TOP SECRET BOB FORWARD OPERATING BASE

aka Jim’s mom’s house

Jim “The Jim” ”The BOBJim” Jimson is seated at his mother’s dining room table as he looks over fine details in the Bastard’s sex-slave extraction plan. An incredibly intricate map is splayed out across the table with two XWF action figures positioned to indicate Charlie and Bobby’s starting location. There are a variety of colorful arrows to indicate movements and routes of passage, with large red Xs indicating zones of expected conflict.

It’s some real Mark Flynn shit.

We zoom in over Jim Jimson’s right shoulder for a close up shot of the tactical display. It’s quickly evident that it is a dungeons and dragons map that Jim Jimson downloaded from a fansite. It looks like the innards of a mountain occupied by ‘chaos dwarves’.

A fat and stubby hand pushes away the XWF action figures and replaces them with barbie dolls dressed up like slutty nuns. Vienna sausages have seemingly been attached to the dolls, as we see the tips of the sausages peeking out beneath their outfits. We zoom back to a wider shot and we can see that Barney Green has removed the action figures. He and Jim Jimson are now arguing.

Jim: What the heck are you doing, Barney Green? You’re ruining the bastard's battle map! Operation Paul Nunyan needs to go perfectly!

Barney: I’m fixing it!

Jim: I spent hours working on this mock-up, what is there to fix?! It was perfect before you ruined it with your T-girl dolls! Wait…aren’t you supposed to be in the video game with Thunder Knuckles right now?! DON’T TELL ME HE ALREADY LOST ALL THREE OF HIS LIVES!

Barney: What are you talking about? That’s all computer programming. The Barney Green that’s in the video game is just an X-treme simulation!

Jim Jimson: Oh thank goodness Thunder Knuckles will be safe and can’t really die in the video game.

Barney: Oh no he can really die. If he dies in the video game he dies in real life! I think he was running low on lives last time I checked, too. If you want to sponsor him, you can buy Barncoin to drop him unique items in the game! But back to the original point, my T-girl dolls are a better representation of the tactics Those No Good Bastards are deploying for this rescue mission!

Jim jimson sighs and rolls his eyes.

Jim: No, no, no, NO! You’re messing it all up!

Jim Jimson smacks the dolls off the table and the vienna sausages go flying out of their dresses. Jimson grabs the XWF licensed Bobby and Charlie action figures and meticulously places them back on the dungeons and dragons fanfic map.

Barney: I’m serious, they’re getting dressed up like T-girls in the laundry room right now! They’re going through your mom’s clothes to find stuff that kinda looks like a nun outfit!

Jim: What? That wasn’t part of the operation!

Jim Jimson cocks his head in a mix of confusion and arousal. Barney Green looks back at him, equally confused and possibly even more aroused.

Barney: Thunder Knuckles suggested it to them! Come on, I’ll show you!

Jim Jimson quickly gets up and follows Barney Green towards the laundry room. The pair pass through a short and narrow hallway adorned with family photos and wallpaper that shows decorative art of dolphins being disemboweled by a variety of the Jimson family clan. It doesn’t take long before the two men get to a closed door at the end of the hall. Barney and Jim now stand on opposite sides of the door as they look at each other in anticipation.

Barney: You ready?

Jimson sighs deeply as he closes his eyes. When he opens them back up he responds.

Jim: Yes, I have prepared my spirit and my mind for this image.

Barney Green twists the handle and pushes the door forward. Barney and Jim step into the laundry room and experience a sight they will never be able to unsee: Charlie Nickles is dressed up like a hairy nun. His large member is hanging out a pair of black panties as he tries to disguise his manhood. Charlie tries to cover himself as he sees Barney and Jim looking on like a pair of kinky voyeurs.

Hey, what the fuck are you pervs doing!? Can’t you see Bobby and I are dressing up like ladies in here?!

The camera pans around and sure enough, we see Bobby Bourbon himself struggling to fit into his nun’s habit. In fact, Bourbon is putting his outfit on backwards. Bobby only realizes this once his face is stuffed in the nun hood. Bobby sighs as he sets himself to the monumental task of taking off, then putting back on, this elaborate disguise.

Get out of here you sick little monkeys!

Charlie throws a nun-looking shoe at the door as Barney and Jim shut it. Jim and Barney leave the room, but the camera stays with Those No Good Bastards as they put the finishing touches on their tactical masquerade. By now, Bobby finally has his nun’s outfit completely off. We can see that he was wearing a pair of cut-off jorts as he holds the habit in his hands, trying to figure out exactly which way it is supposed to go.

