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Lacklan · (05-26-2019)

“Are you SURE about this, Rox?”

“Oh, definitely, bb. I REALLY want to work on my form, or something.”

*****One Week Ago*****

Roxy Cotton checked her phone as she pretended to work on the exercise bike. The multi-time #ForeverChampion was known for some intense cardiovascular health, and an ability to go to extreme distances when wrestling or playing football, but most realized that the vast majority of her exercise came from dancing. While she didn’t perform on stage anymore, she still kept up with the art of dancing and teasing, and a slender waist and visible abs were the evidence of her dedication. As such, she didn’t really need to put in the extra workouts with the girls, but she still liked spending time with everyone. Well, most everyone.

“AND ANOTHER THING!”

She slowly blows out a bubble as the banshee’s screech of her friend Sarah split through the air in the gym, causing people to jump and weights to clang to the ground in surprise.

“How DARE you not have ALL of the weights I want! I canNOT beLIEVE that you DON’T have three quarter micro plates! What is this, some third world country? Did I get transported to Connecticut, or something? For fuck’s sake!”

She let the bubble pop and didn’t bother taking her eyes away from her phone. Sarah was the dreaded combination of diva, drama queen, AND spoiled rich brat, known in some circles as “The Paris Hilton Effect,” so these kinds of things were pretty commonplace when they all went out. The barista didn't put the H on the end of her name? Sarah screamed. The aisle seat wasn’t available at the movies? Sarah screamed. The restaurant didn’t have three different identification stickers to show that they were ultra organic? Sarah screamed.

“Cool your tits, babe!”

Roxy smirks as she hears her sister in #Clarity admonish the brat, which does bring up her green eyes. Kenzi Grey had her braids up into two balls, which made them kind of look like the little pom poms that the script called for Kid Kenzi in their next movie, and Roxy’s fingers twitched. She wants to touch Kenzi’s hair SO BAD. Just a little touch. That’s all! But she had been specifically forbade that by both members of the Grey-Lacklans, with Kenzi firm about never touching a black woman’s hair, and with Sarah having a superior smirk on her face and lots of suggestions about how she LOVED to get her hands all UP in Kenzi’s hair whenever she wanted. Whatever. She liked to remind Sarah that they were eskimo sisters and see her pale face turn green.

“Um...Kenzi? I think you meant ‘jets?’”

Roxy smiles broadly at Angie. Her best friend...and someone she dreaded having to break soon in UGWC...was clueless when it came to many things, and so she probably DIDN’T know the phrase in the way Kenzi used it. She loved Angie because of stuff like that.

“FINE! God. How am I supposed to work on this squat booty without the proper equipment?!”

Roxy rolls her eyes as Sarah continues to make a scene, but the girl finally cooled down. The two of them had had a mostly contentions relationship in the nearly two years they knew one another, and most of that was due to them being too similar. They were both strong-willed and stubborn, and both loved Kenzi, though certainly in different ways. Roxy had gained influence on Kenzi from early on, and that had pissed Sarah off beyond belief, and while they had never really talked about it, it had been an issue between them for a long time. But an incident at Sarah’s step-mother’s house where Roxy had accidentally gotten high and fallen out of a window had left Sarah in genuine tears of concern, and the two had patched up much of their issues. Well, some of them anyway. And-

Roxy’s thoughts come to a sudden stop as she realizes that much movement around her had frozen. Several gross guys were on bikes and treadmills, each more fat and sweaty than the last, and all of them had stopped what they were doing and were staring. Guys did that a lot at the gym, of course, but this was pretty drastic. Roxy follows their line of site and sees that they are staring at the rear end of Sarah, who had begun a deadlift session. The girl was strong, had always been, and had regained a good deal of the muscle the car accident and time in the wheelchair had cost her, and her rear, the #SquatBooty she liked to talk about, was mostly on display due to her position and the very little pair of shorts she was wearing. And as she continues her workout, the guys staring and drooling, a light bulb goes off in Roxy’s head. A light bulb quickly followed by the sound of a cash register.

