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LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH

*BELCH*



Hey there, Buff Dudes! Which is a way way way WAY better name than what you’ve saddled yourselves with, tbh. I just want to thank you here at the beginning for downloading this podcast. I made sure to fill the meta data with stuff like #NoChanceToWin and #AngelicaAndSarahWinLOL and #AndStill and #JoleneIsADumbHoe and such. Now, it’s freakin’ CLEAR that you dudes don’t axly know who I am…which, as we will see in a moment, is the crux of this whole dealio…so, if you would please allow me this moment, I would like to introduce myself:

If you wanted to just skim the surface and not go too deep, that right that basically covers it. I’m Sarah Lacklan, one half the reigning, and soon to be defending, Taggie Team Champions, and I’m better than you. Hell, if we got to El Paso and I was puking my guts out in the bathroom on the third floor by the Sun Bowl Poke Hut (you know the one), with Kenzi, Roxy, Angelica, and even my Mumsie-in-Law holding back my perfectly smooth hair, I would STILL be better than the two of you combined on your best day! But you don’t know that because…well…you did what I basically knew you were going to do:

You skimmed a couple of bios available on the ol’ website. You fast-forwarded through a promotional video or two. You got the absolute basics of one or two things while completely misunderstanding anything of depth and value.

Sweet Baby Jesus’ chubby little cheeks…I gave you two a CHANCE.

A FUCKING CHANCE

Annnnnnnnd you failed.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, this was something I expected. Because in the several weeks you have been within the dirty, scummy halls of the XWF, you have utterly failed to do the most important thing there is: Connect. You know NOTHING about the XWF or its inhabitants. You know nothing of the history or the present day. And PART of that proof is your dumbass comment about the tag division and how we, Team HSU, half of the era-defining multe-company stable the #CoolKids, are responsible for that.

First of all -

As much as I loathe to see it, team-based wrestling within the industry is at an all-time low. I personally love all of the shifting mechanics involved, from knowing when to push forward and lead your team and knowing when to conversely play support, to analyzing an opponent’s team and figuring out their weak link, and more! I love the ebb and flow, the back and forth. Unfortunately, this aspect of the business hasn’t been important within the industry in not just my lifetime, but perhaps two of my lifetimes. But I am someone who has pushed beyond that overall aversion for said style of wrestling, and in my career have had numerous successful teams and a whole lot of gold, including here within the XWF with multiple partners. I am not the cause of the malady which has infected this aspect of the business, Monsieurs: I am the cure.

And second -

The insinuation that we are the cause of the taggie team disarray with the XWF is another example of how little you know of the XWF. If you knew anything, if you two had bothered to do even a SMIDGEN of looking back a bit to see what has or has not happened in the relative timeframe of you being here, you would have seen that Team HSU JUST WON THE FUCKING TITLES. Oh, but the champs, WHO JUST BECAME CHAMPS, are clearly the reason why there isn’t much of a taggie team scene, right? I mean, makes sense! Oh, and ESPECIALLY when said taggie team champs were in the middle of a singles tournament, right? Yep, totes legit makes sense!

Listen, kiddos: You’re just gonna have to do better. But unfortunately for the viewing audience, your past performance tells us that my hope just isn’t going to happen. Because not only do YOU not know ANYTHING about the XWF, not only have you two not connected with US at all, WE have also not connected with YOU. A few promotional videos in and there is NOTHING we know…or perhaps really even care to know. Like, I GET that not EVERYONE can provide a debut promotional video as well as I can…here check this out, I even have a plaque…got a pic of it on my SWEET Windows Phone….ugh….still loading…don’t know why it always takes so long…here we are:

XWF’s GREATEST DEBUT PROMO

SARAH LACKLAN’S ”DRIVING MISS CRAXY”

DEBUT DATE: FEBRUARY 25TH, 2019



….but I DO expect SOMETHING out of it, ya know? I expect that, after your initial salvo, we would see SOMETHING of you, we would know SOMETHING of who you are and how you think, and we would get SOMETHING in the way of clear research from you from scouting and whatnot, right? But NOPE! That’s not how the ol’ Buff Dudes operate, apparently.

Angelica and I? Know what WE did last week? We showed an insane amount of knowledge of the various people and situations within this company. From champions to audience plants to members of Vinnie’s (soon-to-be) ill-fated work program for Poors, you saw glimpses of our understanding of the company around us. And THAT is why WE are the taggie team champions. Because we came in, combining our powers, and beat down those who would stand before us. We showed the world that just because Gravy is interesting doesn’t mean he’s good. We showed that not even Dolly, as talented as my daughter is, can pull along a broken piece of flotsam when faced with two actual opponents. And we showed the entire XWF what we, the House of Lacklan, truly are.

And that’s not a good thing for you two dummies.

Between Angelica and I, we have multiple taggie team and singles titles reigns, including the Universal FUCKING Championship right HERE in the XWF, a record that would make most of the Top 50 COMBINED green with envy, and a familiarity with one another that is stronger than even our shared blood. And you two? A career-long road of coming and going, of opportunities squandered and lost, of almost and maybe.

