THE SCAM ARTIST

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Following her defeat at Anarchy and subsequent beatdowns by the B.O.B. and Cataclysm, Ruby had little time to recuperate and gather herself. After a panicked call from her mother Olivia, it turned out her father had fallen for one of the oldest tricks on the internet: the advance-fee scam. Having sent a couple thousand of Canadian dollars, leaving her parents as good as broke, Ruby tracked down the culprits responsible for taking advantage of the elderly’s online naïveté.

Or at least, she tried to. Her tracker led her to a compound manned with armed guards where, accompanied by her father, she managed to beat the truth out of one of the mastermind’s henchmen. The Prince, as he was called, had fled to Lagos, undoubtedly to try and avoid Canadian jurisdiction. But the Banana-Lime Blur has no jurisdiction. And after enlisting the help of one of her best friends and tag team partner Centurion, they took to the skies and set course for Nigeria’s largest city, hoping to get her parents’ money back from the criminal scum that had robbed them of their hard earned cash.

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Centurion: “Just let it go, Rubes… A battle for another day, perhaps.”

Her SOB tag partner gave her a reassuring squeeze in the shoulder, but Ruby was still gritting her teeth and clenching her fists around the handles of her bags as they walked towards the airport’s exit. He wasn’t talking about their quest of getting back her money, but about the corruption they’d been met with on every twist and turn.

Get off the plane? Thirty bucks, please. Get through customs? Fifty bucks, please. Oh, you want your bag? Another fifty, please. Ruby wasn’t even mad, but it WAS maddening, mostly because this corruption existed out of necessity for most of these people. It was kept alive by a failing government in a country that had seen colonialism, civil war, military dictatorships and far too few honest democratically elected presidents of civilian governments.

Ruby: “You’re right, my guy. One battle at a time. I just wish these dudes and dudettes could go about their business honestly, collect an honest paycheck at the end of the month and have no need for all of those shenanigans, you know?”

Centurion: “I’m a wrestler, Rubes, I haven’t had an honest paycheck for an honest day’s work in my entire life.”

He grinned, and Ruby appreciated his attempts to inject a bit of lightheartedness into the situation. It was certainly helping improve her mood.

Ruby: “Well, you’re much more than that, bud. At least you’re not playing dress-up at night and running over rooftops to catch jaywalkers.”

Centurion: “Every man needs a bucket list.”

That made Ruby smile. And think.

Ruby: “Every girl, too, isn’t it? I guess I have a few things left on my bucket list.”

Centurion: “Oh yeah, like what? The usual stuff, like bungee jumping,…?”

Ruby snickered.

Ruby: “Aitch to the eck no, my guy. Ain’t no thrill I haven’t sought out and found yet. For me, I guess my bucket list is the boring stuff. I’m more of a ‘fade away’ than ‘burn out’ kid of gal as far as that’s concerned.”

Centurion: “So what you’re saying is Kurt Cobain was full of sh-… izzle?”

Ruby: “Not at all, that dude was woke as flip for a twenty-something guy in the nineties! But not everybody wants the same out of life, you know. Right now I’m living high-octane and fast-energy, but I mean, when I get to your age…”

Centurion’s face turned into a scowl.

Ruby: “…the best thing I can hope for is I still look half as good as you do!”

The scowl melted, and they stepped out through the airport gates. The sweltering heat fell over them like a thick blanket. Ruby was used to Canada, where ‘slightly above freezing’ was considered ‘short sleeve weather’.

Centurion: “Okay, so we’re here. Now what’s the plan? Lagos is a big place.”

Ruby:”Well, the tracking software I used pointed us to this city, but couldn’t give me an exact location. However...”

Ruby grabbed something from her backpack and retrieved two yellow-green electronic devices that closely looked like the toy versions of the communication devices Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi used in the Phantom Menace.

Ruby:”I went through my old toy boxes and gave these babies a lil’ upgrade! They’re following the e-signature of the server that sent my dad those fictitious e-mails. My nerdy buddies at Boulder guaranteed me that the closer we get, the more frequently we’ll get a beep.”

Centurion: “Well, Go Buffaloes! This is pretty cool. I’m starting to feel like a legit James Bond.”

Ruby:”Well you certainly look the part! You might need to work on your British accent, though.”

Centurion: “Whoa’evah do you mean, ma’am?”

Ruby grinned at hearing Centurion’s intentionally over-the-top fake British accent.

Ruby:”Nothing, guv’na. Or wait, is that Australian? Never mind. Let’s just drop our bags off at the hotel and get to exploring!”

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And thus, our heroes’ search began. After dropping off their bags, they set off, armed with their tracking devices. They walked, used taxi’s hired bikes, split up to cover more ground, all in hopes to find a trace of the criminal organization responsible for ripping off Ruby’s father, and probably many thousands more.