CHA-CHING!

*****Present*****

Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, known professionally in the wrestling world as Sarah Lacklan, stands before the bar in the power rack, her eyes closed, her breathing measured. Dressed in scandalously little, Sarah’s muscles push out from her pale frame in the light of the gym as she clenches and relaxed her legs and abs in preparation of the lift. She wears a sports bra tight enough to leave little to the imagination of what lies underneath, as well as a pair of shorts so tight as to seem painted on, both black with red flames along the border. She flexes her feet, both without shoes and wrapped in white tape along the arch, then slowly presses herself up to her toes in a releve, her calves popping out with a tremble, her rear tightening. She then slowly lowers herself back down to her flat feet, leans forward and down to place herself under the bar, and then lifts up after her fingers find purchase on the beveled surface. She backs up a few steps, pulling the bar free from its rack, then opens her eyes to make sure she is standing straight and tall.

“...this is all...um...perfect…”

Behind her, Roxy Cotton records the workout with a camera, the letters “DGP” written across the side. She had zoomed in on various body parts as Sarah prepped for the lift, capturing every curve of the girl.

“...this will really help with my...er...form. Definitely.”

Sarah opens her mouth wide, her famously bright teeth shining briefly in the light, as she takes in a large breath, her stomach distending before collapsing as she engages her quads. She lowers herself down into a squat, her rear falling below the line of her knees, and Roxy’s camera zooms in on her lower half, catching every inch of the barely-there workout clothes. Sarah exhales the breath as she pushes back up, her legs straightening at the top, before taking in another breath and repeating the process. A third. Fourth. After the fifth, Sarah pushes forward and slams the bar back onto the rack, leans down and back, and comes back to a standing position. She breathes hard for a moment, her ghostly white face flushed with the exertion, and closes her eyes.

Standing behind her, Roxy takes a moment to look around. As before, there were quite a few schmoes slobbering over the obscene sight of Sarah working out, enjoying the view of a hot athletic girl making them all look weak. Roxy’s plan to use this footage as part of her cam network was a secret for now, but she had a pipe dream that it would lead to what she REALLY wanted from Sarah: An entire revenue stream based around the sexuality of her notorious vlogger friend.

*****Too many instances in the past to count, literally just plucked one at random*****

“Listen, bb, I’m not say you two FUCK on camera all in-depth or anything, I-”

“No.”

“There is a HUGE audience for-”

“No.”

“What about just your feet. I bet-”

“No.”

“But you guys would make a KILLING in the interracial lesbian nude wrestling market!”

“No.”

“Okay, okay. But...and I'm just guessing here...don't you already HAVE a video of Kenzi dominating you? In your private collection?”

“..........”

“See! You could buy a LOT of shoes with that!”

*fingers momentarily twitch*

“No.”

“Oh, come ON!”

*****Present*****

Roxy recorded Sarah’s workout for her later “instruction” and “learning opportunities” with an increasing crowd surrounding them. Squats turned to overhead presses which turned to deadlifts. Roxy almost felt sorry for the one guy, who couldn’t have been older than 17 or 18 and had probably never touched a girl, who had to hide his crotch as he ran for the bathroom. Once again, the dollar signs filled Roxy’s eyes and the sound of the cash register run in her ears as Sarah’s workout make men of all flavors and sizes unabashedly look at her.

Despite herself, Roxy was impressed, as she always was when working with Sarah. The girl was pathetically short, with both her AND Kenzi only being 5’2”, but she packed on a lot of weight on that frame, most in her lower body. Sarah had shared the story...many, MANY times...about how her father had allowed her to start working out with him on her fourteenth birthday, and by the time they met a couple of years ago, Sarah was a surprising brickhouse that people didn’t anticipate when they saw all the shockingly ugly dresses she wore. Roxy knew that Sarah’s fashion was part of her mind games, as no one expected a legitimate world class athlete to be dressed for a New York fashion show, and it was effective. People assumed she would be a flyer, perhaps would flip sixteen times in the air or something, and then their eyes bugged open with she caught them with her right hook, or with her Shining Wizard, and then often found themselves tapping out immediately when she hooked in her crossface chickenwing and grapevined them to the ground.

