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Lacklan · **06-30-2020, 06:35 PM**

Sarah Lacklan walks into the Hallway of DOOM with a briefcase under her arm. She finds Tommy...who is licking a picture of her legendary #SquatBooty from their fight a few days ago...gross...and gives him a small smile. She opens the briefcase and pulls out a series of small objects which, when assembled, become a portable screen. After setting the screen in place, Sarah pulls out her phone...now a shitty iPhone and no longer a SWEET Windows phone, unfortunately...and flashes her Billion $$$ Smile.

Thank you for coming to my SAR Talk

For those who do not know me, my name is Sarah Lacklan-

She tosses back her luxurious platinum locks and the sound of ascending piano notes fill the air.

-Marketing Genius, and I am here to discuss what an insult it is that Tommy Wish is the Federweight Champion. The Federweight, for those unaware, is a championship built upon the ability to cut a promo, and the fact that Tommy is the champ is a wonderful microcosm to how much this place has turned to shit since I left. Please turn your attention to Slide #1.

CLICK

[Image: v6U3leu.jpg]

Here we see Tommy being "edgy" and "hardcore." You will notice the "extreme" use of items most known for garbage wrestling, such as the antiquated fork from Sudan's famous butchery. Now, one might assume this is him displaying his ability to win hardcore, or "garbage" matches, as I prefer the term, but this is where you would find yourself in the wrong. You see, Tommy doesn't win matches. At all. Literally zero. And why is that? Because he spends all of his time focusing on the same dumb shit over and again, never growing, never excelling. Just an endless array of mediocre blah blah that does little to entice or excite anyone beyond a 5th grade reading level. In fact, he and his partner have spent so much time chasing after a grade of 'Well...its not terrible, per ce, just not good' that they belong more in the realm of the seventeen Zane vs. Insert Random Blackwater Here match. Moving on.

CLICK

[Image: WlCbshy.jpg]

The result of Tommy's special brand of Same Shit, Different Day is, of course, the same: Him sitting in a Denny's, pressing a Moons over My Hammy that was delivered ice cold to his eye, wondering what went wrong. But since they heard what I had to say and STILL literally said 'So what if we keep repeating ourselves?!' in response, it shouldn't be too surprising that they found themselves here. And finally...

CLICK

[Image: TpDniQV.jpg]

Here we see Future Tommy, finally having given up trying to have even a shred of credibility within XWF, and exploring his career of butterfly catching with his babymama Georgette. Someday, I hope she finally says 'yes.'

Thank you for attending my SAR Talk.

Sarah gives one more smile and, as Tommy goes back to licking the picture of her butt, she grabs the portable screen, whacks him over the head, and goes for the cover.

1!

2!

Tommy Wish · **06-30-2020, 07:57 PM**

Tommy while still in deep unconsciousness, manages to awaken himself up with Sarah ontop of him. As he still has her on top, he closes his eyes to an imaginative place he calls "Pippy Popity" and his masked figure tells him to "drop the fuckin mic!" and this plays out of nowhere as his eyes turn green, and kicks out of her attempt, and starts to spit shit.

“Well well if it isn’t our resident wanna be superhero, Sarah Lacklan. As much you proclaim you are a marketing genius why didn’t you manage to just get a simple ass projector and white screen? Why spend all your daddies money that’s gonna dry up before you turn 45 and menopausal. While you gone off into lala land with your bitch, I had to hold down this belt. Unlike you, i don’t have the slightest bit of fucks on losing this belt to you.

Oh my garbage wrestling is such a determent? Man, most of these so called fans could care less about how I work in the ring, while you can work like you are in the main event scene. Even if I don’t win any matches, i’m still getting paid unlike you who is expected to kiss ass and whine about not getting ahead like if you Big D or something. If i’m stuck in my ways, then oh well, i suck and you had to point that out like if that is some kinda bad thing.

Oh, I couldn’t help but to laugh at a picture of my ex baby mama’s; i bet she can catch way more pussy and a damn butterflies in her spare time; then you always trying to shoehorn in some shitty catchphrases, SAR TALK… what the fuck does it all mean? Man, this company had spoil you so much with attention, that i could just hand you the belt, and you can run off and play grab ass with Ruby.

But that isn’t going to happen, you can post the most unflattering pictures of me on here just to Spite me; but at the end of the day, no matter how your booty looks, even JB told me that it’s more flatter then Paris Hilton’s on a good day. So Sarah, do me a favor and go play house with Ruby, because this is my title and you can’t have the satisfaction of always getting what you want.