Between these two teams, the gulf of difference is so vast that not even the Pacific could fill it. You two should look back up to all that meta data in the post of this vlog and latch onto a specific phrase so as to prepare yourselves:

And still.

AND STILL.

AND GODDAMN STILL

For the LOVE of ALL that is Holy, I gave you two A FUCKING CHANCE

And THIS is what you’ve given us?!

FOR

FUCKS’

SAKE!

Sarah! Are you cutting mean promos in there?!

………no?

You’re supposed to be helping your sister!

I AM helping! I’m…supervising…increasing morale…

You get out here RIGHT NOW or I’m going to make that pale butt of yours so red that your eyes will be jealous!

….talk about threatening me with a good time…

WHAT WAS THAT?!

NOTHINGLOVEMYBABYSOMUCHCOMINGRIGHTNOW!

---

---

Angelica stood tall-legged, arms crossed, surveying the scene. The noise of whirring blades was deafening, and her hair was swooping in the wind.

”Totes brill! This’ll be the greatest undertaking in history since Julius Caesar threw a pair of dice into the Rubicon!”


Dozens of transport helicopters were spread all over the edges of the ranch, their bellies anchored to the ground. Digging machines had dug trenches along the border of Angelica’s property.

Next to Angelica, her mother threw her a worried look.

“Sweetheart, are you certain this is a good idea?”

”Aayyyyyyy-up! Never been more sure of anything in my life! I am going to airlift my ranch and everything on it right out of this turncoat town, and put it in Maine where I apparently belong way more than I do here!”

“But… JUST because they were cheering for Ned Kaye during your March Madness Tournament match? Don’t you think you’re being a little… dramatic?”

””Dramatic?? *MOI*? Come now mumsie, you know me better than that. After everything I gave to San Antonio and its people, they still turned on me quicker than Tai Lung on Master Oogway when he didn’t get the Dragon Scroll! Rapscallions! So heck yes, I am pulling an ‘UP’! Except, of course, my plan is much more realistic than Pixar’s. Can’t use balloons to lift a house into the air, that would just be silly!”

As Mary sighed, Angelica felt her phone buzz for what seemed like the hundredth time that day. She quickly glanced at the screen and saw that it was Dean Henderson, again. She sent him straight to voicemail. She wasn’t sure what that was about, but she had more important matters to attend to right now.

”Okies! It’s time we get this show into the air! Mom, you go with that chopper over there. I’ll see you back in Maine!”

Mary hesitantly got into the nearest chopper. Angelica remained behind, for now, to make sure everything went smoothly.

”On my signallllll….. GO!”

As Angelica waved, the roaring engines of the dozens of choppers went into overdrive. The earth itself cracked and rumbled, causing her to almost lose her balance. The Ranch was slowly torn out of the ground, and went up, up, up… Angelica jumped for joy now that her plan had come to life, and was actually working.

”SISTER!”

”Uh-oh.”

Angelica turned around to see Sarah come running. Her sister was, almost comically, trying not to trip over the hem of her oversized dress. Angelica swirled around and greeted Sarah with the hugest smile and her arms wide open, ready for a sisterly embrace. Sarah skillfully dodged it, but that didn’t dampen Angelica’s spirits.

”Sis! Look at it, it’s beautiful, no! I’m actually doing it! I’m moving it all to Maine, and nobody can stop me, especially those ingrates who—”

”I really need to show you something!”

”-- not even cheering for me in my own hometown, why the audacity! The very nerve! N-E-Ways, we need to follow suit! SIS! GET TO DA CHOPPAH!”

”ANG! LOOK!”

Sarah opened up a video on her SWEET Windows phone and showed it to Angelica, who was snapped out of her tirade.

”...I don’t see anything?”

”SIIIIIGH. Just wait for it to load…”

A couple of minutes later, Angelica saw a man wearing a Ned Kaye t-shirt on a podium, addressing a crowd. It was shaky cellphone footage, but distinctive enough.

“So, everybody knows, right? Our Ned Kaye fan club managed to buy the majority of the Warfare tickets through bots and scalpers. Unfortunately, we don’t have that many members, so we’re forced to hire you extras! So everybody, let’s practice your chant! And get your signs up!”

“NED! NED! NED! NED! NED! NED! NED! NED!”

“Excellent! We’ll make it look like the entire town has turned against Angelica and give Ned the advantage he needs to win! Soon, everybody will believe the lies our Idol has spread about Angie!”

The video cut off at that point, and Angelica slowly looked up, at Sarah’s uncharacteristically compassionate red eyes. Then, she slowly looked up at the Ranch that was literally flying away through the air. Angelica slowly straightened her back, and took a deep breath, followed by a long sigh.

”........................I’ve made a huge mistake.”

