The scene starts with Rufus who has a black background behind him. He begins going on an insightful back story.
The year 2021, the place is somewhere in Texas. It was a great year. The water was less contaminated, the air wasn’t completely toxic, and the XWF wasn’t tainted by the Left Hand anymore. The NFL Buccaneers won the Superbowl and the Bucs beat the Suns for the NBA championship the year before. The balance of things was great, man. Oh, and don't forget, we have more amusement parks than any other planet that we communicate with now. I’m telling you this place is the best but it almost wasn’t. Yep, 1000 years ago the two great ones Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles ran into a few problems. So now I have to travel back in time to help them out a little bit. If I fail, the whole basis of our society will fall apart. Don’t worry though it’ll all make sense, I'm a professional.
Your screen fades from Rufus to TK and Bobby Bourbon who are hanging out in their strip club, Club BOB. Both men are on stage, not dancing per-say, they’re hamming it up with their tag team titles.
I’m Thunder Knuckles.
and I'm Bobby Bourbon.
And togetherwe’reThemNoGoodBastards!
The Bastards use their XWF tag team titles as air guitars.
Excellent!
TK’s text notification goes off. He pulls out his phone and audibly groans.
Jimmy, huh?
Yeah, he said we should meet him at XWF video archives.
Great, we were just starting to have fun!
Fucking Jimmy’s a goddamn buzz kill like that.
The scene fades effortlessly into the XWF video archives. Jimmy is lecturing the Bastards as they play paper football taking turns kicking the paper triangle into finger goal posts. They aren't paying a damn bit of attention to Jimmy.
Muffle-muffle-muffle... and that’s why Betsy and Lycana stand a chance! TK can you tell me why Lycana is relevant?
TK looks over at Jimmy as Bobby flicks the paper triangle and it hits TK in the side of the face. TK looks back at Bobby who’s chuckling. Jimmy looks infuriated.
Well, TK, can you?
Because we’ve made her relevant since she got here?
No, dammit! Haven't you guys been paying attention to a single word that I've been saying?
Not really.
Yeah, the score is 21 to 21.
Bobby looks over at Tk and TK back at Bobby.
Nope, it’s 21 to 24. I just made one and it hit you in the side of the face.
Fair enough.
TK looks back over at Jimmy.
The score is 21 to 24 Bobby’s lead.
Guy’s too much depends on you winning at Relentless! You’re not even doing a Noir piece. TK you’ll be shipped to OCW full-time and you’ll never go down as the best Tag Team in XWF history! You guys’, you're promo better be something very special. Where are you guys going?!
Bobby and TK leave the room.
What are we supposed to do for our promo, Bobby?
I’m not sure but there's one thing I know for sure. That is Marf is not a werewolf.
Well, what is Marf?
I don’t know, TK, but I do know we’re in serious trouble.
Bobby looks down at the paper Jimmy had given them.
Listen to this, express in your promo how each historical event would view the XWF in 2021. We are in danger of failing most heinously, TK.
Atara pulls up in a bad-ass red mustang without the Bastards noticing.
Do you need a ride, guys?
TK hears Atty's voice and smiles.
Sure, Atty!
Bobby says to TK just loud enough for him to hear, as they slowly walk up to the car.
Remember when you thought you were in love.
Shut up, Bobby.
Remember when she was the apple of your eye?
Shut up, Bobby!
They both jump into the back of the red convertible mustang, once they reach it. Atara drives for a while until they get to TK and Bobby’s hotel. TK jumps out and says,
I’ll be right back. I have to grab something.
The shot follows TK into the Hotel going through the lobby, riding in the evaluator to the top floor, walking to the Bastards room. TK enters the room, grabs a bag, and heads out reversing the order. Now in the Lobby, TK ends up literally bumping into Theo Pryce mid-lobby. Impressive camera work by the crew.
Slow down, TK. Why are you in such a rush?
Going to go study for the Betsy Granger history thing, or whatever.
Oh, that's right! Relentless is coming up. Are you shooting your promo right now?
Well, yeah.
Wow, you better hope you guys pull this off because if not-
Theo's face becomes more serious.
-you'll be working over at OCW full time.
Wait, fucking what?
Theo smiles at TK and waves bye-bye in the most obnoxious of ways. TK mutters to himself.
You still owe me five hundred thousand xbux, you fucking dick.
TK slowly walks out the Lobby’s front door after finding what he needed in their room. He looks distraught as he makes his way back to the red mustang convertible. He hops into the back with Bobby. TK looks sad as he looks at Bobby.
We have to pass the Betsy Granger history lesson. Otherwise, there's no more Them No Good Bastards in the XWF.
Why?
