Them No Good Bastards, two of the most blistering mouthpieces in wrestling today.

And they can't even do that.

THE SULTAN OF SWEETTALK

The romantic comedy is a hallmark and a staple in the film industry, it goes without saying. The tale as old as time, boy meets girl, girl meets boy, awkwardness ensues, it's so basic and formulaic just because it's a notion as old as film itself. Often mirroring real life, only without the devastation of actual rejection or the all too frequent need for therapy or police intervention, Rom-Coms, while not loved by anyone, still pack butts into seats.

The fact Them No Good Bastards are making one is, really, just obvious.

On set, we see Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles. A robust film crew surrounds them both as well as extras. Both men are seated at a diner booth opposite each other. From off camera, we hear the voice of the director, Miss Fury.

Action!

A waitress approaches Bourbon and TK in the diner. She places a cup of coffee in front of each man. Bourbon grins as he sips from the mug, and abruptly spews whatever he put in his mouth out.

What the fuck, this isn't even coffee!

Cut!

Miss Fury walks into view.

I know it's not coffee, Bobby. You're acting, act like it's coffee.

But you couldn't get, you know, actual coffee? Half the crew is drinking it right now!

Bobby, this is our chance to get noticed by the Splat networks. Think about it, Atara is all over that shit.

Yeah, maybe, but, ugh, we should be doing a buddy cop movie, not a Rom-Com. And with real coffee!

TK looks down into his mug.

What is this?

Herbal tea.

Isn't that, like, more expensive than just coffee?

Thank you!

Miss Fury throws her hands up in defeat. She takes both mugs away from the table.

Reset, and Action!

The waitress approaches the table and drops off two mugs for Bobby and TK. Bobby looks at the mug suspiciously and then directly at the camera.

Well, it's a good thing that we're in Los Angeles, having breakfast, and discussing the date you went on last night.

Yep, I'm sure glad we're checking off a few spots on the ole' Rom-Com bingo card myself.

Bourbon, with much trepidation, barely sips from his mug.

So, how did it go?

The date?

No, the trip to Australia, you doofus. Of course the date!

Eh.

Bobby looks kind of blah about the whole of it. TK nods.

What happened?

Well, I picked her up at seven, we went downtown and grabbed something to eat, then we went ice skating.

That sounds like a fine time!

She was ninety-one, dude, you didn't tell me you were setting me up with someone who voted for Eisenhower.

She's experienced.

Experienced?

Yeah, she dated lots of celebrities.

Who, Elvis?

I think, and Jackie Gleason.

Well, she broke her hip ice skating, and she kept telling me about her great grandkids.

Damn dude, well, nobody bats a thousand.

With that, TK's eyes roll back.

Oh, fuuuuuuuuuck.

He shudders twice.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I was just doing a Harry Met Sally.

You faked an orgasm?

Yep.

I guess that just got knocked off the bingo card.

Bourbon sips from his mug. He looks less than pleased.

So, I take it you're not going to see Ethel again anytime.

Nah. What I want, bro, is someone with more spark, more pep, and more life to live. I want someone who's not afraid to dance on the edge of a knife and...

Bobby shakes his head.

Who fucking wrote this?

Just go with it.

No!

Seriously, Ozzy spent like a couple mil on just writing staff. We even got Ol Parker.

The fuck is that?

He wrote The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again.

The fuck are those?

Romantic comedies.

I hate romcoms.

Damn, bro, tell us how you really feel!

You know what I like?

I like Atara Themis. She's vibrant, and real, and pretty. She's celebrity, and proud of it, and she goes out every time she can to grab whatever she can get that'll give her more exposure. She has drive, and an unmatched ambition. Maybe, just maybe, given all of that, someday she'll be a great and accomplished wrestler. She's easily in the top five people I've ever teamed up with. With her, the sky's the limit, and I really have to admire the fact she always finds another star to reach out for. I look forward to the competition she brings to the table at Savage, and commend her for her will.

I like Betsy Granger. She's extremely talented, both as a performer and an athlete. Pound for pound, Granger has every tool needed to go out and become the Universal Champion if she's willing to reach out and grab it.

Yeah, both of y'all are pretty, but I can't abide just going out there and saying 'congratulations for your face', that seems shallow and pointless.

I don't know how to woo, or be romantic. If I were any good at it, I'd be married and have a family by now instead of being a blood-crazed, barbaric gladiator hucking bodies hither-dither. Most of the women who've been in my life were either extremely patient, until they weren't, or just as crazy as I am, maybe both.

On that note, all due respect ladies, but like my partner, I'm actually kinda pissed at Karen Hunt right now.

Not for booking us against y'all. I love good competition, and as much as I dislike the thought of outright smashing two women who have a total combined weight of less than me...

Oh I would definitely smash them.

Not like that, bro.

I mean, yeah, Betsy could definitely get it. That woman is an absolute work of art, but as attractive as she is I would also dig getting to know her, maybe talking shit about how lousy a meal is, watching something brainless on a screen, and getting cozy on a blanket just talking about what we see in the sky overnight, picking out our favorite stars, maybe even having that comfort of holding her, my hand just on her navel, and maybe a swap with hers on mine as we take turns as the big spoon and talk about everything and nothing, letting the whole world exist around us as a means for our own dialogue and commentary.

That's actually romantic.

Whatever, I dunno, I don't...

Bobby purses his lips. Either something about Betsy has him very befuddled or he completely does not get intimacy, maybe both.

Look, flat out.

This is huge, and it isn't getting anywhere near the hype it deserves.

B.O.B. versus Legacy on XWF TV.

And not a fucking peep about it.

Bobby gets up from the booth.

Where are you going?

Bobby stops and turns to look at TK.

I dunno, probably to some shithole of a bloody bucket bar or pool hall to pick a fucking fight. Fuck this.

Bobby tromps off. Miss Fury rushes up to the booth as TK slides out.

Go get him.

I'm not letting him go alone.

This is an order. No bullshit. We need you to keep tabs on him. We don't need him going off and fucking everything up, not right now.