======λςΦςκλιφρ$Σ ηΦω======






























---BEFORE Jim and Arcana met Acockalypse Now at the docks...---



Arcana baby?


Yes lovebug?


I was wonderin'...maybe we don't hafta use a time-travelin' pirates' galleon to get back to the source 'a Lord Dick's mojo. I mean, time IS of the essence amirite? War Games approaches, if there were any way you could help us lifehack this-


Not a good idea baby. Chrono-magick is highly unstable and- She trails off at the look Jim- big ol' pussy that he is -levels her way...









Oh I can't say no to you...like ever. Jim flashes her a devilish grin as she initiates a series of complex light-trailing hand movements in the air, a lot like Dr. Strange but this is reality, not fantasy. Otherwise we'd look like a buncha feebs.


Bring everybody else along sweet cheeks.


Arcana "draws" a pocketwatch in light, the icon spinning swiftly into a blur as blinding illumination extends outward in all directions, enveloping them and our very own POV---






Arcana blinks and gazes around at her very un-1969 surroundings...


...In fact, the time would seem more or less present day judging from the skyscrapers and the vehicles on the streets. The place however...


Victimville, NY, she observes on a nearby city limits sign? Jimmy, we-


But Jimmy isn't there. He's gone, where, we may never kno- Oh, there he is!












































Caedzilla stomps towards Victimville. With a 'zilla rawr- Arcanaaaaaaaa?? What gives??


Oh Lords...I maaaaay have warped us into an alternate timeline/dimension. I wonder if anyone else made it?


As if in response, the earth quakes from the opposite end of Vville, an ape of titanic proportions approaches...






































King Dong roars- How is my penis slightly smaller this way?


Caedzilla cries back- Hey, I don't even HAVE a penis this way!


So essentially you're unchanged.


All eyes turn to-








































Oh HA HA Nedly, everyone knows DAMN well I have a big fat cock. Fuckin' dope btw, 3-headed King Nedra?? Where's Geri?









































...........this is so stupid.





"Kings (and Queen) of the Monsters" an Acockalypse Now Adventure





Voice amplifying magick. Everyone! I'm working up the return spell RIGHT NOW! In the meantime, play your roles as the Universe requires!


Mighty Moth Bitch shrieks. What the hell does that mean? Fight eachother?


Sad pathetic fuck stumbling around drunkly. Can someone tell me what to say here PLEASE? I- King Nedra's massive foot flattens him.


I swear that was Robert Main. I mean, obviously not THE Robert Main because that'd be cheating, but a reasonable facsimile.


Oh shit... Hey baby? When I asked if ya could bring everyone didja literally bring-


Everyone, yes.


Tiiiiiight. Let's KILLEM AAAAAAAALL!!!


King Nedra's three heads lower, maws wide, to the streets below to scoop up three chicks, one of 'em Shawn Warstein. The other two appear to be an ET with Impossibly small tits and a clown with a blue wig and NO XTREME TITLE. TROLOLOLOLOL. Fuck you Lycana.


No one can kick MY ass! Not without an overdose of children's Tylenol! I'm unSTOPPAB- Caedzilla squashes Marf with his mighty tail.


Hops out with his arms raised. SURPRISE!! And what a surprise it is as Charlie squishes between Caedzilla's reptilian toes.


Ready? Set? GOIN' HOME!


Yoink! King Dong plucks a pissy rain cloud Dolly Waters up and chows down. Tastes like failure. Oh and what have we here?


King Dong next snatches up a- Holy shit... -VERY heavy fat fuck somehow rappin' while simultaneously suckin' down any and all biteable matter in his proximity. Inexplicably, even the mighty monolith of monkey has a hard time lifting him. And when he DOES drop him into his mouth-


-he finds him impossible to swallow, rotund planetoid stuck firmly between his jaws.


Catches the action. Oh shit, Bobby "The 'Betes" Bourbon! Ha! Still darin' fate to take a foot off, 'ey fatass? Careful my Captain, he's a mouthful 'a dogshit.


Allow me.


Mighty Moth Bitch picks Bourbs from King Dong's mouth- nearly drops to the ground at warp speed -and has a helluva time flappin' him up to a nice height from whence she drops him-


-to a spectacular splatter below. Christ what a mess. She then turns her wings to a quintet of assholes (Chaos, NKWC, Estrada, Dixon and Oswald) and unleashes hurricane force winds, blasting them all across the city to smash through the walls of a distant Special Education schooling center.


Alias, perched atop a skyscraper, rubs his hands together enjoying the slaughter. Yeeeees. Eat them. Eat them all.


King Dong snatches him, dangling him above his yawning gorilla gape.