The hours crept by, and Ruby was starting to get frustrated at her lack of success, when she got a text from her tag team buddy.

Quote:”Rubes, my device is beeping like crazy. I think I picked up a signal. Can you lock in on my coordinates?”

Quote:”My guy! You da best! On my way right now.”

She quickly hopped in a taxi and made her way over to where her buddy was hiding. The whole situation was getting a bit ridiculous, to be perfectly honest. Her father’s words still rang in her mind. ‘Just cut our losses’. And maybe he was right. How far was she willing to go for this? She’d nearly gotten herself killed trying to dismantle the operation of a toilet paper bootlegger. And her earlier conversation with Centurion had also left its mark. He was the kind of guy who was willing to die in the ring if need be, and not even regret it. But Ruby didn’t want all that. She wanted a house with a lawn. Some kids running around, and getting to watch them grow up as she got old and wrinkly and knitting ugly Banana-Lime Christmas sweaters in her rocking chair. But not yet. Not yet. The call of thrills and adventure still drowned out all the rest, common sense included.

And yet, Centurion was willing to follow her into this fool’s errand and not even question it or complain. She felt guilty for dragging him into this, but he had already proven instrumental in locating their quarry, and she was going to need his help even more if she ever wanted to get to the bottom of this. Still, he deserved a proper thank you. His willingness to fight Cataclysm alongside her was already proof that he trusted her abilities in the ring. But this proved that he genuinely cared for her, and Ruby hadn’t had many friends like that over the years.

The car stopped soon thereafter and Ruby got out. Again, it seemed like a posh neighborhood clearly reserved for the rich. The divide between the rich and poor was always greatest where corruptions or corporations ruled. Ruby turned on her tracking device and got almost an incessant bleeping tone. Clearly they were in the right place. She turned it back off, and heard a whistle behind her. She turned around and saw Centurion leaning against a wall, motioning her over.

Centurion: “Over here, Rubes.”

The Banana-Lime Blur darted over and gave him a high five.

Ruby:”That’s some grade A sleuthing, my guy! GO Sisterhood of Besties!”

Centurion: “Name pending change. We REALLY need to start looking into that.”

Ruby:”Oh, yeah yeah, for sure! First thing when we get home! So what’s the sitrep?”

Centurion pointed at a building about fifty yards out. It was encircled by high brick walls with a large, spiked metal gate that seemed impenetrable.

Centurion: “Fifteen feet walls, and patrolling guards inside. I walked by one time and they were already getting suspicious. They seemed armed with batons and stun guns from what I could tell. But their patrols are fairly rigid. If we time it right, we should be able to get inside undetected. Their cameras move, so there might be blind spots.”

Ruby:”Cool beans. This place actually looks easier to break into than the one in Quebec. And my Boulder buddies gave me a miniature EMP to shut down any cameras.”

Centurion: “They let you bring that on the plane?”

Ruby:”Yep!”

Ruby retrieved it from her backpack. It looked exactly like an old Game Boy, complete with the huge purple buttons.

Ruby:”It turns off cameras and lets you play Tetris! I’ve mostly used it for the latter, to be honest. 234 lines is my highschore! I got the full rocket at the end.”

Centurion: “Oh wow, I remember those from my younger days. Full rocket, huh? That’s pretty good. Mind if I borrow this on the flight back?”

Ruby:”Wanna try and beat my record, huh?”

Centurion: “What, you think I can’t? Sounds like a bet.”

Ruby:”You’re on, bud!”

Centurion: “Fine. What do I get if I beat it?”

Ruby shrugged.

Ruby:”You name it. I ain’t scared.”

Centurion grinned, and then focused his attention back to the situation at hand.

Centurion: “All right, let’s go for it. I bet I can throw you over that wall and you can give me a hand.”

He moved, but Ruby put her hand on his arm. He stopped and looked at her.

Centurion: “What’s up?”

Ruby:”Look, I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. It’s hard to find people out there who you can REALLY trust, you know? Coming into the XWF I didn’t really know anyone. Well ,except for Vinnie maybe, but that was just because he made fun of the Toronto Frost, really. Who did the Quetzals ever beat, anyway? I’m just saying… I quickly made a few enemies because apparently they couldn’t stand someone who was trying to bring a bit of light-heartedness into a place that was so dominated by the industry’s greatest edgelords. But you always showed me respect. Always made me feel welcome. And it’s really been one of the things that has kept me going, not just in the company, but out in the real world too. And I feel bad, because it seems like all I’ve been doing is taking and giving nothing back.”

Centurion: “Rubes… Really, I am the one who’s sorry. I should’ve been there sooner on Anarchy.”

Ruby:”No no, I don’t blame you for that one bit. You were there for me then. You’re here for me now. And I just want you to know I appreciate that, and I want to repay the favor one day, you know? And I hope you won’t hesitate to ask me when the time comes. I’m seriously glad that you and I are going into Cataclysm together. And I know you already have a lot on your plate in your own personal life… And I know you’ve got another huge match to prepare for outside of the XWF. And yet you’re here. With me.”

