December 23rd, 2021 Waconda Brooks, Salem, Portland

Another seedy motel room to get the ball rolling. Not the least bit surprising. The cold winds of the night can’t be broken, even by all the warm Christmas homes all ‘round. Marf tosses and turns on the lopsided bed, chasing some form of sleep as per usual. More than likely he is trapped in another feverish dream. The closer we get to him you can almost hear the silent whisper of the Imperial March coming from an unknown source. Marf is covered in sweat as he flips over once again. He mutters something in his dazed, sleep state.

…don’t…wanna…do…a fuckin’ Star Wars…

And in our typically unexplainable way we now dive into that demented chaos known otherwise as the mind of Marf and make our journey directly into the dream. At first the only visible sight is sand. Miles upon miles of sand. The fierce winds of the heartless desert whip up sand storms left and right that disappears as soon as they start. The vast sea of sand and dunes covering the desert planet of Tatooine seems endless until finally a low hovering ship can be seen in the distance. The winds finally stop for a moment and a gentle hum can be heard drawing closer.

A lumpy spot in the sand suddenly begins to shift and move. A head emerges, clumps of sand falling all over now. Not just any head though, the head of Marf pokes up from the tanned sand. Slowly he begins to pull himself out of his shallow, sandy grave. Marf looks towards the direction of the humming noise and spots the ship making it’s way for him. The low flying ship passes by several massive craters and holes. Amazingly, some of them are actually wider than even Jenny Myst’s vagina. I know, shocking!

Marf can tell the ship is making a beeline for him so he doesn’t bother trying to stay low or hide. He stands straight up as the winds pick up once more, blowing his messy hair and disheveled robe around madly. Marf, knowing his sudden movements in the sand could attract more unwanted attention, stands still while the ship approaches him. It stops and hovers a few feet from Marf while several soldiers stand at the edge, glaring down at Marf. For some reason, all the guards have an arm on one another.

Well? What the fuck do you idiots want?

Many of the guards stir uneasily but don’t answer Marf. A man dressed in all black makes his way to the edge of the ship now and looks down at Marf. It is clearly Damien but he appears to be calling himself Count Damienooku. He holds an impressive looking gun and points it at Marf while yelling commands at the other troops.

What are you waiting for!? Go retrieve the traitor!

Marf remains still as the troops begin to scramble on the ship. One of them lowers a chain link ladder from the side of the ship and starts to climb down.

I wouldn’t do that if I were you…

Silence terrorist! You must answer for your crimes against the federation!

Marf shakes his head but otherwise remains as still as a statue while three of the troopers descend the ladder and hop onto the hot sand. They are unable to take more than a few steps when the ground begins to shake and rumble beneath their feet. The troops try to run at Marf but the ground begins to suddenly open up like some type of sink hole. As soon as the hole begins to open up Marf turns, runs and dives away from it. The hole opens wide now as the troops scream out in horror. A huge Sarlacc creature emerges and immediately engulfs one of the troopers while the other two hang onto the edge of the hole for dear life.

The Sarlacc’s disgusting tentacles slither up from the pit and reach for the other two troopers. Marf carefully attempts to crawl further away from the hole but now the troopers still aboard the ship start firing at the Salacc. This causes more rumbling as the pit begins widening. The other two troopers fall to their doom while Marf embraces that he is next. Marf looks back and sees the Sarlacc actually holding one of the troopers in it’s tentacle. The monster squeezes the poor trooper until his head pops off and his insides gush out like someone squeezing a tube of toothpaste.

Jesus fuckin’ Christ!

No such thing you fool! Quickly, take him out men!

The rest of the troopers turn their attention to Marf except for one. She turns and looks at Count Damienooku with disgust.

You do realize some of us are females right!?

Oh shut up and save it for Human Resources, Karen!

Marf stops and looks at his options, realizing quickly that there are none. He closes his eyes and nods while the troops take aim and the Sarlacc extends a tentacle towards him. Marf sighs and raises his arms while accepting his fate. At the last possible second though a modified X-wing Starfighter comes flying by and scoops Marf out of harm’s way with a net. Marf quickly climbs into the speedy air vehicle and takes a seat behind whoever his saviour is. He pats them on the back while sighing in relief.

Thanks…you saved my ass back there buddy!

The pilot turns around for a moment and slowly removes their helmet. A mess of blue hair drops down as she smiles a winks at the now stunned Marf.

Don’t mention it…buddy!

Princess Leiacana turns back to the front to see what she’s doing while Marf scratches his head in bewilderment. Leiacana steers the star fighter around so that they are headed directly for the big ship with Count Damienooku. Marf is finally settled into his seat but just stares ahead in disbelief. Princess Leiacana brings the star fighter up a bit as they draw closer to the bigger ship. She swings an arm behind her and smacks the stunned Marf.

Are you ready!?

