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Mini Morbid · (08-05-2019)

Mini Morbid fires an arrow directly up and through the glass ceiling of the Federweight Hallway's garden alcove, where Sarah Lacklan sits smelling a flower or something else feminine and stupid.

The arrow strikes the underbelly of a passing MANTICORE, killing it instantly because MORBIDCITO is a champion of ARCHERY!!!

The massive beast crashes down through the glass and lands atop of the fragile and sad Sarah Lacklan, who is most likely mewling for mercy beneath the thorax of the legendary behemoth, ALLEGEDLY, because this cannot be proven though it is most likely true!!!

"ALAS, THE MIGHTY PHALLUS BETWEEN MY LEGS SERVES AS A DIVINING ROD AND HAS BROUGHT ME HERE TO FIND MY CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

Sarah Lacklan is an IMPOSTER! For too long she has been assumed to have regal blood in her PREMATURELY VARICOSE veins! But LO! The only thing in Lacklan's blood is a negative level of IRON, baffling modern medicine and shamans alike! PERHAPS SHE NEEDS A GOOD LEECHING!!!

OPEN YOUR ASS to the inevitable penetration of the VISCOUNT OF YOUR VAGINA!!! Fulfill your destiny as a BREEDING MARE for the future STALLIONS of Mini Morbidonia, or suffer the fate of an accidental periniotomy! YOU SHALL BURST AT THE SEAMS LIKE A WORN PAIR OF DUNAGAREES!!!! Then, when our young have finished suckling at your unimpressive teats, I will discard you upon the pile of used up fleshsacs and your GENEROUSLY ANOINTED WOMB will be donated to create the finest of shampoos and conditioners for my own personal use! YOU WILL GIVE MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR THE EXTRA SHINE AND BODY IT DESERVES WITH YOUR PLACENTA!!!! The hairs from the heads of the Mini Morbids are made to STRING THE HARPS OF ARCHANGELS! THIS IS A HIGH HONOR, YOU UNGRATEFUL SOW!!!!

If you are lucky, your PHRENOLOGICALLY INFERIOR HEAD will be shorn of its fleece, and the strands will be used to create bows for ceremonial cellos and violas FOR VIOLINS ARE AN ATROCITY AND ARE NOT PERMITTED IN OUR KINGDOM!!!! Songs of my conquests will be played on these instruments!!! YOUR BALDNESS WILL BE SEEN AS A TRIBUTE TO MY VIRILITY!!!!!

Also you will cook dinner."

Mini Morbid scales the corpse of the manticore, striking a dominant pose on top of its now motionless abdomen. A phalanx of the finest painters are shoved into the room and forced to compete for the best portrait of Mini on top of his kill, the winner will be permitted rations for the week, whereas the others will be disposed of.

1.

2.

Lacklan · **08-05-2019, 12:52 PM**

MMPH MMPH MMMMMMPH

Mini looks around and wonders what that sound is.

MMPH MMMMMMPH MMMMMMPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHH

A muffled buzzing? A-

WOAH!

Mini Morbid FLIES through the air, as does the steed...which clearly has a chunk...like a literal bite...out of its rear end. The steed lands on its feet, though stumbles a bit from the bit, and Morbid lands atop it. Sarah gets to her feet after kicking out of the pinfall and her face drips crimson from the steed’s blood, the color matching her eyes.

AND ANOTHER THING!

She looks around in confusion...sees the destruction of her loved and adored Federweight Hall (soon to be renamed Sarahweight, btw), and sees her adversary sitting atop his (now somewhat less than whole) steed...and she rolls her eyes so hard that Dolly felt it in the middle of the drug warren she’s being passed around in.

Oh FOR FUCKS SAKE...YOU AGAIN? Listen, I get it. I GET IT. You and a WHOLE bunch of people are TOTES mad that I am unSTOPpable on Anarchy. I get it! There are jealous bitches EVERYWHERE, ya know? Like, you’re all GRR ANGRY because I beat you...and Hootie...and Vita...and Mastermind...and Kuda...and Edgar...AND NOAH....and you are DYING for a chance at redemption. But there is NOTHING that you are going to be able to do about taking away a SINGLE part of the Queen of Anarchy’s Triple Crown. And you know why? Here we go:

You don’t do your research.

Yes yes, I KNOW that SOME people are ERMAHGERD NO ONE CARES but the FACT of the matter is that knowing your opponent MATTERS. For instance, I know that YOU are unable to get a single win to your name even when facing a fucking OWL! And since you ARE totes unable to get a win, that literally puts you in the same school of shitty as Mingermind, Jessalyn Hart, and the Boston Pissbaby. I mean, holy FUCK, even some of the Jobber family has been able to get their hands raised in 2019! That makes you a SPECIAL kind of shit-for-skills! And YOU think that YOU can beat THIS thoroughbred? WITHOUT research? Sweet Baby JESUS, even a SMALL look into ME would give you the knowledge that your dreams of bearing children with Billion $$$ Smiles is literally, physically impossible. You can’t bear fruit from crops that can’t grow, dipshit.

So where does that leave us? Where do you and I stand? It leaves us with me, the QUEEN of Anarchy, the QUEEN of the Triple Crown, who is STILL waiting for Noah to provide proof of me “stealing” from his promotional videos, bored to TEARS and waiting or a SINGLE challenge to grace my presence, and we have YOU whose psychical stature is only outdone by the amount of Ls on his resume. Seriously, not ONLY have I won THREE TIMES the amount of matches you have even HAD this year, I could SWIM in your sea of losses like I do my ENORMOUS shoe collection! And when it comes to swimming in your sea of loss and pathetic dreary mediocrity, I am the Great Platinum Shark and you’re the old crusty dude who gets ripped in half before he’s swallowed.

So by all means, keep trying to make yourself relevant off my shine. Keep trying to bring your dumbass three-block-long volcano country into a world sick and tired of fantasy-driven nonsense. Because by no means did I get my fill of kicking your scrawny ass when I tore down your flag and made it my own. I have it stuffed into an old bag of Lacklanland Pigeon Feed (steroid-free!) and surrounded by discarded pantyhose and empty bottles of lube, and I swear to GOD that I WILL pull it out again and shove it down your throat!

Theo Pryce · **08-05-2019, 03:00 PM**

3!!!

Winner and NEW FEDERWEIGHT CHAMP Mini Morbid

I know Mini Morbid. I like Mini Morbid. I don't know you. But to borrow a phrase from your generation you're "hella annoying."

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