The fourth round is set to begin, MANHATTAN BRIDGE. The field of play is cut in half again, however, it's not separated like the beach level. It's missing a fourth of the top and a fourth of the top of the screen. This is obviously supposed to trick your eyes into thinking it has a more narrow path. Good thing for TK that he broke the game from being too Xtreme and can control himself.

Great... More bullshit. I wish this game was fucking over. I just want to destroy Ned!

TK begins walking forward because it's the only way to trigger the next wave of look-a-like cops. As he presses on he comes across three barrels, two grey ones, one red.

Fuck yeah! I bet this one has another HEAD OF ALAIS in it!

TK walks toward the red barrel which triggers two light blue officers and a ladyboy officer. They surround him quickly. TK kicks the red barrel causing it to explode, much to the displeasure of TK.

Why the fuck is that even there!

Luckily, When TK exploded the red barrel it killed both light blue officers and left the ladyboy critically damaged. TK looks up at his health meter.

Now would be a good time for a CAN OF BEER.

TK starts to walk up to one of the grey barrels as the ladyboy charges in. TK realizes what's happening and Donkey Kicks the Ladyboy square in the man cunt as soon she/her gets close enough. This sends the ladyboy flying backward and lying as soon as she/her lands. This gives TK enough time to bust open the barrel to see an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE.

Oh, fuck you!

A wave of three officers in black slacks move in from the left in a V-formation. TK cracks the EMPTY BEER BOTTLE over the one in the middles head. As he is flung backward TK hits the other two with what remains in his hand. The weapon disappears but this doesn't deter TK. HE presses the action by walking up to the first downed man, waiting for him to get up, when he does TK delivers a combination, killing him. One of the black slack officers gets behind TK at this point and puts him in a Full Nelson.

Not this shit again! Come o-

TK doesn't get out all the words before the other living black slack officer begins delivering a combination of its own.

FUUUUUUC-

TK's life bar reaches zero. TK drops down from the sky on the left-hand side of the screen, this causes all the enemies to fall to the ground. TK looks up to see that he only has two lives left.

Great. At least I have full health.

The black-slacked officers are both back up to their feet. Unfortunately for them, one is lagging behind the other. TK walks up and grapples one and throws him into the other killing them both. TK heads toward the final grey barrel, and he kicks it upon getting within range. Underneath the grey barrel reveals... a CAN OF BEER.

Goddamn it!

TK picks up the CAN OF BEER out of habit. It's probably a good thing considering TK can't see what his score is. The infamous word "move" with an arrow flashes on the screen.

I fucking know, damn it.

Four undercover officers drop from the sky on the right side of the screen, as TK is fighting a new enemy that appears for the first time. It's New York's version of a CHiPs officer riding a motorcycle that stops on the left side of the screen and revs its engine. TK's handing the undercover officers their asses as the next to last one undercover officer falls The CHiPs officer takes off trying to hit TK with the bike. TK takes a step up effortlessly avoiding the motorcyclist's attack.

Try not revving your fucking engine next time, fuck-wits.

TK delivers a combination to the final undercover officer. The CHiPs officer must have been listening because he does exactly what TK had said, thus hitting TK, and moving off the left side of the screen. TK gets up and starts heading toward the next part but notices he's not advancing.

What the fuck?

The CHiPs officers now comes from the left side of the screen, moving at tremendous speed. TK heard it and moves down on the screen just barely avoiding the attack again. TK realizing what is happening moves to the center of the screen waiting for the CHiPs officer. Just like clockwork, the officer tries for another pass. TK jumps up with a flying knee knocking the officer off the bike sending his body flying to the right. The motorcycle slides to the left of the screen and explodes.

Eat my ass, Poncherello!

The "move" arrow appears on the screen and TK presses on. As TK has unveiled the next section you can see that two pieces of the bridge have been knocked out, exposing the water below. The holes make a narrow pathway in the center of the bridge to walk on.

Note to self... Don't fall off the goddamn bridge.

Two light blue officers holding BEER BOTTLES, a ladyboy officer, and three undercover officers all come at TK from the right side of the screen.

Oh, I got you fucker.