Hey! I've still got a thousand prewritten metaphorical masturbatory stories to upload!


Eat Alias. And he does so. Urp. Excuse me, that was incredibly filling with a hacky aftertaste. I guess quantity really can trump quality.


Hey gang the return spell is ready!


One more sec, love...


Caedzilla turns his attention to Thad, Fury and TK all arguing over who best can copy Caedus and unleashes a rainbow laser death sequence of his own-



















-reducing them all to a cloud of carbon dust.


K, we can go.


With a FLASH, Acockalypse Now vanishes.


Dock and Corey look on, still among the living. As they high-five, they notice a curious shadow spreading across Victimville. Turning their attention to the heavens they spot a skyscraper teetering their way, with no escape, severed by Caedus's 'zilla breath.


Well...que sera sera, amirite?


FIN
∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆



Shit

Shredder







Marf... Did I hear you correctly? You can't wait to get your hands on THIS "mouthy fuck in a non-poisoned state of mind"?


Thaaaaat's right, pussy. Keep remindin' us.

Everyone, just an FYI: Marf is tougher than all of us. Marf can't WIN but in every other way he's better than us. We can't smash Marf's hard workin' head out 'is ass but HE can absolutely take a hard workin' Micheal Graves, a guy I personally know is tougher than Marf, to squash city. If anyone ever slaughters Marf it's 'cause he was poisoned. Not an off night for him. Not any of us bein' at our best. Poison. Do I make myself clear!?

Hey Marf?


How many times have you had your balls sad empty nutsac handed to you here? It didn't "take the full match" to beat you, APEX just wanted to enjoy beatin' on you before beatin' you. And fuck a "fraction of a man", you consistently lose while at 100%, prick.


We all kick your ass all the time, who needs poison to put YOU down?


Y- 😂 You- 🤣 You actually think anyone needs anything other than to be drawin' breath to beat you down? Not to mention: WHY? Why poison YOU when you've been such a fantastically submissive slit for the roster, the groupie gash we all stretch and pass? You're fine the way you are sweetie, we LIKE when you struggle and you always make us laugh when you find comfort in the fact you're a jobbin' bitch by choice who "don't care 'bout wins and just likes to hurt people".


Now shut the fuck up and get back on all fours you credless loser, as your Alpha I command you! I'M the one mountin' a 'Cana associated with your Dissentients circle, not you. Get the fuck on your hands and knees in the middle of our War Games ring and wait there quietly for your Alpha to arrive and the penetration to begin, bitch.


I own you.


In fact, I own all 'a you in Charlie's army. You unbelievably spineless pack 'a pissants, you and everyone else pullin' the ammo embargo shit on me displays how afraid you all are to get into it. Idgaf that you're all gonna get to it in round 2- and you certainly are -the statement's already been made:



The Carnies are cowards for Caedus.



And why not?


Who's the real ringmaster here by comparison?


- I already put you AND your hairy magick mammy down, Marf.

- Main, in Leap of Faith 2017 while you were throwin' a bitch fit at the bottom I was kickin' Chaos's clit from the rafters to win the match. Hell with how long ago it was, you ain't nowhere near the titan you were then.

- Dolly, despite your best efforts it wasn't you walkin' away with the briefcase in Lethal Lottery 4, it was me. And like with Main, it don't really matter how long ago that was, you ain't been the same Dolly since.

- And finally, your captain Charlie I just choked the fuck out in Central Park for the K-O win.


If I were any 'a you, I'd be tremblin' too.


Still...I can't help but feel disappointed when ya finally took your shots KNOWIN' I came at you and ya gotta catch up now...


Dolly, ya seem to understand pretty well what I'm sayin' despite the usual desperate horseshit you and everyone else likes to claim about me. I'm off my meds, limp-dick diatribes (mind not legit verbatim usin' my style?), saaaaaaame ol' shit while you whine about people sayin' the same ol' shit. I won't own what, Doll', rapin' opponents with my laceratin' linguistics ya butthurt Kentucky fried fuck-up? Don't hate me, hate yourself for not tryin' harder, honkey hack. Own bein' crazy? Where tf you been bitch? I mean besides swingin' from my nuts in your cold starts before I flicked you fleas from my sac.


No one gotta "copy" shit unless their names are Robert Main, Dolly Waters, RL Edgar and Thunder Knuckles. And we ALL know that's the case. You wanna stop the attacks on your hiatuses typical Waters flake outs? Stop flakin' out, pussy. Simple. Soon as you stop providin' the ammo, we'll all stop nailin' you on it ya peckerwood weak link.


