The shot is focused on our intrepid hero Corey Smith, sitting side by side with Coreytopia resident Christian, on a large beach towel. They’re both wearing button up Hawaiian style shirts, board shorts, and naturally the ensemble is topped off with a lei about each of their necks. Just behind them is a beautiful beach scene. The gently rolling dunes seem devoid of people, leaving nothing but a clear shot of pristine sand eventually giving way to gorgeous Cerulean waves beneath an iridescent sun. It’s an amazing scene. Or it would be, if something didn’t seem a little bit off about it.

Yo dude, want another non alcoholic Luau Punch?

Absolutely!

Corey reaches back into the cooler just behind them, and pulls out the Luau Punch without spilling a drop, almost as if this move had been practiced. Christian takes the drink and reclines on an elbow.

Hey everybody, Corey Smith here with my friend Christian. And we are stoked to be doing research on my next opponent Hawaiian Hardhead here….from BEAUTIFUL HAWAII! He throws his arms out excitedly. I’m sure that I will gain a glut of insight into the guy by osmosing….

Is that even a word?

Sure! Anyhow, I’ll gain some insight into what this guy is all about by osmosing the culture and vibrancy of these magnificent islands. And….

Dolly Waters casually walks into the shot. Her face is a little red, and she appears to have been sweating.

And Dolly has also joined us in Hawaii!

Her brows furrow. What are you idiots doing?!

You may have to be more specific.

Why did you turn the thermostat up to 90? We’re DYING in here!

Oooohhh, THAT. Wait, you're from Kentucky shouldn't you be used to the heat?

That doesn't mean I want to experience it when air conditioning is readily available!

Alright, alright! I was just trying to mimic the conditions in Hawaii as closely as I could so I could get into Hawaiian’s Hard Head.

I watched a movie called Hawaiian Hardhead once.

Ew!

Oh no, no! Not like that. It was an old Pauly Shore movie.

EWWWWWW! Dolly seems a touch past flustered by this point. Well, this little mental exercise is done! The temperature is getting set back to normal human levels, and this backdrop is going back to whatever low budget photo studio you bought or stole it from.

The shot pulls back to reveal that this entire scenario has been occurring smack dab in Corey’s generously sized bedroom. And indeed, the gorgeous scenery was nothing but a Sears family portrait backdrop they had sold off as part of their bankruptcy proceedings.

Way to ruin the immersion! Geez!

Dolly, resting on the doorframe now, slicks back her wetted hair. And “way to engage in even more inane bullshit to avoid any semblance of anxiety provoking thoughts."

Corey holds his hands out. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Where did that come from?

Why are you avoiding Thad’s calls?

I’m not avoiding him. I just...ya know...got rid of my phone.

She looks incredulous. You “got rid of your phone”?

Yeah! And...PSHHHH...don’t you guys realize how much time out of our day we waste staring at these stupid little screens, when we could be out here, in the moment, enjoying the camaraderie of good friends as we pretend to be in a tropical paradise?!

For the record, I had nothing to do with him getting rid of his phone. Christian chirps, in between sips of his virgin punch.

Dolly shakes her head wearily. Corey, he probably thinks you're disappointed in him because he lost the Universal Championship.

Of course I’m not! He blurts the words, as though Thad himself was there ready to be consoled.

Then what’s the problem?

The problem….Corey speaks the words, but they soon trail off. Christian seems to be looking on with interest as Corey seems to battle something internally. The problem is….

Ya huh? Dolly’s arms are crossed as she awaits the formation of a coherent thought.

The problem is….Corey’s face puckers with worry. For a moment, he seems lost. He licks his lips nervously, winces, and then finally faces up to Dolly again. There is no problem. I will call him back as soon as I get a new phone.

You can use my phone in the meantime.

I….I CAN! Corey can’t completely hide the fact that he’s inwardly damning Dolly’s problem solving skills while presenting an eager demeanor. With a pained smile he shoots Dolly a thumbs up.

But for right now, I’m turning this damn heat down. She rolls her eyes and sighs as she backs out of the room.

Corey turns to Christian as soon as she leaves. What do I do? His voice is timid and unconfident.

Christian takes a moment to run his finger tip across the lip of his sweating glass. What we talked about. His inflection is rich with something unknowable that must have passed between the two. Some deep seated conversation, intimate, and personal. All the while begging the question, when did Christain and Corey’s friendship develop to that point? I think you should tell Dolly.

I can’t. It’s too weird. I don’t know how she’ll react.

With a dramatic grunt of exertion, Christian picks himself up off the beach towel. Glass still in hand, he looks at Corey pointedly. Remember what I said. The brain knows what the heart refuses to consider. Tread carefully. I'm here if you need me.

Corey picks at the towel aimlessly. Yeah..yeah….then, looking up. We still on for yoga class later?