The light blue officers are running at full speed while the ladyboy is walking at a medium pace behind the. The three undercover officers are content standing at the edge of the screen waiting for TK. TK cracks one of the light blue officers as he gets too close. This causes the light blue officer to drop the EMPTY BEER BOTTLE. TK walks to the top of the bridge dodging the second light blue officer. The ladyboy officer isn't fooled and walks right up into TK's face. TK reacts to this by hitting the ladyboy officer with the EMPTY BEER BOTTLE, breaking the bottle, and sending she/her flying into the hole in the bridge.

Hope you can swim, dude.

The light blue officer without an EMPTY BEER BOTTLE tried to get a piece. TK was ready and stabs the light blue officer repeatedly with the broken beer bottle until he parishes. The last light blue officer charges in again and is met with a stunning combination, dropping the EMPTY BEER BOTTLE, and dying. TK looks over to the three undercover officers standing patiently at the other end of the screen.

Well, come on, pussies!

They don't move. TK cautiously approaches them. This triggers them to scatter like cockroaches as TK crosses the center of the screen between the two missing parts of the bridge. TK tries to grapple the closest one but is met with a punch from one of the other. TK starts to fight back throwing a combination to break them up. One walks away from the damage while the other two take the punishment. These two don't fall off the bridge but they were really close though. This gives TK the idea to set them up.

Follow men you dickless wonders!

TK moves down the screen positioning himself in just the right way to kill all three. The undercover officer that was smart enough to back off wasn't so fortunate this time as he tried to slip behind TK to the right. The two downed undercover officers are back to their feet on the left of TK. TK grapples the undercover to his right and throws him into the two on the left.

See ya in Hell!

TK moves to the right of the screen opening up more of the level. That's when you hear the rev of another motorcycle.

Goddamn it.

TK looks up at his health meter that read three-fourths left. While TK is looking up a CHiPs officer comes steamrolling in. from the right side of the screen while another pops out on the left stopping and revving his engine. The CHiPs officer that streamed in without stopping hits TK and doesn't stop to see if he's okay. As TK starts to stand the one that had stopped on the left hand of the screen takes off hitting TK yet again.

Cheating-ass fuck!

TK looks back up at his health meter. It reads one third with two lives.

Oh, screw this.

TK sees one of the CHiPs officers driving up to hit him again on the right and goes for a jumping knee strike, planting the CHiPs officer under the chin. TK immediately focuses his attention to the left on the other CHiPs officer. The CHiPs officer thinks he's got the upper hand on TK like last time but TK delivers the same critical blow to him.

Suck my dick!

TK starts walking to the right side of the screen before the game could tell him to do so. TK walks down the center of the bridge as two CHiPs officers drive past one on the top and one on the bottom of the walkway.

Not more of this shit. Come the fuck on.

TK waits to see if they're going to come back but they don't. TK presses on and sees two grey barrels and smashes them. One has an icon you haven't seen before, a STONE VAGINA.

What the fuck is this?

TK looks up to see if his health bar or life amount has changed, it hasn't. A wave of eight weak light blue police officers swarms in as TK goes for a BRIEFCASE FULL OF XBUX. Before collecting BRIEFCASE FULL OF XBUX he dispatches the police easily. TK finally picks up his reward. TK moves to the right as he's known to do in the STREET OF XTREME and the music changes to the epic boss battle music.

About fucking time!

TK sees two more grey barrels and between them out walks a small woman with brown stuff coming out of her boots.

Is that shit?

A text bubble pops up revealing her name: VITO VALENTEENO.

Ew, no, it's mud. I'm a vampire and can't travel on or above water. So, I put mud in my boots.

Classic over-explanation, shut your trap and fucking fight!

VITO VALENTEENO begins to circle in behind TK. TK ignores this and goes straight for the grey barrels needing health. TK is in luck and on his first try, he finds HALF OF A WHOLE TURKEY refilling his health completely. VITO VALENTEENO doesn't let TK get off a one-liner as she begins to attack. She hit TK with a quick combination before backing off. TK is knocked down and has to get to his feet. VITO VALENTEENO comes in for another combination attack but TK gets out of the way and walks toward the second barrel. VITO VALENTEENO backs off again playing it smart. TK kicks to the barrel to reveal a BASEBALL BAT.

Time to get MAIN'd, bitch!