Roxy hadn’t known Sarah for terribly long before the accident, though. Just a few months. They didn’t like each other then. At all. They were catty with one another, and sometimes even antagonistic, and all she really cared about when Sarah ended up in a coma for a few days and later the wheelchair was that it upset Kenzi. Though, Roxy did her part as a member of the Cool Kids: She SarahSat once, and even helped give Sarah’s podcast the biggest spike in views it had ever had by doing her camshow on her network.

Roxy had been there for Sarah when she went through rehab. They worked together, trained together, and she saw Sarah go from needing heavy braces on her legs to being able to move without them pretty darn well. She still wore them, of course, and likely would for the rest of her career, at least if she was smart. But in the last year or so, she had seen Sarah gain back much of what she had lost, if not all of it, and it was pretty inspiring.

She hated admitting that.

There was an audible groan of disappointment when Sarah finally ended her session. The girl looked up, her face glowing with exertion, with a look of curiosity, but all of the schmoes around did a great job of suddenly doing other things and looking at other places. Sarah looks at Roxy with a questioning lift of one of those annoying perfect eyebrows of hers but she just gives her a shrug.

Roxy couldn’t help but notice how old Sarah looked right then. No makeup and covered in sweat, she was hardly the “Blood Princess” who typically wore so much “war paint” as to seem a raccoon cosplaying as a geisha, but there was more to it than that. Two deep lines cut into her face from the corners of her eyes and along her chin, as well as tiny crows feet pushing away from her weird red eyes, all of which made her look far older than her 21 years. The last year and a half had two major blows to Sarah, first the accident and then finding out nearly a year go that she was infertile, and it clearly showed on her face. Roxy had taken so much birth control since she burned away her previous life...a life so hard that she refused to talk about it to even the rest of the girls...that she doubt it was even physically possible to have kids...not like she wanted the sniveling brats...but Sarah did. In a twist of irony, Kenzi, who had little desire to have children, something to offset the burning desperation for them that Sarah had developed when her clock started ticking louder than Big Ben announcing the hour back in December of 2017, had agreed to children in five years, at a time when they would be largely done with being wrestlers.

And then Sarah learned of her cysts.

Even Roxy had shed tears over the news that Sarah’s life would literally be in danger if she went forward with her plan to have children. Apparently, it ran in the family, as her own mother had died due to complications giving birth. The same complications that Sarah would likely have.

It was not surprising that Sarah’s face had aged so much.

Freshly showered and shoved into one her stupid dresses, her face again covered in what seemed like half a container of base and an entire eyeliner pen, Sarah was ready to go to lunch. Roxy chose one of the vegan restaurants that had already passed the rigorous standards of Sarah previously, because she did NOT want to listen to Sarah go all Orange County Soccer Mom with “I’d like to speak to a manager!” today, and they got their food to go since she had a lot of work to do at home. The smell of organic tofu was wonderful in her car, even IF Sarah had gotten the “Almost Chicken...maybe?” plate. Sarah wasn’t WOKE like she and Kenzi were, though she was at least trying for her wife’s benefit, so that was at least nice of her. Roxy let Sarah drive, as she usually did, though she noticed that much of the lessons she had taught the girl were being ignored. She wasn’t even speeding! Sarah had rambled on about wanting to actually pass the test this time, or whatever, but Roxy got bored and stopped listening.

Lunch in the Pink Palisades with Sarah was both a chore and treat. While the Grey-Lacklans had moved around a bit in the last two years, they had ultimately put roots down in West Hollywood, only an hour or so from her and Vinnie. This meant that, even with their busy schedules, the four of them were spending a lot of time together in various groupings and pairings. Sarah was fun to have around for the sheer inanity of how she acted, but that also meant her constantly complaining about how her and Vinnie didn’t have anywhere NEAR the amount of servants they should for a place as big as the Palisades. And the more Roxy listened to Sarah complain...loudly...about how wonderful it was for people to handle things for you, like she had when she was growing up, and like she somewhat had with her Legion of Interns, it started to make the idea more and more attractive.