Wouldn’t miss it for the world. He doffs his glass in Corey’s direction as if to say “cheers” before he too departs. Corey lets out a little exhausted sigh before reaching back and grabbing a not at all Hawaiian bottle of root beer out of the cooler. He takes a deep sip from it, “ahhhh’s” in satisfaction and gives the camera his “it’s go time” look. You know the one.

Well aren’t I a lucky boy! A pretty lady and a piece of XWF history in the SAME MATCH? Mind BLOWN.

Now obviously Hardhead, you’ve got me at a bit of a disadvantage. You’re from the long, long ago, a time from which all records were mysteriously purged. So all I’ve got to go on really is your speech from Snow Job (we’re gettin’ there) and the fact that you are of Hawaiian descent. And what do I know about Hawaii?!

A quick close up on Corey’s face.

FUCK ALL!

And back to a normal shot.

Well, that’s not completely true. I know some things, but they’re all filtered through the lens of old sitcom “vacation” episodes. You know what I’m talking about, the episodes where the cast goes to some awesome “filmed on location” getaway. We’re talking Growing Pains, we’re talking Saved by the Bell, we’re talking Step by Step, we’re talking Full goddamn House, baby! They all went to Hawaii! And they all learned valuable life lessons along the way about family, and love, and how sometimes the soul mate you find on a tropical island is a relationship just not built to last into next week’s episode.

Corey gets a sad little thousand yard stare thing going. But he snaps out of it pretty quickly.

Anyway, so yeah! And all the Hawaiians on all of those episodes seem like really chill people. Now maybe I’m being a bit stereotypical here, maybe a bit presumptuous even, but the TV rarely lies! So why is it all those Hawaiian’s seem so happy and you seem like you’re living with a persistent testicular torsion, HH?

He looks at another camera as an aside.

Better be careful, we’re one H away from a hell of a lawsuit.

And back to reality.

Man you are a pissy dude! But why? If the XWF announce team is anything to go by, you’ve actually had a pretty decent career. I mean, stop the presses, FORMER XWF OWNER?! Damn! Although, if you’re the one who turned the keys over to Shane , I think I’d keep that to myself if I were you. He mouths “yikes”.

I gotta admit, even I was a little psyched to see you walk down that aisle at Snow Job. I mean, it’s not everyday that somebody from the Land Before Time makes a grand return. I knew you would have something interesting to say! Something unique, groundbreaking, monumental! He tosses his arms out for emphasis. And then, he mellows, which rapidly dips into a lethargic looking frown.

Only to find out you’re just another crusty old goober who wants to remind us all of “the way things should be”. Why, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that old chestnut, I’d….well, probably be as rich as I am now. But look man, I know the nostalgia effect is a thing. Everybody thinks their era’s music was better, their era’s toys were better, their era’s genital shaving practices were better (au naturale is a-ok and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise).

But were they really better, or did those things just so happen to coincide with a time where your adolescent brain was starting to explode with new synaptic connections? Now HH, I realize you weren’t exactly an adolescent when you set foot here, but I think you get my drift. Nostalgia is rose colored glasses on HGH.

But to me, the most unfortunate thing you said was that “you didn’t want all these youngsters here”. Corey raises his eyebrows and points to himself as he leans into the camera and hisses I think he’s talking about ME. He jerks back and sends the camera a side long glance. Well, Mr. Head, as one of the XWF’s preeminent youngsters, I take issue with that. In fact, I take issue with this whole notion you seem to have that the only things worthy of your respect are things known to you. And, while you’ve been gone this past decade, who exactly do you think kept this company going so you’d have an XWF to come back to? Probably a lot of young guys who don’t matter, right?! His face goes flat. Hyyyuuup.

And that’s an especially idiotic position to have for a guy that was once an XWF owner. Fresh, young talent is the lifeblood of any wrestling company. Your legends will only last so long before backs give out, or arthritis sets in, or dementia makes them forget how to tie their shoes and void in a place that isn’t their pants. You NEED someone to replace those legends of old, or the money that you talked about stops coming in, the company goes stale and stagnant, and it DIES.

But then you know what? One day those young guys will become the old farts and have to pass the baton to another crop of newbies and on and on and on….it’s almost like...like…

He looks off into the distance.

🎶…..the CIIIIIRCCLLEE OOOOOOF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE! 🎶

He belts out a tune that is, to put it generously, sheer tympanic torture.

Come on guys, cue up the Lion King song!

The camera operator is silent for an awkwardly long series of moments as Corey does his best to look doe eyed and imploring.

….no.

He smacks his teeth and waves his hand in an “oh, forget you” gesture. No fun! But HH, all kidding aside, that’s just how the wrestling industry works. And it is immensely disrespectful, short sighted, and ignorant of you to treat those who came after you as insignificant just because you don’t know who they are. So I hope you don’t throw your back out as you pull the ladder up behind you because you’re going to need every fiber of that vaguely paste like frame fully functional if you’re going to have a hope in hell of getting past me.