TK and VITO VALENTEENO head towards each other, TK with bat ready, swings at VITO VALENTEENO missing, just barely. VITO VALENTEENO grapples TK and hits a devastating Swinging Neckbreaker. Before even getting back up to his feet TK looks up at his health meter.

Great, half health.

TK on his feet again tries to pick up the BASEBALL BAT, however, VITO VALENTEENO comes in for another assault. TK doesn't react in enough time and hit him with another combination. TK can't believe it. This little girl keeps getting the best of him. TK gets to his feet without even looking at his health bar. Frustrated TK tries walking straight up to VITO VALENTEENO, ignoring the BASEBALL BAT.

Alright, you little cu-

Before TK finishes his sentence VITO VALENTEENO pops him in the mouth before hitting TK with another Swinging Neckbreaker. This caused TK's health meter to reach zero. TK falls from the sky on the left hand of the screen.

Fuck you, VITO!

TK gives her the finger. Without knowing it TK activates a special move. The screen pans all the way back to the beginning of the level. When suddenly you hear glass breaking and music being played...





STONE CUNT! STONE CUNT! STONE CUNT IS HERE! Yes, Barney has indeed paid for the likeness of STONE CUNT to be in the game.

Gimme a HELL YEEEAH!

Fucking right!

Sixteen-bit STONE CUNT looks disappointed in TK for not saying HELL YEAH and selling his bit. STONE CUNT NOAH JACKSON walks right up to VITO VALENTEENO. VITO VALENTEENO, whose eyes are in the shape of broken hearts, drool hanging and bouncing up and down from her, overly animated for its time, gaped mouth. Stone Cunt grabs her hand with both of his.

Sorry, cunt.

STONE CUNT slides what appears to be an engagement ring off VITO VALENTEENO's finger. At that moment the clock in the top middle part of the screen stops ticking and SARAH LACKLIN's BOOMING voice comes from the sixteen-bit heavens.

FOCUS

VITO VALENTEENO doesn't heed the word from above as the timmer starts again.

Hey, wait...

He used a special.

STONE CUNT kicks VITO VALENTEENO in the midsection. STUNNER! STUNNER! STUNNER! Stone Cunt Noah Jackson just Stunnered VITO VALENTEENO off the bridge! STONE CUNT signals for beers as the screen fades to the round clear screen.





Barney is waiting outside the next stage and he's just the man TK wanted to see.

Why didn't you tell me STONE CUNT was in the game?

Come on, you wouldn't have fought so hard if knew about getting that special attack.

You're right. Won't even lie.

I would say you got pretty lucky taking out your TOUGHEST CHALLENGE YET!

I don't know what it is about that chick. She keeps getting the best of me.

You did exactly what you needed to do in an XTREME situation. Just don't dwell on it now because it's time to start the final round.

Oh yeah? Where am I headed to The Bronx Zoo to fight A LITERAL GORILLA, Hell Kitchen to fight UNKNOWN SOLDIER, no, wait, how about Parts Unknown New York to fight A GUY GOING BY ANOTHER NAME?

Nope. None of the above... You're going straight to the heart of the matter "West New York Police Headquarters".

God, I fucking hate the cops.

I know. Time to make them all pay.

Fucking right, Barn! Let's get this shit going.





The screen fades from Barney and TK. The words "round" slide in from the left side of the screen and the number 5 comes in from the right meeting in the middle, as they have been doing each time around has started. TK walks into the frame and keeps going to his right. A massive wave of light blue officers attack. Needless to say, they don't stand a chance. TK begins picking them apart, one by one, some dropping EMPTY BEER BOTTLES that TK uses to kill off others. Some just trying their best to survive. When the final one is on the screen he starts to make a break for it, he doesn't want anything to do with fighting TK. TK picks up the last EMPTY BEER BOTTLE and throws it at the back of the light blue officer's skull, it sticks in the back of his head, and he falls to the ground meeting his death. TK doesn't take a step and his sprite looks like he's thinking, kind of like Sonic when he doesn't move, but cooler because he's TK.

This is getting fucking old. They don't even challenge me anymore, That was what? Fifteen of them. I hope the last level isn't that fucking easy, shit.

