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B.O.B. D · (02-09-2021)

My lawyers advised against holding a wrestling camp for kids after what happened the last time I was around children( http://xwf99.com/showthread.php?tid=34192&highlight=Big+d+goes+to+school for those of you who need a refresher, before assuming I pulled a Graves or somethin'). I reminded them, as I had the teacher, the principal, AND the judge, that I was NOT responsible for that; but apparently SAYING you're not responsible for something doesn't ACTUALLY mean you're not. Despite this, I insisted the tragic events of that day could've been avoided had that kid known the proper way to put someone through a table, as opposed to the teacher's solid oak desk. And when THAT wasn't enough to convince them to let me do it, I reminded them of the oldest legal loophole in the book, something I'm surprised not even THEY had come up with themselves................. waivers.

I rented out a gym at the local high school to ensure a wider profit margin, charging everyone $50, each, for the day's session. To my delight, around twenty kids, ranging from ages 8 to 12, were able to convince their parents to waste........... I mean, invest their money into their child's future. It's not like any of them were gonna go on to become President, or discover the cure for cancer; no, most of them would likely turn to a life of crime, selling their bodies, and drugs, in order to stay afloat for a few more days. Luckily for them, there were better times ahead, thanks to me!

I stood on the other side of the gymnasium doors, getting myself pumped up like I would an actual wrestling match. As I popped up and down on my toes in preparation, one of my lawyers approached me.

"Are you shyure this is a good idea?" a worried Mr. Goldstein asked, taking off his black Orthodox hat and placing it over his chest.

I placed my hand on his shoulder and chuckled. "Of course I'm sure!" I reiterated. "We've got waivers, Marty! Ain't nobody gettin' sued with waivers........... come on, now, you're the lawyer, you should know this!"

Mr. Goldstein's rosey Jewish cheeks perked up, his concern gone. "You're vright, Mr. D," he said, putting his hat back on. "Sorry for doubting you."

"Heh, maybe y'all should be paying ME $200 an hour for solving YOUR problems!" I joked, receiving a look of terror from Mr. Goldstein, before motioning for the sound guy to play my pre-recorded introduction over the speakers.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the beginning of the rest of your lives," my own voice echoed throughout the gym, receiving a thumbs up from my lawyer. "Some of you may die, while others will find themselves crawling back home to their mommies within a manner of minutes........."

Mr. Goldstein put his head in his hands and made his way for the exit, having no desire to take part in this potential train wreck any longer. I wasn't worried, afterall, I had my waivers and that's all I needed. Besides the Universal Championship, of course.

[b]"But the few of you strong enough to survive will find yourselves among elite company," the recording continued, getting the kids mire hyped with every word. "Standing glorious among the greatest Champions if the sport................."

The anticipation was growing, as this small group of kids had the gymnasium rocking like a crowd of parents at one of the basketball games, except less swearing. Way less. Finally, past me gave an introduction SO glorious, it would've been deserving of my Universal Title entrance.

"Put your hands together for the greatest wrestler to EVER grace, not only an XWF ring, but the squared circle as a whole....................... YOUR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG D!!!!!!!!!"

"X-Men Theme" by Powerglove began to play as I burst through the doors....................... to about 20 little 'boos,' immediately throwing me off. Rather than do the elaborate, XWF style, entrance I'd planned, I threw my hands up and approached the group of adolescents.

"What's wrong?" I asked, eventually making my way over to them, where I stood between the bleachers and ring I'd paid a group of illegals to set up(because, profit margin!!!!).

"We thought this was Chris Page's camp!!!!!!" one of the younger kids in the back shouted with disappointment.

I was a bit taken aback, as well as a little offended. "Why the hell would you think THAT???"

"Because it said we'd be learning from the Universal Champion!!!!" another one insisted, holding up one of the fliers.

"Ohhhhhhhhhh!" I exclaimed, finally realizing their mistake. "If you'd have read the fine print, you would've seen that it ACTUALLY says the future Universal Champion, but the current."

The entire gym filled with groans as a few of the kids got up to leave, only for me to remind them, "Your parents already paid for this and there's no refunds," forcing them to lazily turn around and head back for the group.

"I may not be Universal Champion, yet, but I AM the World Champion," I pointed out, proudly patting the plate of my belt.

A boy in the front row held up an old school replica of my Title. "So am I!" he spouted, sarcastically, garnering a gymnasium full of laughter in response. I put my hands on my hips, wondering if the $1,000 I was making from this venture was worth the verbal abuse.

"Ha, ha, very funny!" I spoke, solemnly at first, before changing my tone to something a bit more drill sergeant-like. "But if you're here for jokes, I suggest you walk out that door, go down the hallway until you've reached Room 101, and sign up for the [b]Comedy Club instead!!!!!"

The little shits' demeanor instantly changed upon the shift of my own, getting them to shut up and sit in attention, almost as if I actually was a Marine drill instructor.

