It was a clear night sky around one am with a low temperature in the mid-50s. A gust of wind traveling about twenty-two mph blows as the cameraman is walking up to the Peppermint Hippo's front door, in Las Vegas Nevada. Once inside the camera catches the long hallway that stretches up to a bar where we see the new XWF Xtreme Champion, Thunder Knuckles. TK notices the cameraman as he turns on his stool and looks over at the stage. TK's face doesn't show happiness, rather the opposite. He's not keen on having this new attention and invasion of privacy.

I thought you guys were fucking bad when all I had to do was show up.

TK takes a drink of his beer ignoring the cameraman but he knows that won't last long because Jimmy is at the club with him. The camera keeps its lens on TK waiting for him to say something. That's when Jimmy walks up and sits beside TK.

Oh, hey, guys!

Jimmy waves like the nerd he is.

See! I told you, Thunder Knuckles, the Xtreme Championship is the second-most sought-after title! The camera crew is already here to film your next promo.

I can fucking see that Jimmy. I just got slapped in the face with a pig's erect dick. Just let me watch the whores take off their clothes. It's been a rough day.

TK reluctantly looks over at Jimmy. He doesn't feel like this conversation is even worth having.

So, what's the big plan? You always have a plan.

TK sighs because he knows Jimmy isn't going to drop it.

I'm fighting Chris Chaos I can literally shit in a bag and it will be more entertaining than anything he'll do.

Wait-

TK cuts Jimmy off, making the poor man unable to correct TK.

I don't know film the bitch taking off their clothes. XWF fans love tits and ass, need proof?

TK begins rattling off names.

Roxy Cotton, Jenny Myst, fucking Atara Themis-

Jimmy can't take TK being this wrong and jumps in.

You're not fighting Chis Chaos.

Bullshit, the fucker called me out. He said something about being Han Solo or some shit.

That's because it's Star Wars themed.

See! I knew you'd fucking remember.

No, no, no, I meant that's why Kris Cruze wanted to be Han Solo.

Who?

Kris Cruze, he's your next opponent on Warfare.

So that wasn't Chris Chaos?

No.

Who the fuck is Kris Cruze then?

Jimmy doesn't have an answer that he knows TK would accept.

He's a guy-

Perfect! You're really on top of it Jimmy shut the fuck up and let me watch the bitches take off their goddamn clothes, like a asked. Shit!

You didn't let me finish.

TK really doesn't care what Jimmy has to say. However, TK knows the only way Jimmy will stop is if he gets it all out.

He showed up after several years and started calling everyone trash cans.

Oh, yeah? Is he some kind of legend or something?

Not exactly.

TK turns his attention over to Jimmy.

He's just some fucking asshat who worked in XWF, who is not a returning legend, who called people trash cans?

TK scoffs and turns his attention back to the naked ladies.

Who'd he beat?

Gabe Reno.

Who gives a fuck? That guy was dog shit and would have been beaten by anyone in my era of XWF. Seriously, that guy was a goddamn dumpster fire. Who else did he beat?

Well...

TK without taking his eyes off the stage sounds perturbed.

Well, what?

He fought Calypso for the Featherweight Championship...

Oh, yeah? Wow. Now that's a fucking achievement. Calypso was a Hell of a Federweight Champion! Why didn't you lead with that? I can really sink my goddamn teeth into that.

Yeah, it was on a house show and... He came up short.

So... He didn't win.

Nope. He did just have a match with HGH though.

Who's that?

Come on, you know HGH he was brought in by Miss Fury.

TK shrugs taking a drink of his beer, eyes never leaving the girls on stage. Suddenly he recalls who Jimmy is talking about.

Do you mean P.T.T.?

Huh?

You know, the guy who wishes he was 'Ol Thunder Knuckles, does the whole I'm rich shtick but doesn't have the cash flow to back it. Come on, Jimmy, Poe Tay Toe.

Jimmy chuckles at the similarity of HGH being a potato.

Obviously, Kris Cruze beat the shit out of Poe Tay Toe. The guys coming into Warfare with a win. Good for him.