But much to Roxy’s surprise, the conversation of this lunch went in a direction she never would have seen coming.

Sarah had grown quite as Roxy looked over paperwork for the club. Roxy was looking over numbers, and a smile creeps onto her face as she thinks about the suddenly quiet Sarah. For all of her intelligence, math was NOT Sarah’s strong suit. Even beginning algebra seemed to make her eyes glaze over! But she stopped perusing the dancers’ totals from the night before when Sarah spoke up suddenly.

“...I’m sorry that I was such a bitch in LAW.”

Roxy looks up from her paperwork and rose her eyebrows. They had discussed this before, had gotten over...mostly...how they used to treat one another. But as she opens her mouth to say as much, Sarah continues.

“...I was jealous of you.”

Sarah looks up and true sincerity shines in her eyes.

“My Beloved never seems to see when someone is flirting...or even when blatantly is trying to make a move on her...so it’s up to me to always stay vigilant. Not because I don’t trust her, of course, but because I don’t trust other people when it comes to stuff like that.”

Roxy gives her a small nod. They didn’t like talking about it, but someone, an old friend, had tried to sexually assault Sarah once.

“And in the beginning, a lot of my anger towards you was because I thought you were one of them. And lets face it: You’re older and more experienced. Your taller. And...well...rounder in certain areas...even IF its not EXACTLY how God envisioned you…”

Roxy’s mouth tightens at that.

“...but I was genuinely afraid. Without Kenzi, I’m…”

Her eyes begin to shine.

“...I’m nothing…”

Surprising even herself, Roxy leans forward and grabs her smaller friend in a tight embrace. After a moment, Sarah hugs her back. Roxy is filled with an odd mixture of surprise and flattery...and a bit of...what...glee? Happiness? There was more she could dig for, here. More she could mine. Perhaps-

“OMG WHAT IS THAT?!”

Roxy grimaces in pain as Sarah suddenly screeches in her ear. She pushes Sarah away, fingers already moving to her temple to fight off the coming headache, and she hears Sarah get up off the couch. She opens her eyes and focuses on Sarah to see what she had found and picked up:

The latest copy of the XWF video game, WARFARE.

“Oh, that’s just-”

“I WANNA PLAY!”

Before Roxy can even move, Sarah was already skipping...literally skipping, with her ponytail flipping back and forth like in a commercial for Alterna’s newest caviar-infused shampoo...towards their entertainment center. And even faster, Sarah busts out that ridiculous Windows phone of hers and-

“C’mon! Time to clock in!”

~~Presenting the PrincessTwilightSexyFang podcast, as viewed on CoolTube~~

HIIIIIII-iiiiiiiiii!

This is Sarah Lacklan….

………

I SAID...this is SARAH LACKLAN

*an audible sigh*

...marketing genius…

MARKETING GENIUS! And I’m here with one of my uber bestiest of besties, Roxy Cotton and….woah! My viewers just shot through the roof!

Gee, I wonder why…

Weird. N-E-Ways, one half of the #CoolKids are here today for what is going to be an EPIC Let’s Play!

Hold on, bb. Let me go get my Cross-Semici-

I TOLD you to drop that bit, Rox. Little blurry, “friend.”

But-

I beat Lucy freakin’ Wylde by over .2 while you couldn’t even get .05 over Rydell. Want to keep going?

.............FINE. Whatever.

So! As you can imagine, once the execs in the XWF realized just how MUCH of a commodity they had in me, they decided that the BEST thing to do was to throw a SHIT-TON of Sarah content into the game! In fact, I JUST recorded a commercial for the game a couple of days ago...though you would not BELIEVE the adventure that I had afterward...lets just say that it included PTSD, drinking a fat guy under the table, reminding Rain...again…that kissing your sister is a BAD thing...and a TON of new shoes.

That last part sounds like fun.

