twins in that legit awesome movie where 😍Johnny Depp😍 wore the big hats
Def: Definitely. Typically used in conjunction with "most" for "most def"
Digital Pigeons: DMs on Twitter, texts, etc
Kickassocity: The study of all things kickass. Note: Ang says "kickbuttocity," because of course she does
Abs: Absolutely
Nabs: Absolutely not
Tabls: All the tabs. I.E. All of the Totally Absolutes. See: Tabs Infinity

Note: All terms can be made a negative with the addition of an “N”. Negit, Nef, Ners, Nobvs, etc

Bobby looks quizzically at the cheat sheet handed him.

Bobby: All this was tabls obvs already, Sar, I have nieces.

Sarah: Wish I had nieces. But Big Bro refuses to be “tied down,” like monogamy is a disease or something. And Angelica is both a size queen AND the covergirl of Never Been Kissed Magazine, so that’s not exactly providing me with any kiddos to adore and spoil.

Noah: Never been kissed? I think I saw Kned with one of those mags. Your sis is a virgin, mate?

Sarah gives an eye roll to make other rolling eyes jealous.

Sarah: Eternally.

Noah: Sick.

Lexi: What’s wrong with that?

Sarah: Let’s just say that she hasn’t experienced HALF the things in life that she thinks she has.

Bobby: And I’ve watched Clueless, obvs.

Sarah momentarily looks up into the sky with reverence on her face.

Sarah: Cher Horowitz, Heaven be thy name

Beside her, Kenzi lets out a deep, resounded sigh.

Kenzi: Considering how often I have to see Sarah and Angelica together, I share your pain, Bobby.

Sarah’s reverence for Cher turns to a scowl.

Sarah: Don’t get me started on my BABY sister right now. Why, just this morning, she-

Bobby: See! Tension! Told you!

Sarah moves her scowl to Bobby.

Sarah: Listen, you.

Noah: You’re sis is an alright cunt, cunt.

Sarah: She’s FABULOUS, axly. Just…incomplete. Like that aforementioned lack of sexification. She THINKS she gets things, THINKS she’s ready to get into the deepest of water against me, but there’s so much that she just don’t KNOW yet. And that’s the kind of stuff that is going to cost her this weekend. Because, even though she HAS experienced a lot, like working with teams and building a business and…ugh…a farm…

Sarah shivered in disgust.

Sarah: …her ship is still pocked with hole’s of ignorance large enough to send her to the bottom of any ocean.

Noah: Sick nautical analogy, mate.

Sarah: I AM from Maine. N-E-Ways…that’s “anyways,” Lex…an example of that is just this week! She’s annoyingly popular with the Japanese fans because of her dumb kitty cafe but she doesn’t even know about the culture. She can soak up their cheers all she wants, but you don’t even want to KNOW what shade of red she turned when she saw that public bathhouse!

Noah’s eyes glittered.

Noah: …sick…

Sarah narrowed her eyes at him.

Sarah: Stop fantasizing about my sisters’ boney butt…it’s literally just a thin flap of skin stretched over her pelvis so tightly that it might as well be Skeletor’s face…or my Mumsie-in-Law’s face, for that matter…and focus on V’s far more bubbly butt! That’s part of our plan for success, ya know!

Noah: Yeah yeah, mate. I'm here because your Sis stole Vita.

Sarah pointed a finger in the air.

Sarah: AXLY! While my draft order DID have Vita as #1….YOU were my #2 Cunt.

Noah: Ah, thanks, Cunt.

Bobby: I was #3, of course.

Sarah clears her throat and looks away.

Sarah: Um…yeah…totes…

Bobby: Bet Lexi was way lower.

Noah: Dude! She's right there!

Lexi: .....okay....I have a confession....

