iHEROCon

Before getting ready to rumble with Atara Themis at Fire and Ice, Centurion and Ruby take a day off to visit iHeroCon, the world’s greatest convention FOR superheroes. Among all the heroes of legends and dapper tales, our Banana-Lime Blur is the only one brave enough to try out the contraption of WarpZone, the traveler of dimensions and timelines. After being flung through time and space, the Super Dear’O finds herself in a land of Fire and Ice, far from the timeline she calls her own, staring at an alternative version of her own self… Ruby Hood.

---

---

It didn’t take long for Ruby to understand the predicament she was in. Never mind the fact that she was further removed from her own time than any human had ever been before, the realty was that she was a fingertwitch away from an arrow through the skull. She put up her hands, to indicate she was no threat.

Ruby: “Look look lookie here, my girl. Now I know you must be suspicious, but… I can explain.”

Ruby Hood raised an eyebrow from behind her yellow mask. In fact, her entire outfit seemed to have the opposite color scheme of Ruby’s usual superhero do.

Ruby Hood: “Go ahead, this should be good. Tell me why the spitting image of me just comes falling out of the sky.”

Ruby: “Well, I got catapulted through time and space by my buddy WarpZone, who made this machine that lets you travel through times and timelines.”

Ruby Hood: “Do you take me for a flippin’ fool?”

Ruby: “I… guess it does sound a bit far-fetched.”

Ruby Hood: “You don’t say… Hey, babe!?”

She called out for someone, and it didn’t take long before an imposing, yet familiar figure appeared at her side. He was… very handsome, Ruby though. She shielded her eyes from the sun so she could get a better look at him.

Ruby: “Centurion!?”

The man puffed his chest, and looked down at Ruby with a deep-rooted look of mistrust.

Centurion: “It’s The General, actually. I got promoted a few years back.”

He then turned to Ruby Hood.

General: “What kind of evil trickery and sorcery is this? This smells like a scheme of the Seductress! Only she could pull off something like this. She’s an illusion sent to distract and harm us whilst we prepare for our assault on Castle Themis.”

Ruby Hood: “It’s possible. But I’m not so sure.”

Ruby: “Wait, did you say Themis? As in Atara?”

General and Hood exchanged a quick glance. It would’ve been enough for Ruby to escape the arrow’s path, but she decided that she was going to try and earn their trust some other way.

General: “So you do admit you know her.”

Ruby: “Of course I do, my mans!”

Ruby Hood: “What did you just call him??”

Ruby: “I mean err, my dude! Sorry, force of habit. Look, my timeline has its own Atara too! And if you’re going to take her down, let me help you! I’ve beaten her before, after all.”

Ruby Hood: “Hogwash. Nobody has bested the Seductress for centuries.”

General: “And how, pray tell, did you achieve that feat?”

Ruby: “Look, it’s a long story, but let’s just say dodgeballs were heavily involved. Then I nailed her with a Ruby Cutter, and the rest sf Anarchy history.”

Hood and General exchanged another glance.

Ruby Hood: “She knows about the Ruby Cutter?”

General: “We spent five months tracking that legendary sword down. No way Atara knows about it. This is… odd.”

The General kneeled down next to Ruby.

General: “I’m not saying I believe you, but the Ruby Cutter is the only weapon in the world that can rid us of the evil Seductress. So it has been foretold by the Oracle. And you say you’ve wielded it before to destroy her, in your timeline?”

Ruby: “In a sense… Although ‘destroy’ is a bit exaggerated. You can only take Atara down for so long, unfortunately. But don’t worry, hit her with a Ruby Cutter, and she’ll suffer a fate she considers to be worse than death: irrelevancy.”

Ruby Hood relaxed her arm so the bow no longer stood bent. But she didn’t exactly put the arrow back into her quiver either.

Ruby Hood: “Babe. Get me the Vamp. She’ll be able to tell whether she is an illusion or not.”

The General nodded, and Hood continued to look down at her own spitting image.

Ruby: “So, err… Tell me more about your Atara.”