Oh yeah, that’s right! Because it turns out I’m pretty good at this too! I got a tag team championship here that I just successfully defended at Snow Job. Oh and I PINNED JAMES RAVEN.

Corey smirks and chuckles.

Boy I really hope he hears that….

He claps his hands together and grimaces.

And, well, there was this dark period where I was controlled by a malicious artificial intelligence and won the Universal Championship. But there’s A LOT to unpack there, so maybe lets not.

The overarching point is this! I bet you’re seeing some wet behind the ears, scrawny, yet undeniably attractive young man and thinking “this is fresh kill.” He shakes his head “no”. I am not fresh kill. You’ve been through a lot? Oh please tell me all about it. Please tell me about the calloused, cranky exterior you’ve formulated over years of hardship, please tell me about that.

Because I’ve seen some shit too.

I even put my hands in it. Rolled around it. Positively STINK of it. He clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes. Kinda regretting this metaphor now, TBH. Corey shakes it off with a shrug before plunging ahead.

But here I stand. Toughened, but not calloused. He rubs his skin. Baby smooth! He coos.

Here I stand, chastened, but ready for more.

Here I stand, young, fresh, and hungry and eying up a big ol’ lion who’s gotten a bit slower, a bit stiffer, a bit more cynical….and who just came back to the savannah thinking he’s still King.

I’m not playing the song.

I wasn’t gonna ask! Corey retorts impetuously. He breathes out a discontented sigh before proceeding.

You got a lot of learning to do, HH. There’s a lot of talented young men and women in that locker room that you’re gonna think are beneath your notice. I just hope you learn a little humility before that vaunted legacy of yours goes tits up because “Grandpa was too stubborn to learn how the internet works.”

The tenor of his expression changes a bit now, and he lights up the room with a big smile.

And Savannah, GRRRRRRL, rest assured I did NOT forget about you. Let me first welcome you to the XWF….finally. I heard a rumor you signed a contract months ago but that Snow Job was your first appearance! What, did we scare you off? Oh come on, we’re not that bad. Well, Charlie Nickles is. If “surly” was a smell, well, he’s it.

But I did catch your promo for Snow Job, Savannah. The old sucker ‘em in with a smooch, nail ‘em in the gooch, eh? Heh heh...CLASSIC!

However, Corey looks a little befuddled now.

And then after that you….walked around. And did things. Presumably you were thinking thoughts all the while. Although I suppose that’s not exactly a GUARANTEE. Sooooo, yeah….you realize you need to talk in these things, right Savannah? I mean, ok, I guess some artsy fartsy types can get away with the whole silent promo dealy, but that was neither “artsy” nor “fartsy” I’m afraid. It was just kinda...dull.

But hey, there’s a learning curve to these things! So don’t beat yourself up over it. And hell, I’ll even give you some free advice! Girls with the “look at me I’m a hot chick” gimmick are a DIME A DOZEN in wrestling. This is literally the only form of entertainment in the world where big soapy boobies are played out. So, my advice? Don’t do that!

Corey waves his hand at the camera nonchalantly.

But who am I kidding! I’m sure you already knew that. I’m sure you’re gearing up to do something truly innovative and trailblazing here in the XWF! Probably with some insane genre hopping backstory with more emotional depth than your average Broadway production! In fact, I’m so sure you’re gonna blow us away with your commitment to unconventionality that the entire landscape of the XWF will be irrevocably changed forever! Savannah Knightly….iconoclast extraordinaire

Corey plays his hands out in the air as though he’s seeing the words on a brilliant marquee.

Now, some people might buckle under that kind of hype...that kind of pressure! But I’m sure you’re gonna blow us all away! I mean, you kinda have to now! Corey nods his head, and that smile from before becomes distinctly more shit eating.

Well, that about wraps it up for me. I look forward to what you guys have to say. Especially you, Savannah! Don’t waste that huge rub I just gave you!

Corey picks himself up off the floor with a big stretch. He starts headed for the door, where Dolly Waters is quick to catch him. She holds her phone out. It seems to be ringing.

It’s for you.

With a forced smile, Corey takes the phone from her. He clears his throat and answers it.

THAD! I’m sorry I’ve been so incommunicado lately, I seem to have, uh, lost my phone….

Corey’s voice trails off as he walks down the hall. Dolly watches him go. But then, Christian pokes his head out of his own door, trying to listen in on Corey’s conversation. Dolly’s eyes narrow at the back of his head. Something about her stare must have been sending a subconscious signal to the young man, because he soon turns about and notices her. With a quick smile and a glib wave, he disappears back into his room and closes the door.

...the hell is going on here…. Dolly mutters, before she too turns out of sight of the camera.