When we left off Charlie Nickles had just burst out of the BastardNet studio after receiving a mysterious phone call from ‘Connie’s Cell’. The Nickleman just up and took off in the middle of filming BOB’s next cinematic classic, leaving director Barney Green and the BOBleheads scratching their heads. None of the cameramen in the studio were able to keep up with the wily bastard, but the XWF drones overhead have never let us down. Since the BOB production crew wasn’t able to keep up with The Nickleman, Vinnie Lane had to make sure that the XWF’s production crew could: because we can’t afford to miss a minute of The Nickleman’s dramatic made-for-TV life!

The action picks back up as the camera fades into an overhead shot of BOB’s red hummer limo kicking up serious dust on the freeway. Weaving between cars and switching lanes with no notice, the stretch limo has to be pushing at least 100 miles per hour. The limo is speeding so fast the XWF drone is actually having trouble keeping up!

As the camera gets further and further behind the red limo, the scene suddenly gains audio. We hear the crackling of radio static as a text banner in the corner of your screen reads ‘Bluetooth Connected to ‘RED MAMA’ microphone’. Within a few seconds the static gives way and you can hear the anxious voice of a delusional man coming through, albeit without his knowledge.


Connie, why do you sound so different?...Are you feeling okay?....You don’t have AIDS, do you? I’ll have to stop and get some new needles if you have AIDS….I promise I’ll be there soon!


As the red limo speeds down the freeway the XWF drone camera starts to lag further and further behind. Just when it looks like all hope might be lost, the Bastard’s limo makes a sudden exit onto an offramp. The hummer limo slows down considerably as it encounters multiple vehicles ahead of it on the one-lane exit ramp. Thankfully the XWF drone is able to catch up, allowing us to see that the only person in the vehicle is Charlie Nickles, who is holding a cell phone up to his mangled right ear. The hummer’s horn starts repeatedly honking whilst the XWF drone continues tapping into the limo’s bluetooth microphone.

I’m trying to get to you, but these prissy little metros keep getting in my way!

MOVE OR I WILL MOVE YOU!

The Nickleman pounds on the limo’s horn as he tries to urge the cars ahead of him forward.

I promise I am coming for you at unprecedented speeds, but these slow-moving jackasses just keep slowing me down! I don’t know why they have to be out here, I agree they shouldn’t be out here, but they’re fucking out here damn it, and I can’t magically move through them- I have to move them out of the way, and that takes time! They should’ve stayed their asses home, but they chose to get on this rocky road with me and now we’re all going to suffer for it!

Charlie honks his horn even more as he begins ramming into the rear bumper of the small Mitsubishi in front of him. Charlie rams the limo into the small car twice before the drone is able to fly in and get a closer look.

MOVE, BITCH! GET OUT OF MY WAY! I WANT MY CONNIE, I’VE WANTED MY CONNIE FOR MONTHS!

MOVE!

As the camera gets closer we can see some serious damage is already being done to the Mitsubishi’s bumper. A parody sticker that reads ‘MAKE ANIME REAL AGAIN’ is slowly being smashed into a concave hole of metal.

I WILL MOVE YOU TO GET TO MY CONNIE!

Charlie slams into the Mitsubishi one more time, causing it to spin out and spin off into the guardrail! The small Japanese-made car suddenly combusts into a flaming cloud of smoke, much to the bastard’s delight.

AHAHAHAHAHAAHA, I TOLD YOU! THIS IS ALL PROPHETIC, BITCH!

As the bastard limo speeds forward once more all the other cars on the offramp swiftly pull over to the side, allowing Charlie to pass. This seems to please him.

Yeeeee Dioggee! I’m on my way to you now Connie, with no more interruptions! All I had to do was crush that little shitwagon, now there’s no one else in my way!

The limo speeds off the ramp and onto a smaller road on the outskirts of the city. The XWF drone, of course, follows it dutifully. Oh wait, no- that’s actually a police helicopter coming into the scene! FUCK!

Charlie, look out!

Huh, what the fuck was that? Connie, did you say something?

Oh God, and those are police officers just up ahead laying down spike traps across the road!

Wait, who’s doing what?

OH FUCK THOSE ARE COPS! Connie, the fucking police are trying to stop me now- but don’t worry, I’m too smart for them to catch me!

Charlie Nickles presses a worn-out button on the limo’s console, and we can see the license plates of the limo flip around and display false tags.

Hopefully they only got a description of the whip….I hate traffic tickets!