Ruby Hood: “Atara Themis, Seductress Supreme, Aphrodisiac Incarnate. Thousands of men have turned to dust just by catching a glimpse of her. She has ruled these lands for centuries. And ever since the fall of Lacklan, there is no other evil force pushing back to oppose her.”

Ruby: “Oh, your Lacklan fell too?”

Ruby Hood: “We think so. After Lacklanland was destroyed she was never heard from again. Although some claim she has merely gone into hiding. In any case, she is no longer a threat. But Atara continues to be stain on these lands, sucking them dry like a leech, contributing nothing and taking everything she thinks she deserves. Entire villages have seen their populations halved, with every woman losing her mans to *her* allure and trickery. Those who have managed to resist her, have joined me in my quest to destroy her, so that the world may be whole again.”

Ruby: “Oof. That escalated quickly. ‘My’ Atara is just a stripper. Which, no judgment, all the power to those who use their bodies to achieve their goals. It’s just another form of body positivity, right? If you win the genetic lottery, don’t be ashamed to use your winnings! Imagine if we’d be mad at a lottery winner for spending the money they got because they were lucky!”

Ruby Hood: “I’m not sure I follow? What’s a lottery? And what’s ‘genetic’?”

Ruby: “Ohh, right, right. Fantasy setting. I guess science isn’t all that popular here, it’s more like magic and stuff?”

Hood’s expression changed from confounded to dumbfounded, but luckily the General was there with the aforementioned ‘Vamp’.

General: “Here she is, your wholesomeness.”

Ruby Hood: “Oh, good.”

Ruby: “Hey, Vita, my girl!”

The Vamp raised an eyebrow and looked over at Hood.

Vamp: “How does she know my mortal name??”

Ruby Hood: “Never mind that, my dudette. Just do that thing you do. Is she one of the Seductress’ illusions?”

Vamp nodded and went to ‘work’. She knelt down behind Ruby and placed her nose in the nape of her neck.

Ruby: “Bit weird, but I can see where this is going. Your Vita’s also a vampire, is she?”

Ruby Hood: “She is a nosferatu, ‘tis true. Vamp, what can you tell us?”

Vamp slid her nose over to the side of Ruby’s neck. She bared her teeth and softly pressed them on the spot of skin closest to an artery.

Ruby Hood: “Careful now, my girl, you’ve been clean for 28 years. Don’t throw it all away. Just do your thing.”

Vamp took a deep breath, and stood back up, leaving Ruby unscathed.

Vamp: “She’s no illusion. She’s living, and breathing, and her blood matches your precisely. It’s… uncanny. And yet, there are subtle differences. Almost as if she’s *you*, but from another lifetime. Another world. Another dimension.”

Ruby: “I also eat a lot of donuts, and I bet you guys haven’t invented those.”

Vamp: “Donuts?”

Ruby: “Yeah, they’re like sugary, O-shaped deep-fried pastries with toppings. They’re pretty rad.”

Vamp: “Yeah! That could be the exact difference I was describing!”

Ruby Hood: “Alrighty then, Vamp. Thank you for your service. You’ve proven yourself invaluable once again.”

Vamp bowed her head in respect and appreciation before disappearing into a swarm of bats and flying away. Hood finally put the arrow back in her quiver and reached a hand out to Ruby. The Banana-Lime blur gratefully accepted and was pulled to her feet.

Ruby Hood: “I trust Vampy’s judgment. When it comes to things like these, anyway. If you’re no illusion sent to cause discord by the Seductress, and you are willing to help us vanquish her, then you are most welcome.”

Ruby dusted her pants off, and snapped her fingers.

Ruby: “Oh, you best believe it, my dudette who is also me! Sounds like proper prep for Fire and Ice.”

Ruby Hood: “I do not understand that reference.”

Ruby: “Don’t worry about it. My girl, I wish I had my Go-Pro with me right now. Nobody is gonna believe me when I tell them about this!”

Ruby Hood: “Your Go… What? Never mind, I suppose there are always gonna be things that don’t quite cross over. I bet you’ll be flabbergasted when I tell you the tale of how I struck down the Gadorbadorp of Frezznixon using nothing but cunning, guile, and the Froopyloopyroty of Hermaqqinaye.”