Marf grabs the holster in front of him and presses a blinking, large green button. His seat lowers and a huge gun turret appears on each side of the seat. Marf takes aim and then begins firing, spraying shots at the big ship and all the running troopers. They scramble like ants while getting shot or falling off the sides and into the desert and awaiting Sarlaccs. Princess Leiacana pulls up at the last second and they land perfectly onto the much larger craft. Count Damienooku can only look on in horror as the rest of the troops are squashed.

Marf hops out of the star fighter while Leiacana powers it down. Count Damienooku attempts to use his powers to throw Marf from the ship but it has no effect whatsoever. Marf stops and looks at him like he’s dumb as fuck for even trying that gay ass Star Wars’ shit. Count Damienooku’s shoulders slump and he drops to his knees while Princess Leiacana exits the star fighter and stands beside Marf with a triumphant grin.

Damn you both! You’ve killed all my men!

Suddenly, crawling out of some debris is a trooper.

B-but sir…some of us…are women…

Count Damienooku snaps a glare of anger at the trooper and her head contorts until her neck breaks loudly. She slumps to the ground while Princess Leiacana slowly approaches Count Damienooku. She grabs her lightsaber and it hums to life. The bright blue glow illuminates her face and blue hair. She plunges the weapon into Count Damienooku’s chest as he screams out. Princess Leiacana pulls the lightsaber out of Count Damienooku’s chest and he slumps to the ground, gasping his last breathes. From the only part of the giant ship that isn’t on fire, a massive blob of filth emerges and shouts to them.

Noooo! What have you done!? He’s deceived youuuuu! Deceeeeeeeived youuuuuuu…!

Marf lunges from out of nowhere and plunges his own lightsaber deep into the massive mound that was Jimmy the Hutt. His disgusting tongue flips out of his mouth and flails wildly as the disgusting creature begins to choke on it’s own blood. It’s big yellow eyes look around before slowly rolling up and back into it’s head. The nasty thing dies right there as Princess Leiacana slowly walks over to join Marf, standing over the felled beast.

I wonder what he meant by that? Who deceived me?

Marf takes hold of his lightsaber and begins to remove it from the large, dead sack of shit. Princess Leiacana slowly looks down in shock as her face begins to light up with the deep red glow from Marf’s lightsaber.

…I did…

Princess Leiacana barely has time to even gasp. Marf whirls around in the blink of an eye and plunges his menacing red lightsaber through Princess Leiacana. Blood is already leaking from the corner of her mouth as she looks into Marf’s eyes with terror and confusion. Her blue hair withers away and falls off, revealing a shorter, jet black hair cut. The colour in her eyes swirls with hazel, blue, green and white before melting into a puke yellow with a pin drop black pupil. She smirks at Marf while he can only grimace.

Well look at you! Figuring shit out for a change!

I have been tracking you for a while…another fuckin’ djinn. Guess you things don’t learn? I’m not one to fuck with!

Marf pulls up on his lightsaber to attempt slicing the djinn in half but the weapon disappears. She laughs at Marf before grabbing him by the throat and raising him a foot off the ground.

[purple]It doesn’t matter now, you don’t have the power. Not anymore, not on your own. And for the record, I’m not just some other fuckin’ djinn as you so delicately put it. I’m the djinn. And it’s only a matter of time now, Marf…pleasant dreams! [/color]

…What the fuck does that mean!?

The powerful djinn laughs in response to Marf before tossing him over the side of the ship. Marf falls right into the waiting mouth of a behemoth Sarlacc. Marf screams out in horror as the massive beast swallows him whole and everything goes black. Marf jolts awake in his lopsided bed, sweat and sand all over him. He has a coughing fit and leans over, spitting up blood. Marf wipes it away from his mouth and nods slowly. Marf pulls himself up with a subtle smirk.

Gonna take a lot more than that to put me down, motherfucker…

Marf basically growls this out loud to nobody but himself. He heads to the bathroom to clean himself up as we fade to black.

Promo times

Marf slowly steps into the frame and he looks less than impressed. He stares right into the camera with maddening eyes, annoyances scribbled all over his face. He gives his head a shake before getting this damn ball a rolling.

So here we go again. Round two with my new, borderline mentally disabled pal, Mac Bane. He showed up last Warfare looking to get one up on me, and guess what? He fuckin’ failed at it. He ran his mouth but managed to do nothing other than lay a gigantic fart. Only reason Mac daddy is even relevant is due to his attachment to Flancrest enterprises. I mean Chris Page incorporated or whatever the fuck. Who cares. Except it’s that attachment that keeps Baney afloat. It’s what got him a damn rematch against yours truly. I suppose you could say he’s become the bane of my existence.

A cricket shows up and makes some perfectly timed chirps right before Marf stomps on it. The son of a bitch doesn’t even wipe his foot afterwards.