Theo is going to ship me over to OCW to work full-time.
Bobby mouths the word “lame”. The scene fades to three people dressed like baller-ass bastards with some of the coolest shades you’ve ever seen. The one in the middle has a pretty rocking mullet and a pair of sick pit vipers, they are truly sick.
It’s time, Rufus. Their separation is imminent.
The cool-ass bastard in the middle, with the pit vipers on, holds his palm out and a ball of light appears. It shoots from his hand to the middle of the room, where a cylinder is placed, it wraps around the cylinder and eventually crashes into it, to make a phone booth. Rufus slowly walks up to the phone booth stopping just short of walking inside it. Rufus faces the three very excellently dressed people and says,
Be Bastardly to each other.
The three men respond simultaneously.
Party on, fucker.
Rufus turns and enters the phone booth. He types numbers 9,1,1,2,0,2,1 then press the pound key and star keys at the same time. As soon as Rufus presses the two buttons, red electricity starts shooting from the top of the phone booth engulfing it, dropping it into a portal made below. The three men who sent Rufus into the past see the phone booth disappear and look to their left. That’s where the three men see the holographic animations of both Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon doing their now-iconic no-look fist bump. The scene fades back to Bobby and TK. They are back at XWF video archives without Jimmy studying on their own. They are watching War Games they’re at the part where they both pin Lycana.
Look at that pose, Bobby. Just like the fucking Road Warriors, and shit.
Yep, before us, when people came out and got a huge ovation from the crowd. They called it the Road Warriors pop. Now it’s simply the Bastard pop.
It definitely sounds goddamn cooler now, that’s for fucking sure.
They continue watching clips of matches. These include the part of War Games where Bobby pins Betsy, the match on Savage where Lycana rolled out of the ring because Tommy Wish hurt her ankle and made her rollout, all while her partner wallowed after he hurt himself.
Wasn’t Atara supposed to be in this match?
Shut up, Bobby.
Haven’t heard much from her since, huh, TK?
TK, more annoyed now, looks at Bobby angrily.
Shut up, Bobby!
Bobby smiles and lightens TK’s mood instantly.
Are you hungry Bobby?
Do bears shit in the woods, TK?
I guess, but they also shit in fucking Zoos and goddamn neighborhoods in the south. So, I guess, it’s a loaded fucking question.
Yes, I'm hungry.
Bobby says with a grin.
Well, you want to go to Circle K? It's pretty close by. Hell, I can pick up some beer while we’re there!
Yeah, that sounds pretty good right now actually. They have those strombolis and pizzas already made. Oh, and hotdogs!
The scene changes to Circle K. Where Them No Goo Bastards are eating hot dogs. Bobby is drinking a 42-ounce soda, while TK is drinking a 40-ounce Hurricane, a cheap malt beverage.
That lady over there told me that Betsy’s her fucking hero and shit.
Betsy is no hero, TK.
They see a little old lady walk by wearing the Circle K’s uniform.
Excuse me, when was Lycana relevant?
I don’t know, I just work here.
TK shrugs exactly as long as Shawn Warstien.
Wanna try hanging out in front of McDonald's? Someone might know something there.
Sure.
At that moment the clouds separate and the wind begins to blow trash around garnering Them No Good Bastards' attention. They look up and see the clouds separating and lighting bouncing from cloud to cloud.
Holy fuck!
As TK exclaims out the phone booth drops from the clouds and lands within feet of Them No Good Bastards, electricity still coursing around the phone booth.
This is awesome.
Rufus opens the door of the phone booth, walks out, and says,
Greetings, my bastardly friends.
TK looking gobsmacked responds with.
Do you know when Lycana was relevant?
Well, perhaps we can find out together.
Bobby and TK look at each other confused. Rufus starts walking toward Bobby and TK slowly.
Bobby Bourbon.
Rufus stops walking closer and smiles. He then takes one more step towards Them No Good Bastards.
And Thunder Knuckles. Gentlemen, I’m here to make sure you pass the Betsy Granger history lesson.
What?
How?
Rufus turns his head to look behind himself. As he does you can hear Bobby and TK screaming-
-Wooooaaaaahhhhhhh!
You can hear a Thunder Knuckles say, as they land
Goddamn, I hate that part.
Another phone booth arrives. Current TK looks over at current Bobby.
Bobby?
What?
Strange fucking things are happening at the goddamn Circle K.
When TK finishes his sentence, out walks Bobby and TK from the second phone booth. Current Bobby and TK look baffled as time traveling Bobby and TK walk up super excited.
Hey, Bastards! You’re going to go back in time with Rufus!
Yeah! You’re going to have the most excellent adventure through XWF history and beyond.
