Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

Johnny Legend · (10-10-2020)

part one of uhhhh... hopefully more than one?

A light blue glow silhouettes around what makes out to be the back of a recliner. With hair sticking out the top and chubby arms hanging out the sides; along with a mixture of empty cola cans and candy bars littering the ground... This doesn't seem like a healthy person sitting in that recliner.

"HAHAHA!"

Laughter bounces off the walls... And some choking.. "Buragh! PEOW!" Following by the sound of spitting.

The camera spins around the recliner to get a full shot of Johnny Legend, who is sitting in front of a television while wearing only a pair of homemade boxers with the face of Thaddeus Duke all over them; especially one shot of that chisel-face motherfucker on his crotch.. Uhm.. From the television glow... and a little of not chewing properly, a bluish hue paints the surroundings and Johnny himself- who scratches a little too freely in the nether region with the same hand he's eating popcorn with.

The camera pans to a nineties tube television with a VCR sitting on-top. A clip of Jim Jimson dressing up as a dolphin for Thunder Knuckles appears on the television, with some static and lines across the screen as the two go on their wacky adventure of robbing a bank or entering a Little Miss Beauty contest, or whatever they did before Johnny Legend came to sweep Thunder off his legs and make him forget about boring ole' Jim Jimson.

"LUKE AT THA BOCKHEED!!" He points to the television with a mouthful of popcorn.

THE TELEVISION Said:JJ: What? You told me to bring it, not wear it.

Jim, what the fuck are you wearing? Change into the other clothing!

Crumbs falling out of his mouth, Johnny keeps shoveling popcorn down his gullet, enjoying what he's watching. "HESHA FOCKING DOLFPIN!!" Johnny spits out, almost dies from laughter... Like, literally, as he forgets to know how to swallow correctly. He chokes once again, crunching a kernel between his teeth as chunks fly out while gasping for air.

Johnny pounds his chest and spits out a combination of spit and popcorn pieces to catch his breath. "Oh man, I'm getting dizzy.. OH! Here comes my favorite part!" His eyes widen and sits at the edge of his recliner.

THE TELEVISION Said:Alright, Jim did you bring the things I asked you to bring?

JJ: Yeah, I got the bandana and Sunglasses.

Awesome. So, here's the plan we’re robbing a bank.

What the fuck?!

Johnny once again bursts into laughter, watching the two knuckle-heads do their thing. "The blockhead didn't even know he was gonna rob a bank! That stupid fucking Jim Jimson. I HATE HIM!" He mentions to himself, doing terrible at hiding his jealously for Jim.

Due to his own loud-ass crunching from popcorn munching, and obnoxious laughter, Johnny lifts the remote to turn up the volume..

However..

"What the.. Oh noo.. My brain is farting again!"

Jim Jimson's charming face starts to fade in to static on the television, as Johnny begins to smash buttons on the remote control, trying very little to actually fix the problem.

Suddenly, "Heelllloooooo." A voice appears from the television, but not of Thunder Knuckles or Jim Jimson... Or Jimmy.

The voice is unfamiliar to Johnny Legend, as he sits up with his jaw hanging and sweat soaking his face from choking half the time. "Look! I don't actually have any brain problems! IT'S JUST A GIMMICK!" The old man yells at the television from his moldy recliner.

Johnny climbs back into his recliner, frighten, as a face appears from behind the static..

A cat..

Really?

This is where we are going?

Johnny Legend talks to a cartoon cat...

You know, it's bad enough we are back watching this fat tub of lard in his recliner again. These promos that go NOWHERE. I mean, does he have dementia or doesn't he? I swear I saw him eat some keys... I don't know.. But now we have to watch him talk to a cat!?

This has got to be the dumbe... Hey.. Who are you guys? WHA.. GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! I'M THE NARRATOR DAMMIT!

...

The camera cuts away as Johnny looks around in confusion over the voices...

