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~~Wallace Witasick~~ · (06-25-2013)

A call with Mr. Witasick?

Step up to the plate, Neonero!

Ok, no no, I remember Satoshi Daiki. He’s the guy with a feng shui consultant following him around, keeping his dojo tidy, making sure he sits the right way before and after training, making sure his mirrors are angled right, washing his balls – exercise balls I mean – etcetera. Same guy, right? Don’t worry.

THUMP

Nero’s speech is interrupted suddenly, and we take in the scene. He’s laid back in a reclining chair with his legs crossed laxly, and from beneath his mask we can see his eyes rolling.

Norris, I thought you set that boom up properly?! Since you’re too decrepit to understand how a camera works I will have to touch this mess up later. What am I to do with you? I need to make this seem like a real phone call with Mr. Witasick, after last Wednesday’s events it’s become impossible to talk to him for real. I’m trying my hardest here to put over my meeting with him and you’re reducing this to a comedy of errors. Have some respect!

Well I...

Just stand behind the camera and don’t knock the boom again!

I..
Sorry si...

DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I’M IN CHARACTER YOU SCHMUCK!

...

We ponder days when Neonero and Norris enjoyed a much healthier relationship as employer and employee. It seems almost as though Norris’s gentle ways, yet sneering nose and gossip fuelled locomotion have finally taken their toll on Nero’s patience. Or perhaps Nero just likes treating Norris like dirt. Perhaps there is something deeper here, like you see in bad relationships where one half calls the shots, and does so in ever darker ways just so the other person wont dare leave or stand up for themselves.

Or maybe he’s just in a bad mood because Norris dropped the boom.

Hmm, maybe if I add some kind of fake video distortion after I say don’t worry...then come back with a shot of me looking shocked...ah I’m a genius. Norris, when life sends me lemons, I just send them back. I’m the one who makes people sour around here. And who is this ‘life’ anyway? He’s as ephemeral and underhanded as that old codger ‘time’. Me and time will be having words at some point, too much happens under that guys watch.

Ehh...

You’re right, you’re right. We should just keep rolling with the call.

Nero counts down from 5 to 1 with his fingers, as if cueing himself. Actually, it’s just a clever technique to save him time video editing later, instead of mucking about with start and pause, he can just set a marker after – oh, you’re right, this is unnecessary information. How bout that background music then? A Korean group singing in Japanese, what a clever choice huh! No? What do you mean its commonplace and the Japanese are growing tired of kpop on the whole? Oversaturated what now? I don’t like your tone. Back to Nero with you.

(2...1)

Whoa, the main event? Are you sure? Hmm I see...well, I’m obviously pleased you recognise my status as a main event player, above even Flynn and Satty...oh they’re on the PPV instead? Well that doesn’t matter. I’ll still take the compliment. Nero will carry the show in their abs...what? A baseball stadium? Double Header? Ichiro Suzuki? I have a headache.

Nero pauses from what we can only surmise is a completely fabricated situation, pinching his nose underneath his mask, squeezing his eyes shut tight and shaking his head.

Of all the ball games in North America, the only one I ever played. Back when I was still growing my first hairs on my....chin that is. Back in high school, to be precise. Always thought it was much more exciting than cricket. Never understood it as a spectator sport though. This is immaterial though, what you’re saying is in effect I am bigger than baseball, since I’m main eventing. That’s no small compliment Mr. Witasick.

Nero wipes a tear from his eye.

But I fear it will anger our international fans. If my fans in Korea and Japan knew I was promoting myself as bigger than their national sport there’d be outrage. Anarchy in the streets. Rice would fly, Wallace. You mark my words. Rice would fly. No, it’s better we keep ‘Nero > Baseball’ under the hood. Let’s leave it to the smarts to vocalise that and dig their own graves.

Sir, what’s baseball?

Norris interrupts, and immediately regrets his decision. But Nero reacts happily, grabbing his Kindle fire, rummaging about a few seconds, then throws it in Norris’s face off camera.

Allow Will Smith to explain.

Ah! Similar to Rounders?

Something like that yes. I’d compare it more to the mighty Wiffleball. Anyway, count me in Norris.

(3..2..1)

A pause. Nero’s eyes dart left and right, and he nods intermittently, as if he’s agreeing and taking note of Wallace Witasick’s strong words on the other end of the phone. Nero taps his nose (well, the mask above his nose) and winks.

You’re right. Satoshi Daiki is unproven at this level...it’s a big responsibility. I agree completely, this guy isn’t going to stick around for long if he finds out what the competition is like. It’s one thing beating no marks like Logan Hunter and The Punisher. I’m sure even he’s brought up puke more challenging than them. But the upper echelon here, your Mark Flynns, your Sattys, dare I say your Maddys, are going to eat this guy alive. I agree with your prognosis, Mr. Witasick. Toy with him like a cat toys with a dead bird throughout the week, and sell for him during the match. I think I will draw the line at letting him win, but I can give you ‘Vorsprung durch Technik’.

A car?

Nero simply ignores Norris’s intervention this time, which is probably the best decision for all involved.

I had plenty of practice bumping for Bane Williams a few weeks ago. Yeah! You’re right, it is funny. The first time I came back JP Corino did a runner. And the second time Bane Williams did one. I guess you could call me the real janitor, since I’m the one sweeping away the chaff around here. But I wont go stealing people’s monikers. The Janitor will have his moment in the sun with the Thane of Inane.

Nero chuckles.

You’re right, I don’t know why I slip into third person sometimes either. It’s so pompous of me. Ah well. Can’t be helped. Perhaps I am insane, just like old Archibald told the world. Oh, the lawsuit? Well, I took it to the courts but it was thrown out for being ‘frivolous’. Fancy that, Neonero, frivolous? It seems as though every direction I look there’s someone throwing a nasty little line at me. Insane. Frivolous. Are these words you’d say describe me, Mr. Witasick?

Nero pauses for about 30 seconds; during this time he nods, bites his lip, looks thoughtful and ultimately fulfilled.

I couldn’t have put it better myself. Well Mr. W, I think I should cut this call short, I need to do a few...things around here. I’ll look forwards to seeing what Daiki san can come out with – I hope it will be above the level of Hisoka Itazura, that guy was a real disappointment. I – oh, yes, you’re right. My victory over KnightMask and Tony Santos was a great one. And the first time I finished a match with the Torching of Rome. Beautiful move isn’t it? Well, I’m sure the ‘other’ masked one wouldn’t be so complimentary of it, but not many people do sing people’s praises after nearly snapping their spines in half do they? Do you think I should stop asking you rhetorical questions? A bit redundant aren’t they? I always find them quite grating? A bit like asking GameGenie if you could borrow his N64, he always says no doesn’t he? He’s such a meanie sometimes right? Ok ok, I’ll stop with the rhetorical questions. Good day, Mr. Witasick.

I said good day.

We fade

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