**January 10th, 2021**

Quote:“Just hold onto this until afte..”

That was the last thing Thunder Knuckles said before seeing a very familiar sight.





The golden escalator to Heaven. Thunder Knuckles knowing where he is, struts over to the escalator, unlike the first time he encountered this exact escalator. Once he reaches the top he waits in line, like everyone else. The line is much longer than it was in June. The United States’ handling of the Covid 19 pandemic surely has played a role in this. The man standing in front of him seems confused. Thunder Knuckles tries to strike up a conversation with the man waiting in line.


You look lost fucker! Do you know where you are?


The man replies nervously.


No, but I was in the hospital… I…


Thunder Knuckles happily spoils the man's surprise.


You’re dead, mother fucker! You’re about to be judged by Saint fucking Paul, my man! Well, once we get through this fucking line! Fuck is this thing longer than the last time I was here.

You’ve… Been here before?

Fuck yeah, man. Me and Jesus Christ had a fucking moment, bro. I couldn’t really talk though, rules or what-the-fuck-ever. Hell, I’m only fucking dead cause I had the Daddy of violence shoot me in the fucking head so I could get to talk to JC.

Who?

Top Dog! The Holy fucking Spirt! Jesus Christ!

So, you had your friend shoot-


Thunder Knuckles quickly cuts the man off.


Business associate.

So, you had your business associate shoot you to get to talk to Jesus?

Fuck yeah, man. Got a favor to ask him.

You don’t think you’re going to hell for that?

Counting on it, mother fucker! Plus, the music kinda blows here. You hear that right?


A voice can be heard now calling for the man in front of Thunder Knuckles.


Next.

Time to be judged, mother fucker!


Thunder Knuckles pushes the man in front of him to Saint Peter.


Adam Richards.

Yes.

It says here you gave most of your money to charities.


Thunder Knuckles overhearing this yells out.


Idiot!


Saint Peter recognizes Thunder Knuckles and looks annoyed but continues with Mr. Richards.


You are granted into Heaven.


The pearly gates open and a tremendous light expels from the opening. You can't make anything out once Adam Richards enters, it’s as if he disappears into the light. Knowing who’s next, Saint Peter, disgruntled says the new word,


Next.


Thunder Knuckles dances over to Saint Peter and holds up his right hand to try to get a high five.


Paul! What's up, mother fucker? It’s been a while.


It’s Saint Peter and it’s only been six months since you were here last. Most people only show up here once.


That's what I said and I know! You telling me last time that I’m a profit of Jesus got me thinking. Big Dog’s baby boy probably has me on the list to see him right now. Check your little fucking book, real quick, go on.


Saint Peter looks down at his book and smiles. Then he looks back up to Thunder Knuckles.


It says you haven't changed your greed for xbux. You’re still a womanizer. You continue to say the Lord's name in vain.


Saint Peter's smile begins to fade and continues to read to make sure he’s not mistaken. His smile is completely gone now and replaced with scorn as he grumbles the words.


But you’ve been following the 13th commandment and Jesus would like to speak to you. Take a step to your left.


Thunder Knuckles makes the same mistake he did the first time he came here and takes a step to the right. Saint Peter takes a deep breath and points to where Thunder Knuckles needs to be. Once guided into position another golden escalator appears.

Catch ya next time, Paul!


Thunder Knuckles walks onto the escalator with a huge smile. Once he reaches the top, Jesus is waiting for him.





Oh! Hello there, Thunder Knuckles. I see you had Barney Green shoot you in the skull. Normally that would be considered suicide and that would get you sent straight to hell, buuut, Barney didn’t wait like you were trying to ask him. So, technically, you were murdered. Bad Luck. You weren’t supposed to be back yet though. Wait… What is that? Your stream of consciousness is telling me that you need to ask me something? Now, normally this is a one-way street.


Jesus ponders on this for a few moments before finally saying.





Fine. I will grant you the ability to speak to me.


Jesus nods granting Thunder Knuckles the ability to speak. Which he instantly begins to do.


Holy fucking shit! I mean, goddamn! I mean, let me start over. Fuck!


Jesus smiles.


Anyway, I need to go to Hell!


Jesus seems to be confused; he's never seen anyone willingly wanting to go to Hell, once confronted with the fact there is a Heaven and a Hell.


You see, Peter Gilmour, told Ol’ Thunder Knuckles, that Unknown Soldier, was down in Hell fucking six hundred sixty-six million six hundred sixty-six thousand six hundred and sixty-six fucking virgins, and shit. The same exact amount of xbux he’s worth being sold! So, what I really need is twenty-four hours in Hell. Then you know, you can beam me the fuck up, Scotty, and send me back to my body, and shit. I have a match a Snow Job to get ready for and I told Barney I’d train him for fucking Anarchy so I have to make this fucking quick! Dead only a fucking day, okay?


