Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles, Them No Good Bastards, are making quality programming for the masses it seems.



Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a musical. A night of the arts, of song and dance, real high class shit.

Based on this...



That's the source material.


ALTERED BEAST: THE MUSICAL

The scene opens in ancient times. Greek columns, broken in half, are spotted as a haze fills the sky. Times are dire and dour, it would seem, as monsters and creatures little the landscape. From high above, we see the visage of Zeus himself. In a perfect soprano, he begins to sing as dramatic synth-wave reggae plays in the background.

The time of mortals is at hand.
As frail and fragile as can be.
The monsters that flood this periled land.
As far as my own eyes can see.

Caaaaaaaaan you see it?
Aaaaaaaaaall along the plains?
Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiithout a single reason or rhyme
Evil has swept the land once again, in the end.

I said...

Caaaaaaaaaaan you seeeee it?
Aaaall, all along the plaaaaaiiins?
Wiiithoooooout, a single fucking reason or rhyme
Evil has come to meet it's end in the end, once again.

Fallen no more wake from your rest.
We need a hero strong and brave!
I need you to save my daughter, you are at my behest!
Hear me now, RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!

The background shudders and a grave plummets into the earth. As it does, we see our heroes, Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles. They look kinda skinny, but tight, like they have swimmer's bods.

Oh fuck, look I'm back
I see clouds and sky!
Time to fuck shit up and summon
MY INNER MUSCLE GUY!

Bobby and TK start walking confidently to their right.

I know what I must do
I will walk to the right!
And as long as I continue
I will continue to fight!

These creatures and these beasties
Enough to make me sick!
Well I roughs them and out toughs them!
With a right cross or shin kick!

Bobby slugs a two headed glowing dog and touches some glowing boondongle that flies out of it. He doubles in size.

I will not be outdone, my friend
Destiny has called us at this hour
We will continue to throw down hard as we can
And demonstrate all of our power!

And I know what I must do
I will walk to the right!
And as long as I continue
I will continue to fight!

TK kills a two headed dog and earns a power up, now sharing the same massive physique as Bobby.

I got strong now watch my power
Momentum is just the physics to cynics and critics.
I ride those waves when they come
So filthy I'm shunned by syphilitics in clinics.

Bobby shin kicks another glowing two headed dog. He becomes his normal massive self. TK does same, and becomes overly huge.

I've got the backbone the ball sack the will and the temptations
Coming on behalf of the entire Xtreme Wrestling Federation!
With an arsenal so massive it's like Batman's machinations,
Ladies and gentlemen of the class listen now and take into this consideration!

OH WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO!
WE MUST KEEP WALKING TO THE RIGHT!
AND AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE
WE SHALL CONTINUE TO FIGHT!

As both men finish harmonizing, Bobby slugs another glowing two headed dog and grabs some glowing thingamabob, and turns into a wolfman! TK smashes a thing and goes full werewolf too!

I'M A FUCKING ANIMAL!
A BEAST, I'M A CREATURE!
THE THING THAT'S A MAIN ATTRACTION,
GRAB SEATS I'M YOUR FEATURE!

It's hard to just imagine
Moments ago we were deceased!
Now we're saving some girl
In the form of an Altered Beast!

With our animalistic power
There's no challenge in our class!
Don't you step up to stop us
Don't call us furries, we'll kick your ass!

We are Them No Good Bastards
Legendary heroes on our path!
We're here to do some damage y'all
And create a monster's bloodbath!

OH WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO!
WE MUST KEEP WALKING TO THE RIGHT!
AND AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE
WE SHALL CONTINUE TO FIGHT!

TNGB make their way through a horde of monsters, and approach a creepy old bald man in a black cloak. He sings back at Bobby!

I'm here to curse the mortals
The time of humanity is through
I will usher in a new age
And end to all virtue!

I shall summon all my monsters
Demons and devils all you find!
To destroy the mortals littering the land
Death to all of humankind!

I shall stop you feeble champion
And your soul I will consume
Come now and face me, wretch!
WELCOME TO YOUR DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

With that, the creepy looking bald guy morphs into a massive column of clay with the head of a demon! TK and Bobby in werewolf form look ready, and start shooting fireballs from their fists at it!

Your plan to stop us won't work!
You will release that dude's daughter
We will whoop your ass super hard
It will be a slaughter!