Anyway, back to mister MacShitty, worst item on the McDonald’s menu. You mixed bag of shit and autumn regrets. So what exactly is your game plan heading into the match this time? To cry about how I cheated to win last time? Or will your papa bitch Page be doing that for you too seeing as how he does everything else for your useless ass. Little tip for ya though, the record books won’t have that part. The record books will just show Marf won and Bitch Bane lost. Despite all your whining and regardless of Page attempting to abuse whatever power he seems to think he has, it all adds up to you fuckin’ lost. And I fuckin’ won, much like I’ll be doing again.

You assholes don’t like how I got the job done? Eat a dick, if your serious about competing in XWF then you damn well better be prepared to win by any means necessary. Speaking of cock munching, ole Page should have explained this shit long ago to you, Baney. He of all people should know damn well you gotta be ready to think outside the fuckin’ box if you’re going to have any chance of succeeding here. But at least he was able to make some lame ass threats on your behalf or some shit. He truly does all the work for you eh? Does he bust out his special tweezers to hold your micro penis whenever you gotta piss too?

Marf lowers his head while chuckling to himself for a moment. The vision definitely pops into his head and he starts trying to shake it out of there while making a disgusted face.

Anyway, what was it Chrissy Page was attempting to threaten me with exactly? Through the sound of gargled cum I think I heard him say I pissed his bitch boy Mac Bane off? Oh boo fuckin’ hoo! I should just sign off and walk away right now shouldn’t I? Some below average brawler with the brain the same, microscopic size as Page’s own cock is mad at me, time to call it quits. I’ve been in that ring with the likes of Thad Duke to Bobby Bourbon. Elite warriors like Charlie Nickles, Robert Main, Thunder Knuckles and Doc. Legends such as Ned Kaye and Alias. But this lumbering dipshit is going to be what sends me packing? Get the fuck outta here! I’m not going anywhere, do your fuckin’ worst.

Marf mocks the camera while beckoning for anyone to bring it on.

In fact, I’m glad you’re pissed off at me, Mac Bane. Maybe that means you’ll actually hold nothing back in the rematch. Maybe just maybe I won’t have to just play with you like a cat with a mouse it is about to slaughter. No, this time there won’t be a quick finish. This time you don’t get to escape so easily. Oh what? Sorry, did you think I was the one escaping your dumb ass? I had and continue to have bigger fish to fry, I was letting you off easy. A loss that wouldn’t completely derail your barely existent career here.

But now I’m willing to set aside my own time to help you learn some things. You might not wanna believe it Mac, but what I do to you is going to hurt a lot worse than those times your daddy tried teachin’ you English. Before he left for the next trailer park I’m sure. Or meth lab. Guess what? I don’t fuckin’ care! All that is about to matter is how I’m going to completely change your relationship with pain. All those muscles, all that height, none of it will save you from the suffering headed your way. Oh, and the icing on the violent cake masterpiece I’ve created?

Marf reaches over and pulls the camera in like it’s some kind of secret when we all know it isn’t.

The absolute best fuckin’ part?? Baney’s butt buddy Chris Page made this match no disqualification. As if that’s supposed to strike fear into my blackened heart. As if that gives his fuckboy Mac some kind of advantage. Over me, ya know, a former Xtreme champion. The guy who’s home away from home over the last year has been the 24/7 hallways. Yeah, what a great strategy with that stipulation choice. On fuckin’ point, Chris. Jeez, here I am giving Mac shit for being nearly brain dead but look at his damn mentor!

Marf has to stop and have a laugh about this. Like a real belly laugh not just a snort or chuckle.

The supposed acorn certainly doesn’t fall far from the tree when it comes to Mac Daddy though. I’m sure his entire life is full of stupid little examples like eating sauced hot wings and then rubbing an itch in his eye. Or losing several bank cards in the same week. But really we don’t have to go any further than the last meeting between us. You know, the one where Mac Bane gloated about watching me fail and then proceeded to fuckin’ fail. Great second match pal, a flat loss you giant fuckopotamus.

Careful what you say, Mac. You asked me to knock you off that high horse of yours. Well it wasn’t all that high so I boot fucked you to the ground. How do you like me now…bro? You threatened to fuck me up, to leave me crying and yet it was me that walked away with the victory in a match that didn’t even pass fifteen minutes. You’re a big guy and an even bigger talker. But the problem Baney is that you have done nothing to back it up. Not with me anyway. And a no disqualification match, much to your chagrin, is not the way to help you.

Marf gets nice and uncomfortably close to the camera one last time.

There is no help now, Baney. No, now is just a simple promise from me. When that bell rings at Warfare, I will begin to tear the flesh off of you one piece at a time. Nobody will be there to help you. Nobody will be there to hold me back or stop me. And I won’t stop until that bell rings a second time. What’s left of Mac Bane will be spread about the ring while I stand over it all with my arm raised. Again. Better bring your A plus game motherfucker, or I’m going to completely rip you apart.

Marf finally backs off the camera. But not before winking and blowing a kiss. We fade out as thousands of children prepare for an evening of nightmares…