Centurion: “It’s not a big deal.”

Ruby wasn’t sure if she believed him but clearly he felt like this was neither the time or the place to elaborate on all of that. And he was probably right, too.

Centurion: “I’m here because I choose to be. Because you’ve inspired me. And that’s honestly the greatest gift you could ever have given me.”

He looked at her seriously for a bit, and then Ruby grinned and playfully punched him on the shoulder.

Ruby:”Hah! Look at us getting all sappy! I just realized I never properly said thank you.”

Centurion: “And you’ll never have to.”

Ruby:”Wel flip my knickers, you’re quoting the Batman on me now? That’s pretty rad. Anyway, let’s go before this scammer catches wind of us and runs off again. Oh, one more thing!”

Ruby reached into her backpack and retrieved a mask. Hers, of course, was already snapped in place a long time ago. This one, she wrapped around Centurion’s head, who grinned.

Ruby:”There ya go, you’ve earned it and then some… And I gotta say, that looks…”

Centurion: “Super?”

Ruby:”Super indeed. Let’s go, my guy!”

Centurion nodded and they snuck over to the wall. He planted his back against the wall and locked his fingers together for Ruby to plant her foot in.

Centurion: “Ready to go up and over?”

Ruby:”Flip yeah! Let’s get my money back. After all… what’s the worst that could possibly happen?”

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Ruby and Centurion found themselves surrounded by twenty armed mercs, each of them wielding a stun gun that would most certainly knock them unconscious in the blink of an eye. Panting after having taken down over a dozen of adversaries, the dynamic duo now found itself at the mercy of their captors… on their knees with their hands up, Centurion looked over at the Banana-Lime Blur.

Centurion: “So to answer your earlier question, Rubes… I think this is it…”

Ruby:”Well knickers, flip and fiddlesticks. I do believe you’re right, my dude.”

Things had not exactly gone according to plan. Soon after they’d jumped the wall, Ruby had discovered that she had mistakenly taken her REAL Game Boy, rather than the EMP device her Boulder buddies had made for her.

Centurion: “At least you got a lot of Tetris out of that thing.”

After Ruby had discovered that it was, in fact, just a Game Boy, it had also given away their location by starting to play the Tetris theme tune on max. level.


Ruby:”And it’s a catchy song, isn’t it?”

Centurion: “Oh yeah, gonna be stuck in my head for days… If we ever get out of here.”

Ruby:”Don’t worry, we’ll think of something.”

Centurion: “I was honestly already dreading our lack of an exit strategy.”

Ruby:”Yeah, I usually just wing that part. But hey, lesson learned for next time! GO, learning opportunities!”

Centurion: “Next time? You plan on doing this again?”

Ruby:”Well, not THIS specifically, no.”

The mercs clearly grew tired of their chatter and one of them barked in English.

Merc: “Quiet, Americans!”

Ruby:”Slight correction there, bud. I’m one hundred percent frost-blooded Canadian! Si tu ne me crois pas, je parle français aussi, tu vois?”

Centurion: “I don’t think they care much, Rubes.”

Ruby:”Well, I’m not sitting here and calling them Kenyans, am I?”

Merc: “Quiet! Prince want to see you!”

Centurion: “I hope he doesn’t mean the Purple Rain guy.”

Ruby:”Yeah, that could be code speak for them offing us. That would really be a disappointing end to the day, let me tell you that!”

Merc: “Get up and walk! And hands up!”

Making threatening movements with their guns, the mercs motioned them towards the door. They went inside and through a long corridor.

Ruby:”So what do you think they’ll do to us?”

Centurion: “Well, I don’t think they’ll give us a nice present and let us go.”

Ruby:”Ah well, how bad could it be?”

Centurion: “Last time you asked a similar question, we ended up surrounded by twenty armed mercenaries.”

Ruby:”Just saying, there’s always someone worse off than yourself.”

Centurion: “Really? I’d like to see one, that might make me feel better about this whole thing.”

Ruby:”Well, I’m pretty sure you’ll find one in Cataclysm’s weird dungeon. Those dudes really have no business sense, they should turn that place into a theme park for fourteen year old goths who are convinced life sucks and everything is horrible. That’s their target audience, isn’t it? And all the rides are merry—go-rounds to symbolize the way they keep talking in circles and keep on repeating themselves all the time.”

Centurion: “Sounds like a horrible idea.”

Ruby:”I know. They’d probably love it.”

They were near the end of the corridor and were forced into a large room. A huge man was seated at the far end, sitting cross-legged on the biggest chair Ruby had ever seen. Ruby and Centurion were forced to the center of the room and forced to their knees as the stun guns were forced into their necks and they received a boot to the back of the knee.

