There was a slight breeze which made the nearly 90 degree day somewhat more tolerable.

“I mean, come on! TK! He’s like one of the B.O.B originals! Then you have Doc! I mean, that’s THE Doc, ya know?! He’s like the coolest old guy ever! Then there’s Mad Dog. I don’t know much about him, to be honest, but he seems cool enough. All of these totally awesome people building a totally awesome killing machine to take to Japan and fight monsters…….and they send me and Jimmy to go get takeout.”

Jenny was sitting on the back bumper of Jimmy’s old hoopde, waiting outside the Beer Barrell Pizza and Grille in downtown Lima, Ohio. Jimmy had run inside, claiming he “knows the guy” and that they have the “best pizza in Ohio” and “their wings are to die for.” Jenny wondered if a food would ever truly be to die for. That’s a pretty outlandish statement, even for her. Jimmy sure seemed to be excited about it. 

---

“Looks like it you and me chica” he said as she clicked in her seatbelt, his attempt at sounding cool crashed and burned.

“I guess it is,” she said, wiping some grime off the dashboard in front of her. “Yuck” she said, picking her finger up and examining it. “Whens the last time you cleaned this thing?”

Jimmy snorted through his nose with a sarcastic chuckle. “When's the last time you were high maintenance, el loca?” 

There is was, the attempt at Spanish again. Why was he doing that?

“I mean, I am not the woman I used to be, but goddamn Jim, I’ve seen ferrett cages cleaner than this.”

Jimmy didn’t say anything as Jenny rolled down the window in silence (yes, ROLLED down the window, in 2023.)

“So they want us to get them some grub,” he said, “and I know a place that will knock their socks off.”

Jenny twirled her purple extensions, looking at the window at the nothingness that was Lima.

“I have been inside TK’s trailer, and honestly, I would prefer they all leave their socks on.”

Jimmy sighed, “one of those” he said under his breath as he finished his longer-than-it-needed-to-be three point turn and lurched the old car into drive. The black spare tire hubcaps reflected off the trailer windows as they left the park.

“This better be the best darned robot ever built” he mumbled again.

That was over an hour ago, in a town that has literally two intersections, a bent stop sign and a red light that was more pink than red.

“I’ll be right back, mamacita”. He smiled a toothy grin as he walked around the other side of the car. “Don’t go nowhere.”

“You said that last time” her voice trailed off. If this was anything like the night outside TK’s house, he wouldn’t be back anytime soon. Jenny wasn’t gonna hold her breath, as fun as that sounded.

The pizza place was in the end suit in a run down plaza. Around the edges were overgrown weeds that blocked off a vacant, pot-hole stricken lot with an overflowing dumpster in it. Jenny could smell it from INSIDE the car.

“Smells like Bobby’s basement around here,” she said. She fumbled for the AC, but Jimmy had taken the key with him (yes, a KEY, in 2023). Cursing silently, she opened the door hoping for some sort of solace from the oppressive heat inside the car. She swore she was actually STICKING to the faded cloth seats.

Shutting the door with a tinny thud behind her, she sat on the back bumper of the car that was older than she was, and sighed, putting her elbows on her knees and her palm to her chin. She wanted SO badly to win this thing, get revenge from Raion’s epic failure last year, and to not let down Doc and TK. She would do everything and anything asked of her, even if it meant doing a ride-a-long with this TK’s hairy-chested “personal trainer”--let’s get real, he was TK’s bitch, nothing more, nothing less.

With a sigh, Jenny put her hand into the pocket of her overalls.

She pulls out a handful of flax seeds, popping them into her mouth. She had walked a long way, she needed as much nutrition as possible! Her eyes wandered to a figure moving along the pavement to her right. They lit up like Sidney Grey at a pride rally when she saw the cutest, fuzziest, most huggable racoon in the history of ever! Her eyes light up and she smiles, pulling more of the flaxseed out of her overalls.

Sidney Grey, the Cougar Queen. Sidney looks like she’d call the cops on a lemonade stand for operating without a license while also knowing where to score the best kombucha in town. There is something fishy about her, and not just between each wrinkled leg.

“Oh em geeee!” she says aloud–probably louder than necessary–and tosses some of the seed on the ground. The racoon looks up at her, then back at the dry ass flaxseed, then back at her, then sheepishly begins to eat. She watched the critter gobble up all of the flaxseed and look up at her with big, begging eyes. Her heart melted.

Little buddy was hungry, desperate, even. Now she knew how Mr. Oz and Lexi Gold felt. Must be a rough life, sucking at existence like that.

She reached into her pocket and ran some more seeds between her fingers.

“But our opponents round one. Heh.”

She brought a fistfull of seeds out again.

“This is Spencer Gifts target audience, and they thought I was ‘different.’ I bet you know all about that, don’t ya little buddy? Racoons get a bad wrap. I feel ya there.”