The red limo suddenly steers off the road just before it’s set to run over the spike traps. The car drives around the ambush, but instead of veering back onto the road, the limo drives in the ditch for a few seconds before crashing over a fence and driving over some unplowed farmland! The limo nearly seems to disappear inside a maze of stalks and grain, and the helicopter circling overhead seems to be at a loss.

Ok Connie I have to ditch the limo and head out on foot….but I’ll be there soon! I’m not letting anyone get in my way, I’ve wanted you ever since I first laid eyes on you!

And just like that the rat bastard escaped the grain maze, ditching the ride and slinking through the brush on a path uncharted towards the one and only Connie- who Charlie knew to be going steady with another man. That bastard never could stand to see Connie hanging on another man’s arm, and as he fled the scene of his carnage, Charlie reveled in the opportunity to send her new lover into exile.

That sly Nickleman was already plotting his next machinations…




We cut to a clearly pre-recorded shot of Charlie Nickes sitting in a tattered lawn chair back on set at the Bastard’s studio production of ‘My Sandlot’. Obviously filmed before Charlie’s seeming sudden break with reality, this scene carries all the trademarks of Barney Green’s legendary directorial style- most evidenced by the fact that Charlie still isn’t wearing any shoes. A tinted filter has been applied to the scene in post-production, making it appear even more ‘rustic’ than before. The Nickleman is now also wearing an umpire’s hat on his head, and many prostitutes of many genders are now bustling into the once-boarded up house behind Charlie.

Barney Green scripted this to be Charlie’s big moment in the movie, and it was the first thing he wanted to shoot on the first day of filming- so it had better be good! But as more and more time passes without anyone really doing anything, it just starts to feel uncomfortable.

An awkward amount of time passes with Charlie just sitting in the lawn chair, somewhat mindlessly, as if he were being distracted by something going on inside his mind. A few snaps and a cue from the director brings The Nickleman back to, and he quickly starts pointing towards the ump’s hat on his head.

You see this right here? You know what I had to do to get this, you all saw it for yourselves! Fucking epic fight, wasn’t it? But at the end of the day, they brought everyone they could….and they still found out that THIS was MY sandlot…and now? I’m taking THEIR ball and going home!

Charlie pulls the same baseball from before out of his pocket, only now it is covered in blood. Who’s blood? We’ll never know, because Barney Green never had a chance to shoot those scenes!

I’m taking their ball and going home….to Wednesday Night Warfare!

And you see this, right here, on my head?

Charlie once again gestures towards the hat on his head, only this time with more drama and theatrics.

This means that when I come back to my home, in the Main Event on the greatest wrestling show on TV, -I- get to decide who is and who isn’t safe!

And let me tell ya….Finn Kuhn isn’t going to be safe!

The Nickleman cackles to himself, leaning back in his chair and throwing the bloody baseball over his shoulder. The baseball hits some random prostitute in the head, and she falls to the ground unconscious- causing her balls to slip out of her bikini.

Barney Green makes sure to capture this moment in high definition, and for a few moments Charlie Nickles is blurred out as the camera focuses in on the escort’s balls- but in a classy way, like the French would do.

After a few golden moments Barney regains his good senses and brings The Nickleman back into focus in the center of the screen. He has now recovered from his laughing fit and is wiping some spit off his lips.

And Finn knows he’s not going to be safe on Warfare, that’s why he’s spending all his free time with his trainer, desperately preparing for Charlie Nickles. Desperately trying to retool his entire moveset, desperately trying to rework his arsenal, desperately trying to relearn the fundamentals….because even HE KNEW he wasn’t good enough to beat Charlie Nickles two weeks ago!

And guess what?

He’s still not good enough to beat me!

AND HE KNOWS IT!

I’m so deep in Finn’s head that instead of fucking his personal trainer like everyone else does, he’s just talking to her…ABOUT HOW HE’S GOING TO LOSE TO ME! What kind of weird humiliation kink is that?!

The Nickleman claps his hands together in joy before he shakes his head from side to side and prepares himself to sell a great lie- because his mind games never stop.

Him and that trainer he should be fucking are soooooooo concerned about my ‘mind games’ but why? Why concern yourself with them, why bring them up, why even mention them? Every make-believe hero in the XWF wants to tell people they can’t ‘fall for Charlie’s mind games’...but if that was the case, why feel the need to mention them at all? Centurion played the same routine, and that shtick can only end one way. Don’t you think that false coat of armor might be wearing thin by now?

….

Naaaaahhh I’m jus playin!