No. He lost.

TK looks back at Jimmy now completely annoyed.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah, he lost to HGH on Savage.

This guy has some pretty big balls thinking he's going to walk into a title match with such a goddamn lackluster fucking resume.

You know, you kinda did just accept his challenge, all willy-nilly.

I thought it was fucking Chris Chaos!

TK turns back around on his stool, slamming his beer down, he motions for another.

I'm going fuck this nobody up.

That's the spirit, Thunder Knuckles! What are you going to do?

TK pulls out his phone, dials up Ozzy, and waits for an answer.

Ozzy! It's your boy.

TK listens to Ozzy for a moment but you can tell he's cutting off Oswald.

I need a portal.

Nothing is said for a few seconds.

You know, like at fucking War Games. I need to go talk to the most Xtreme guy whos ever been in XWF.

You can clearly hear Ozzy over the club's music.

NO!

Oh, come on, if I'm going to fuck Kris Cruze up he's the only man who can help. He'll give me tips that not even the Daddy of Violence Barney Green can give me. All you have to do is open a fucking portal and leave it up long enough for me to grab him and bring him here.

Ozzy is saying something to TK but it's too light to make out with the club's music blaring.

I know he's chained to a fucking palm tree, Oz. I've been planning this moment for a long time, just trust me, damn it!

Ozzy is again saying something. You can tell by TK's reaction it's good news.

Yes, I know the kind of shit this is going to fucking stir and no I don't give a damn. What's the worst that can happen?

A portal opens up beside TK.

Thanks, Ozzy, I won't forget this brother.

Thunder Knuckles, where is that portal going?

TK turns on his stool as he grabs his beer.

Oh, you know where this is going.

TK flashes a wicked grin.

This isn't a good idea, like, this is a really bad idea.

TK smacks Jimmy across his face, the bouncers see this and start walking toward TK and Jimmy.

Look! You're the one who's always fucking saying I need to learn more and NO ONE is more Xtreme than him!

Jimmy holding his face where TK's palm print is embedded. TK sees the bouncers coming.

Ah, fuck! See what you made me do! No turning back now.

TK gives Jimmy the middle fingers as he backs into the portal. The camera crew follows him because that's what they're paid to do. Suddenly the scene is of a desert island, not one you haven't seen before, TK is puking because he walked through the portal.

BLARB, fuck! BUUURUB! I forgot about that! SHIT!

After TK regains control of his body, finishes his beer, wipes off his mouth, chucks the beer bottle into the ocean because fuck the planet, and walks up to a man whose head is down. You're unable to make out who it is at first.
















































Well, look what we have here! If it isn't the Xtreme God and Legend Peter FN Gilmour!

The man lifts his head and reveals it is indeed the Legend himself.

Oh, hey, TK, It's been a while.

It sure the Hell has been, Gilly. Now let's get you the fuck out of here.

Gilly pulls on his shackle.

Good luck with that. I've tried everything. They don't call this Banishment Island because you can just leave but I digress.

Gilly looks completely defeated. TK rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket.

Well, you haven't fucking tried this, have you?

TK shows Gilly the key to his shackle. Gilly's eyes light up.

How did you get that?

TK smirks.

You'd be surprised how much Vinnie isn't in his goddamn office.

Why do you want me out of here?

It will cost you, everything has a goddamn price, my dude. Wait a minute...

TK looks around the island.

Where the fuck is Demos? Isn't he banned?

Gilly laughs a sinister cackle.

No, TK, he's over there.

Gilly points to an adjacent island.

That's Never Wins Island.

TK shakes his head, understanding.

Fair enough.

Gilly turns all business from his sinister cackle to now.

What's the price?

Huh?

TK is still baffled that one day Demos could return.

I'm rich don't you know!

Oh, that, yeah, I know, Gilly, I know. Yachts, houses, cars, blah, blah, blah, I need something simple. Well, at least simple for you. I need to become an Xtreme God.