TK presses on and sees a couple of filing cabinets. As soon as he walks up to the first one a wave of ladyboy cops along with three black slack officers come out from all directions.

Much better.

TK kicks the first filing cabinet, under it is a LEAD PIPE. TK picks it up and starts to go to work. Ladyboy after ladyboy tries their luck but to no avail. The three black-slacked cops shouldn't have even shown up because they were as useless as Ned Kaye in an XTREME rules match against TK. TK walks over and takes out the second filing cabinet where a BRIEFCASE FULL OF XBUX is uncovered. Once TK picks up the BRIEFCASE FULL OF XBUX a sound effect that everyone knows as a 1-UP can be heard. Upon hearing the sound effect, TK looks up to see that he again has two lives, and hasn't lost much health this round.

HA! Eat shit!

TK gets back to the task at hand and begins to whip ass, for the sake of whipping ass. The number of ladyboys falling to the ground and dying would be a hate crime anywhere else in the world, but not in STREET OF XTREME, because it's XTREME! With the last ladyboy officer dead, TK heads to the right of the screen where he sees one filing cabinet and an elevator. TK kicks the filing cabinet as soon as he is close enough. Under said filling cabinet is a BASEBALL BAT, TK picks it up and heads for the elevator.

And just like that 'Ol Thunder Knuckles is moving on up!

Once inside the elevator, TK presses the button for the top floor. As TK makes his way up you notice that there are no sides to the elevator, it's more or less a platform rather than a traditional elevator. This makes no difference to TK. No, he's too busy beating the Holy Hell out of the officers that are randomly falling onto the platform. Though suffering a fair amount of damage he doesn't think the situation is unmanageable, that is until he sees a new enemy that he hasn't encountered before. The new enemy is an obese officer of likely American descent. He is wearing an ill-fitting uniform, a jacket too small, pants too big that need suspenders, and has on a cap that is just a size too small for his head. He is also holding a box of "Blazing Hot" doughnuts.

That's a big fuckers. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I ain't fucking body-shaming nobody, except thots on Twitter, fuck them hoes. Put on a fucking shirt, cunts.

The obese officer laughs.

You think that's funny wait to you finally get to see your dick.

The obese officer charges toward TK, TK grapple and tries to throw the larger man. He hoists up the obese officer but the weight is too much and he crashes down on TK.

Well, shit, that's not going to work.

TK says as he's checking his health meter, he still has two-thirds. Not bad this deep in.

The obese officer had walked to the top right corner of the platform, laughing at TK. TK, who's back to his feet, starts to walk up to the large man. The obese officer charges in again but his acid reflux must be going off because he's spitting fire.

Oh shit, I'm getting ready for Ned Kaye, not a dude who can spit fire!

TK narrowly avoids the danger. TK begins to pummel the obese officer with a combination, fortunately for TK, his final punch sends the obese officer flying off the side. TK gives a sigh of relief as he looks up to see that's at half health.

Goddamn, how much more is there?

A ridiculous amount of weak enemies fly onto the platform from seemingly nowhere.

Oh, fuck you!

TK fights hard, he's taking some damage, but very little compared to how many sprites are on screen. TK's combinations are becoming lighting quick. Making very few mistakes and picking up any, and all, weapons the enemy sprites may drop. Finally, the platform stops in front of a closed elevator door. The sound effect of a ding goes off and the elevator doors open. The scene fades gently to a very long hallway. TK's sixteen-bit face turns blood red.

FUUUUUUUCK! All I want to do is beat the shit out of Ned!

TK starts two walks to his right when two light blue officers guard three filing cabinets. TK embarrasses the two light blue officers and sends their souls to Hell. Afterward, TK kicks all three filing cabinets, under them is a HALF OF A WHOLE TURKEY, A BRIEFCASE FULL OF XBUX, and A LEAD PIPE. One by one TK picks up the ideas, he looks up to see his health meter back to full.

That's what I like to fucking see.

Suddenly the music changes to the third round epic boss battle music. XAVIER FAUX walking backward onto the screen from the right.