We are the chosen heroes
Enemy to the sick and vile!
We will defeat you, you odd weird baldy
With our bad ass werewolf style!

With a pair of mighty fireballs, the beast starts to blow up!

OH WE KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO!
WE MUST KEEP WALKING TO THE RIGHT!
AND AS LONG AS WE CONTINUE
WE SHALL CONTINUE TO FIGHT!

With that, the bald creep laughs, and we see Bobby and TK revert back to their human forms! We see a visage of the bald creep holding a young girl hostage!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tales of Money!

Watch the tale of a piece of XWF currency collected by the Relentless Legend, Thunder Knuckles himself. This week, we watch the exchange of Xbux from one frivolous and the same plain guy who has a t-shirt maker and no good ideas for it, all the way to Thunder Knuckles in exchange for, well, you'll have to tune in!

Only...


ON BOBTUBE!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see Bobby as a bear now, and TK is a dragon. They're still walking to the right and looking for a fight. Yadda yadda.

You know, that was a helluva opening number, my friend.

Helluvindeed, sir. Now, we're in the bear and dragon forms, so I guess we cheated or something, but that's cool. I'm actually pretty sick of singing, actually.

But you said this was a live musical about Altered Beast.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but a musical about a game from thirty-three years ago that didn't entirely age well but is still entertaining. I mean, we went straight from the source material for a while, now we're doing other Altered Beast shit. Not like Chris Page, no, he's another Beast entirely, or is he? Or isn't he? Maybe, who knows, he's no creature of violence.

I mean, we get it, Morbeedo, good to see you again, brother.

So, let me get y'all reacquainted with ole' Morbid over here.

For starters, Morbid had a necklace of dicks he wore everywhere collected from opponents.

I am a bigger dick than anything you've had anywhere near your neck.

Seems he's gone very Christian, which I suppose is nice. Looks like he exchanged the God Shot for a shot with God!

The monsters surrounding both TK and Bobby all stop as Bobby does NOT lead into the cheery rendition of 16-Bit-Hellscape, the Tony winning number.

Morbid is more legend than actual talent and he fucking knows it.

Go sit down. You got your little revenge game at the end of Warfare. Good for you. We unleashed the most daring attack in XWF history like the fucking no good bastard outlaws we are!

Tell 'im TK, I'm getting pissed!

Bobby snorts as he looks off camera, the thoughts of the chair shots left by Morbid and Mastermind on he and his partner lingering. TK looks at the camera as he reaches into his pocket.


It's alright Bobby, Ol' Thunder Knuckles, got you.


Thunder Knuckles looks over and gives Bobby a thumbs up and then back into the camera, his eyes go.


Went and had to fucking piss off the big guy, huh? Well, don't for one fucking second think you two mealymouthed, mother fuckers, are getting off the hook. MasterMind, fucking really? This guy has been gone since fucking October.


Thunder Knuckles gives his one-of-a-kind jerking-off motions, for the camera, on a Bobby Bourbon promo.


See that, MasterMind? We just made promo history. Anyway, I'll let you read about that in the future. When you finally fucking realize what that means.


Thunder Knuckles pauses to really let that sink in for MasterMind.


Fucking gone since goddamn October, but honestly MasterMind. When was the last time that name meant a fucking thing? It was long before fucking October. I'll have to fucking ask Jimmy, he'll let me know, he always fucking does. I'll fucking get back to you on that one.


Thunder Knuckles realizes he's starting to get off track.


Quiet fucking frankly lining yourself with someone you beat may be the dumbest goddamn thing I've ever heard! Somone so fucking god awful that MasterMind, himself, beat them. Give me a fucking break, I'm mean for fucking real, you have to be shitting me. As my man, Bobby Bourbon touched on this dude, what's his fucking name? Morbid Angel?


Booby still pissed off nods at Thunder Knuckles.


Well, if what Bobby is telling me is true, this shit for brains had dicks on his neck on purpose. Like, this dumbass, thought that shit was cool. No, mother fucker, it makes you look like a goddamn goon. Not even a fucking smart one, mind you. You all know what had to happen when he stepped between the ring ropes, right? Come on now, be honest Morbid, did one ever bounce up and hit you in the mouth? I bet you it did! In fact, I'd put ONE HUNDRED xbux that it was Peter fucking Gilmour's dick that did, he is a fucking legend after all.