[Image: b7d0b611d3d927b74c6b71f5e797a5fe.jpg]

The camera cuts back to an obvious continuity error, as Johnny Legend is now wearing sweatpants instead of those sweet boxers with the Duke on them. And instead of popcorn... Well... It's still popcorn, but with a chocolate syrup layer glistening all over it! Yummy.

Johnny licks his lips with his eyes bulging from their sockets, staring at the sweet syrup melting over those crunchy pieces of popcorn. "Oh my god! I wanna fuck you with my mouth! GET IN HERE!" Johnny sensually opens his mouth, closing his eyes...

"JOHNNY!"

"HUH!?" Johnny snaps his head up, looking at the television with syrup running down the side of his mouth.

Across from him, a fat cartoon cat taps from behind the screen. "Dude.. What are you doing?" The cat questions with a deep and raspy voice.

Johnny turns his head to a conveniently placed mirror for him to reflect the mess that is.. Johnny Legend.

"It's alright, buddy. Lucky is here!"

"Lucky?"

The fat cat winks, "That's right! LUCKY!"

In a very NOT creepy way, Lucky the cat crawls out from behind the static screen. He jumps up from all fours and on to his hind legs, wearing an adorable little purple suit and a bitching gold chain around his neck.

He pats himself off and smiles at Johnny Legend.

"I'm here to fix ya up, pal." Lucky snaps and finger points at Johnny.

Lucky struts over to Johnny, "First things first."

He wipes some chocolate off Johnny's cheek with a fancy gold handkerchief. "Sorry, that would've drove me nuts when we're talking. Better to nip it in the butt now is what I say."

"Now. I bet you're wondering.. " Lucky waddles around Johnny's recliner, "How the hell is this cartoon cat walking and talking around in the REAL world?"

Lucky stops by Johnny's side, "You're not high. Well, not yet." Lucky stares at metal pipe on the ground next to the recliner.

"I'm not?"

"And those rats..." Lucky points at a group of rats having a tea party in the corner of the room. "Those rats are NOT your friends."

Johnny turns to the rats in the corner and one of them in a monocle turns to Legend and Lucky, "I say, these peons have found us out, Janice." The rat says to another rat and takes a sip from their teacup.

Rubbing his eyes, Johnny turns back to Lucky and asks, "What the fuck is going on!?"

Lucky sighs, "JOHNNY! LISTEN!"

Lucky rests his paws on Johnny's arms. "You NEED help."

"Help? From what?"

Lucky hops onto Johnny's lap and taps his head. "This."

"My hair?"

Lucky smacks Johnny across the face.

"OUCH! WHY!?" Johnny cries out while holding his cheek.

"Your brain, ya blockhead!"

"Blockhead! I understand that!"

Lucky's faces crumples, "That's all you understoo... You know what? Who cares!? Again. This is why I am here, Johnny. Instead of dealing with those brain problems- Good ole' Lucky will handle it!"

"Now.." Lucky jumps off of Johnny and plays with a ball that rolls in to his view. After a few seconds of rolling around, playing with a crumble up paper, Lucky stops himself. "Sorry.." He gets back to his feet.

"Now. I know you're into this wrestling business. And it just so happens to be that I'm ALSO an expert in it!" Lucky drops an elbow on a empty can of cola.

"See! Expert." Lucky flexes.

Johnny nods at the talent and holds his chin in wonderment, "Show me more."

Hop. Hop.

That's two hops. Lucky hops his way up on top the television set and swipes the VCR down to the ground; all cats do this for some reason, even the cartoon ones. The bastard.

"Watch and learn." Lucky twirls on top of the television a few times.. STOPS... Jumps and lands a PERFECT frog splash on a half-eaten foot-long sub with mayo, vinegar, lettuce and turkey. The plainest sandwich for the plainest wrestler in XWF.

Johnny hops out of the recliner and starts clapping like a madman talking to a cartoon cat. "THAT WAS AWESOME!" Johnny praises Lucky for such an athletic move.