Yeah... But... I'm the third major fight, not the first... I shouldn't be out here now. What do you mean he's sleeping and you can't find REGGIE ESTANBULL. This is bull-

TK wastes no time attacking XAVIER FAUX with the LEAD PIPE. XAVIER FAUX tries to counter with a Clothesline, but TK is keen to his tactic and begins throwing combinations at the man. Much to TK's chagrin XAVIER FAUX doesn't stand a chance post level two. Tk moves forward not having taken any health. It doesn't take long before seeing a familiar text bubble with the name REGGIE ESTANBULL pop up on the screen.

Yo, you said my last mixtape sucked but I'ma hit you with another.

Nah, I'll fucking pass.

The first thing TK does is grapple poor REGGIE ESTANBULL flips over his head and German Suplexes him. TK cheeses this move until REGGIE ESTANBULL is dead. TK is seemingly running through bosses that weren't nearly as easy as before. TK keeps moving to his right for some reason the lights begin to flash and a disco ball lower from the ceiling.

Get the fuck out of here!

A text bubble pops up on the screen revealing the name: DISCO FLAMER.

I overslept.

Looking to catch TK off guard with his flakiness the DISCO FLAMER goes for the only thing he's good at, the penis wack attack. TK is ready this time, holds out his hand, and catches the "meh"-siah with his bare hand. TK lifts the DISCO FLAMER in the air by his member swinging left and right banging the sad sap off the ground like The Incredible Hulk.

Next time stay the fuck asleep.

The lights quit flashing and the disco ball disappears as quit as the Disco Flamer's shelf life.TK moves on, luckily there are two filing cabinets ahead. Oh, no! It's a trap because the fourth and possibly TK's BIGGEST CHALLENGE YET appears. A text bubble pops up revealing her name once again: VITO VALENTEENO.

Did you think you could get rid of me that easily, TK?

How the fuck did you even live through that! You're a fucking vampire! Water, travel across, blah, blah-blah.

I had help from the LEMON OOZE SUPERHERO.

Of fucking course you did.

VITO VALENTEENO starts off just as shit did the first time kicking TK's ass left and right but this time TK was able to get to the HALF OF A WHOLE TURKEY under one of the filing cabinets and was actually able to crack her with the BASEBALL BAT that was conveniently under the second filing cabinet. Though she put some more damage on TK, he ends up winning the battle. TK looks up at his health bar. He has two lives and only has a sliver of health left on his second life, thanks VITO VALENTEENO.

GODAMN, I HATE THAT CUNT!

TK moves on and sees a pair of big double doors that are cracked open.

That's got to be the end! Thank fucking Christ

TK enters the double doors sitting in a big chair, it's big but couldn't possibly be called a throne, sits a man of Asian descent. The man snaps his fingers and a wave of light blue officers come charging in from all directions. TK notices on the other side of the room are three filing cabinets, but knows he can beat these enemies with ease. He does exactly that. The man sitting down again snaps his fingers this time it's two obese officers TK encountered before and got lucky.

Good play, fuck stick.

Though TK struggles with these two very overweight officers he manages to kill them without taking any damage. Suddenly and without any more hesitation, the man sitting down stands up and plays an air guitar like Them No Good Bastards in their promos leading up to Relentless.

Good for you.

A text bubble appears revealing the man's name: KOMAINU.

The city's road to redemption travels through me.

Holy fuck! You're becoming a tired line. Fight me pussy.

KOMAINU is very smart and doesn't rush into the cautious TK. TK eyes the filing cabinets that he now desperately needs. TK tries to go for it but KOMAINU shoots a LIGHTING BOLT at TK. TK dodges and gets back on task to get the health he needs. KOMAINU rushes in but TK goes to the top right portion of the screen. KOMAINU gives chase, which backs TK all the way to the lower left-hand part of the screen.

Fuck you, dude.

KOMAINU tries another lighting bolt, and TK sidesteps it. KOMAINU rushes back in, this is TK shot. TK takes off running as fast as his sixteen-bit legs can go and makes it to all three filing cabinets breaking them all revealing these ideas, HALF OF A WHOLE TURKEY, a BASEBALL BAT, and an ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY. TK quickly grabs up the HALF OF A WHOLE TURKEY, he then picks up the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY.

You have to be fucking kidding me.

He drops the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY and picks up the BASEBALL BAT instead. KOMAINU rushes in again and is met with a crack of the BASEBALL BAT. This has little effect on KOMAINU's health meter.