Oh, it was! But holy FUCK do I need to hide that credit card statement before Kenzi sees it! N-E-Ways, most of the work I have been doing for the game is basically being featured in an entire overhaul of the system. For instance, ya know how the majority of the game’s “Road to Shane’s Respect” mode is basically about how much scat pics you can put up while celebrating incest? That shit is GONE! Instead, based around MY career and KILLER takes on wrestling, its been changed to the “Road to Becoming a Worthwhile Company...THANK YOU, QUEEN SARAH!” Like, they didn’t REALLY need to include that last part, but its sweet, nonetheless.

Another MAJOR change in the game is reversal mechanics! The system WAS based on Mastermind’s run as Xtreme Champion, wherein all you have to do to kick out of a pinfall attempt was to, like, breathe, or something, but NOW, thanks to my KILLER reversal skills, the entire SYSTEM is different. See, through the use of those body sensor things...which might be used for some OTHER activities among the nerds who make the game…

Ew.

...my reversal and counter skills have been incorporated. Something trying to punch you in the face? Press a few buttons and BLAMO! You can catch their arm, drive them to the floor, and lock in an armlock. Someone trying to bring you up and down with a big powerbomb? Use up a stored special, do a fireball motion, and SPEW! Purple mist to the face and you’re on your feet, ready to go. Hell, someone pinning you? Bust out that stored special, do a complex series of button presses (please consult my 27-page powerpoint presentation which comes with the newest DLC patch) and BOOM! Pigeonwing!

I thought someone said your moveset was lame, bb.

Craxy what people will say when they are clutching their pearls, huh? N-E-Ways, ANOTHER update you got with the game is that now EVERYONE has up to FOUR different outfits for their character, because the designers are SO blown away by my Firestarter Brand of clothing-

Cotton’s Candies is the best part.

-that they knew just having my ALTS in the game wasn’t enough! They needed a PLETHORA of my killer color schemes in there, too! Black and red-

Maybe Kenzi will stop crying now

Green and gold, SO MANY COLORS! And what’s fun about THAT is now you can all KINDS of color when you do some of those “lets press random and play a Leap of Faith” match session.

Probably the only way anyone ever chooses Tommy…

Axly, that’s who the new “Winner Gets to Jerk Off in the Loser’s Shoe” match is for

...I hate you…

Now, as I mention in the commercial, there are a TON of tiny updates and bug fixes, so the game should be a LOT smoother now! So without further adieu, lets play! I am, of course, going to be one of my MANY alts included in the game, and Roxy here is going to VINNIEFIED EVELYN LANE YOU PUT SOME CLOTHES ON RIGHT NOW

Dude?

NO JUST WEARING A FANNY PACK DOESN’T COUNT AS PANTS

Dude! Dude dude.

ROXY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MY EYES ARE BURNING

...ugh, you are SUCH a drama queen. Vinnie, bb, I’ll meet you in the spa later?

Dude.

Thank you! OMG WHY IS YOUR BUM COVERED IN WHIPPED CREAM?!

Like you’ve never-

PLAYING VIDEO GAMES NOW

Alright! The FIRST matchup for you guys today just SO HAPPENS to be between two members of opposing War Games teams? Craxy coincidence, huh? One one side, we have the Thadmeister, who is...let’s face it...perhaps the BIGGEST disappointment in the entirety of the War Games promotional cycle. Yes yes, I KNOW that a BUNCH of you fedora-tipping tryhards are going to bust out “ACTUALLY, M’LADY!” and talk about Rain making out with his sister for weeks on end, but at least he’s DOING something! And seriously, like kissing your cousin in backwoods Connecticut-

wait

wait

All those fucking bug fixes and they STILL missed that typo?! Jesus, CHRIST! Whatever. Missing...kissing...same thing…

N-E-Ways, people LOVE giving Rain shit for his, lets be honest here, gross-as-FLAME romantic interests (though Centy really needs to avoid making up shit on Twitter...Rain is gross enough as it is and doesn’t need the embellishment, tbh), but at least he’s here! Thad has been so busy having incestuous orgies with the rest of his sloped-forehead, bucked-tooth, cross-eyed inbred family of insanely rich scholars/heads of secret organizations/probs a few other test tube babies to remember that he has been booked for this thing. Hell, he’s been SO busy gettin’ it on with some human/hog hybrid in a barn while one of his aunts plays a romantic little ditty on a bango for the mood that he hasn’t even posted one of his shitty college sports takes on Twitter!