So fuck off…. and let me fantasize about your nonexistent booty and feet.”

Lacklan · **06-30-2020, 08:57 PM**

snnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk

snnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk

snnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnk

WAKE ME UP

WHEN SEPTEMBER

EEEEENDS

Sarah snorts awake from her standing sleep as her phone blares to life. She shakes her head to push away the grogginess.

Oh, I am so sorry, T-Ish! I fell asleep there for a moment! But I suspect that I'm not the only one, so hold on one hot sec...

She presses a few buttons on her phone and Billy Joe sings louder.

LIKE MY FATHERS

COME TO PASS

Sarah holds up her hand to stop Tommy from interjecting.

SEVEN YEARS

HAS GONE SO FAST

WAKE ME UP

WHEN

SEPTEMBER

EEEEEEEEEENNNNNDSSSSSS

Sarah smiles as she shuts off her alarm.

THERE we go. Now everyone is away after falling asleep from that 'retort.' Listen, its not MY fault that you're too dumb to know what a TED Talk is, or how absolutely convenient a portable screen is for people who actually have a job, but I suppose that comes with the territory of who and what you are. After all, when it comes to clocking in, you are WAY better at cutting promos AFTER your matches than you are leading up to them! Count ol' Timmy in for going all-in when he's holding seven deuce off-suit instead of pocket rockets. Count on him to give his all when it matters fuck all and then trip and fall on his face when it actually comes to matches. And also count him in for offering up nothing interesting, funny, pointed, or even half correct!

Playing superhero with Ruby? Using Daddy's money? Hey, its almost like you didn't pay attention to the months and months and MONTHS I was on top while around here! I'm here to make sure that the current job squad stays away from MY territory, which is kicking Rubes in the teeth as hard as possible, because that's my peculiar institution! I'd give you a few hours to google that one so you have any idea of what I'm talking about, but I know that you'll just skim the definition while doing a desperate search for your name and then give up and cry. But don't worry, all of those big bucks Vinnie and Theo pay you to just kinda-sorta exist will ease up that pain, right? Because they LOOOOOOVE having you around, right? Someone to fill up the card? Someone to book against newbies so that they can start off with a win? Someone to toss over to Ned so that he can break up his losing streaks now and again? Hell, you have a GREAT spot on the card and in the company, ya know? Because SOMEONE needs to help Mastermind out of a professional funk, right?

Now listen, I know what its like holding that belt and having to deal with dumb shit like Taco and the Boston Bruiser. So just let me reset my alarm so that everyone can wake up after your 'retort' sends us back into Sleepytime Zone.

Sarah resets her alarm and puts on a sleeping mask.

Tommy Wish · **07-01-2020, 02:46 AM**

Tommy “kicks out” from a sleeping Sarah, he then puts the title on her sleeping body.

“TED talk huh, where’s the gray poupon then? Where’s the car you’d want to trade it in? Oh i know, nowhere to be founded on the count you managed to roll into the place. Plus, Green Day musta been willing to let you play their shitty music, because they haven’t been relevant since 2008, the time you became a woman of “culture” into the emo scene. The more times I fall on my face, is the more times you manage to make all the doves cry, when they cry, they cry until you manage to find one of your friends dead on a freebase incident.

So my promos are way better AFTER my matches right, well where was your After promo when you escaped Area 51? Oh wait, you were too busy trying to trying to prepare to be a guest ref on the next show, man i hope that those people who paid to see YOU in a ref gear, DEAMND their money back for all the bullshit you will put them through.

You being on top for months and months, was what I was afraid to learn. You already becoming Charlotte Flair, without the boob job; what next on Lacklan’s burial, you trying to be the next champion of everything. Those questions of why i’m in the ring, should be asked back to you also. But hey, who really cares about me, by now this belt would have been up in the air. Unlike you, i don’t have to sleep my way through a ‘retort’, since that means you shouldn’t be coming after me going for this title.”

Lacklan · **07-01-2020, 05:02 AM**

Sarah hugs the Federweight Championship tightly and smiles in her sleep.

Ah, there's my precious, all wrapped up and gifted by a dumbass who thinks name dropping and referencing other people is how victory is attained. Ah, there's my precious, handed to me by an idiot who assumes that a band hasn't dropped record-breaking albums since that one he heard one time twenty years ago. Ah, there's my precious, thrust away from the breast by a man who can sit talk for five minutes without actually saying anything.

She pulls off her sleeping mask and winks at Tommy.

