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Agent Orange · (06-25-2013)

DALLAS WRESTLING UNIVERSITY – HOUSTON, TX

The Dallas Wrestling University, where Agent Orange trained, is in session with Agent Orange himself as a guest instructor. A New York news studio is filming Agent Orange’s instruction at the school for a piece on the XWF invading Yankee’s Stadium for this Wednesday’s Warfare. The kids, 18 or so, are similarly dressed: black gym shorts and a D.W.U t-shirt. Agent Orange himself is wearing his wrestling uniform with a D.W.U. shirt over it.

The video shows Agent Orange working with new students: hitting the ropes, chain wrestling and working a crowd from the inside of the ring. The slams look brutal, the locks look painful and you’d swear someone was being tortured in the middle of the ring. With each painful bump or wrestling hold comes a sage word of advice from Orange, explaining something profound from his career.

Juliette Santiago (Voice Over During the Video): This Wednesday two of the oldest sports in this country’s famed history come head to head. The Xtreme Wrestling Federation will be following Yankee’s baseball this Wednesday with their “Warfare” program. There are a lot of big stars playing for the Yankees as well as wrestling for the XWF. We had a chance to talk to one of the new-comers to the XWF; a veteran in his own right: Agent Orange

The video cuts to Juliette standing beside a terribly sweaty Agent Orange

Juliette Santiago: Agent Orange, this Wednesday, the Xtreme Wrestling Federation will be holding their Wednesday Warfare wrestling show at the Yankee’s Stadium after the Yankee’s game, what would baseball fans hope to see from XWF wrestling.

Agent Orange: Well, as a fan of the Astros since I was a kid, I can tell you that they can certainly expect boring baseball. From the wrestling, they are going to see heart-and-soul athletes putting their bodies on the line to settle scores, to win hearts and to exceed expectations.

Juliette Santiago: Now, you are in a match shortly after the game, can you tell us about that?

Agent Orange: Sure. My manager turned to drinking, hard drugs and got me in a match with two losers who couldn’t make it in Amateur Wiffleball, let alone professional wrestling. These guys are your textbook examples of why parents and sports teams shouldn’t give every little kid who “tried” and “made an effort” a trophy, because they develop unrealistic expectations of success. So now I have to be the bad guy and deliver a group beatdown to guys who got a participation ribbon for playing third string kickball.

Juliette Santiago: Those are some pretty strong words, can you tell us about your opponents?

Agent Orange: Well, the first guy is named Death Merchant. Dustin Hoffman and Tom Cruise starred in a really nice movie about his life; I think it was called “Rain Man.” Anyways, Death Stench is this guy, who is debuting like me, and he has the charisma of a child molester. He’s been appearing on camera with some wench named Eve. Eve and I went to high school together, we knew “Eve” as Brandon back then and to the credit of “her” surgeon, he worked miracles on that gender reassignment surgery considering that Brandon looked like he’d been beaten with a hot sack of ugly. Death Sack and Eve have been saying that my career is over, that he’s a maniac when he’s angry; pretty much regurgitating lines from a bad episode of Jerry Springer.

Juliette Santiago: …I …I don’t know how much of that we can use in the report, but what about your other opponent?

Agent Orange: The other guy’s name is Jack Kronus. The best way I can explain this guy is that M. Night Shyamalan lost a bet and had to write a movie that combined elements of an 80’s goth band, a bad Van Damme movie and a crappy rock music. Someone stole that script, took out all the good parts and then called it a Jack Kronus promo. He runs around with his partner Jewelry-box and they ride around in a green van that’s been set on fire and they solve mysteries every week with their dog Scooby-Doo. Personally, I can’t make heads or tails, but they are a shining example of why kids shouldn’t do drugs and should stay in school.

Juliette Santiago: Oh my. How do you expect the match to go?

Agent Orange: Honestly, styles make exciting wrestling matches. My father was a wrestler in a Texas border town, so he adopted a lot of the Mexican Lucha Libre style and passed that style down to me. I like to utilize a lot of high flying but like to keep it grounded with technical holds. Death Sandwich is a big guy who has the grace of a brain damaged goat, so expect to see a lot of me avoiding grappling with him, namely because his home aroma is urine and I’ve got a weak gag reflex.

Jack-and-Jill has a style that is a healthy mix of “can’t wrestle my way out of a wet paper back” and “I learned everything I know from the best of John Cena DVD.” His style is very uninspired and he’s more concerned with his sexual affixation with riots than the fact that he’s in an actual wrestling match. All in all, I couldn’t ask for an easier match, even if I went to “Bob and Jim’s Trampoline Wrestling Federation.”

Juliette Santiago: So you think you’re going to win on Wednesday?

Agent Orange: I’d bet Eve’s plastic girly parts and her fake cans that I’m going to win on Wednesday.

Juliette Santiago: Agent Orange, while you have our production team busy with censoring your interview, is there anything you’d like to say to the fans or your opponents?

Agent Orange: To the fans, I know you guys won’t be disappointed in the show. We’re working on bringing you guys a great night of sports action. To my opponents: personalities take years to develop, come back when you’ve got one. To whomever the Yankee’s are playing, please win!

Juliette Santiago: There you have it, folks. Wednesday Warfare at Yankees Stadium this Wednesday after the game. Agent Orange will be in action and we can’t wait to see it. For WCWW News, I’m Juliette Santiago.

Fin.

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