You accusin' me of imaginin' APEX thinks 'a me as a traitor betrays just how little you pay attention...y'know, to that whole graveyard bit a few Warfares back in which my loyalties fell into question...like a perceived traitor. Lol. Perhaps if you spent less time brainstormin' your next brilliant excuse for dippin' out and put more time into researchin' shit that seems to have leaked out the crack in Main's skull, ya might have somethin' valid to hit me with.


You never left the XWF of your own accord, ya left because I spoiled your self-proclaimed "Dolly's time" in LL4. I showed you the door and booted your ass the fuck out. You were never the same after that, never on fire like ya were before I pissed all over your self-absorbed belief the Lottery was aaaaaaall about you and your very Charlie Nickles-like lameass surprise reveal that Buronan was Dolly (is it any wonder Waters are known to work with Nickles now? Pick a hero who ain't a proven loser Char). All that effort. All the lies. They amounted to Caedus killin' your momentum and heart. Oh, and a participation award with the 3-way SOTM. 'Cause if Dolly don't get a pat on the head she'll break into tears and bawl backstage.


And FTR, Main came off the draft first because Charlie is a dipshit cunt who thought it meant an auto win for your team. Pretty sure ain't no one gonna call that an empty accusation save for a pack 'a pissants known for dickless denial.


Everything about you and your history, much like your unc' RL, is a clusterfuck to the nth degree. Remember Ally Worsted? That was a humdinger... I kicked Ally Worsted's no-showin' ass too you "ingenious" wielder of anagrams. You shoulda stayed as supporting cast for Continuum, cracker cumdumpster, you're more outta your mind and unable to keep up with reality now than you ever were.


Face it, you just suck at this Dolly and you rarely finish anything. Start now and finish your career. Retire. For good. Or I swear to God I'll end it for you.


Again.


And speakin' 'a asshats in need 'a retirement...


'Ey Bob-O.





Question...


Why is it whenever you have a new partner your trash talk changes in kind? It's like since Cataclysm 90% 'a the time (we'll go ahead and ignore that amazing shit you shot at Thad in your third promo before Warfare) when solo you swing the basic boilerplate Robert Vain coma-triggerin' twattery but when you have a partner or partners, suddenly you're a lot more coherent, colorful and killer. Page apparently seems to feel the same way about you.


Jam that middle finger I know you're flippin' up your ass, it's more apt; you clearly fuck yourSELF.


You forgot who tf you were before I ever came back and I've watched you essentially fucktard around parroting whomever you're closest to in the moment, ya monkeyass marionette.


I wanna say I appreciate your lack of attack but you didn't do it for me. You did it for you. Coward. You didn't wanna rile me up and unleash the hell I'd bring (and you failed btw). You were willin' to let your team take me on FOR you (what a FUCKIN' shock) and for that they should be kickin' your ass while you snooze through promos.


Sleepin' on me.


Literally.


You'll regret that...and ya most likely already do because-


UT OOOOOOOOHS... The Mainiac is channelin' The Monstrosity!!


Anyone but concrete Robert Main 'cause let's face it, Robert Main can't handle anything but his own miniscule fetus phallus. Jimmy Caedus never had to be anyone but 'imself. YOU Bob-0 (not O, ZERO), you gotta cook with someone else's spices bc you're as flavorless as wet white rice. Your greatest successes in the XWF revolved 'round my absence seein' as you can't shine with me beside ya. You SOUND better...but you damn sure don't shine.


Never blamed anyone but myself for my fuck-ups you incompetent ignorANUS. Keep tryna twist shit to sound good though, I'm as untouchable to your criticisms as originality is laissez-faire for you.


Tell ya what Robert...regardless 'a what happens in War Games, afterwards ol' Jimbo here is STILL gonna be available to support you in EVERY. WAY. I told ya, this is strictly business. It ain't my fault you fucked up. It's yours ya botchin' bitch.


Period.


Own it like I own you.


For now...


I promise I'm gonna cut those puppet strings and garrote you with 'em 'til I've severed that balloon head clean off and kick it to heights you'll never again experience.


For my team. For my captain.


And speakin' 'a captains...


Didja call me "old timer" Cap'n Cuck?





Lol, stfu.


03-03-1979 is your birthday Charlie. You're older than I am and you look like it. Imagine that, an asshole teamin' with Waters after Waters and has problems keepin' track 'a dates and ages. You're 42 but you look 70 in your Thrax promo reveal and B&W photos don't help your case, old man. Keep referrin' to me as old timer though you cocksucker, it totally works. Your trigger attempts are as laughable as Rel quitting in response to you announcin' another surprise for her on Warfare...the same Warfare in which I legit knocked you unconscious. Boy, I hope that surprise wasn't s'posed to be YOU defeatin' ME for HER.


SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!! TROLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!


