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Sebastian Duke · (10-20-2020)

Illuminatus Compound || Old Saybrook, Connecticut

Pacing the hallway on my crutches quietly outside his room, I wonder just how to approach the subject. It has been a little surreal having him home. I mean, its totally awesome, don’t get me wrong, but at the same time, we’re still figuring out how to be dads and how to be sons. For the longest time it was military action here or Asmodeus would have wanted this or kill these people to send a message. Now its not Illuminatus centered. It’s Thaddeus Duke just trying to be Sebastian Duke’s son.

And I love every minute of it.

I think he feels the same way. He isn’t much in the showing his feelings department and what you saw in his promos for the last Savage with he and I talking about my mom and him getting emotional? That’s as emotional as anyone has ever seen him.

Even a year ago, he’d never have come down to help me out like he did at Relentless. When Page and Main were busting me up and I heard the x-tron burst into flames, it wasn’t the King of Darkness coming out and laying claim to his old stomping grounds. That was simply Sebastian Duke being a protective dad and it meant the fucking world to me. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. No matter what we’ve gone through together or will one day go through, I won’t forget the time my dad showed up for me.

Strange isn’t it? I’ve spent my life trying to make him proud of me and love me and he shows up when I needed him most. That’s what being a father is all about. Showing up when they’re not expecting it, and giving them a hand up. If not for him, maybe Cataclysm succeeds in ending my career.

After some hesitation, I knock on his door lightly.

”Yeah?” he answers from the other side.

”Dad, it’s me,” I reply.

Quickly, he opens the door, inviting me into his room. ”C’mon in kid,” he says with a slight smile. It’s late and the house is quiet. Liz, Frankie and everyone else that matters is asleep. Dad and I both have always been night owls. ”What’s up?” he asks as I gingerly take a seat in a chair, laying my crutch on the floor beside me. He too takes a seat.

”I need some advice,” I tell him. ”I hope you have some fatherly wisdom, because I sure as shit need it.”

”Only one way to find out,” he replies. Before I start to tell him what’s on my mind, I’m reminded of a rather important but scary conversation I had with him a year ago.

About A Year Ago || Veneras International || Arlington, Virginia

The car pulls to a stop in the parking garage below my dads building. Garrett Wentworth beside me in the back seat, he shakes nervously with beads of sweat forming upon his forehead. He’s never met my father and on one hand, he is and was a wrestling fan and loved Sebastian Duke and his King of Darkness persona. On the other, he’s in a relationship with Sebastian Duke’s only son.

”Garrett,” I say turning to him and grabbing his shaking hand. It’s kind of sweaty and gross. ”Why are you so nervous?” I ask of him. I know the answer. I’m scared to death. I finally know what Garrett went through all those years as he struggled to come to terms with who he really is and struggled to find the courage to tell those he loved. If you don’t know, it’s an extremely emotional process. Coming to terms with who you really are, especially when you hide it from even yourself. It’s difficult to put into words what happens inside you. Letting it all out and telling those you love while fearing and maybe even expecting rejection is the hardest thing people like us go through. I had it easy. I didn’t even know I was into guys until Garrett came along. Garrett though, hated himself for being who he was and it caused him to act out in a variety of ways. It’s like that for a lot of people in our shoes. You mask who you are and you hate yourself for it and never realize it. It causes you to do things and to say things that you wouldn’t do or shouldn’t do. It honestly creates a different version of you that even you yourself loathe. As you start to come to terms with who and what you are, it starts to peel away the layers of self hatred you place upon yourself and its a deeply emotional experience as you start to become you that you were born to be.

Again, I don’t have the words to describe it. It’s terrifying, but simultaneously relieving.

”I never met your dad,” he answers quietly. ”He doesn’t know about us and you’re gonna tell him and I’m gonna be in the room and he’s freakishly huge and...”

”Relax, G. If he’s angry over it, he won’t direct it toward you,” I say, trying to calm his nerves. ”It’ll be at me.”

”I mean that’s so much better, Thad.”

Finally I’m able to calm his nerves enough to get him out of the car and into the elevator. Dads office is near the top of the small high rise building so it takes several second to get up. As the floors roll by with a ding, I myself grow nervous. I hadn’t been until now. Fear was there, but that’s typical. I feared what he might say or that he might reject me over it. I wasn’t nervous about verbalizing it until now. Thanks G.

Outside the elevator, we head down the hallway toward my father’s office and his gatekeeper Janet Wilson at the desk just outside of it. She notices us coming and jumps from her seat to come and greet us. She’s an awesome woman and I love her to death. In her late 50’s, she’s strong and independent. She’s a good match working for my father. He’s always ruled with an iron fist but she doesn’t fear him and I think that’s forced him to respect her a great deal. She should be respected. Janet is great at her job and she may even love my father as if he was her own son, and me like a grandson. In a lot of ways, she’s responsible for him becoming a bit more human than the brooding tower of monotony XWF fans are used to.

I’m okay with that. All of it. Janet Wilson is family.

”Thaddeus you beautiful baby doll,” she says as she approaches me and throws her arms around me for a hug.

”Janet, you always know how to glow me up,” I say with a smile.

”I should stop that then, you don’t need anymore glow,” she replies, causing me to chuckle. ”Thaddeus,” she says as she releases her hug. ”Don’t be rude, introduce me to your boyfriend.”

”My what?” I reply with maybe a bit of shock. I never told her anything.

