Todd was having a bad week.

“Just find her, dude!”

The assignment from his boss…with garish sunglasses bespeckled in multi-colored dots that matched his Ultra Slim Jeans…was the worst that any member within the XWF Interview Team (Drone Division) could be given. He had sighed heavily as he slumped into the chair of his cubicle and had done his best to ignore the humorous smiles of his coworkers. All of them had had to deal with this particular torture at some point over the last few years, and none were exactly jealous of his task.

“Start with their totally rad pad, man! It’s EGGcellent!”

Most had difficulty understanding the particularly archaic oral stylings of Vinnie Lane on Day One of their employment, but Todd had been with the XWF long enough to take the hint. The “egg” of Vinnie’s pun was simple enough to interpret: Start with his assignment’s house. After activation, the XWF Interview Drone (internally referred to as an ID, much to the confusion of the security staff) flew through the hills of Hollywood in search of his query, but upon reaching the oddly egg-shaped house…though “mansion” was a better word for the monstrous dwelling…all he found was a giant flock of white pigeons roosting atop the roof and a pair of feral cats who had attempted to attack the ID as it flew around. The front of the house was bare, with the infamous Knight Rider-clone car not parked out front. His query was not at home.

“Underwear Football Time, bay-BAY!”

Todd coughed as a cloud of vaping smoke filled his cubicle. Days into his fruitless search, he saw his boss, who was in the middle of what seemed to be a Chinese dragon brought to life by way of the smoke, pin a paper to the announcement board. Todd’s eyes went wide as he saw the schedule for the newly relaunched Lingerie Football League and he snapped his fingers in triumph. Oh course! But glittering hope turned to dashed dreams as the ID flew over the skies of Cincinnati and, while finding the likes of the Leggy Blonde of Legend, the Blonde Bombshell, and others of the eternally unsuccessful Hit Girls, the cheer squad did not include the subject of his search and assignment. But neither was…

Inspiration  blossomed within Todd.

The East Coast IDs were activated.

Todd had used all of his drone piloting skills to marshal through the traditionally difficult winter weather of Maine, but success was his. Over the fields belonging to the enigmatic family the drones had flown, giving him visions of slow-covered roads, fields of white awaiting the spring thaw for the fresh planting of blueberries, and the village which had grown around the land over the last generation. And that inspiration had turned into exhilaration as his drones caught sight of what had been eluding him the last few days:

A small figure, pale of face, dressed in a sea of black and red puffery.

The face of that figure had scowled, given his ID a rude gesture with a gloved hand, and slammed a door to disappear inside the large manor house before he could get close.

🎤“I wanna Raab-”🎤

🎤“RAAB!”🎤

Even as his chest fell in consternation at his query slamming her way away from him, Todd found himself joining the rest of the coworkers in the automatic reply to Vinnie’s singing.

🎤“I WANT TO RAAB-”🎤

🎤“RAAB!”🎤

It was, after all, a very catchy tune.

For the next few days, Todd had continued to try to catch the figure for an interview. The drone made attempts to see through windows, to sneak into doors as a variety of servants came and went, even a memorable masquerade as he used three IDs stacked atop one another and wearing a trenchcoat and fedora hat. That particular idea had come from his boss but was stopped by the other half of his query, the caramel starlet who made up the G of the G-Ls. Amidst a constant stream of…well…whining…about wanting to “go home already!” because she “hates being around your stupid mother!” the former Anarchy and Tag Team Champion had noticed something was “off” about the coat-wearing trio of IDs. Perhaps Todd should have tried a cover story other than someone selling bibles door-to-door. This was the home of a cult, he realized, even if that fact hadn’t been covered well for the XWF audience to date.

Thankfully, though, after all the futility of trying to land this interview footage, an opportunity had presented itself: On the final day before leaving the grounds in Maine, an all black Fresian had bolted out a stable door with a mound of puffy red and black atop its back. Seizing the moment, Todd had engaged Stealth Mode and followed his elusive prey. Away from the large house, down cobblestone streets, through the village, puffs of light snow shooting behind the hooves of the galloping horse. Into the forest the stealthing IDs flew, where, at the end of a well-worn yet still snowy path, there arose a clearing. Enclosed within a large wrought iron fence with an elaborate gate lay a small graveyard with a handful of stones jutting from the ground. Todd’s IDs quietly lowered themselves down as the horse moved through the gates and watched as the rider leaped down to the thin line of snow below.

“Bonjour père.”

Todd slowly brought in the IDs in hopes of making sure he caught every syllable of the famously articulate High Londoner accent.

“Mère biologique.”

The woman ran a gloved hand over the two most prominent tombstones before turning back to her horse.

“One final visit before heading back to the Egg. Mackenzie is being SO whiny about it, let me tell you.”