Ruby: “Well, you got me there! Consider me flippin’ flabbergasted!”

Ruby Hood: “Excellent. Now, let me introduce you to the team.”

She took Ruby by the hand, and led her to an opening in the woods. A camp fire was surrounded by tents, and there were dozens of people going about their business, whether they were sharpening weapons on whetstones, hammering away on anvils, or practicing their magic arts.

Hood pointed over to the nearest pair of General and Vamp, who were sparring. They stopped momentarily and gave Ruby a nod of acknowledgment.

Ruby Hood: “You’ve met my lover and my protégé, the immortal vampire. Although her powers of glamouring are nothing compared to those of the Seductress.”

She then pointed to a shape-shifting snake, who turned from reptile to human, and back again.

Ruby Hood: “That’s the Machinal Lubemission Subina. Careful, she’s slippery. But she’s not easily tricked. And a shapeshifting amphibian is welcome in any band of heroes when their intentions are… not *too* bad I guess.”

She pointed at a pink-haired girl over by the armory. She was passing by every weapon, and her mere touch turned all of the steel into gold. From arrow-tips to spears, to swords to axes.

Ruby Hood: “That there’s Sierra Gold, natural born transmutation specialist. She has renounced her EVIL ways, and is now using her powers for GOOD. Although she’ll never admit to it.”

She then pointed at various other members of the jolly band of heroes.

Ruby Hood: “There’s Ned Caiman, half human, half caiman. Unfortunately for him, it’s the lower half that’s caiman, but he’s a very good cook. Not as good a cook as our homeboy Drew Archer Agile, though, but since Drew is already an archer who’s extremely agile and therefore super handy in combat, we just have Ned make the meals so he can feel important. And hey, isn’t nourishment the most important thing a human being needs, be it emotionally or nutritionally? GO NOURISHMENT, am I right? Speaking of which, are you hungry? I can have our super duper agile archer cook you up something.”

Ruby: “No no, it’s fine, apparently I eat way too much anyway, according to my timeline’s version of Atara. I won’t give her the satisfaction of letting her say ‘I told you so’!”

Ruby Hood: “I understand, my girl. Just let me know in time if that tummy of yours goes ‘grrrrr’, because if we are the same person across different timelines, then it usually doesn’t end well when that happens. Oh! Lookie there, it’s South Korean Peace Hero! And Tula Keali’i! She’s pretty great.”

Ruby: “So Tula doesn’t get a different name?”

Ruby Hood: “What do you mean?”

Ruby: “Never mind. Anyway, this is an impressive band of warriors, I’m not gonna lie. I’ve no doubt you’ll be able to take down the Seductress with these peeps on your side!”

Ruby Hood: “E to the xactly! So let’s prepare for battle. Let’s rest up, and tomorrow at first light we assault the palace of Themis! So ready your dinner and eat hearty… Because tomorrow at noon we lunch in HECK!”

---

---

That very next day, after a rather sleepless night for the banana-lime colored heroine of our tale, and also after a very hearty breakfast that included plenty of bacon, fried eggs, fried tomato, and even buttered toast, the troops gathered in front of Castle Themis. The General and Hood stood at the front, with Ruby slightly behind them, and the rest pf the warriors following suit.

General: “Hmmm. No army of Simps in sight? This is suspicious. Be vigilant, everybody!”

Ruby: “I’ve turned being vigilant into a hobby AND profession, my dude!”

Ruby Hood: “Quiet!”

Hood stood before the mighty castle, and let her voice roar.

Ruby Hood: “Atara Themis! The days of your wicked ways are done for! Come out, come out, wherever you are, and we shall do battle until either one of us is vanquished!”

There was little to no response from the castle’s side. Hood seemed disappointed and just about ready to draw the Ruby Cutter, but Ruby stepped up.

Ruby: “Atara! Stop hiding behind your walls! Come out and fight, for a change! These people have had enough of you! For centuries you’ve been here, but what have you accomplished, truly!? You’re nothing but a source of frustration. You’re omni-present, yet you accomplish nothing. You’re literally a literary device, a passenger in a train that bought a ticket, but sure isn’t helping to put any coal into the engine!”