Jesus doesn’t have the heart to tell Thunder Knuckles the unfortunate truth, right now.


I can grant you permission to Hell for twenty-four hours.

Also, can you maybe…

Go on.

Maybe, man, I don’t know. I really don't want to do this Hell thing alone. Anyway, you could have Bobby Bourbon come along with me? I mean, fuck! I’ll be surrounded by fucking demons and shit. Who fucking better to walk into Hell with? Am I right?


Jesus smiles knowing Bobby Bourbon is a good man. A man of the people. A man of values.





I’ll tell you what. I will grant this because for me, the son of man, to send Them No Good Bastards to Hell. All to find, the one and only, Unknown Soldier to wipe out a bunch of Satanists, Doctor Louis D'Ville, and Corey Smith for allowing The Engineer to escape the tortures of Hell. This is a win-win!

**Meanwhile...**

Bobby Bourbon is in a swimming pool making himself float while eating half of a whole hog’s leg or one full half of a hog’s leg. Bobby has an air fryer on a floatation device wading in the pool, next to him, as well. The timer goes off on the air fryer and Bobby goes for it.


Mmm, Chicken.


As Bobby reaches for the air fryer he fumbles and knocks it off of the floatation device causing him to electrocute himself. As life leaves his body, his bowels evacuate with so much gas that he’s just speed boating around the pool for hours.

DEAD!

**PREACH**

Tables, ladders, and chairs. A match that doesn’t know what it wants to be. Kinda like our opponents at Snow Job, The Disappointments. Got these pretend fucking satan worshiping cucks, running around trying to cause a fucking muck, like in that shitty Hocus Pokus movie from the ’90s, and shit. They want to be a tag team but what have they done? Singles or other-fucking-wise? Jimmy tells me the blue-haired bitch, Lycan, or whatever-the-hell her name is. She just got outsmarted by fucking Tula! I’ll say it again, FUCKING TULA! BOB’s bitch! After Boo-Berry bitch helps that cunt Tula win the Anarchy Championship. Tula played this bitch like a fucking drum and smashed her in the back of the head with a pipe!


Thunder Knuckles begins to laugh.


Tula.


Thunder Knuckles is still laughing.


Ahh… hold on…


Thunder Knuckles is beginning to compose himself.


Okay, okay, seriously. This blue bitch already got slapped around by Corey once in a tag match! Which one of those left-handed fuckers did she have as a partner? That's right, Ash Quinn. Is she even with you fuckers anymore? I can’t keep up, seriously, how many more of you goddamn rats are gonna jump off this sinking ship?


Thunder Knuckles pauses because he can’t remember her tag team partner's name.


Up next we got…


Thunder Knuckles is still trying to remember.


Oh, yeah! The HeavyMetalWeight attraction Barf! Gimme a fucking break! As a fucking team they just lost on fucking Warfare! To BOB’s very own Jenny Myst, oh, and that Alias guy. He seems cool, but looks like he'll blow his brain out eventually, just seems like the type. Anyway, back to the fucking no chance brigade. Barf is the big winner of the group, isn't he? Pinned Barney Green! That's an accomplishment in, and of, itself. Next time, I’m fucking certain the Beantown Brawler kicks his fucking teeth in and I’ll be there just yuckin’ it the-fuck-up. He also beat the breaks off Karren Overweight, Spider dipshit, and Mike at High Stakes.


Thunder Knuckles begins a slow clap that lasts all of four claps.


Well, Disappointments, your whole fucking mission is to take on, and beat, the best in XWF. Oh, and to be taken seriously.


Thunder Knuckles puts his hands on his hips with a frump face until it fades to his signature smile.


Well, dipshits, you bite off more than you can chew, come Snow Job! In one fucking night you can make or break yourselves. I'm fucking serious! Don’t fuck it up! You’re sharing the fucking ring with three goddamn legends, for fuck sake! I'd say four but Corey hasn't done shit! Now it's fucking time to get to the real meat and fucking potatoes, right guys? Come on, fucking think about it, Lux was TV Champion, one time!


Thunder Knuckles scoffs, and holds out two of his fingers, before turning it into only the middle one. Thunder Knuckles holds his middle finger out for exactly twenty-three seconds before speaking again.


The Engineer won the Universal Championship. What the fuck has Corey done? Fuck all, that’s what.


Thunder Knuckles cracks his neck and shoulders with a shrug. A shrug not like Shawn Warstein however, wouldn’t want to pay royalties and whatnot.


Lux, I mean, Corey Smith, totally not the goddamn Engineer. How's that come back going, bud? Looks like you finally got a belt of your own, huh? Oh wait, you’re a substitute for the Universal Champion. Damn, thems the fucking break, bruh. Speaking of the fucking breaks, when was the last time you heard from Vita?


Thunder Knuckles winks into the camera.