Come on Finn, dog, I don’t even play mind games! I don’t even got half a mind to do it! Why you talking about something that don’t even exist my guy?

Charlie Nickles rolls his eyes and makes the universal sign for ‘crazy’ with his hand next to his head.

Finn and that whore he should be fucking are crazy. I don’t play mind games, I’m not contracted to any ‘mind games’ federations. I’m a 1-sport kinda guy, and that sport has always been professional bloodletting- my favorite contact sport! You see folks there’s a sickness in professional wrestling going around these days and I just can’t sit on the sidelines and do nothing. There’s a contagious case of pussification going around this combat sport recently, that I believe originates at the very top. It was passed to everyone in the Trilogy by Theo Pryce, and from there on out they spread it to the whole damn company. Or maybe Peter Vaughn brought it in with him on exile, that dirty ass refugee- I’m not quite sure how it started. But what I know is this: I see a nasty case of raging puss’ behind Finn Kuhn’s eyes.

The only person playing any mind games in this match is Finn Kuhn; and he’s only playing them with himself. He’s psyching himself out of this match, each and every time he opens his mouth to address it.

Charlie cracks a toothy grin as he starts imitating the voice of Finn’s trainer from the first promotional package.

I know this match is intimidating you. It's written in your eyes. Your face. Your demeanor…….And after Charlie gets done playing with your limp corpse inside his sandlot, he might literally write it out in your blood!

The Nicklman leans forward in his tattered chair as he bursts out laughing.

You can lie to yourself, you can lie to your sexy little coach, but you won’t be able to lie to the fans after tomorrow night. They’re going to see firsthand just how much all that ‘training’ you do matters. You can have the best technique in the world, the best armbar we’ve ever seen, the best 1-2 combination since Muhammad Ali….it still won’t save you from the wrath of the Nickleman. All I need is my trusty 2x4 to cut you open just seconds after the bell. This match isn’t going to be close, Finn, and nothing you’re doing is going to change that.

Get a better coach.

Charlie is all smiles as he leans back in his tattered chair. Behind him, the escorts in the derelict house appear to be having one hell of a party.

I eat pieces of shit like Finn Kuhn for breakfast…but only by accident, when I grab the wrong bag out of the trash can in the dog park. But this match? There’s nothing accidental about it, I called Finn out by name. Why? Not to play mind games, I called him out because I knew he was complete mids, but he was just popular enough for me to crush his career and get some more clout.

Those are the kind of calculations I make, Finn Kuhn. Those are the moves that you need to actually be concerned about! Those are the kind of moves that will end your career, Finn Kuhn: the Devil Hook Drops are just desserts!

The Nickleman slaps his own thigh in merry excitement as he continues on.

Finn Kun is my stepping stone to Peter Vaughn, there’s no ifs ands or buts about it: it’s simply what’s going to happen. Tomorrow night I am going to come out and, once again, dominate the main event on Warfare. And next Warfare I heard they were looking for someone to fight Peter Vaughn….and that son of a bitch has owed me a title shot since January!

But he won’t give it to me….so I have to take it.

By knocking Finn Kuhn’s pride down a peg- and his paycheck, too!

Charlie cackles hysterically.

I’m going to expose Finn for the fraudulent huckster he is, and after I bleed him out like a stuffed fucking pig, there won’t be no one who can deny my claim to Peter Vaughn’s hide.

Nickles seem to relax and lean back in his chair as he thinks about skinning Peter Vaughn alive.

You know, this match isn’t really all that close….but Finn Kuhn did at least manage to ask me one interesting question in two weeks.

If there’s a conspiracy against me…..when will I think that management has paid me the proper respects?

The Nickleman leans forward and seems to ponder the question with seriousness for a moment, but it’s all an act, but he quickly starts grinning like a dog!

Well how about when they build a golden statue of me in front of the headquarters and start putting my name on a banner in the rafters at every show. When they nullify the entire hall of legends and just slot my many aliases in their place. When they rename the TV belt the ‘Charlie Nickles Championship’ and get rid of Monday Night Madness entirely- because I heard that’s my ex-wife’s favorite show, and I hate that bitch!

Charlie leans back once more in this clearly pre-recorded bit.

That’s the kind of pull that a star like me should have around here. No cap, no fluff, no bullshit.

Is it though?

I’m like the Lebron James of the XWF, and it’s about time I got my share of those GM powers. When you sell merchandise and win matches like me, every executive in this company should be throwing money at me and jumping when I say jump just to keep their top star happy. Theo Pryce’s #1 priority should be keeping my belly full and my cock sucked- even if he has to feed me his holy Trilogy and gargle my balls himself. I mean, what did Lebron do to Cleveland when he didn’t get what he wanted?