I suppose the moral of the story is this, and this goes out to EVERY person in the XWF:

Stop taking shitty-ass newbies who haven’t done SHIT in the fed and making them feel important by booking them in all of the matches they beg for. Stop letting Kid Kool book his own matches. Stop letting people with one or two matches get a Hart or Television title shot. Stop letting unproven lowercard attractions like Ned get WORLD FUCKING TITLE MATCHES. And stop letting someone like Thaddeus over here be treated like something other than he is, which is a dude who is barely holding onto a .500 record and cannot...cannot not….CANNOT cut a promo to save his FUCKING LIFE unless he can do that shitty copy/paste routine, just because of his NAME.

Yes, I’m a second generation wrestlers. Yes, my last name means something. Hell, both sides of the hyphen do! But did I join any of the companies where my father was a member of the hall of fame? NO! My very first match was in a fed where I didn’t even KNOW anyone outside of a few jests or quips through social media! I forged my OWN path, made my OWN name, and ADDED to its legacy, and didn’t just suck at the teat of what has come before me. And unfortunately for Thad over here, it seems that the teat has run dry.

So! In celebration of the sheer shitbag Thad has turned out to be, I’ve chosen to bust the Mysterious MIKO who competed in a Masked Tag League a couple of years ago! And in a new update to the game which has brought in some Mortal Kombat deaths, I’m going to slice his head off with a couple of razor edge fans!

Hmmmmmm. Up next is Mastermind! Old dude with an ugly hat. Now, last time around I kinda-sorta made fun of him for only being able to find relevance when he had his chick speaking for him and when he can internal a craxy dude killing people for shitty reasons, and this time around-

-well-

-nothing much has changed, huh? Like, seriously, unless something REALLY big happens for him to be able grab onto, he just doesn’t have much depth to him, ya know? He’s one of THOSE GUYS. Like, seriously, without the opportunity to wait until the last moment and base every single thing he has to say on what everyone else is doing (AKA: the “bitch” gimmick here in the video game), he’s just a bag of fluff. Legit, less than a THIRD of his LAST promotional video for this thing was even about anything anyone cares about! I’m not the best at math or anything...fucking hated that shit in school...but I’m PRETTY sure that THAT equation sucks ass!

Now, I DO know that not EVERYONE can be like me, ya know? Not EVERYONE can research their opponents thoroughly and know what they are going to say, or how they are going to train and prepare, ahead of time. The people who CAN’T do that DO have a place in this business. Of course, that place is at or near the bottom, obvs. That place is with their shoulders pinned to the mat and their eyes glazed over as they stare up at the lights. And that is Mastermind’s default, unfortunately.

“But-”

No buts on this, baby birds. Mastermind is the guy who has grandiose thoughts but little in the way of content. He’s probably got this massive entrance planned out, where he, like, comes down to the ring on top of a Flying Magic Mastered Your Mind T-Shirt, with his girl riding shotgun as they sing A Whole New World with some shitty modern modulation to the voices like in the new Aladdin movie, and there’s a row of kangaroos doing a kickline, and confetti balloons. Crowd goes nuts for them in an explosion of light. And it’s AWESOME.

And then the bell rings.

And all he’s got is a couple of kicks and punches.

Which they did AWESOME in the game! Legit, the crowd starts booing as soon as he throws one of his old man punches, and then half of them fall asleep when they show in inset compilation video of his XTREEEEEEEME KIIIIIICKOOOOOOOUTS, and even Mastermind himself just kinda stops doing stuff because he’s bored HIMSELF with how BORING he is.