So, as I was saying before we were interrupted, I really am not a fan of having my balls sucked. I don't want anyone grabbing my scrote and applying pressure in any way.

Charlie Nickles is 100% not paying attention to whatever Bobby just said. Instead, Charlie is grunting and groaning as he tries to pull on a pair of pantyhose which are way too small for his legs.

God damn it, my supremely powerful leg muscles are making it so difficult to get these pantyhose on! I wish I was a sissy little soyboy like Mark Flynn, then I’d already look a woman and this would be so much fucking easier!

I wish I looked like NKWC. Then I wouldn't get bothered in public.

You’d get bothered in public way more often if you looked like a korean ladyboy, Bobby! What the hell are you talking about?

Charlie shakes his head in disagreement as his legs rip right through the pantyhose.

Ah fuck, we’ll just go without these then.

Charlie tosses the busted pantyhose to the ground as Bobby finally puts his nun costume on correctly.

I bet those little femboys get dressed up like ladies for fun, not even for tactical extraction missions! Instead of capturing sex-slaves for their own profits after getting dressed up like nuns, I bet those sissies just suck each other’s dicks!

Hey, we're just making sure Moose Lodge #666 gets disqualified from the bowling league. They pimp to pay their league dues. Cut them off at the source.

Wait, what? I thought they were trafficking whoreish nuns to raise money for a widow?

They were lying, CK, Those folks in the Moose Lodge are not just sex-traffickers, they’re also generally bad people. They wanted to sell us those handies by any means necessary. Or not. It doesn't matter.

How deceitful! That type of trickery almost seems like it comes straight out of Flynn & NKWC’s playbook.

It’s a pretty tired and worn-out playbook, so I’m not surprised both these teams are working out of it.

Charlie shakes his head in disappointment and sighs softly for the state of tag team wrestling. Bobby, meanwhile, begins applying the finishing touches to his make-up. He looks in a mirror and begins placing fake eyelashes on himself as Charlie struggles to tuck his bare feet into a pair of Jim’s mom’s shoes.

So you ever heard the tale of the Korean axe murder incident, Bobby? It’s one of my favorite stories.

No I don’t think I've ever heard of that. Sounds like a bad horror movie.

Bobby puts the lashes on before reaching down for a tube of red lipstick. Bobby pops his lips before he stretches them out and begins applying the makeup.

Heh, so get this. We all know the North Koreans are all bark and no bite.

Everyone knows that. I mean the north and south koreans have been at “war” with each other for decades, and to them that just means getting up every sunday and hosting a dance off in the DMZ! No one respects the toughness of Koreans.

Nope, not a damn soul respects the fighting acumen of a North Korean. Ever since 1976, it’s been impossible to take them seriously!

Bobby puts the lipstick down and begins applying contour to his cheekbones.

What happened in 1976?

Heh, something the North Koreans will never forget. You see, one night some Korean super-spies snuck into the demilitarized zone between hot girl Korea and way-too-skinny girl Korea. They got one over on the Americans that night. They got a couple over, in fact, as two bastardly Americans were chopped down in cold blood under the moonlight. All because some American troops were trimming the branches of some ‘neutral’ trees in the DMZ.

So, America responded.

What did we do?

We brought holy hellfire into the demilitarized zone and started chopping down every God damned ‘neutral’ fucking tree we could find! All the while, we were hootin’ and hollerin’ for them NKs to come back out and fight for real!

And you’ll never believe what happened….

The North Koreans came out and had an epic battle, to see if they could get a third victory in a row!

FUCK NO! The North Koreans ran the other fucking way like some cowardly dogs! There were no war crimes to be seen that day, only yellow fucking bellies and exposed backsides.

Do you see the parallels here, Bobby?

Bobby finishes applying his makeup and looks remarkably more feminine. He turns towards Charlie with a look of confusion on his female-”ish” face.

Yeah, totally, we’re fighting a North Korean guy and a guy who has also possibly sworn loyalty to Kim Jong-Un. So, like, super relevant.

Look deeper, Bobby. Look closely at the festering wound my tongue lashing has opened.

Our Bastards were chopped down in 76’, twice over….

The cocksure Koreans cheered, sure that the day was won…

Until the cavalry arrived.

Nickles turned and smiled at the camera before flashing the audience a telling wink.

The North Koreans never saw it coming, and they didn’t even put up a fight when it came time for them to get that third notch on their skinny little belts.

That remind you of anyone, Bourbs?

Nope.