Deal! It shouldn't be too hard. I have to call my meteorologist as soon as we get back to make sure your promos really pop.

Don't worry, man, I'm already on it.

TK walks over to Gilly and unlocks his shackle.

Hail Satan! This feels so good.

Gilly stands up, stretches out, and takes four large steps because that's the farthest he's been able to walk in years.

Alright, let's go.

How are we leaving? You don't have Unknown Soldiers pirate ship this time.

TK points over to the portal.

No way.

You'd rather stay here?

TK points around Peter Gilmour, Gilly looks around and sees Mario and Luigi shackled to the same palm tree butt fucking each other at the same time. The Princess is shackled to another palm tree, far away from Mario and Luigi, flickering her bean, watching the brothers go at it. Gabe Reno is also shackled to a palm tree but he's busy eating sand. Gilly looks back at TK and shakes his head no.

Well, let's go fucking then.

Gilly and TK walk toward the portal Ozzy created for them. That's when suddenly the bouncers looking for TK come through the said portal.

Ah, fuck.

GIlly holds out his arm and places his hand on TK's chest. TK looks over at Gilly.

Here's lesson one.

Gilly looks over at the bouncers, who are confused as Hell about how they even ended up on the island.

HEY! YOU!

The two bouncers look at each other almost cartoonishly. The brave one looks over to Gilly and speaks up.

Us?

NO THE OTHER TWO MEATHEADS WHO SHOWED UP OUT OF NOWHERE. SUCK MY SUPER DICK, BITCHES.

Gilly charges the two men, grabbing one of them by the head, and delivering a Gilly Cutter. The other man tries to react to GIlly being on the ground but Gilly busts a sick break dancing move and kicks the man's feet from under neither himself. The man is now seated exactly how Gilly wants him. Gilly runs back about five feet and takes off towards the man delivering a huge pelvic thrust to the man's chin. The two men are out cold. Gilly looks back at TK.

SUCK MY-

-SUUUUUUUPER DICK!

TK motions to Gilly to tell him to come on.

Enough playing we have work to do.

The two men walk through the portal as the scene circles out to black.

to be continued... Make sure to stay tuned for a sneak peek at a brand new Bastard Net Production, coming soon.

🖕PREACH🖕

TK is outside of his Lima, Ohio ran down trailer. It's a nice day the sun is shining and the temperature is cool seventy degrees with the almost constant breeze it feels like sixty-eight. He's dressed in a green wrap-around tunic with the Starfleet insignia on it above his left breast and black pants. He doesn't look too happy with the fact his budget has been slashed because he didn't land a more important match.

I'm sorry for the mediocre background music, Bastard fans. I had to hire local talent because XWF cut my goddamn budget for having such a weak fucking opponent. Don't worry though, I saved the bulk of the budget for the next two.

TK winks into the camera with a sinister grin. Jimmy pulls back the plastic wrap TK uses for a front door.

Why are you dressed like Captain Kirk?

TK glares sharp daggers in Jimmy's eyes.

Because Warfare is Star Wars themed. Jesus Christ! Go back inside if I need something I'll yell for you, alright?

JImmy turns back around not correcting TK because he can tell he'd just be hit if he stayed.

Alright, where was I? Oh yeah, This mother fucker shows up and says the talent in XWF is trash.

TK rolls his eyes.

That's funny considering he can't get the job done against a guy most people call "Letters". They don't even know his goddamn name. Hell, even I forgot it until I was reminded of who he was. If you can't handle P.T.T.'s "violence" then you're in for a rude awaking come May 4th. We're entering a Duel of Hate. Where they're going to give me, 'Ol Thunder Knuckles, a "real" lightsaber. Let's see you pull out your dick then, yeah? I'll be serving cold cock sandwiches to the front row. Truly bite-sized, we'll get to that in a little bit though.

TK pulls a cigar and a lighter from his green wrap-around tunic.

At this point, many of you have guessed that Jimmy has already made me watch Kris Cruze's promo against P.T.T., In which case you'd be fucking correct. Kris Cruze has talent, no doubt, but since we're talking about jobs and how he doesn't seem to do them or at least correctly.

