Charlie Nickles is walking down the sidewalk of your average American town with two half eaten hot dogs in his possession. The hot dog in his left hand has relish and mustard. The hot dog in his right hand has ketchup and mayo. He is alternating which hot dog goes to his mouth with every bite. He is dressed in his usual getup: loose fitting jeans, a black shirt, and a sleeveless plaid jacket. An asshole with a camera and a shitty microphone hurries towards him.

Poppa Rotsee: Charlie! Charlie! It's Poppa Rotsee with TMZ! The people wanna know: how do you feel about your match on Warfare!

Charlie continues to walk, trying to ignore the 'reporter' from TMZ. Charlie keeps taking alternating bites of the hotdogs as the TMZ associate continues to press him for the scoop.

Poppa Rotsee: Charlie! Charlie! How do you feel about getting your ass kicked by Sarah Lacklan in the main event of Relentless?

Charlie takes a final bite of each of the hotdogs, throwing the wrappers down to the ground as he keeps on walking.

Poppa Rotsee: Charlie! Charlie! How do you feel about Kris Von Bonn dropping from the tag-team match on Warfare?

Charlie stops in his tracks. He turns to face the TMZ associate with a confused expression.

Charlie: Wait, what? What are you talking about?

Poppa Rotsee: The Hammer removed himself from the match! TMZ speculates that it's because last time he shared a ring with you, you absolutely destroyed his body, soul, and his will to wrestle!

Charlie: Ah god fucking damn it! I thought I would get to take the match off and have an easy win! Fucking aye.

Charlie rubbed the temple on his forehead with stress before looking back at the journalist.

Charlie: Who am I supposed to fight?

Poppa Rotsee: Two stars from Chaotic Inc, Heraldo Carne Asada and the Super Dick Peter Gilmour himself!


The stress immediately faded from Charlie's face as he placed his hands on his beer belly and let out a joyous guffaw.

Charlie: Ohhhh lordy! It's against those dickless dimwits? Shiiiit, I guess I do have the match off after all!


Poppa Rotsee: So you're not concerned about facing two of the most elite wrestlers consistently found on the bottom of the card?

Charlie: Hell no! Those jokers can't even buy a win. Shiiiit Gilly lost to "Broken Money Matt" Oswald and the illegal lost to Dick Powers! I ain't seen Dick Powers on television in years, and I've never seen Oswald get a win outside of Anarchy unless it was over the Gil-ster. Those two have done nothing but disgrace this business since I joined the federation. Gilly didn't even put up a fight against Sarah. Carnes couldn't even defend his belt against Reggie fucking Estrada! That's right, Carnes dropped his X-treme championship belt to the man that I PUT OUT of this business. That should tell you something about who's going to win this match. When was the last time either one of them picked up a win, anyways? Has it been months?

Charlie asked the TMZ reporter with sincerity. The TMZ reporter shrugged before Charlie continued rambling on.

Charlie: I've taken shits this week that were harder to pass through than Gilly and Carnes. The only question surrounding this matchup is which one of those imbeciles is going to take the fall and get pinned. Neither one of them can handle a devil hook drop, let alone a motherfucking Steubenville Screwdriver. If those boys don't watch themselves they're going to end up with broken necks and shattered dreams.

Charlie spits on the ground. His saliva is greenish yellow, likely from the radish and mustard.

Charlie: If those boys want to come test themselves against Charlie, fuck, tell them to bring all they've got. What are they going to say to hype themselves up? That they're definitely going to beat me because I lost to Warfare MVP Robbie Bourbon? Because I lost to X-treme champion Robert Main? Because I lost to the universal champion? Well fuck, I'm guilty as charged on all counts. But guess what? Gilly and Carnes aren't Warfare MVPs. Gilly and Carnes aren't X-treme champions. Gilly and Carnes aren't universal champions. Gilly and Carnes are nothing but the skid marks running down Chris Chaos's panties. They're his personal suckboys. Everything those two idiots do they dedicate to Chris. Their whole lives have been built around making Chris Chaos seem cool and successful. I get what Chaos gets out of the deal: daily blowjobs and some cheerleaders to do his dirty work. But what do Harnes and Gilly get out of joining a faction dedicated to fluffing one man? As far as I can tell all they get out of the deal is an ounce of relevancy. They don't get wins, they don't mic time on the show, they don't the merchandising deals or the licensing rights to use the faction's trademarks. But what they get is an ounce of relevancy, a bare minimum level of spotlight that they know they wouldn't be able to get if they weren't riding Chaos's dick all day long. When people think Harnes and Gilly, what do they think? Do they think top-notch mexican wrestler and XWF legend? Nope! They think of Chaotic Inc. But hey, Gilly and Carnes are fully aware that if they weren't in Chaotic Inc people wouldn't think of them at all. They'd watch their careers dry up and see the fans forget their names as soon as they're announced.

Poppa Rotsee: But isn't Gilly a multi-time champion bound for the hall of legends?

Charlie: Fuck no! The only time he succeeded in this federation was when the roster was depleted and devoid of talent. Now that we have a roster that's worth a damn he can't buy a win. He's washed up. The fans are sick of seeing his face on their televisions. You think a legend would be booked on the big pay per view night in some midcard showdown with anarchy's tenth most successful character? You think a legend would go on to LOSE that match? Give me a break. Gilly's contract is one bad loss away from being terminated by management, and guess what? He has bad losses all the time! The only reason he has been able to keep his roster spot is because Chris Chaos grants him just an ounce of his spotlight every few weeks. That's it. That's the only reason tiny dick is even booked against me. If this washed-up wanker wasn't sucking off Chris Chaos and doing everything he could to keep a spot in that faction, he'd be out on the streets living in a mini-van down by the river.

Poppa Rotsee: And what of Heraldo Carne Asada? He's a former X-treme champion!

Charlie: Yeah, yeah, and he lost the belt in a sneak attack from the THUG's third best act. I'm not impressed. Now let me go, Jack! I've got shit to do! I'm not going to stand around and answer your stupid fucking questions all day!

Charlie pushed the TMZ associate away as he continued down the sidewalk of this average American town.