Noah, Bobby, and Sarah all look at Lexi with confusion written on their faces. Beside them, Kenzi raises her head from her iPhone and arches an eyebrow. Lexi’s shoulders sag as she reaches up to her hair, laces her fingers within the strands and pulls up. Her blonde hair pulls off her head in one smooth motion and she stands taller, as if her shoulders had been slumped and her posture lowered. She looked up and the sun of the Tokyo sky shows a chiseled chin, sharp cheekbones, and bright eyes.

Big D: It's been me the whole time.

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

And then an audible gasp from the other members of TúrAnEr in perfect harmony.

Sarah: No way!

Noah: Sick!

Bobby: What the BoB?!

Beside them, Kenzi blinks several times.

Kenzi: You...you guys didn't know?

D’s strong face cast downward ashamedly.

Big D: I'm sorry to deceive you...

Kenzi’s own face filled with disbelief as she looked at Noah, Bourbon, and Sarah.

Kenzi: It was clearly Big D in drag...again...

Sarah: I had NO idea!

Noah: I'm shocked, cunt.

Bobby: These mushrooms are great, Lexi just turned into Big D!

Kenzi throws up her hands and looks at Sarah.

Kenzi: We went shoe shopping with him, Babe. He needed a size 16! What woman would need a size 16?!

Sarah’s eyes briefly glance down at Kenzi’s feet.

Kenzi: Don’t you fucking say it!

D’s face turns back to them and is filled with pride.

Big D: I've been working undercover, but now I'm here for War Games.

Sarah: That makes perfect sense!

Noah: Legit, mate.

Bobby: Wait, Lexi and I had a wonderful lunch the other day, is this your number, D?

Big D: Yes.

Bobby: Huh, well, hey, I dressed in drag too pretty recently, why weren’t you reading to kids?

Kenzi: ......freakin' White People…

Bobby looks at Sarah.

Bobby: So who’s pretending to be Kenzi?

Sarah turns a critical eye on her wife, who returns the gaze with a glower.

Sarah: Just kidding, obvs!

Sarah turns back to the rest of the team and raises her arms, taking them all in.

Sarah: Well, not that the WHOLE team is finally together…let’s ride some rides!

Bobby: You mean beat up Mickey, right?

Noah: Sick!

Sarah: THAT’S NOT WHAT I SAID AND YOU KNOW IT!

Bobby: Oh.

Bobby looks chestfallen at the thought of NOT being able to beat up a small man in a mouse suit.

Bobby: How about Gaston?

Sarah chews her lips and taps her finger on her pointed chin in a way that makes a cute as FLAME dimple appear.

Sarah: Perhaps. BUT NOT UNTIL YOU’VE EATEN REAL FOOD!

Noah stealthily hides a half-eaten frozen chocolate-covered banana back into the random stroller he took it from in the first place.

Sarah subtly motioned a few complicated hand signals to Kenzi, who then grabbed Big D by the arm.

Kenzi: Hey, D! Come help me do…um…something over here?

As Kenzi led away a confused Big D, Sarah turned towards Bobby and Noah.

Sarah: So.

Bobby: What?

Noah: Sup?

Sarah leaned in close, holding her arms out to pull them in closer.

Sarah: How would you two like to see Aslan sacrificed to Jadis atop the Stone Table?

"I'm all in."

The looks around the table were clear surprise. The flop had come down with two Aces and a deuce. Bets had been made, calls called, with only Billy exiting. The Turn had been a seven, leading to another bet, a reraise, and calls all around. The River, by Tom Cruise’s Grace, had been another Deuce. Somehow, some way, the Angelica Vaughn, the worst starting hand possible in Lacklanland Hold 'Em, had given Todd a full boat.

".........out……"

Dutch's fat face was disgusted as he looked at the pot.

"Call."

The Madness radiating from Elaine's harried eyes and wispy hair was followed by a reveal of an Ace and King. The early strength in betting from the poor woman made sense now. Indeed, having the Kenzi of starting hands meant few failures.

"Sorry."

The reveal of the Full House was a wonderful feeling of relief. Perhaps that Employee of the Month plaque, with its preferred cafeteria seating, was soon to come home.

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