What the fuck? He's fucking cheating! Where's Christopher K. Clinton, Esq. when you need him? Fuck it!

TK tries cracking KOMAINU again with the BASEBALL BAT, still to little effect, but he tries again, and again.

HORSE PUSSY!

KOMAINU goes for his ultimate move LIGHTING PLASMA. TK isn't able to get out of the way in time and take the damage to the face, knocking him down and staring at his health bar that reads half.

He hits that fucking hard?! I call bullshit!

TK gets back to his feet the BASEBALL BAT has disappeared from too many uses. TK tries everything to fire off a combination but KOMAINU blocks each time.

Fine! Let's try this!

TK tries to grapple KOMAINU, not only does KOMAINU block it he reverses it with a brutal Discus Clothesline, sending TK to the ground yet again staring up at his life meter, it now read one-eighth life left.

Get fucked! What do I have to do to this man?!

TK gets back to his feet and no sooner than he's done KOMAINU hits him with a LIGHTING BOLT. This drops TK's life meter to zero, killing him once again. TK falls from the sky on the left-hand part of the screen sending KOMAINU to the ground taking no damage from his fall. TK wipes his nose with his right fist.

Enough fucking games.

TK rushes in and tries to throw combinations at the KOMAINU, all of which are blocked again. KOMAINU steps forward to grapple TK but TK, like normal learns from his past mistakes, and takes a step back. TK looks over and sees the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY.

Fuck it, why not?

TK avoids LIGHTNING BOLT, after LIGHTING BOLT, but eventually makes it to the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY. He picks it up and walks right up to KOMAINU and bops him right in the head with it, ULTRA SUCCESSFUL! KOMAINU's light meter went down by a fourth. TK doesn't notice though but continues to stalk his prey. As KOMAINU gets to his feet TK hit the man with another disastrous blow! Now that KOMAINU's life is at half a wave of light blue officers comes on screen, TK pays them no attention and waits for the downed KOMAINU to get up. As soon as Komainu gets to his feet again TK pelts him in the skull for his trouble. The reverberation of impact from the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY kills every light blue officer on the screen.

THIS THING IS FUCKING BALLER!!!!

TK struts to the other side of the screen, opposite the very weak KOMAINU. KOMAINU gets to his feet only to hear.

Fuck off, KOMAINU.

TK throws the ALUMINUM BAKING TRAY at KOMAINU, bouncing it off the man's chest, a lethal blow, his scream could be heard all the way to Japan.

Now that's fucking XTREME!


The scene of a triumphant TK fades to the round cleared screen.





The round clear screen fades to Barney sitting by BOB's super-computer, in BOB Headquarters. In walks TK who Barney isn't expecting so soon.

Holy cow, TK!

What?

You shouldn't be here so quick!

What do you mean, Barney?

That level was supposed to last almost two minutes how did you get it done in just over a minute?

Well, let fuck see Barney. I kick a whole lot of ass and-

TK chuckles to himself for a second.

Huh, I picked up this baking try and fucked ole boy up with it.

I know, it's the only way to win... I programmed the game, remember? The object was for you to free your mind, sometimes it's not what weapon you pick up. I'm sure you picked up the bat first because that's your instinct. If you really want to be XTREME, you grab whatever you can.

Everything and the bathroom tub.

That's not exactly how the saying goes, but, yeah. If anyone is going to beat Ned Kaye for the XTREME Championship, it's you, TK.

Thanks, Barn, I wonder what day it is... I hope Ned's not being a bitch and waiting for the last minute to get out his promotional material because that would be lame as fuck.

Ned wouldn't do that.

Yeah, you're right, he's honorable and shit. Thank you so much, Barney. You don't know what this means to me.

You're welcome, oh, make sure to plug $BarnCoin!

The screen fades to black as blue lighting cracks through TK's television in Lima, Ohio. Jimmy has been sitting there watching everything that happened in the game.

That was crazy, Thunder Knuckles!

You're goddamn right it was. Did you see me fuck up droves of people with bats, beer bottles-

Jimmy cuts off TK.

An Aluminum Baking Tray! Yeah, man, it was great! How are you feeling about your match on April 20th now?

TK smirks at Jimmy and says,

Go get me a beer and then hold it for me. I some fucking got work to do.