Lucky smugly says, "Alright.. Now you."

This wipes the smile off Johnny's face, as he stares at Lucky, the television, and back down at Lucky.

"No."

"Oh... Ohhhh, because that trick knee of yours? Or.." Lucky pokes the flab hanging out the sides of Johnny's sweatpants. "That."

"Quit it!" Johnny shoves Lucky's paw away. "No. I just don't do that shit. I'm more of... Well.. I was a smack-talker that could back it up. And now.."

"And now you only back that up." Lucky smacks Johnny's butt, the jiggle sends shock waves across the worn out sweatpants.

"Not cool, man." Johnny mentions while rubbing his ass.

"Look. We're gonna bring the fire back into that head of yours. Right now, let's give it a little test run. Let's see what you got." Lucky twirls his whiskers while leaning against the television. "I mean, you do have a match coming up.. Don't you?"

Don't you. Don't you.

The words echo inside Johnny's head.

"Alright... Let's do this." Johnny squints into the camera with hesitation.

A spotlight appears over Johnny Legend; along with a mic that suddenly slides from across the floor and in front of him. Lucky tosses his handkerchief for Johnny to wipe the sweat that's dripping down his face from the light. "Uhm." Johnny clears his throat and continues, "You.. You ever wonder. What's.. Heh. What's the deal with Jim... No." Johnny wipes his forehead AGAIN.

Lucky looks on with a smile, shaking his arms in encouragement and not ready to claw his ass for jiggling too much.

"Jim Jimson and Charlie Nickles. These are my two opponents? These two blockheads!?" Johnny looks at Lucky, who gives a thumbs up for mentioning blockhead. "And my tag partner is Thunder Knuckles? What's up with dat!?"

Lucky motions not to say DAT again.

Johnny nods, "This guy is suppose to be my partner. My comrade in battle. Instead, I have to watch my back because Jim Jimson.. That block...roundhead killing machine is gonna lure Thunder Knuckles back to his side with his charisma and shiny head. You wait and see! It's gonna happen. I extend my hand in friendship and cool guy Thunder is gonna spit in my face. I JUST KNOW IT!" Johnny's face turns red.. And sweaty. Always sweaty. "I don't know about Charlie. He'll probably get lost on the way to Savage. The dingus blockhead."

"You know that blockhead worked so hard to get where he is today? Four wins. Three losses." Johnny frowns, "Then again.. I have only one win.. I think... Don't I?" Johnny turns back to Lucky, who nods as he checks a piece of paper on a clipboard. "ONE! One win. Charlie is over here swimming in victories and I'm staying afloat on a lucky one."

"But in darkness comes light." Johnny smiles. "I still have hope. Unlike Charlie, who has spent his on getting demolished by Sarah Lacklan. That will be his peak. His crowning achievement here in XWF. A main event match against the Universal Champion. This will be his story he tells to all his trash kids and his trash wife while living in their trashy condo down in trash Florida."

Lucky sighs and smacks his forehead for such a dumb sentence.

"Uh.." Johnny notices Lucky hating what he's spitting and changes the subject. "Jim... Jim! Jim Jimson. My mind may be trash.."

"Quit saying trash!" Lucky yells in the background.

"My mind may like garbage.."

Lucky ties a noose and measures the distance to which his neck may snap cleanly so he doesn't have to listen to Legend anymore.

".. FUCK IT!"

Lucky stops midway up the ladder with the rope in hand and turns his head towards Johnny Legend.

"What's the point? This match is pointless! What does it even prove? That Thunder Knuckles and I can play well together, knowing full well that the two of us are gonna Roadhouse in a couple weeks, trying to rip each others' throats out when we face off... Actually, when do I get to face him? I swear some douche in a suit said it, but like with all those blockheads." Johnny points to his ear, "In one, out the other."