I'm just fucking joking, man. We all know she dumped your ass like a fucking bad habit for Noah Jackson. Was that before or after she smacked your ass on Savage? Fucking details, know what I'm saying? After that, you never were ever really the same, where you? Controlled by some time traveling lesbian bitch, then the Engineer, now your back! Just leave the show for a little bit and rebrand. Fuck, You should have come back as "Pretty" Corey Smith. You know, do a bad Rick Rude for the audience. I'm sure it would get over. It would be better than this polished turd, that's for fuck sure!


Thunder Knuckles begins to have a shit-eating grin.


Now! Moving onto the more fucking talented member of these, not the guys who won the tag titles, tag champions.


Thunder Knuckles gives his famous jerking-off motion, getting off the topic of Corey Smith.


Think it’s some kinda fucking coincidence that I'm looking for Unknown Soldier before Them No Good Bastards starting down on this fucking road, Doctor Louis D'Ville? The last man to hand you, your ass, If memory serves Ol’ Thunder Knuckles correct. You see that was a big-time in my life, mother fucker. Relentless 2019. Thunder Knuckles busts onto the XWF scene like cops at a high school kegger. I mean, fuck, how could I forget?


Thunder Knuckles's mind jumps because one year later something else happened.


Oh, and don't you think for one goddamn second that Todd isn’t hooking up the special effects on this shit! Not after what you did to his boy, Gator, at Relentless 2020. Not fucking cool, bro. Just saying.


Thunder Knuckles looks into the camera with a twinkle in his eye.


Don’t worry Todd. I‘m going to fuck these mother fuckers up real good.


Thunder Knuckles breaks the line of sight with the camera and continues.


I do find it fucking funny though, Doc. You, tagging with Corey. You win the tag straps with Duke. Then, the same night, Duke wins the Universal Title. The first fucking chance you mother fuckers get to defend those fucking belts, Duke, takes a back seat and in walks Lux, shit, Corey. Wow. Just fucking wow. What kinda fucking tag team is that? For all of fucking Crap-aclysm’s endless goddamn boringness. At least they stuck together like a fucking team. It’s fucking nonsense! You tagging with a fucking kid who was hi-jacked by the fucking Engineer. Don’t you at least want to punch that cunt in the face just once? Come on, don’t lie, mother fucker. I can tell you do.


Thunder Knuckles holds out his arms as if to make a grand marquee.


Doctor Louis D'Ville versus The Engineer: The Rematch! Fuck! XWF could sure sell a metric fuck ton of tickets to that! Don’t worry, Doc, when Corey gets in too deep, The Engineer will be back! You know that cancer-ridden fuck won’t stay gone long. Shit, who fucking knows? Maybe it happens at Snow Job. That’s something that slimy prick, The Engineer, would do. Have this young fucking punk gain your trust and BAM! Chair to your back, while climbing a ladder, only to fall onto a fucking table. That would be fucking something, wouldn’t it? Just saying, how can you trust this fucker? You can’t! I mean, Duke’s goodness wouldn’t allow him to turn on you, he’s a good fucking dude like that. How-fucking-ever, he would leave you alone to defend those belts you won together. Now that he’s too busy to defend those straps with you. Imagine what I would have said IF, Robert Main, would have done that. Let that sink in, my man. It's a fucking shame, is all.


Thunder Knuckles's cocky smile could light up a night's sky.


I’ve got the only dependable partner in this fucking company! Bobby mother fucking Bourbon! Ol’ Thunder Knuckles can take this wrecking ball of a man straight to Hell with me, and he’d still be by my side! A man of the fucking people! You mother fuckers better recognize the fact that Them No Good Bastards are walking out of Green Bay, Wisconsin, the goddamn XWF Tag Team Champions. Why? XWF fans around the world want it, number one.


Thunder Knuckles coughs the word "Bonus" quickly. You'd have to be sharp to have caught it.


Number two, Ol’ Thunder Knuckles wants his fucking hands on one-half of the number one contenders to Tag Team Championships.


Thunder Knuckles’s cocky smile is replaced with a douchey smirk directed to one man.


This must piss you straight the fuck off, Chokey. I know you’re watching.


Thunder Knuckles gives the middle finger to the camera.


You’ve been calling out the Tag Team Champions, and all Bobby Bourbon and Ol’ Thunder Knuckles, had to do was walk straight up and say no, back of the fucking line jobbers, and there you were. Waiting. Keep my belt warm, mother fucker. I’m coming for it. First things fucking first though, Them No Good Bastards, are gonna claim the tag titles and prove to XWF fans around the world that Ol’ Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon can do what Chokey can’t. Takedown the very best the XWF has to offer-


Thunder Knuckles rolls his eyes.


-and The Left Hand, but honestly, who the fuck couldn’t do that?


Bobby Bourbon enters the shot from the right.


I told you, The Relentless One's trash talk is as spicy as mine.


The scene fades to black on a very proud Bobby Bourbon.