She then looked back at Sarah, who was putting her phone away. She put her hands on her hips and leaned forward. She seemed calm and collected, but when her mouth opened, she unleashed a furious torrent of words.

”YOUCOULDNTVETOLDMETHISFIFTEENMINUTESAGO???’

”FIRST OF ALL!”

Then, Angelica’s phone rang again, for the millionth time that day. The Dean, of course. A distraught Angelica picked up this time.

”HELLO YES THIS IS ANG!”

“Angelica! It’s a disaster! You need to get over here right now! They tee-peed the whole school!”

Angie suddenly seemed a bit remorseful, evidenced by pangs of guilt flashing across her chest like stabs in the heart. She’d been ready to pack it all up and leave, and apparently she had just fallen into the trap of a few scallywags who were so desperate to put Ned Kaye over, they’d concocted an elaborate farce to make it seem like he was anywhere near as beloved as Angie. She owed the people something. She owed her school something. She cared about these people. She looked at Sarah.

”Look, as happy as I am that you’re finally leaving stinky Hicksville, I know you. And I know you’ll hate yourself if you leave for the wrong reasons. That’s why I showed you that video. And… sigh…that’s why I think you should go to them.”

Angelica nodded, and answered the Dean.

”I’ll be right there, but on one condition. Gather as many people as you can. Students or otherwise. I have something I want to say.”

---

---

Kenzi, Sarah and Angelica arrived at the SACC, which was pretty much draped in toilet paper from one end of the school to the next.

”Ooh, pretty!”

”Kind of appropriate.

“And hey, think about it: Lots of free toilet paper!”

Both Angie and Sarah turned questioning gazes at Kenzi. In response, the caramel starlet threw up her hands.

“What?! That shit doesn’t just show up out of thin air! Or wipes itself! I wonder if it’s 2-ply.”

Sarah rolled her eyes so hard that the Earth quaked a second time that day.

“Oh please, Beloved. Anything less than 4-ply hasn’t touched that #SweetestBootyInALLTheLand in, like, a bajillion years. Someday, you’re going to realize you’re Rich now.”

Kenzi’s eyes narrowed and she folded her arms beneath her breasts.

“Don’t you call me that!”

“Beloved, we HAVE been through this. We’re OLD money.”

Sarah let her eyes slide to Angie.

“You would be, too, if you took a larger stipend from the family coffers.”

”I’ve told you a bazillion times, sis, I’d much rather make my own fortune, in more ways than one.”

“...at least that means less going to your harlot servant mother…”

“What was that, sis? You started grumble-mumbling.”

“Oh wow! Would you LOOK at that crowd!”

A crowd had gathered, and the Dean waved Angelica over, looking rather panicked.

“Not sure who did this, Angelica, but the whole school’s distraught! I rang up a few community leaders, they’re here to help, but we could use some… leadership.”

Angelica nodded, and as Sarah and Kenzi looked on, Angelica went to the front of the crowd, hopped on a lunch table in the courtyard, and waved her arms to draw everyone’s attention. Everybody fell silent as San Antonio’s favorite daughter addressed them.


”My friends, I have to apologize. The past week I have been severely lacking in one thing… faith. And whereas I used to lack faith in myself, this week I lacked faith in, it pains me to say, you…

Now, some would call that growth. I don’t. Because real faith is unconditional. And I have let you down in that regard, causing me to make some rash decisions.

And I think I have a pretty good idea who teepeed our lovely school. And it was because of me. A Vagabond and a Rover, looking to mess with my home and the people I hold dear. The people who I should’ve been more grateful for. But we will not submit to their childish schemes. We will clean up. We will be better than ever. We will show these Honorable Mentions that they truly are nothing but a footnote in Our history! We will trample them like wildebeest in the savanna. They will not take our legacy. They will not take our Gold. They, or any other pretender, will never shake our faith again.

But. We will…

…Raise the Fist!”

As one, and without hesitation, the crowd raised a fist into the air and slammed it to their chest. Off to the side, Kenzi Grey’s eyes widened in surprise. She turned to Sarah next to her, but the albino’s eyes were only on their legendarily leggy family member. But she understood the word Sarah silently mouthed:

”Daddy.”

Kenzi had only met the man who would posthumously become her father-in-law once, at Sarah’s 19th birthday party, held before they had begun dating. He was at the end of his life, walking with a cane and barely able to speak, but he still had an aura around him that took people’s breath away. In the intervening years, she had seen plenty of his angry, hateful message through videos, and had seen it in person in Sarah’s stepmother Aveline. And while Sarah was a very different beast than her father, Kenzi had seen plenty of fire and determined anger from her.

But not from Angie. In fact, if they had not known better, no one ever would have suspected that Angelica’s birth father was that hateful man. Yes, Angie’s drive and natural talent for wrestling made sense considering her blood, but Kenzi had never really seen hints of Jean-Paul Lacklan within her.

Until now.

Seeing Angie’s blue eyes light up with passion, and “her people” eating up every word she said, she absolutely saw it now.