"That's better!" I barked, pacing back and forth. "Now let me tell you something, it doesn't matter if it's Diamond Dallas, Hangman, OR Chris Page............ NOBODY knows this business better than ME!!!! You don't see CCP putting on 5 Star Classics night in and night out, do you?!"

[brown]"YEEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!"[/brown]

"Exactly, NO!!!" I reiterated for them, forgiving their undeveloped brains for not understanding what REAL wrestling was all about. "But you put ME in the ring with just about anybody and I guaran-damn-TEE you it'll end up on their 'Best Of' DVD. And if they weren't originally good enough to GET a DVD, then Big D gave 'em a reason for one. How many stars have you seen Chris Page make?"

"Thunder Knuckles!"

"Thaddeus Duke!"

"Shane

!"

"You Wednesday night!"

"Right!" I exclaimed, ignoring their smart ass comments. "None!!!!" A few of them rolled their eyes as I turned towards the ring, climbing up onto the apron and through the ropes, inside. "Now, who's ready to get in here and become the next Big D?!?" Not only did none of them jump for joy, I'm pretty sure a few of them actually scooted BACK a couple rows. "Anyone?"

I heard literal crickets in response, making me wonder why any of them even showed up to begin with(Page aside, of course). As much as I'd hoped to pass on my knowledge to the next generation of XWF superstars, I wasn't gonna stress myself out over their lack of enthusiasm. If they wanted to sit in the stands and stare at the ring 'til their parents arrived, I wasn't gonna stop them. The checks had already cleared and been deposited into my account, so there was no going back at this point.

Finally, after a long drawn on silence, a little girl(the only one from what I could tell), raised her hand and shouted out a question before I could even call on her. "Can you show us how to escape the Page Plant?" she asked, receiving some murmurs of approval from her peers. "Or the High Times?" The group of kids grew louder upon hearing the second move request.

"I would but then I'd be giving my strategy away," I lied, unsure of how exactly to avoid either move. "And we wouldn't want that!" The kids sighed, showing their lack of patience. Before I could lose them anymore than I already had, I made a vague suggestion in the hopes of drawing them back in. "Hey, what if I show y'all something not even the great Chris Page knows how to do?"

"Beat Robert Main?"

"Lose to you???"

"Escape the Foot DDT?"

"Bingo!" I jolted with glee, ignoring the previous kid's unflattering response. "Chris Page might not know the intricacies of how to escape Thunder Knuckles' 'devastating' finisher, it I do!.................. SO, who wants to get in here and help me with my demonstration???"

Their hands flew up, damn near all of them, with alot of them trying to raise their hand higher than the kid sitting next to them. I chose what looked like the three oldest ones and had them join me inside the squared circle, an honor I'm sure none of them took lightly. I positioned the first two across from one another and had the bigger of them hold onto the other's foot, as though he was readying for the Thunderstrike. Then I went over to the third child and had him hold onto my foot, as though he were about to do the same thing.

"Alright," I began, doing my best to stay balanced. "Since you're all SUCH gigantic Chris Page fans, I'm sure you all watched him lose to TK and know what the Thunder Strike looks like, right?"

[brown]"YEEEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!!!"[/brown]

"Okay, good," I continued, turning towards the kid who had hold of my foot. "This is gonna seem complicated, but if you listen carefully and closely, you should be fine. All you gotta do is.........." Without any struggle at all, I pulled my foot away from it's captor, nearly yanking him down to the mat in the process. "Pull your foot away."

I looked over to my co-demonstrators, who looked a little nervous about being put on the spot with such comprehensive instructions. Not wanting them to lose confidence, I had the third kid grab hold of my foot once more and repeated my explanation. "Pull your foot............" Once again, I yanked my foot out of his clutches. "...........away!"

The child with his foot being held looked down his leg and made a sound similar to Tina from Bob's Burgers. "You can do it!" I encouraged, mimicking the motion, with air this time. "If you wanna be better than the Universal Champion, all ya gotta do is: pull your foot away."

It got to the point where I was repeating myself like Spongebob when he was teaching Patrick how to open a lid, constantly demonstrating how simple it was to escape a DDT to the foot.

"Just pull your foot away!"

"Pull. Your foot. A-way."

"Your foot. Pull it away."

"Away."

"Away."

"Just pull your foot................. AWAY!!!!!!"

Finally, after about a dozen or so demonstrations, the kid felt confident enough to try it himself. "Just pull my foot away............." he echoed my sentiment before successfully pulling his foot away and celebrating the feat. "I did it!"

"You See THAT?!?" I triumphantly shouted. "So simple, a twelve year old can do it!"

"I'm eleven!" the kid corrected, making it that much worse for the Universal Champion.

"Even better!" I declared, before switching focus to the next task. "Now, who wants to learn how to put someone through a table............ the correct way?!?!?"

"Chris, first and foremost, I'd like to thank you for taking it upon yourself to verbally ass rape me, as opposed to ACTUALLY ass raping me. My butthole and I sure do appreciate it! That being said, are you REALLY tearing me down the way you think you are? I mean, everything you've said is nothing I haven't heard before. My Title reigns don't matter. I'm not entertaining or on your level. Jesus, Chris, you might as well have copy and pasted your lines from every other promo anyone's done on me.............. INCLUDING my allegedly "fake" promotions................"