Who are you guys?
We’re you, mother fuckers!
We’re Bastards not Mother Fuckers. The Bastards win gold, the Mother Fuckers never did.
Current TK and Bobby give a no-look fist bump.
Hey, the Motherfuckers weren't that shitty.
Well, I'm a part of a better team now. Anyhow, isn’t this some kind of paradox, us meeting ourselves?
Yeah, but I wouldn't worry too much about it. Apparently, there are so many paradoxical happenings every second they all offset each other.
Oh. Did you ever figure out why we have to take a Betsy Granger History Lesson?
You're facing her at Relentless, it seemed apropo.
Huh.
Both TKs are standing and watching. Current TK looks over at current Bobby.
Are you done talking with yourself?
Time TK butts in.
Nah.
Annoyed current TK looks back over at Time TK.
How would you know?
He was you before being enlightened by traveling through time.
Take that, Dalai Lama.
You mean Dolly Waters?
Both Bobbies shake their head 'no'.
Wait, could we go back in time and just castrate Betsy’s dad before he knocked her mom up?
We tried that, made a big old kerfuffle, yadda, yadda, yadda…
Yadda yadda yadda?
In every reality where Betsy isn't born never sells the XWF to Lane.
Huh. Weird.
Eh, it's not so weird. Those offsetting paradoxes, like I said, everything always comes full circle.
Cool.
Well, I want a snack, yo, TK, let’s check out what’s in the Circle K.
Alrighty.
Time TK and Time Bobby walk into the Circle K. Current TK nudges Bobby.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Maybe, I mean, why doesn't Papa John's sell white pizza but has the Pizzadilla?
No, the goddamn time machine!
Oh. Meh.
What do you fucking mean 'meh'? We can go back in time and castrate Betsy’s dad before he knocks her mom up.
Didn't you hear what I just told me?
I don’t fucking speak nerd. Come on, we showed up in that, it's our time machine anyhow, what harm is there?
Huh. You know, you're right. And when you're right, you're right. Let's go cut a man's balls off.
Current Bobby and TK walk over to the time machine and start to enter.
where are you guys going?
Back to our time so we can do the Betsy history shit.
Yeah, we're totally the future Bastards going back to our own time.
Them No Good Bastards enter the time machine. Bobby presses a few random buttons and in a flash, it disappears. Shortly after, Time Bobby and TK step out of the Circle K with potato chips and beer.
Rufus!
Where's our time machine?
Yeah, I'm going to take you through time and show you how to use it along the way.
Yeah, the thing about that, we're the Bastards from the future that you gave that time machine so we came here to tell ourselves to chillax!
They said they were the future Bastards going back to the right time.
The three look around for the machine and the current Bastards. Rufus facepalms.
Shit...
We now fade to a commercial break.
As the commercial lights up your screen, you see a rather fat man with a 70's porn stash walking up to a bar. You see a female bartender with her back turned. The only thing you notice at first is her perfectly shaped ass in yoga shorts, until she turns around. She has a warm and inviting smile and it almost makes you feel like not a creep for looking at her ass the whole time.
I need a beer.
The bartender looks down and grabs a cold refreshing DOC beer. She opens it and starts to hand it to the patron.
Oh, um, I’m going to need a light beer. My taste buds can't handle all the hops in that beer. Any chance you have something…
The bartender rolls her eyes at the man.
More your speed?
The man smiles.
Yeah.
The bartender turns to look into the cooler. Your eyes focus once again on her ass. She walks over and grabs the new beer. As she turns around you focus on her face again.
We have this, It's being promoted by XWF’s Universal Champion Alias.
The bartender hands the man the beer. He looks down at the label.
What is this?
It’s DOC light.
The man starts reading the back of the label.
Less taste and 0 calories?
Yep, almost all the flash with zero substance.
And it’s a Stale Ale? I’ll take it!
A voice-over begins as the man drinks his DOC light, Stale Ale. The shot of the man drinking doesn't last long as it fades to a motionless shot.
When your taste buds can’t handle the real thing. Try DOC light.
[bwo][/bwo]
Coming back from the commercial you now see Bobby and TK dressed in 40's era zoot suits. They're standing in a hazy juke joint, the raucous jazz band laying down cool beats ready for the Bastards' heat.
Betsy getting Lycana to team with you is a lot like rearranging the goddamn deck chairs on the fucking Titanic.
That’s an insult to deck chairs. Even they have more personality than Lycana. How much you wanna bet she's gonna harp about how you two haven't even faced each other once one-on-one, I'm carrying you, and singing the same old song and dance while telling everyone about how she's bound to be some kind of animal, blah blah werewolf this and instinct that. Then Betsy’s going to bring up how happy she is to be in Legacy, how she's some supposed BOB destroyer with nothing to show for it.