Charlie facepalms as Bourbon begins checking himself out in the mirror.

Think about the historical parallels here. The Koreans got 2 cheap and dirty dubs…but number three was not to be. The Korean Axe Murder incident happened in the 1970s…and just yesterday Mark Flynn had a publicly televised conversation with Davenport about technology from the 1970s!

It’s all so obvious, Bobby. This time, the BASTARDS are America and North Korea is still Korea! Well, half of it.

The more you talk the less I understand this example. Whatever you’re trying to say, just say it straight up, Chucky Nucks’.

Charlie sighs in exasperation as Bobby still struggles to understand the heart of the comparison.

Those Koree-Flynns beat the Bastards twice, with cheap tricks and dirty tactics: but it won’t happen a third time, because the cavalry has been called in.

I’M THE FUCKING CAVALRY!

I’m the most dominant athlete in professional wrestling today! In the last HALF A YEAR, I have only lost ONE MATCH. I have main evented almost every Saturday Night Savage since November! I haven’t been pinned, submitted, or knocked out since LAST OCTOBER. I am an 11-time XWF champion: that’s more title reigns than Flynn and NKWC have COMBINED!

Long story short: these two pussies are going to get FUCKED when they come sniffing around for dub #3 on Warfare! Chucky Murder has never a lost a street fight, and he ain’t going to start losing em’ anytime soon!

I’m not Barney Green and I’m not Thunder Knuckles. I’m The Muhfukkin’ Nickleman! That means I don’t give a fuck about the money, the whores, or the fame: all I care about is bringing the pain! I ain’t going to Vegas to pitch Barncoin or to pitch a tent, I’m coming to Vegas to whoop some ass and steal some gold!

I’m as focused at they come, but if Flynn and NKWC want to spend all their time leading up to Warfare shit-talking Barney Green and Tee-Kay well then fuck, they’d better toss me an invite! I think I hate Tee-Kay more than anyone else in this federation, and I’m always ready to drag him and Barney through the mud. You know I’m 5-0 against those two guys, right Bobby? If the Koree-Flynns think their matches against Tee-Kay and Barney will prepare them for a street fight against CHARLIE NICKLES, then I already have them dead to fucking rights. Their belts are as good as mine.

Bourbon doesn’t pay any attention to Charlie’s explanation, instead, he just continues to check himself out in the mirror. By now both Bobby and Charlie are looking like drag queens dressed up as nuns. Their outfits and shoes are on point, as are their head coverings. They’ve each given themselves a modest amount of make up, so that’s sure to work well. Charlie’s make up, of course, looks a lot worse than Bobby’s. Charlie also has a visibly firm protrusion sticking out from his belly. Bobby looks down and points at it.

Are you pregnant, Charlie? Is Goldi the father?

Hardy har har, you know Goldi is a woman you sick piece of shit.

Charlie grabs the bottom of his dress and picks it up so we can see his hairy legs, black panties, and the one ball sticking out of his undergarments. As Charlie lifts the dress up a little bit more we can see that he is wearing the TV championship belt around his waist under his disguise.

What the heck do you have that for?!

I’m not going to trust my Goldi here in bastard’s HQ! You know what kind of people come around these parts, I wouldn’t trust any of them alone with my Goldi!

Bobby shrugs and nods.

Fair enough, Jim’s mom is a bit shady- and so are her 15 boyfriends.

Charlie and Bobby take one last look in the mirror, examining their new disguises from each and every angle. They look pleased.

You know Bobby, you look pretty hot like that! I kind of understand Barney’s whole deal now!

Why thank you, Charlie. I wish I could say the same about you.

Charlie frowns at Bourbon’s lack of attraction. Then, the two men open the door and exit the room by turning right. The camera follows behind the two bastards as they start walking through an elaborate and constantly twisting set of hallways. The walls on either side are lined with murals demonstrating great battles between dozens of Jimsons and a couple of giant dolphin overlords. As the bastards make their way through Jim’s mom’s house, Charlie Nickles can’t help but express the reason for that big fat smile on his painted face.

I can’t wait for the war on Wednesday night. I’m absolutely giddy with anticipation. It’s not everyday that The Nickleman gets to sink his teeth into a pair of unwitting victims. I’ve been the odds-on favorite in every championship match I’ve had since Bad Medicine, usually my opponents are too busy cowering before me to crack jokes at my expense. It’s all perfectly fine though, because I make sure to get my laughs either way.

Charlie grins like a wolf as the pair turn around another corner.