But that's who you are, huh? A whole bunch of words thrown together that never actually say anything, right? Want to compare me to someone? Let's compare you! You're basically the Konrad Raab of the XWF: Always consistent, always showing up, always talking, but NEVER actually DOING anything, ya know? We can count on you to be there, count on you to exist, but we can also count on you to never actually DO anything worthwhile. Believe you me, while I certainly have plenty of Grey Poupon...which has literally nothing to do with a TED Talk, by the way, but I assume you just thought those random words kinda-sorta sounded interesting next to one another for some dumb reason...but you're basically just store brand mayo. Like, it's decent enough to go into some egg salad, or perhaps covered up by a bunch of spices, but you'd never really want to serve it on something which is supposed to taste good, huh?

But that's you! I'm the grey poupon and you are the store brand mayo. I'm the glass of Cabernet Sauvignon from the hills of Bordeaux and you're that cheap bottle of liquor some drunk carries around in a brown bag. I'm the movie star the entire production is built around, and you're the extra in the background hoping to get their elbow in the shot. I'm the room at the Bellagio with the perfect view of the water and lights fountain show, with the curtains drawn just in time for Sinatra to sing 'Fly Me to the Moon' and you're an overbooked room at Circus Circus when the housekeeping staff forgot to clean up some kid's puke.

But to put it in an XWF-specific sense: I'm the person who, when they said 'So long and thanks for all the fish,' people cried and whined. I'm the one that multiple War Games captains asked to come in as a surprise entrant. I'm the one who, when she came back a few weeks ago, caused a massive pop and stir from the boys and girls in the back. And you? You're the one booker's begrudgingly put on shows because, hey, at least they won't completely suck.

Oh! And another thing, I-

Sarah's eyes go wide and she points in front of her.

OMG! is that Salsa, the Wrestling Bear?!

Tommy predictably turns around to look and BOOM! Schoolgirl pin.

Tommy Wish · **07-01-2020, 06:04 AM**

Within the 2.999 second of the count, Tommy with all his power and might kicks out of the attempt. As he gets on his feet, he grabs the title and looks at the faceplate on it.

“You know what, this belt isn’t in my own image. It should have your face on it since you are the billion dollar princess, we haven’t heard of Sid Feder in like five or six years before you came into this place, so that wasn’t me just propping the belt onto you as a gift, it was a mere way of saying “fuk this shit” to higher ups. For all the times you keep emphasizing that I can’t say anything, is laughable. I mean, you could have just gotten away from this whole situation; there are many other titles in your tunnel vision.”

He shoves the title on her pretty little face.

“Since you are comparing me to Konrad Raab… Du bist der Pommes und ich bin der Cheeseburger. While you keep on saying that i can’t do anything worth while, then you are totally right; by now i should be elsewhere not being a trash talking champion, i should be making music in my studio; maybe this the time to admit defeat. You are giving me such an existential crisis, that you make my head hurt.

Plus, i don’t fuck with mayo at all, so your point is invalided beyond reasonable doubt. I don’t eat those fancy mayo sandwiches like your great ansectors did, those nasty mother fuckers would be likely the ones, who be screaming on top of their lungs at a local trader joes right now.”

Tommy pulls back from her, and in an act of defiance he does this…

[Image: AdolescentSourAsianpiedstarling-max-1mb.gif]

[Image: AdolescentSourAsianpiedstarling-max-1mb.gif]

“Have fun with it Sarah, i won’t be needing it at this point.”

Tommy walks away from the belt, as someone "counts" it.

Lacklan · **07-01-2020, 07:10 AM**

Sarah's face turns red and her voice turns that particular brand of banshee as she screams at the departing Tommy.

I'm from New England, jackass! My ancestors wouldn't have owned slaves!

Once he's around the corner and out of earshot, she looks away an mumbles ...they might have sold some, though...Industry with a capital I, and all...

Sarah looks down and sees the Federweight title, claps her hands and hops a few times in glee, picks it up and straps it around her waist. She flashes her Billion $$$ Smile but then looks around at the empty hallway in confusion.

Vinnie? Theo? Atticus? Ghost of Chubby? Anyone?!

**"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane** · **07-01-2020, 07:42 AM**

Yeahhhhh, Tom, she kinda lambasted you here a little bit, dude.

Winner and NEW Federweight Champion - Sarah Lacklan!

Lacklan · (07-01-2020)

Centurion · **07-01-2020, 10:33 AM**

This feels familiar...

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