General: “What’s a train?”

Ruby Hood: “Hush, babe. Let her speak.”

Ruby: “Let’s face it, Atara. You’re never going to be top dog. You’re never going to be *the* champion. You lack the spine, you lack the fortitude, and you certainly lack the self-awareness to admit I’m right. You serve a purpose, but… oh, flip!”

Ruby’s speech was interrupted by the twang of a series of catapults, and before long, the sky darkened and a rain of unidentified objects blotted out the sun.

General: “Oh no! Duck!”

Ruby Hood: “Are those ducks??”

General: “No, just… duck!”

General lifted his shield up, and as if by magic, or rather: because of magic, he helped protect the entire army at the base of Themis Palace. As the projectiles evaporated on General’s totally encompassing shield of light, Ruby could finally make out what was being flung at them.

Ruby: “Are those… cows!?”

The downpour of live cows stopped, and General lowered his shield. Atop Themis Palace, a figure emerged atop the parapets.

Atara: “Fools! Do you truly believe you have what it takes to stop me!? These live cows I just catapulted at you are merely the beginning! I have an undead army of SIMPS I can simply turn towards you, and with a snap of my finger they will do my bidding and destroy you! I queef in your general direction! I throw my dirty crusty snot-filled hankies at you! And if that isn’t enough, then I only have one final spell to unleash on you… Κάτι πολύ ασεβές και κακό στα ελληνικά!!

Ruby Hood: “Nobody listen to her! We have her right where we want her! Don’t fall under her spell. Vamp, use your Glamour powers to counteract hers!”

Vamp went about her glamouring business so quickly she dissipated into a pink mist. But Atara wasn’t discouraged.

Atara: “A fine trick from your undead nosferatu. A worthy ally, no doubt. But wait until you see what I’ve uncovered in the depths of ασυναρτησίες!”

Atara drew a circle around herself, and starting an enchantment.

Ruby Hood: “Oh no! It’s a warm-up spell! I bet she’ll summon a demon from the deepest depths of her nether regions!”

Ruby: “No worries! That gives you an opening!”

General: “Phrasing! But accurate! Archer Agile! Take your best agile shot!”

This timeline’s Drew lined up his best shot.

Ruby: “Boy, this is exciting!”

WarpZone: “I agree!”

Ruby jumped a few feet into the air.

Ruby: “DAFLIP!?? WarpZone? What are you doing here??”

WarpZone: “Getting you back to our time and timeline, of course. Your boyfriend just got back from the bathroom, and he’s quite cross with us. I mean, I could just zap him head-first into Uranus…”

Ruby: “Phrasing. But kinky. But also, please don’t do that.”

WarpZone: “That’s why I’m here! Now, shall we?”

Ruby nodded, but held up her hand.

Ruby: “Sure. Just let me say goodbye real quick.”

Ruby ran over to Hood, who cast her eyes downward.

Ruby Hood: “Aww, shucks. You gotta do, don’t you?”

Ruby: “’fraid so, my girl. But don’t you worry. You got this. Just like I do. You’ll knock off the Seductress, and I’m gonna beat Atara in my world. Again.”

Hood pulled Ruby into a hug.

Ruby Hood: “You’ve made us believe! Now go and kick some backside!”

Ruby: “You best flippin’ believe it, my girl!”

WarpZone put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder, and the pair of them were catapulted through time and space once again.

---

---

Ruby landed back into the hall at iHeroCon. The moment she and WarpZone landed on their feet, a band of surrounding heroes cheered and applauded.

Brassface: “She did it!”

Human Bear: “Attagirl!”

Skyscraper: “Impressive!”

Ruby dusted her clothes off once again, but was interrupted by Centurion, who pulled her into a hug before she could finish.

Centurion: “You’re back! You had me worried there for a bit.”

Ruby: “Not to worry, my mans. Just another adventure that the British would call ‘bonkers’. But all is well that ends well. And you know what? I’ve got a pretty good feeling about Fire and Ice. I feel like Atty’s gonna suffer defeat across multiple timelines this weekend.”

Centurion: “That makes no sense.”

Ruby: “Excellent. That’s kind of what I was going for.”