She feeds it some more of her flaxseed, and it jumps up onto the dented bumper next to her. Jenny’s eyes go wide again, and the flood gates open.

"War Games is upon us once again, and we have like the coolest team!”

---

The racoon stared at her, as if fully invested in her next sentence, inching closer as she took a breath, her words coming out like a motor that has been started for the first time in years. 

“A lot has changed since I left, and I haven’t even been gone that long. The prodigal son who could never get it done is Universal Champion, again. It’s like he likes to win it right before War Games so when he inevitably chokes he has something to fall back on. A security blanket made of plated gold with a leather backing. I got to know Mr. Kido a lot during our time at this event last year. I chose him number one overall! Big mistake, in hindsight.”

She leans in, almost as if listening to a response, then chuckles.

“Yeah, total bore. Like, our team building wasn’t the best. We wanted to hang out, party, maybe play some fun game like Russian Roulette or PinFinger with my Bobby Flay kitchen set….Raion’s idea of a wild night is making a pot of tea and watching Buraddo Purinsesu hentai–purely for the storyline. He had us all hyped up, like we were in the presence of greatness. The Golden Goose, Raion Kido. Number one overall. Elijah and Angie, well, they’ve never been in the presence of anyone great before, so they were like totes hyped. Me? I’ve been here a long time, I’ve seen a lot, done a lot, and he didn’t have me fooled. The moment he arrived, I saw more red flags than the Beijing Olympics. There was no reason he should have carried himself with that much ego while looking like a Dollar Store action figure. To that point, he had done nothing. He was an up-and-comer, rising through the ranks as everyone’s favorite good guy. The only thing he had been good at, until that point, was being almost good enough. Hell he had only been the Universal Champion for a few days and he treated it like he was Levi Ackerman attempting to save Shiganshina and we were all the villagers….”

She scoffs, tossing some more seeds on the ground.

“Some guy named Gilmour was Universal Champion for at least a month (let's put it into perspective it's not THAT big of an accomplishment) and Raion didn’t even beat Alias to win it–let he looked down on us like peasants the entire time. Self confidence issues masked by brash arrogance and a sense of unearned entitlement? Raion charged into battle like a kamikaze but never stopped to think of the what ifs…..what if he lost, what if everyone laughed at him, what if nobody took him seriously anymore? Raion cost the Meat Clowns victory because he felt he was bigger than us, and he will inevitably cost Angie’s team victory (again) because he will deem himself their savior when he’s not even capable of saving his own legacy. Some things never change. There’s a reason Japan is the suicide capital of the world--because some things never change.”

“XWF never changes either…..it's the same old shit in new, fancy packaging. Same names, over and over every year. Same dispersion of talent—same ones at the top. Like a revolving door of bullshit. How many times is Bobby gonna win something then rub it in all of our faces? How many times is he then going to disappear–no, not physically, just, you know, mail it in–for months at a time until he wants to be the center of attention again and decides to try? I passed on him last year because you just never know which Bobby Bourbon you’re gonna get, and if you wanna win, that’s not the solution. He’s more unreliable than Ned Kaye in a big match, more of a flake than Unknown Soldier (and that's hard to do) and more of a complainer than Corey when he got his termination notice from OCW……”

She hisses, her tongue between her teeth.

“Sorry, that’s clearly a touchy subject.”

Jenny dumps more seeds on the ground, and there is a crowd of critters around her now. They were increasing in numbers and she was running out of seeds. She hoped Jimmy would be back soon, these were her snacks!

“Such a drama-llama he is! And that’s coming from a woman! Having a damn near panic attack when he realized the mystery entrant was me, ranting on about some other company he failed in and got kicked out of after doing exactly what he did here–bitch and moan and want everything to be Corey’s way or no way. Must be a terrible way to go through life, being so miserable all the time! I feel bad for Dolly Waters for drafting this cocksleeve, because as insufferable as she is, as long as Corey is on her team it's “The Smith’s”. All of the focus is off her as captain, and she fades back into the shadows where she belongs. This entire time I have been gone she’s been trying her darndest to be me. Dark Dolly, brooding, deep. Being a ketamine addict who won't brush her hair doesn't make you a witch. She looks like Bellatrix Lestrange if she had a cocaine addiction. For god sakes, is that how SHE views ME?!”

Jenny finds herself standing, stretching her legs. Where the hell was Jimmy? “I’ll be right back.” Pssht, it's like Isiah King ever admitting he will never be anything but MID. Won’t happen.

“Dolly Waters. The Wicked Witch of the Trailer Park. She looks like an even sadder Ed Sheeran.”

There were several critters around her now. Apparently, word travels quickly in the animal community. She was the given, the provided, the—Queen.