”Don’t be ridiculous. Body language tells me everything I need to know.”

”How did you know?” I inquire.

”Honey, I knew before you did.”

”How?” I ask with a smile.

”I’m a mother. Mothers have instincts,” she answers. ”Thaddeus Leander Duke, who is this boy?”

”Garrett Wentworth, the incomparable Janet Wilson.”

She greets him with a hug.

”Ms. Wilson, it’s nice to...”

”Spare the formalities young man, just call me Janet,” she tells him, cutting him off. ”It’s lovely to meet you.”

She stands back from Garrett and looks him up and down and turns to me. ”He’s cute, good job,” causing me to chuckle and him to smile ear to ear. ”Your dads in his office.”

We start to make our way there and she grabs Garrett by his wrist. ”Honey, he’s big and intimidating but beneath that exterior, he’s a puppy dog.”

”Thanks for that,” G replies with a smile.

We enter dads office and he’s just ending a call. He gets up to greet us with a hesitant smile. Again, he’s never met Garrett.

”Who’s this?” he asks me as he eyeballs Garrett.

”Garrett Wentworth,” I reply as my dad extends his hand toward Garrett. G meanwhile, seems a little starstruck. As I said, he was a fan of my fathers. That’s how he knew in school that I wasn’t Jack Fitzgerald.

”Garrett,” he greets him warmly.

”Ummm, yeah. Hi,” G replies shyly while continuing to uncomfortably shake my dads hand.

”You mind if I take my hand back now?” he says lightheartedly.

”Oh! Yeah, my bad,” G replies nervously.

”Have a seat boys,” he says as he retreats behind his desk. ”What brings you guys down here?”

I hesitate uncomfortably, shifting in my chair. His eyes dart back and forth between Garrett and myself as we sit in this awkward silence.

”Somebody wanna say something?” he asks.

”I ummmm,” I begin but no words seem to follow. ”It’s like,” again I begin, but I can’t seem to put the words together. Garrett looks at me, somewhat bewildered that I, the dude that never shuts the fuck up, can’t find words.

”Thad? What the fuck is it? You never shut the fuck up and suddenly you can’t fucking speak. What’s going on here?”

Garrett slides his hand over toward me and grips mine. Dad didn’t catch on at first but now his eyes dart back and forth between me, Garrett and our clasped hands. He sighs deeply and leans back in his chair before spinning around to stare out the window in typical Sebastian Duke fashion, staring out across the sprawling cemetery.

”Are you gonna tell me, or do I have to fill in the blanks myself?” he asks as he stares out the window.

”Dad ummm… I like girls…. Annnd guys,” I finally blurt out. Him not facing me and staring at me I guess made it easier to verbalize.

”I figured it was just guys but okay,” he says before spinning around in his chair to face us again.

”Okay? That’s it?”

”What am I supposed to say?”

”You’re not made at me?”

He gets out of his chair and shoves his hands in his pockets, staring down at the floor, he walks across the room, forcing Garrett and I to spin around to follow him.

”Does he make you happy?” he asks before turning to face me. A smile creases my lips and he rolls his eyes. ”God dammit, I didn’t mean that...”

”I know,” I reply to him, opting to subdue my sense of humor a little. For his sake. ”He does, yeah.”

”My father,” he begins as he saunters back to his chair and plops down. ”He hated that I loved your mother. He hated me for loving a Catholic woman and Thad, I never showed it much but it tore me up. I’d never want that for you.

“I don’t have to like it, I don’t have to agree with it. As long as you’re happy though, it can’t be wrong.”

I’m jarred back to reality and the present day as he closes the door behind us.

”So what’s on your mind?” he asks as he plops down on the sofa.

”My love life,” I answer him.

”Gee look at the time! I gotta get to bed, I got...” he jokes. Crazy, I know.

”It’s a mess, dad,” I inform him. ”I find myself caught in the middle of a tug of war. Garrett pulling me one way, Elizabeth pulling me the other and all the while, I’m trying to pull them both toward me.”

”You won’t have both, Thad. Life doesn’t work that way.”

”But why?”

”What?”

”Why can’t it work that way? Why can’t I just love both of them and they just be like ‘yeah okay that’s cool’?”

He sighs deeply. ”I’m not sure why you’re coming to me with this,” he states. ”Wrestling matters, business matters, Illuminatus matters, yeah sure. But love lives and things of that nature? Thad, I love you but you’re barking up the wrong tree.

“I loved one person my entire life.”

”Because you’re my father.”

”Yeah I know. Sorry ‘bout that.”

”I’m not.”

”Thad… I know you’re looking for some wisdom and for me to tell you the right thing to do, but I can’t do that for you. I don’t know what the right answer is.”

”I guess that makes two of us.”

”You love Garrett?”

”Absolutely I do.”

”Elizabeth?”

”Dad I love them both.”

”And you’re positive that whatever you feel for Garrett isn’t just your guilt from pretending you were dead?”

That question causes me to pause. I hadn’t really considered that. Thinking about it, I’m reminded of the grad party a little while back. While guilt manifesting as some false feelings of love wouldn’t normally be out of the question entirely, it is in this case. I know what he and I had, and I felt those same sparks flying again that night by the fire. Whatever it is, its real.

”It isn’t the guilt.”

”Then you’re gonna have to make a decision soon. For yourself, for both of them, so that all of you can move on with your lives.”

Why does no one see what I see? Why does it have to be one OR the other? That doesn’t seem fair to me.

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