"Why isn't this match Thunder and I? If Thunder wants to keep that haircut, then he must carry the attitude along with it. And that is ALWAYS being a badass. Not just a little badass. No. That's illegal in some states. Just pure as the driven snow.. BADASS! Wait.. I don't think I said that right.. Uh.." Johnny turns to Lucky who is hanging from the noose.. "Oh, I'm not dead. I'm a fucking cartoon. This was just better than whatever you just said there." A popping sound follows as Lucky slides his head out of the noose and to his feet.

"I'm gonna be honest. This is gonna be a lot of work. I don't even know if you understand what you're saying?" Lucky begins to lick his anus.

"Oh, and now you're rubbing that in my face! First I can't talk so good and now you're rubbing that shit in my face!" Johnny turns his head and wishes he could lick his own ass.

"One day man will not bow to you cats and your godlike flexibility!" Johnny shakes his fist at Lucky. "And what the hell were we even talking about? You licking your own ass threw me off completely."

Munch. Munch. "Jim Jimson and Charlie Nickles." Lucky continues to munch on some dingle-berries.

Johnny now regrets of dreaming to eat his own ass after watching Lucky chomp down on some crusty little turds.

Johnny snaps his fingers in a eureka moment, "CRUSTY LITTLE TURDS! THAT'S IT!"

"That is what Charlie Nickles reminds me of. Little pieces of shit that gets stuck on the hairs around ya ass." Johnny jiggles his ass.

"So stuck that you have to pull the hair out and hope it doesn't get infected again to the point you can't sit anymore and have to squat for shits. And squatting with explosive diarrhea.. You either hit or miss.. Mostly miss. Which sums up Charlie. He was hitting so hard, sitting that chunky ass of his firmly on the cool porcelain. Not a drop was spilt... Then... Then he met Sarah. Well, I think he lost before her? But we're gonna keep it simple for my sake. Charlie missed the bowl with Sarah. That simple."

"And now Jim Jimson will have to carry the load and keep Charlie from falling any more into obscurity by whooping my ass. I've been calling it this whole time. Jim WILL destroy me. He will take my power AND my Speedway card WITH thousands of points on it and buy all the beef jerky he can with it."

"..."

"..Or I win because Thunder finally comes to realization that if he loses... He loses to Charlie Nickles. Which is waaaayyy worse than letting his new best friend down. That's me. SO BACK OFF, JIM! I don't care if Cthulhu is scared of you... I WILL WIN THE TELEVISION TITLE... I mean.. BE THUNDER'S BEST FRIEND!"

Lucky looks at his watch and taps it towards Johnny. "You're running out of time."

"What? I'm done."

Lucky looks around, "That.. That was it?" Lucky starts to rummage through the garbage littering the floor. "What are you looking for?"

"A bat. Knife. Anything to help you win this match because you are NOT going to intimidate anyone with that shit."

"... Oh." Johnny sighs and lowers his head in shame, as Lucky tosses around objects in the background. "Are we at least gonna ride motorcycles?"

"Yes." Lucky stops and looks at Johnny, "Yes we are."

"Badass." Johnny pumps his fists in excitement of future adventures that totally don't take place in just Johnny's apartment... Again.

"Hey! A bat!" Lucky lifts up a golden bat with etchings reading, ""Absent of Mind"" down the bat. Johnny smiles, "Ah, yeah.. That's my one-hit wonder. It's useless now. Only good for one use before failing completely afterwards."

"Huh. That's kinda dumb." Lucky mentions to Johnny, tossing the bat aside. The scene slowly fades away as Lucky dives into a pile with his feet sticking out, searching and searching for something that will help Johnny defeat Jim Jimson and that other guy. Johnny stands there, back to thinking about licking his own ass and if he did, maybe he should shave first? I don't know.. I'm just saying.. People like it. So it might actually feel good? Right?

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode The Adventures of Lucky & Legend
Author	Message