Jesus H for "Holy-cuck-Chuck'll-never-fuck" cunnyless Christ, your career in the XWF is a dropping Blue Blazer on infinite loop. How DARE you bring that image to our minds- now I'm REALLY gonna get savage on you in the match. Best thing about it is, I can flat out kill you and you'll just reincarnate and pop up later like whack-a-mole pack-a-hole for us all to keep ballin' so it ain't murder!


You don't scare me Charles. Ya never would've, ya never will...and when Acockalypse Now has survived your Carnie cuckolds you'll finally start to understand who should be fearin' who here.


And on the subject 'a my team...


I've heard a whole lotta limpdickery out there, people avoidin' aimin' ammo my way and cuttin' on Acockalypse Now in the process as if we ain't shit and "poor Jim stuck with that lineup".


I'm sendin' each and every one 'a you that said that a portion 'a the C Diff. ice cream I have in my freezer. With any luck you'll all be shitting all over eachother at War Games, Crimson Dong will appear, spontaneously joy-detonate and take you all to fecal Hell with him.


To be aligned with Dick Powers and his disquiet riot of a mouth like an alliGator guttin' you all is an honor. Geri Vayden, former Shooting Star Champ, clap-backin' ball-buster, an honor. Nedly Kaye, two time Hart Champion and former APEX PROPHECY MEMBER...an honor. Not to mention, a fraternal bond in the making.


We may not be jackin' off with "not at all old hat" kidnapping antics while Main sleeps the rest of his career away waitin' for cue cards, or droppin' super insightful and intimidating metaphors about mugs (led by "thoroughbred" big fish bully Captains über pussy enough to target guppies like Andre Dixon as opposed to opponents more on his level. Psh...pathetic sociopathic bitch, you forgot your shame and class when you came outta the closet), or a team with Chris Chaos ('nuff said), or a team with Reggie Estrada ('nuff said), or a team outweighin' the rest of us combined by a metric ton 'a diabetes, swagger-jackin', fake beltS (hell yeah Big D, fuck Fury) and the vacuum 'a talent and personal hygiene that is Money Oswald...but at least we ain't all 'a the above.


We also ain't the two teams with such stupendous cohesion they lost a draft pick and re-upped with toxic caustic cunts like that geriatric jag-off sCent of a Gassy Asshole- HOO AH -and Atty's toddler dicked, APEX disrespectin', fugazi gladiator- by which I mean


BIG FUZZY PUSSY


-ex, Shawn "I can't handle 🔥 women" Warstein. Ding.


Nah, we're Acockalypse Now.


Win or lose, we're stiff competition and we'll be buttfuckin' Faptastic four-flushers for sure.


XXXDXIXEXXXDXIXCXKXHXEXAXDXSXXX

Shout out to Gator/Noah Jackson for this kickass banner





~XWF ALL TIME TOP 50 - #6!!!! <3
~Efed Podcast Top 100 - #74 w/no Twitter (all credit to you, fam, 🙏 <3)
~XWF UNIVERSAL CHAMPION - 2x
~XWF XTREME CHAMPION - 2x
~XWF TAG TEAM CHAMPION w/Chaos then Engy, w/APEX x2 - 3x 
~XWF 24/7 Briefcase - 3x
~XWF Trio Tag Champion w/Ax3 - 1x
~XWF Television Champion - 1x (undefeated)
~XWF Federweight Champion - 2x
~XWF Triple Title Holder - 1x (TV, Federweight & 24/7 case)
~XWF Double Title Holder - 5x (TV/Fedr, Uni/Trio, Tag/24/7, X/24/7 & Uni/Tag)
~XWF 2017 Lethal Lottery IV Tournament winner!!
~XWF 2017 Leap of Faith Rafter Match winner!!
~XWF 2017 2nd Annual Doc D'Ville Shove-It Rumble Co-Winner w/Chaos!!
~XWF 2017 War Games Co-Winner with Rob Main & Drew Archyle as APEX!!
~XWF Feb. 2017 J. Federweight Scramble Winner!!
~XWF January 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Like a Moth to the Flame"
~XWF February 2017 Star of the Month!!
~XWF March 2017 3-Way Star of the Month!!
~XWF September 2017 RP of the Month!! - "Lions & Tigers & Caedus, Oh Shit"
~XWF July 2021 QOTM!! - line from "Took It All"
~XWF October 2021 RP of the Month!! - "This Just In" audio
~XWF November 2021 Star of the Month!! (3rd time!!!!!!)
~XWF Match of the Year 2021 w/Bourbsy!! - X-Treme, Flynn's Audio Shove-It


---Love Me, Like Me, Hate Me. No Worries---

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