I’ve spent the last six months on Saturday nights running through the Savage and Anarchy rosters with no remorse. The #5 ranked twitter wrestler in the world was the first to fall before the new and improved TV God, former X-treme champion Cage Coleman and the rest of the shitters notwithstanding. Then came Elijah Martin, the longest reigning Anarchy champion I can remember. Then came Ruby, every fan’s favorite Super Dear-O. Then came the inscrutable Lady Gravy. Then came ‘super flavor of the month’ Raion Kido. Then came team #FUCKTHAD’s only Hall of Legends member.

Bobby cocks his eyebrow and glances over his shoulder as Charlie continues to ramble on nonsensically.

They all bit the dust. They all saw it coming, too. Each and every one of those motherfuckers knew what they had gotten themselves into. It didn’t make it any less FUN to turn their insides into outsides, but it certainly diminished the chase. And sometimes, a good chase is the most fun of all. If that North Korean IS a real War Criminal, I think he’ll be able to respect that. After all, how much fun could I really have shoving a bayonet into Flynn’s mouthy fleshlight if he wasn’t running his jaws like a hungry hungry hippo?

Bobby can’t contain a short chuckle at that one.

Well, that’s not what the world leaders in hungry-hungry hippo told me.

So the femme fatales of the tag-team division don’t take my record as a singles competitor seriously. You know what, Bobby? I am more than okay with that. I mean, it’s not like I’ve EARNED a shot to prove myself as the universal champion by kicking more ass and taking more names than anyone else in the company. It’s not like I’ve been out there week after week, defense after defense after defense after defense after defense after defense after defense proving myself to be the best champion on the XWF payroll.

Charlie and Bobby turn another corner and they come upon a very narrow, spiraling staircase. Bobby squeezes down first, then Charlie right after. As their guts are being squished by the way-too-narrow staircase, Bobby turns to Charlie and gives him his two nickels.

Well technically hasn’t it been seven defenses week after off week after week and so on?

Who knows. It’s so hard to keep track of what’s what these days, especially with all these apocalypses and multiverses floating in the ether around us. But you know, Bobby, the only ether I really care about is the bastard’s ether right here, being sprayed right now.

Charlie and Bobby finally come to the end of the staircase and begin walking through an incredibly long hallway with seemingly no doors.

NK and Flynn are riding on their own laurels in this one, each pretty sure the other is the dick to ride to the promised land. Are they good? Sure. Great? Well, fuck, we don't need Mark Flynn or North Korean War Criminal in our promos, although if you think there's an inordinate amount of Dr. Who style, wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff going on in the XWF, the parody of your opponents thing is pretty overrepresented too, pretty sure the next congressional hearing you go to will be all about identity theft in the XWF. King of the XWF? I'm the Grand High PooBOB you silly cretin, the fans know it, the whole damn town knows it, but hey, nabbing a cheap knock-off because you couldn't afford me to pretend to be me happens like 5, maybe 7 times a year in the XWF alone. Counterfeit Bobby showing up in a promo again. Because nobody wanted to look at Mark Flynn’s face longer than they have to. The last woman to see his humble orgasm face turned to asexuality by choice a mere five minutes following the endeavor. Then you wanna harp about how it sounds like we’re pairing off on you. Yeesh. Well, it’s a pairings championship, our ability to pair up, pair off, and whatnot is second to none.

Bobby rolls his eyes.

If we seem out of focus, lads, go down to the optometrist and get your eyes checked. Right now, Charlie Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon, Damn Mighty Bastards, the Prophet of BOB and the Grand High PooBOB, coming to that very ring, with what you gotta admit is a way cooler name than NK and Flynn. We know we’re getting those Tag Team Championship Belts. You went on and recapped a BastardNet BOBTube show we produced where we, indeed, did release a series that was a hybridization of Dusk Til Dawn and Demon Knight, and you see, that is because both of those movies are pretty cool, and we were lampooning the way so many wrestlers only lampoon one film at a time, like Mr. War Criminal’s obvious fingers pulling the strings of the entire production, because while he portrays a lovable, absent-minded, albeit focused to the point of tunnel vision nincompoop in any given NK and War Criminal promo, he’s also got a lot of string. I’m sorry I can’t speak towards whatever those promos were from half a year ago off the top of my head, because they don’t really matter right now. What matters is what transpires in that ring, when I bounce bodies and CK does his moves and we combine those moves into some sweet looking shit in the ring that’s just best described as smooth violence. I threw a possibility out there when signing up to face you, North Korean War Flynnamil. What other machinations have I cooked up in my melon while the two of you pat each other on the back, only one of you actually addressing us, the other having seen only two films and bringing it up every so often or some other madcap shenanigans. It’s like there aren’t two of you when I look at your promos, Mark. Just a brain and some comic relief. I wouldn’t say it means you’re that tightly knit together, oh no, there’s definitely some tears at the seams. Is that even the original NKWC? Have you replaced him? I’m just wondering, because I bet you just about any doofus could start wearing a mask and just about anybody could have been him.