Thunder Knuckles winks into the camera, with a wicked grin.


We are.


Thunder Knuckles pauses for effect, grin still intact.


Those are two mother fucking words that aren't just going to crush you but it's going to shape us too. What we fucking say after, we are, is what we fucking a) believe, and b) control our goddamn decisions.


Thunder Knuckles hold out his closed first then lifts his pinky finger.


We are POWERFUL! Whatever the fuck we want, we will achieve.


Bobby begins pacing back and forth behind Thunder Knuckles.


We are DETERMINED! No fucking line stepping, blast from the past, moronic fucks are going to stop us.


Bobby is still pacing but gives out an audible snarl.


We are FOCUSED! And our eyes are set firmly on those two goddamn tag titles. Speaking of which.


Bobby punches his hands together as he continues to pace.


We are THE NEXT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD! So, after we take this unlikely pair of fucking idiots, and trash their fucking chances. The XWF fans around the world will witness. What we're really fucking capable of by trashing those fucking Cuntinuum pricks, but we're not being paid for that today. Oh, no, right now you have to settle for the mediocrity of fucking MasterMind and Morbid Angel. So, sit back, grab a bag of popcorn, folks. Enjoy the goddamn show. Because come Wednesday night, LIVE on Warfare, it's going to be fucking brutal. Thad, I know you're watching, Corey I know you're sleeping, this is your wake-up call, mother fuckers. Your end is fucking near.


Bobby's pacing intensifies, as does his grunting.


But first, we are-


Bobby's pacing stops and he walks in front of Thunder Knuckles, effectively cutting Thunder Knuckles off, and yells with a ferocious growl to his voice.



GOING TO WHIP YOUR ASSES!


Thunder Knuckles pops his head off to the right side of Bobby Bourbon and says,


That pretty much speaks for itself, fucking doesn't it? There is so much goddamn more to what we are. Definitely compared to you two fucking pretenders, well, because your story is just that. Pretend. Where ours is manifest fucking destiny.

Bobby places a hand on TK's shoulder and nods silently. He looks intently at the camera.

Morbid, I gotta ask, really fucking simple, and I'll ask really fucking slowly so you can understand every last word I am saying.

What's stopping you from getting a tag team championship opportunity at the dollar store knockoff XWF you dimp around in? Fuck, man, that place is a kiddy pool; mostly urine and shallow. I don't see you praising Jesus in any way over there, it's still Victory Forever like it's twenty-fourteen all over again, shit, why don't you clarify for the kids in the back of the class who never heard of you, who is the real you? Is it the doofus with the work ethic of a beached whale telling himself he's good enough for Victory Forever while being the dark messiah, or the stagnant fart stinking longer than it aught to have while telling himself he's redeemed for Jesus?

Fuck, Mastermind, you've been gone for months, like TK said, and I guess you weren't good enough to make it over in the bargain basement for Morbid to give you a call? Shit, that'd have been Morbid's bread and butter right there, not even an active, standing Champion tag team, you guys could have been handed the belts after a segment where we go through John Taffer tantrum porn for the fifth time in an hour.

Oh, wait, they aren't booking shows anymore anyhow. Silly me, I guess that's why Morbid never called you up.

Flat out, boys, this isn't some land of fucking play time. We aren't some fun excuse of a team here to get jostled around harder than Mastermind's little band of Misfits, if y'all want to show up and say "hey look, we're a flavor of the month tag team" and watch, after we put you down at Warfare you never fucking team again because you ARE a flavor of the month tag team, then go do it at a fucking discount car wash. Not here.

Not against Them No Good Bastards.

Speaking of which, Mastermind, have you checked in on the Misfits lately? It looks like they've gone and done themselves a bother at Savage, about to get beat up facing Demos and Jim "I'm Legit Cooler Than Mastermind" Jimson.

Man, what kind of shitty t-shirts are you going to unveil for us too?

How about one that says "I've been gone since October, I better team up with Morbid since he seems more famous than me!"

Ooh, how about one that says "I reveal these stupid ass shirts before every match like people actually want them!"

I know, I know, I got the perfect one; "Homemade t-shirts are so much cuter when they're made by Girl Scouts."

Christ almighty, we are so much better than these two!