“I feel for this copycat cunt, because even though she’s relishing in the spotlight I GAVE her…..she drafted Corey. LMAO! Even after the shenanigans Sidney pulled. Even after Mark Flynn used his influence to work a back room deal to keep the belt he didn't deserve in the first place and causing Charlie Nickels of all people to leave, even after Bobby starting tooting his own horn again, even AFTER Lacklan started blasting everyone (except Jenny, oddly) even her OWN SISTER, even after Raion is...well.....boring ass Raion---they are all better teammates than Corey. Hell even having Mr. Oz and Lexi Gold is better than Corey because at least they don't open their mouths. They play their part, know their roles, and leave the heavy lifting to the people who actually matter around here. Sorry, but Corey hasn't mattered since Lux and Lux didn't matter since---you know what, nevermind. Nobody wants to hear about Corey except Corey, and he gets his dick stroked here enough. I'll just say that I find it a real knee slapper that Corey comes back to the best competition on the planet after flaming out in the B leagues when he wasn't even the one who had to do anything but talk----oh, how ironic, his talking job got old and now he's back in mommy and daddies' basement sucking his thumb and eating their homecooked meals.

I can't say I hate Corey, because I don't, but he sure as hell hates me and that's just great. He hates me so much he got his facts wrong, and I am flattered I could rattle him like that. Truly flattered."

When she looked up, she realized she was sitting Indian style somewhere . It surely wasn’t the car. She had long since run out of flaxseed but luckily had packed some jerky with her for the ride, which she was now enjoying with her new found friends. The trash pandas (she giggled to herself, because TK had called Laklan a trash panda and looking at them now its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO accurate…obvs), and her guess would be they were in their trashy panda-y lair…

Lackland?

Fitting.

She had hoped that she gained some new friends this War Games. She sure as shit didn’t last year, bunch of useless hacks they were. Wasted potential. Angie Vaughn was a captain this year? The awkwardly tall, clumsy, dumb blonde that even the creepy gym coach didn't worry about being left alone with. Easily a reach, only a captain because nobody else volunteered as tribute.

“I know right!” Jenny laughed along as the critters munched away around her, their little hands gripping the petrified meat.

Her good time was broken up by a shout behind her.

“JENNY! JESUS! THERE YOU ARE!”

It was Jimmy. He was out of breath, wheezing.

“Hey Jimmy! These are my new friends, the Lacklans!”

“I don’t give a ficus who they are! I told you to stay in the car! It’s been HOURS! Doc and TK are blowing me up! I had to make up excuses, run all over town. I left the darn food behind! They are going to kill me! Come on, lets go!”

He grabbed her by the arm, but Jenny didn’t move.

“What are you, my babysitter?”

“Apparently I need to be! Come on, get your crazy butt in the car! Hopefully there’s still a drive thru open or something.”

Jenny looked genuinely distraught. She didn’t want to leave the Lacklans behind.

“Can they come?” she asked softly, “please?”

“NO THEY CAN’T COME! Jeez!” he punched the wall next to her and many of the trash panda’s dispersed.

Jenny stood up, defeated.

“I don’t know why you have to be such an asshole,” she said, “I expect it from someone like Noah Jackson but not from Jimmy!”

She pushed her way by him, bumping shoulders. One of her converse laces was untied and tripped her. A couple of the racoons made their way towards her. “Lacklans! They are coming to help me!”

But the trash panda’s weren’t there to help her. Instead, they swarmed her, trying to stick their little heads into her pockets to get the rest of her jerky. It’s all they cared about!

Jenny put her hands over her face–she couldn’t afford to not at least look her best at War Games.

She thought, right there, she was going out. She was going to die by racoon. She wasn’t going to make it to Tokyo….she was going to let her team down—-

A hand grabbed her wrist and pulled her up. It was Jimmy.

“Let’s go. Stop messing around.”

These little assholes. All they cared about was where their next meal was going to come from. They looked to Jenny for sustenance, to be the hand that feeds them. They didn’t care about her. They never did.

As they walked back to the car, Jimmy was still fuming. “It’s frickin late, there is nothing open past ten in this god forsaken town. Why didn’t you stay in the car like I told you to! What are we going to do now? If we come back without grub Doc and TK are going to eat US for this.”

Jenny, still looking at the cement below, smiled. She slowly brought her head up, and flipped open a knife she had lifted from Mad Dog’s tool box.

“I think I have an idea.”

30 minutes later:

The old hoopde crunched into the driveway, and the two got out carrying a large trash bag.

Walking in, TK is pissed.

“What the fuck! Where have you two been?!  We sent you to get food HOURS ago!”

“And food we got” Jenny smiled, dumping out the bodies of 70 slaughtered racoons onto the table.

“Bon appetite.”

Doc and TK look at each other and both shake their heads.

Mad Dog walks into the room, crushing a PBR and wiping his brow. “Dat der coon?! Heh, Score! Pap used to make some damn good coon steaks. Gave me the recipe and ‘errything.”

He grabs one off the table and licks his lips.

“Hot damn! Ima cook dez here up and we gonna be eat good, boys.”