I paused for a moment, thinking about all the hard work I'd put in to achieve the very successes my opponent had the audacity to call a lie.

"If NWF never existed, if I truly WAS making up my accomplishments....................... why the hell wouldn't I have given myself more World Title reigns?!? What kind of dumbass would pad their stats with MY history?.............. a big one, that's for sure! But, since ALOT of people seem to think the D in my name stands for 'dummy,' let me direct you to a website that proves exactly how real NWF actually was: https://www.tapatalk.com/groups/nwfewres...t1700.html "

"Do I expect you to respect me any more knowing NWF ACTUALLY existed? No. In fact, I fully expect you to tell me that World Championship was nothing, the same claim you've made about my current one, and that it was your typical, run of the mill, Indy Fed. I wasn't born yesterday, Chris, as I've already said: I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE!!!!!! And while you are correct in claiming it's no longer in business, that doesn't take away the blood, sweat, and tears I shed to accomplish everything I did there! Just because you're ashamed of YOUR past doesn't mean the rest of us have to be! As a matter of fact, I'm proud of each and EVERY belt I've ever had, no matter how small it may have been."

"Do you wanna know WHY those promotions no longer exist, Chris? The NWFs, WWFs, 420 Wrestlings, EGWs, LCW AND NLCWs? Because they didn't know what they had in me. Sure, you see a glorified Indy star(if that) who never quite lived up to his own hype............ but how the hell am I supposed to live up to that hype without ever having the opportunity to??? Do you know how many shots at those Feds' top belts I got? Have you ever asked yourself WHY Big D's entire career has been filled with nothing but lower to mid-card Championships?!?! It's because I've never been given the chance to prove I CAN compete with the Charlies, Lacklans, Soldiers, Engineers, and Lux's. You blame ME for my lack of opportunities, but you weren't there, you don't know. I held three, count 'em, THREE God damn belts at the same time in WWF, and do you think I ever got a World Title shot for it?!? In case you haven't heard it the million other times I've said it, I'll repeat it one more time, just for you................... the answer is NO!!!! That's been the story with each and every Fed I've ever been apart of; I walk in, dominate the undercard, never receive my due justice, and walk right back out. Each. And every. One. Why else would I have such a laundry list of Championships from so many different places? Because I get so fed up with coming in and having to start at the bottom of the food chain, AGAIN, that I give up and move on to greener pastures............. only to find out they weren't any greener than the previous patch of grass!"

"But XWF's been a different story and, you're right, Chris, I could've taken the opportunity to compete in the Battle Royal at High Stakes................. if I hadn't been apart of MANAGEMENT at the time! See, what you viewed as me jackin' off on Savage was actually me RUNNING the place, a higher honor than holding EITHER of our belts, at least in my eyes. As for the Internet Championship, what can I say? The big wigs weren't gonna stop me from competing on a show nobody cares about; as a matter of fact, I'm sure Vinnie actually appreciated my appearances. Hell, he'd probably let Smokin' Bob and Atticus White go at it if it meant two more people wanted to be apart of his floundering brand. Can't say I blame him, ever since I left his show's been nothing but BOB, Kenzi Grey, a superhero, and a failing politician. Now that Lacklan's back, I expect the ratings to tank twice as hard. I carried that show, just like I carried Savage as General Manager, and I'm GOING to do the same for Warfare. Once Smokin' Bob sees the numbers after our match, he's gonna apologize for the Christmas Warfare and beg me to defend the belt on his show. And you know what? I'm gonna forgive the fat fuck. Because I'll finally have what him and his 'random drawing' robbed me of that night................. the Universal Championship."

"This isn't just AN opportunity, it's the opportunity; one I've been waiting for my entire career. No bullshit Number 1 Contenders Match, no third wheel to lose the match FOR me............... just Big D and the Champion. One on one. Chris, I know you think choosing a boring old wrestling match is supposed to be an insult, but I honestly couldn't be happier! I've never been much of a hardcore guy, porn aside. It probably has something to do with me being a basic bitch, but what can I say? Starbucks and technical wrestling for the win!"

"I saw the Match Madness poster, decorated with all the Champions............. well, at least most of them. Obviously the Anarchy ones were missing because, like I said, nobody gives a shit about Anarchy. It's the big foot of XWF. But the fact the second most important Title holder was nowhere to be found, all the while Page's ugly mug shines damn near front and center, is sickening. I'm gonna wipe that stupid smile off your face, Chris............... as a matter of fact, I'm gonna wipe your face completely OFF of that poster, and replace it with MINE!!!!!! Wednesday night, we're gonna find out who's REALLY out of the other's league. when I walk away with BOTH the Universal AND World Heavyweight Titles. And when I do, you'll wish you'd chosen a match type where Robert could carry you, just like he has your entire career! And that ain't no story, it's the Cold Big D Truth!!!!!!"

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