TK lights his cigar before continuing.

I saw he worked at a little pizza shop in some butt fuck town. How the "meh"-siah has fallen, right? This guy beat a former Universal Champion and had to move from his home in the shitty city of Pittsburgh to an even shittier town, not even a fucking city. How bad do you have to fuck up your life to do that? If I ever end up that broke, I swear to Christ! I'd blow my goddamn brains out.

Taking a few puffs from his cigar, TK pauses to really lets that one sit in.

XWF doesn't need another flaky talent who talks a big game and does nothing. For fucks sake, the Baphomet ruined all that for everyone, and he fucking tried! Mother fucker can't even hold down a fucking pizza job! What kind of goddamn welfare recipient can't hold down a fucking pizza job?

With a shit-eating grin, TK takes a few more puffs of his cigar.

Something I noticed right away about Cruze is he was eating pills like goddamn skittles, a straight Michael Graves rip-off. That's it, tiger! Graves is definitely the guy you want to be like.

TK gives his now-infamous jerking-off hand gesture.

What meds are you on, bud? Whatcha trying to keep down? I know it's not that CGI dick you sported in your promo against P.T.T., by the way, you might want to up your production value. I mean, if you want anyone to believe that fucker is bigger than what you got. You got tiny dick energy written all over you, son. Back to the pill addiction! Oh, come on, it's not like this is the first time someone approached the fucker about pills. Then again, I could be all wrong, right? Maybe Kris contracted fucking syphilis and he's just keeping that shit in check. Who gives a fuck? It's not like he'll be around in a week anyway. I do hope he gets that shit under control. I hear it eats at your mind after a while.

TK takes a long drag from his cigar. Blowing out the smoke from his nose.

Let me say this in a way even Kris Cruzes can keep up. In 2022 I can feel this business in my head, shoulders, knees, toes, in my mother fucking bones. Sure it has its highs and lows, Warfare will be a high for me, and everybody knows. You're going to end up crawling into your hole all alone. In 2019 I, Head, shoulders, knees, toes, made it out of my neighborhood and got into the pros. I came in on the bottom floor, hadn't even started simmering yet, I was just heating up the stove, now 2022 I'm climbing and still kicking in doors.

TK brushes the dirt off his shoulder, knocking the ash from his cigar. TK knows he has more swagger than the thrift store Michael Graves.

You're going to have to raise your goddamn game several fucking levels to diminish this Megastars light, fuck boy. I just don't think you got it in ya. So, no, I don't believe the hype about you, nothing you've done is anything new, and everything about the game you spit is untrue. Hell, If I were you I'd want to follow me too. Fuck with me you'll find out my shots don't miss, since I started in the business fucked around, and got rich. Now go back down to the bottom and actually work your way back up, bitch.

TK's cocky grin can only be described as asinine.

Hey, fuck boy, if you think I shot my load. I got stamina, do you?

TK flicks his cigar to the left causing it to go off-screen. His deminer is much more serious. He bows his head and all the Bastards around the globe know now it's time for a Bastardly prayer.

I pray that the desires of my heart lead me to dismantle and end the careers of my opponents. I pray that I am free of virtuous tendencies and habits that do not contribute to my hateful ways. I ask you to give me the strength needed to put away my enemies and their attempts at my Xtreme Championship. As I fucking pray, I affirm the viciousness of the Holy Bastards' Spirit within. I am strong and stable. I have become a master of my thoughts, feelings, and actions. I accept the heritage of BOB's domination over the roster. With your help, I live in privilege and in accord with my bloodthirsty goals. In the Bastards' name, I prey, yes, I said that right.

The camera zooms into TK lifting his head with a wicked smile.

A-fucking-men.

The scene fades to black as the wind blows softly moving the perfect mullet in the breeze and TK's wicked smile. As promised at the end of "Peppermint Hippo" a sneak peek at Bastard Net Productions' new film: "Star Wars"