He took his talents to south beach.

Charlie smiles and gives a knowing wink to the camera.

I’m the hottest star in this industry, and Finn’s not a star in any industry. I’ve damn near turned myself into a money-making machine for any promoter worth his salt that knows how to use me right. Just think for one second Finn, just think! I can become the #1 trending topic on Twitter anytime I damn well please…and I don’t even have an account! You put me on a card and I can draw eyes to it like a god-damned Picasso painter, and that’s just a fucking fact. You get Finn Kuhn to headline your card and the only thing you’re drawing is fucking goose eggs on your Nielsen rating! You get Finn Kuhn to headline your card and the only thing you’re drawing is the shortest end of the fucking stick.


I’m not trying to get back to the top, I AM the fucking TOP! I’m the peak of the mountain in the XWF, and if Finn Kuhn wants to get on the road to glory?

HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME!

The Nickleman scowls into the camera as the scene fades to black.






We fade into a shot of shoeless Charlie Nickles appearing just as we last saw him, with a pink iphone pressed against his mangled ear and all. Only now, The Nickleman is standing at the edge of a seemingly abandoned alley. In the dark of this night the only light Charlie can see is the flickering streetlight at the edge of the screen.

Are you sure I’m at the right place, Connie? I came where you told me and it’s just a dark alley…are you going to surprise me with some kinky sex or sumthn?

The Nickleman cocks his head to the side and contorts his face crudely before pulling the iphone away from his mangled earhole.

I’ve been having a hard time hearing you in this ear Connie, let me go ahead and put you on speaker.

Yeah yeah yeah, I’ll start walking in. You sure this the right place though?

The Nickleman pulls the pink phone away from his ear as he starts walking into this dark alley in the middle of nowhere. He turns the audio to ‘speaker phone’, allowing everyone that’s listening to hear both sides of this ‘conversation’.

Didn’t you say you left something for me here, baby? I’m not seeing anything. Literally nothing. This is like, literally an empty alley Connie….what the hell’s going on here?

All we can hear from the other end of the line is a woman shrieking in pain. Charlie doesn’t seem perturbed by it.

Yeah, I get that, but what exactly am I looking for?

Charlie places one hand on his hip like an annoyed soccer mom. He rolls his eyes and sighs to himself as the camera zooms in on his phone, showing that the caller ID still reads ‘Connie’s Cell’. A woman can still be heard shrieking on the other end of the line. Has this been happening the entire phone call?

Don’t tell me you had me bail on an Oscar-quality film just to go on a wild goose chase! I thought we was gonna be fucking, trick!

Apparently not, because the cellphone begins playing a Beatles song in reverse. You recognize this sound as a Beatles song in reverse because you’re a sicko freak, just like The Nickleman, except he doesn’t seem to react to the new noise at all- he just carries on with his seemingly one-sided conversation.

I know looks can be deceiving, but Connie, what the fuck am I supposed to be looking at? You saying you left a picture here for me? It better be a fucking nude.

It’s on the wall? Okay, let me pull up the flashlight app then…and baby, I’m really hoping I see a photo of a pussy!

Charlie taps on the phone and starts up the flashlight, shining it brightly at the wall next to him.

Oh Jesus, not that kind of pussy! What the fuck is going on, Connie?!

The Nickleman turns away in disgust as the beam from his light shines upon a poster of Peter Vaughn with the SuperContinental championship belt hanging around his arm. The man on the poster has an unearned smile on his face, and you might swear he just winked at you…but Charlie didn’t see it, because he was already turned away in disgust!

But eventually, he swallows that disgust like a paper champion swallows his pride every Wednesday night. The Nickleman turns back towards the poster and shakes his head from side to side before he places a longing hand on the image of the SuperCon championship.

You’ve had work done, haven’t you? And you were scared to tell me, because you didn’t know how I’d react….you must have seen how much I liked my Goldi…

The Beatles song continues to play in reverse as a solemn tear slips out from the corner of Charlie’s eye.

Oh of course I still love you, how could I not? I told you I was never going to give you up….so that means I could never let you down. [i]Of course I’ll free you from that cell he’s put you in!

I’m only one step away from you now…

The Nickleman kisses the belt on the poster before pulling back and scowling at the image of Peter Vaughn. Just as Charlie Nickles starts walking off the fading screen, we hear a fitting new sound coming from the other end of the line.