After rummaging around in a bag hanging from the Fresian’s rigging, the woman produces a bright red apple for the horse as well as a dark gray tumbler.

“And I brought mulled WIIIIIIII-iiiiiine!”

The sung word was so melodic that, even in his workplace within the floating building that was XWF headquarters, Todd shed a tear.

After giving the apple to the horse and giving it a soft pat, the girl plopped down on the ground before the larger of the two tombstones and placed her back against it. Only her face was visible in the sea of darkness that was her clothes, including a hood that covered all but a few wisps of bright blonde hair, and her pale face shone brilliantly in contrast to the clothes. Nearly as pale as the surrounding snow, her skin was smooth, with high cheekbones, lips painted a brilliant red. And while her eyes were as attention-catching as always, with black wings painted to accentuate the natural red tint, Todd couldn’t help but notice deep worry lines that were etched into the surrounding skin.

Sarah Lacklan was tired.

“I’ve been thinking, Father. A lot, lately. Stuff like self-analysis and such.”

She twisted off the top of the tumbler, steam immediately pushing into the cold air off the warm wine inside. She took a deep whiff, a smile coming to her face, before taking a drink.

“I am a terrible friend.”

She set down the tumbler, twisting it so that it stuck into the snow and stayed in place.

“Now, don’t get me wrong: I am great at other things. For instance, I was always a dutiful daughter to you…and I’m sure I would have loved my birth mother, had I known her.”

She reached out and caressed the second tombstone for a moment again.

“And I have worked tirelessly these past few years to help Mumsie. She’s…well…her…but I think I’ve made great strides in that regard. And Mother Grey…well…”

She cleared her throat and took another drink of her wine before continuing.

“Quite the conversation with HER I had the other day. She’s talking of getting back into wrestling…at HER venerable age…and on MY show! Silly, that.”

A shake of her head and another drink of wine.

“And I’m, like, the BEST wife. For instance, just last night, I-”


“-and then CRASH came down the chandelier!”

She giggled as she took a drink of her wine.

“And I’m a…well…I’m a pretty good sister. I’m not going to lie about it, Father, as I would hate to see Baby Jesus cry: I need to do better in that regard. Like, we still do the Weekly Sibling SarTime Chat, of course, but I need to INSPIRE your other two offspring. I need to make them reach for the stars! Shinji’s got his school, and all, but he doesn’t really DO anything. And while Angelica is doing as well as ever…she’s a tag champ with some random dude who I do NOT like at ALL…she’s still not EVERYTHING she can be. And I need to help with that. By being more than just her biggest sister…but by also being her friend in the business.”

Another drink.

“Which takes us back to where we started. I’m terrible at that whole friendship…thing. Yes yes, I know I didn’t have many when I was a child…really, just some sycophants and the dude who would later become a stalker…but I should be BETTER about that, now. Instead, I do stuff like bail on Dolly and Vita like it’s nothing…cancel on Roxy and our weekly mani/pedi/bleaching sessions all the TIME…and worse! I didn’t even CALL Ruby when Centurion finally died and stayed dead. What kind of friend is THAT?!”

A shake of the head and swig of wine.

“BUT! I’m resolving to be better about that. And to do so, I’m going to embrace something else: I’m a terrible friend…a dutiful daughter…the BEST wife…but I am also the greatest wrestler of all time. And THAT’S how I’m going to be a better friend. By being there. For everyone.”

A drink.

“Admittedly, it’s been a while. Not since…”

As she speaks, one of her hands subconsciously touches her stomach.

“...well, let’s be honest: You were squeamish when I first got my period…Mr Drop the Hammer…and quickly pushed me towards one of the servants for guidance. And because of that, I’d hate to bore you with the details about how I’ll never have to worry about having another one. Mackenzie is all KINDS of Jelly Belly about THAT.”

She turned to the second tombstone and gave it another soft touch.

“Would you still be alive today if you had done the same?”

She sighed and went back to her wine.

“Anyway, that’s the plan. The reality, dear Father, is that my goal, OUR goal, of changing wrestling isn’t finished. Yes yes, there have been great strides by me. Not that I mean to brag, but I have-”


“-and through it all, I’ve somehow become very adept at losing championships without losing matches. Weird, huh?”

A shake of the head.

“But that’s all past, and the next step is what matters. I asked Vinnie to give me some random opponent I know nothing about…he smiled and started barking like a dog for some reason…and here we are. I WILL be back in full form. I’ll be kicking, snaping, choking. I’ll be showing the XWF that, guess what, you don’t need to resort to garbage nonsense to be the champion. I’ll be inspiring everyone, from enemies who can’t get over losses they took three years ago to the friends I’ve let down, and bringing them to new heights. And they, every one, will thank me for it in the end."

As she laid her head back against the tombstone, Todd instructed his IDs to quietly lift off and head back home. Let her enjoy the last of this visit in privacy.