Back in BOB Headquarters. TK is waiting for Jimmy to bring him another beer. In this downtime, he starts thinking about Ned. That's when he sees one of the XWFs drones, no, not Ned Kaye, an actual recording drone.

Even stuck in a goddamn video game with restrictions, I have more charisma than "Any Version" Ned Kaye. Which reminds me, Ned, what was that shit you said to Marf, ya mush-mouthed fuck?

TK clears his throat to sound more like Ned Kaye, who did a really bad Marf impersonation.

I get saddled with a man whose name would be synonymous with sloppy seconds.

TK flashes his shit-eating grin for the camera before going back in on Ned.

Holy fuck Ned! Pot meet fucking kettle there, ya goddamn dip-shit! Let's break down Ned's Hart Championship run, yeah? He "beat" the Great High PooBOB, then followed it up, because he doesn't know his own history, so, let me set the record straight. Christ, that boy's brain is damaged. My bad, I'm getting off-topic, fucking ADHD, bro.

TK pauses to get his head back into the game.

Anyway, he beat yours truly while I was trying to win a chance to face James Raven in a different company. Yep, he got a, "too busy for Ned Kaye's ass", TK, and a half-hearted one step out of the company Bobby Bourbon.

TK claps ever so condescendingly.

Kudos, mother fucker. Let's see how long that title reign lasted after that.

TK gives his truly remarkable, smooth as fuck, jerking-off hand gesture.

Two months and two days. I have literally held two belts longer than Ned and he's going to act as he knows about holding on to gold better than 'Ol Thunder Knuckles. Sit down, Ned, you're going to hurt yourself crawling up with excuses. Now he's going to say that it only took him fifty-three days to win it back! Holding it for you guessed it! Two months and two days. Jesus Ned, you're like goddamn clockwork, aren't ya? I'm here to save you that embarrassment off jump street this time, pal. Facts are facts, I'm not too busy for you this time and you got something that belongs to me and BOB. That gold will look really good next to our collection. The title of Grand High PooBOB, the Television Championship, soon-to-be Tag Team Championships, and of course the second most sought-after title in XWF the Xtreme Championship. Too fucking bad I'm about to bust that internal clock of yours but your reign as Xtreme Champion is only lasting twenty-four days.

TK makes the number two with his left hand and then the number four with his right, only to turn them both into his middle fingers.

If you think for a second you're going to be handing out some Disciplinary Action on 'Ol Thunder Knuckles you got a hard night coming to you at the T-mobile Area. V-trigger, more like fuck yourself, I'll grab your damn leg, break it off, and beat you with it. Ned, I'm fucking ready for you. I'm not going to make it quick either, I'm coming in to be an Ego Crusher. This isn't the Indies, darling. You might think that Van Damninator was hot shit in the lower ranks.

TK shakes his head in disappointment.

I'm here to tell ya I'll catch that fucking chair and smack you straight in the goddamn skull with it. This is no fucking rules, Ned, this is my fucking world. You should have stayed the fuck out of it.

TK remembers something Ned said and you can see on his face a light bulb turned on in his brain.

You said some shit that really got me, Ned. I know, right? I'm as fucking stunned as you are. You said that you might be your own worst enemy, but I'm not even in the top twenty on that list. Why the fuck would I want to be on your list, homie boy? I'm already on a list. It's called XWFs top fifty list, but you're right, I'm only twenty-four. Where exactly are you? Thirty-five or some shit? My goddamn point is the only list that matters is XWFs top fifty but it's nice to know you keep of list of your enemies, bro. That doesn't have "crazy person" written all over it, or anything.

TK gives a hardy laugh thinking about Ned Kaye's placement on the only list that matters.

Who needs growth when you constantly evolving? Ned Kaye is too concerned with internet trolls and lists to see that he's always been the same. Good guy, bad guy, doesn't matter, he's the same guy, Ned Kaye is bland as fuck. Talk about cookie-cutter this guy reads one goddamn self-help book and thinks he knows everything about happiness. The worst part of Ned preaching happiness is that he, himself, isn't. Ned's just... Content. 'Ol Thunder Knuckles isn't content and will never be content. I strive for more, more cars, more houses, more XBUX, and yes now more gold. It took two whole years for yours truly to understand the only way you make it in this business is to capture more gold and keep it. The more gold you have, the more XBUX you make, and that's a fucking fact.