TK with the rhythm of the jazz band gives his no modified, for the music, jerking-off hand gesture. It’s still elegant in its vulgarity.
She'll point out she took your mask. By the way, You're a very handsome man, Bobby. That mask was holding you back.
Mask-shamashick. One piece of leather isn't anything compared to these.
Bobby smacks TK's XWF title that rests on TK's shoulder.
Damn right! Betsy is gonna come into this match feeling like a million xbux though, for real. Beat Bobby for his mask was on the Apex Legacy team that beat BOB on Warfare. Looks like she has our number, huh?
TK flashes a smile before giving his signature, perfectly honed, jerking-off hand gesture. This time not to the rhythm of the music. It’s precise and spot on.
Listen, Betsy, let's be real, yeah? I know imitation is supposed to be the goddamn sincerest form of fucking flattery, but my god girl! 'Ol Thunder Knuckles thought you were better than that. It is what it is, and what you got, was schooled in the art of butt fuckery! You did not get a goddamn peep from a Bastard until it mattered. Guess what, you time-traveling scat muncher, now it fucking matters.
The big guy grunts and snarls as TK puts his hand on Bobby’s shoulder.
Yo, we’re gonna wipe that shit-eating grin off her face stat. For starters, Bets, of all the coattails you could ride, Lycana’s ain't the cut or hem you want to attach yourself to. You can go back and check the tape of War Games on that one. Why you thought "welp, we lost before, time to try again" and forgot that the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results I just can't prescribe, and I don’t fucking care. Why the powers that be thought you and Lycana needed to be the sacrifice laid down on the altar of Them No Good Bastards to appease us at Relentless, I don't know and I don't care. The history between us, all the way back from the indignities we had to go through while you and Atara made sappy passive-aggressive jabs on Valentine's Day, or as I like to call it, six-whole-weeks-after-Christmas-and-you're-needy-again-day, to my trying to help you at Leap of Faith so you could come down and lay the umpteenth beating on Us No Good Bastards later on, to the "woe is me, I done got victimized" pity party you threw when you got comeuppance, all the way to my mask, none of that matters anymore. You can prattle on like a little girl all you want, living in your fantasies and escaping from whatever cruel realities you actually live in, but come Relentless, three real cold hard facts are coming right at you. One, Them No Good Bastards ain't losing the Tag Team Championships because as much as we call out the likes of Apex, the Sick Cunts, or any other team that has a legacy, they all know we’re the best that's ever been. Two, the second thing you'll be hit with is the most devastating, the most destructive, the most diabolical move ever seen, the Rainbow Laser Death Sequence. Finally, you're coming ringside with Lycana because your husband couldn't be fucking bothered. I have had my fair share of shitty relationship turns, but I sure as shit have never been left at the altar so some fool could perpetrate some bromance with a lackey called Fuzz while showing off their abs. Who knew that your impossible dream was a happy, successful marriage. Sure, in them promos y'all look adorable, the picture-perfect idyllic, but that's what's presented. It's a guise. When it comes down to it, where has James Raven been for you when it fucking mattered? War Games? He sent Fuzz in to eat a Bobbybomb and left you to get pancaked. Relentless? He's leaving you more high and dry than Snoop Dogg with a case of cottonmouth. Go on Twitter, right now, and showcase some bullshit reaffirmation of your affection for each other that's as hollow as a Jack-O-Lantern and as fresh as one in December. Have James make a quip or two to generate a few likes from the same goddamn 4 people ad nauseam. Believe in your own shell of a relationship for all I care. Hold onto it, because it's the only fucking thing you're leaving Relentless with. And I've heard the prognosticators, all saying this little thing we have should catapult you to the stratosphere. Bitch, get one thing crystal fucking clear. You can ride on Raven, you can swing with Lycana, but you will not, under any fucking circumstances, advance your fucking career on my shoulders, either standing on or pinning them.
With that, Cadryn Tiberius poofs into the scene. He looks baffled.
What are you doing here?
Uh, this isn't the Alias promo?
No, we don't need you to seem entertaining, we just genuinely are! Get the fuck out!
Cadryn nods swiftly, glancing at both Bastards and poofing away lest he gains their ire.
Well, actually, Raven did show up at Warfare when…
Bobby looks at Jimmy.
That didn't matter! Go take a lap!
Who the fuck said you to interrupt us, Jimmy?
Jimmy pouts as he puts on a cheap hat and trots off to wallow in his sorrows.