Bobby clears his throat.

Just so he understands, since one of his many silly foibles being a failure at grasping the English language, so Mark Flynn can talk more, I’ll clarify. NK, that was me picking you apart. Not spreading stuff around and losing focus, no, Damn Mighty Bastards are going to beat you both so bad you’ll look like pages from a 3D Magic Eye picture book.

As Bobby’s spiel comes to an end the bastards arrive at a large metal door at the end of the hall. Bobby Bourbon pushes it open and the bastards walk into an absolutely massive air hangar. All along the far wall there are a variety of fighter jets, passenger planes, and hot air balloons. Between the bastard’s and the jets sit about 36 designer cars, spanning from luxury sports vehicles all the way to big ol’ ford pick-ups.

But before we focus on freeing the belts from those bitches, we gotta worry about freeing these nuns from those bitches.

If you say so. So which of Jim’s mom’s rides are we taking?

Charlie turns towards Bobby and waits for him to lead the way on this bleeding heart mission to ‘save the nuns’. Bobby and Charlie walk out of the building and to their Geo Metro. Both men enter the back seat as the automated vehicle takes off, driving both men towards Moose Lodge #666.

The Geo Metro hits the smooth roads outside of the Bastard’s base before going totally OFFroad. Within just a few minutes the Geo Metro has begun tearing through a local woodlands area, running over almost every animal it sees, as if that were part of its programming. No rabbit, beaver, or snake is safe.

Where the hell are we going, Bobby?!

We’re going to the Moose Lodge, Charlie, and this one’s out in the middle of nowhere because it’s housing a bunch of trafficked nuns. Gosh the Knuckles family must be cursed with terrible memory or something, you and TK can never remember anything.

Charlie shakes his head, flinging a bit of oil and grime off his hair and onto the windows of the Geo Metro. At the same time, the Geo Metro runs over a baby bambi, splattering the outside of that very same window with the blood of a fawn.

I’m not related to Tee-Kay!

Bobby shakes his head and clacks his tongue against the roof of his mouth.

See what I mean? You can’t even remember being related to him, but you both share the same incredibly obscure last name!

It’s Nickles.

Right, that’s what I said. Knuckles. Don't you remember?

Charlie rolls his eyes before rubbing the temple of his forehead with his fingers. Clearly, he’s tired of this. The Geo Metro runs over a few more woodlands creatures, mostly a family of opossums, before it dips out of the woods and starts driving alongside a river bank. The river below is deep and the current is ferocious, but Charlie and Bobby have no idea where they are. All the windows are covered in the blood of the forest.

Hey Bobby, let me ask you sumthn’. Since KoKo the War Criminal and the Flynstone became tag champions, who have they defended against?

Nobody good. I think they have wins against the Canadians and the Japanese, and I think they technically have two wins over Jay Omega.

You’re talking Double Trouble? You’re talking Canned-Ham Express? These are the groundbreaking title defenses that Flynn and his asian femboy got under their belt? And those pricks want to try and mock ME for my championship run? No wonder these fools are loyal to the Rocketman, they’re off their fucking rockers! Jay Omega and the fatboy-syrup connection can’t compare to Elijah Martin and Raion Kido, even in a 3 ½ on 2! Hell, CentRubion is probably one of the top tag teams around and I beat them in a HANDICAP match at March Madness! Shit, the tag division has been a joke ever since you and Tee-Kay went off to play blackjack and fuck super hot hookers.

Bobby shakes his head in affirmation as the self-driving Geo Metro crosses the river on a rickety old rope bridge that can barely hold the weight of the car. But then….

SNAP!

The ropes give out and the Geo Metro, along with the bastards inside it, begin plummeting towards the ferocious river below. The car crashes into the water before being swept up by the currents. The bloodied windows on the vehicle are cleaned up by the raging river, and Charlie freaks out as soon as he sees where they are.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS CAR TAKING US, BOBBY?!

Geez, dude! You’re smoking too much of that Burn The World, because I’ve already told you we’re going to the Moose Lodge a dozen times!