TK's stunning smile lights up the room.

Oh shit! I got it... Hold on.

TK starts to walk out of the room and waves the cameraman to follow.

We have to get in here real quick I was just hit with them dope ass rhymes. I can rhyme for a long time. See, mother fuck... Shit.

TK leads the cameraman into a recording studio in BOB headquarters. TK walks over to the mixer and starts pressing buttons.

This going to be dope.

TK puts on some headphones, his fingers are tapping the side of the headphones, and he begins bobbing his head to the beat.





Once TK figures out the beat, he begins to speak, you can't hear the music yourself. However, TK thinks this is gold.

So after this beef, Ned will call me a thief. Let me paint this picture like Georgia O'Keeffe, don't worry mother fuckers ill make it brief. After five matches Ned will call me the commander and chief, while he's drip drying on his sheets like Mia Khalifa.

TK winks at the camera still with headphones on going to town.

You can sit back and listen to the puppy bark but he bit off more than he can chew. He said he saw an APEX physiatrist and had a breakthrough, but turns out he's going to get eaten up like beef stew. T-mobile Arena Ned is sure to come through, but stepping in the ring with me, chaos will ensue. My version of violence is homebrew, not Jujitsu or Kungfu, I just leave'em black-and-goddamn-blue. Ned's dreams are about to fall through because this beating is overdue.

TK still bobbing his head with the beat, brushes the dirt off his shoulder.

Listen I have to get this off my chest, your bitch if you say you're not impressed. I got the hottest style of the midwest wildin' out in Nevada for a slugfest. I'm the alpha, he's just a beta test. On the 21st he'll be depressed because I'm looking out for my own self-interest. I got more in the war chest, while he's stripped down by my words, fucking undressed.

TK never losing the beat continues.

The smoke I spit will give you lung damage and that's my advantage. Holding onto the Xtreme, Ned couldn't manage, now he's going to be covered in bandages.

TK smirks at the camera before continuing.

Ned's reign is sick and I'm the vaccine, I got the championship spike protein. Bend over like your boy Eobard I got the vaseline. Fucking you so hard, I'm touching your spleen. When it's over you might be dehydrated, get this kid some saline. Xtreme rules are your guillotine, I'm going to spray you down with gasoline, Hell, maybe some kerosine, don't worry there won't be a fire screen, XWF fans will all hear your screams.

TK closes his eyes as he delivers these rhymes.

Why flex on your words when they carry no weight? The only thing that matters is they're changing that nameplate. Time to concentrate and obliterate, there is no time to slow down the work rate. Son, you're fucking with a heavyweight. The world is about to find out you're second-rate, you better make sure your tetanus shots are up to date, your skin I plan to penetrate. As far as I'm concerned the Xtreme division is free real estate and Ned's living on section eight, in a welfare state. That belt was handed to Ned on a silver plate, no need to speculate, he losing that shit on the starting gate. I'm coming into this match looking to annihilate, while he tries to de-escalate, watch him suffocate, without a stablemate. Fuck it, that's me just trying to ventilate.

TK takes off the headphones, his face becomes somber, realizing his promo time is almost up, and he's been having fun. Fun times don't last forever and it's time to get Robert Main level serious.

Bastards and Bastardettes let us give pause for prayer.

TK closes his eyes and bows his head. He begins praying aloud for the loyal No Good Bastard fans around the world.

Give me the strength to stick this shit out over the long haul, The grim strength of gritting my teeth, the glory-strength only being a Bastard gives. It is the strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into misery for my opponent, thanking the other Bastards who make me strong enough to take part in everything dastardly and despicable. Give me the strength to conquer. In the Bastards' Name, we pray.

TK does as he has before and raises his head.

A-fucking-men.

The starts to fade to black like all TK promos do but right before it fades all the way out it lights back up really quick. Jimmy shows up with TK's beer.

Oh, yeah buy some goddamn $BarnCoin! Gimme that beer.

TK snags the beer from Jimmy's hand, cracks it open, and takes a drink.

God, that's fucking refreshing.

Now the scene fades to black as they all do.