That said, people of the XWF! Bow thy heads and give thanks for the day of the Relentless Reckoning is at hand! I, your humble Sultan of Smacktalk, give room to the floor for the Relentless Legend himself, Smacktalker Jesus, as he may guide you through the valley and beyond the mountain tops, from the lowest to the highest…
I must be kinda high, right now. Did anyone else see that mother fucker pop in our promo?
From shore to shore, through the mire and across the plains and even in the scorch of the desert he will know the way! The way of the Bastard, the mantra of the Bastard, the salvation of the Bastard, for the might of the great Thunder Knuckles has come at hand! When there was only one set of footprints, it was he who carried you! Let us give pause…
Why are we doing this in the middle of the promo?
I think it's cool.
It is. Carry on.
Bobby and TK exchange the second most devastating move in wrestling, a no-look fistbump.
Preach.
It’s time to unleash the Bastard Tank on this tag team war campaign. We’re already all up in their brains, while we sit back and fucking preach no pain no goddamn gain. Ready to dominate the game and make them all remember the fucking name!
ThemNoGoodBastards.
We’re going to plant our flag and cement our goddamn Legacy over one of theirs. Just like we did at War Games when we fucking took out two.
I see what you did there.
TK smirks and tips his hat before continuing.
I’ll even put my money where my mouth is! If either of you two bitches got the funds, or the ovaries, to back whatever shit you plan on spewing out of your bullshitting-ass mouths in the coming weeks. If need be ‘Ol Thunder Knuckles will pull out the xbux right now and show you he ain't playing any fucking games. We put our enemies face down in their graves. When we spit fire, we leave a trail of fucking flames in our wake. If you guys think you’ve never taken a real loss to us. Then I can goddamn promise you that as soon as this match was signed it was fucking arranged. This team isn’t ready for these problems, they’re not equipped with the right metaphors, analogies, or mother fucking allegories. We’re here to conquer while you bitches jock our style. Welcome to our world Betsy, Your partner knows all about losing to us, just ask the pup. These belts mean everything while we fight, nothing-ass, bullshit, thrown together “teams”. I mean, fuck me! It took all the way up to September 14th for Betsy to even name her partner, promotional material be damned. What kinda fuck-ass shit is that? Oh, and then she picked the bitch with all the fucking trimmings, decked out with a goddamn healing factor, immortality, night vision, and the ability to fucking shapeshift, Lycana Blackwater, ladies, and gentlemen!
Bobby gives one of those artsy fuck boy claps that they do in coffee shops. It’s not really clapping at all, it's snapping. How fucking cool is that?
That's fine by us, Bets. You’re just ensuring another No Good Bastard victory lap!
Hot damn! We have the time-traveling, dimension-hopping ungrounded nonsense dork teaming up with the living LARP doll. Fuck, why not bring in Peter Pan, the Easter Bunny, Count Chocula, Rumplestiltskin, a genie riding a unicorn, and Gandalf while you're at it. Vita is a vampire now, she can fit in with y'all, then you can hit up Comic-Con in cosplay and tell everybody how much of an honor it was to get your brains bashed in on the biggest Pay Per View of the year millennium by Them No Good Bastards. This is all pure Michael Graves level of malarkey. Shit, Lycana’s magic powers are as real as Betsy’s marriage. Oh, speaking of which, great work of your hubby to sign two fools to lose to Us No Good Bastards in OCW. Dare I say it, he's just copycatting the brass here in the XWF. He saw Lane and Theo put lame ducks up against us and he followed suit.
TK takes off his hat and starts fanning Bobby with it because he’s heated up.
[bwo][/bwo]
That’ll fucking show us!
TK rolls his eyes and waves away the notion that either of these teams can beat the Bastards.
Lycana, seriously, I will give you some credit, you don't have an ounce of quit in you, but I'm pretty sure Marf is getting mixed emotions here. He's submissive as all fuck to you and has to watch you get dominated over and over again like you can't get enough of it. If it's a spanking you want, go hit up Charlie Nickels or one of the other perverts around here, we’re just going to swat you with a rolled-up newspaper and rub your nose in the carpet after you pissed all over the ground again.
For the love of three-pound, fourteen-ounce, baby Jesus, we can be doing anything right now and still whip that ass. Christ, last time we fought Lycana we cooked some fucking eggs. When Bastards cook eggs, we do it better than Centurion ever could.
Bobby and TK give their remarkable no-look fist bump. A cigarette girl walks by and winks at TK, handing him a stogie. TK gives her a pat on the hiney and gives her a wink. She giggles as she skirts away.
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never sells the XWF to Lane.![[Image: 3bGFc8F.png]](https://i.imgur.com/3bGFc8F.png)
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