Ruby:”Ouch, dude! You could’ve just asked politely, you know? With the whole please and thank you? Sheesh. Manners!”

The man got to his feet. Ruby estimated him to be almost seven feet tall. He had a rather slender frame, making him look like a very large pencil.

Ruby:”Hey Centy. Don’t you think he looks like a very large pencil?”

Centurion: “…wut?”

Ruby:”Never mind…”

The man got closer and closer until he stopped right in front of the pair. He crouched down, and grabbed Ruby by the chin, forcing her to look at him.

The Prince: “Who sent you?”

Ruby:”The Prince, I presume? Tell me, how does it feel to live in this luxury while you and your conmen swindle old people from their hard earned money?”

The Prince: “I don’t even know who you are.”

Centurion: “Oh, she’s gonna go all Scarlet Witch on you now!”

Ruby:”I’m here to take back what belongs to my father. And I’m not leaving without it.”

The Prince: “No. I have merely gained what belonged to MY father.”

Ruby:”Say what now?”

The Prince: “I, Prince Jones Dimka, son of a murdered father and rightful heir to the throne of Kaduna, will have his legacy… And nobody will stop me. Now… WHO sent you?”

Ruby sighed.

Ruby:”Oh, FLIP me up the goat buttocks.”

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Earlier, from Ruby’s Go-Pro…

Ruby:”Hulloooooo tharr, my flipsies and whatnotsies! It’s the Banana-Lime Blur, checking in from a taxi in Lagos, Nigeria of all places! Now, I can already hear and see those question marks popping up above your heads. ‘Ruby, what the flip? Aren’t you supposed to be preparing for your match against Cataclysm? Or keeping the streets safe of criminals?’ Well, I’m sort of doing both, aren’t I? See, my mainest man Centy and I are on a mission, call it team building if you will, to find a criminal mastermind who’s been leeching off the naïve and vulnerable.

Now there’s an interesting word, isn’t there? ‘Naïve’. I’ve been called that many times. But that’s just the word a pessimist uses to describe an optimist. And there are a lot of pessimists running around. Telling us the S.O.B., name change pending, doesn’t stand a chance against Cataclysm, a team SO good, according to their own boasts, that nobody DARES to step into the ring with them. A team SO good, that a quickly thrown-together team of an in-ring veteran and a wannabe-superhero don’t stand a chance in aitch to the eck! But see, we choose to be optimistic. Because we know what we’re worth, and we know what Cataclysm are worth inside the ring. Instead, they’ve chosen to dismiss us and put us in the trash tier, which is fine by me. But I’ve been called trash by people far superior to you guys, and guess what? Beat them afterwards. Now, I’m not stupid. I know that doesn’t guarantee us a win. But it does give us a fighting chance, and I fight at my best and hardest when clawing my way to the top. It’s always been like that. Meanwhile, you guys are too preoccupied doing the spoopy stuff to recognize the threat that’s coming at you. Oh, you see it coming, you just don’t RECOGNIZE it. There’s a big difference.

Now before I go on, I just have to take a quick moment to apologize. Like a wise woman once said, ‘own your mistakes’. Sorry about that mix-up in my earlier video, my guys. I know that was my bad, but hey give a girl a break, eh? Too many knocks to the head will do that to ya. You can’t really blame me though, when I look at the material you guys put out it all kind of blends together with all of the other tryhard horrorcore stuff I’ve seen over the years, and it all seems so … interchangeable. I’ve seen plenty of guys over the years that try and put out their own rendition of the flippin’ torture papers, but unfortunately you have failed, as they have, to exceed the level of Stephen King-light wannabe. I’ve seen the schizophrenics, the psychopaths, the dissociative disorders, and all the other edgy stuff… But fair is fair, where clichés are concerned you guys DO nail them. But you also remind me of that guy at the fair, rolling his barrel organ and playing the same old tune every time, still expecting people to take notice and give him money. I’m not sure which one of you guys is the monkey on the shoulder in this comparison, but I’m leaning towards Chris Page. It’s pretty close though, dudes, like 60-40 maybe? Anyway, don’t get me wrong. Barrel organs can play a nifty little tune, but after a while you just go ‘hey, I’ve heard this before’ and you move on, realizing that an automated version of ‘Einzug der Gladiatoren’ doesn’t quite compare to Brahms’ third symphony played live by the London Philharmonic Orchestra. GO classical music comparisons! Seriously, those guys were geniuses. I like Billie Eilish and whatnot, her music is catchy and relatable, but it’s not exactly very melodic, is it?

Anyway, my flippies, I hope you’ll remember today’s lessons. First of all, own your mistakes. Secondly, always try and be innovative. But most importantly… Be a good person, and try and brighten someone else’s day when and where you can! Now THAT is a creed to live by! Catch y’all on the flipside!”

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