Luckily for the crowd, that’s where The Pirate Queen comes into play! While I’m not exactly going to apply the “Swap me deck, ye scurvy harlot!” Super Finisher on him (that one’s private!), but I WILL be ready and willing to make him walk the plank when it’s time. I expect to see him near the end of the War Games match, since he DOES some REAL losers on his team, but not at the very end. He just doesn’t have the depth for that.

I recently analyzed Eddy’s lack of momentum, and how he got ghosted by it, and unfortunately for him, he kina proved my point the last couple of weeks. He had a chance! He had a shot! He could have come in with GUNS BLAZING and shocked the world! Instead, he did exactly what we expected of him:

He kinda forgot that he was in a match.

This happens, ya know? When it comes to people who are BARELY THERE, keeping their heads above water, you tend to lose focus. And while I DO appreciate his support of the Lingerie Football League (GOOOOooooooooOOOOOOO HITGIRLS!), I do NOT approve of him blowing off much in the way of his responsibilities for it. Speaking as someone who does a LOT of different ventures, I know VERY well what it is like to be pulled into different directions, but UNLIKE yours truly, Eddy doesn’t seem capable of handling it all. And that’s just not going to cut it.

Make no mistake: I LIKE Eddy. I like MOST of my Anarchy subjects. They love ME as their Queen, ya now? Its just that I’m so...so…disappointed? Yes, that’s the right word. I’m the Mumsie who is disappointed by one of her baby birds only doing half the work at school they are supposed to. I’m the Mumsie who KNOWS that her baby boy can do SO MUCH. He’s SO SMART. He just forgets to turn in his homework, ya know? But he knows the answers, teacher!

But he doesn’t get the grade.

The game designers did a good job of translating him into Warfare. He’s brutal, with primate strength...and has a 50% chance of not showing up with you choose to play as him. Nice touch! For myself, I decided to bust out Darth Sarah, because FUCK that Star Track nonsense that Kenzi watches!

While I expect Thad to be out of the War Games match VERY fast...if he can even put his cousin down long enough to make it to the arena in the first place...Luna isn’t going to be far behind. Because she did exactly what I said she would do: Blew off work for as long as possible, mumbled a few words that were based off a level of research that amounted to the barest of glimpses at some public profile pages, and then clocked out as soon as she could. And much like Eddy’s inability to handle more than a couple of activities is not going to cut it against someone like me, the same goes for Luna: Being barely there is going to result in a massive L being placed on her chest.

This seems to be the theme for Team Ned, ya know? Thad gets placed into some important matches even though he’s barely there. Mastermind is wholly outclassed because of how little attention he pays to the business. Edward’s daftness is often too much for Thurston to compensate for. And Luna is so sidetracked by tiny details that come nowhere near the whole of her opponents that he placement in this match is basically to be as fodder. But then again, I axly KNOW that because I axly KNOW my opponents. Unlike Luna, here.

Now, I’m SURE that she is going to just focus in on her Inner Badass and go all Rambo on everyone. Probs toss out some lines like “You drew first blood” or about a need to save a missing private, but we all know what is AXLY going to happen. See, she’s going to end up going face to face with me, the person who made the Blackwaters look dumb, exposed Corey for what he is, made Eli leave for ANOTHER rebirth, proved that Dolly just didn’t have it in her, and triggered a “badass” in record time without even trying. She is going to go deep into that well...deep into that “weakness” of hers...and go from “I would like to rage” to “I use RELENTLESS RAGE,” become exhausted when she realizes that her gun STILL doesn’t have any ammo in it, and then just kinda fall onto her back.

That’s why I chose Sarha as my character this time. Because Luna’s rudimentary skills aren’t even developed enough to beat up 15-year-old me.

People feel sorry for Big D. His inexperience in the fed shown through as he assembled our mottle crew. He didn’t know about how distracted War Piggie gets. He didn’t realize how...well...GILLY...Gilly can be. He didn’t realize exactly WHAT he was getting in Rain, though the people who give him shit for passing on Scully should realize that, at least at the time of THIS Let’s Play, the Scullmeister has amounted to a big fat zero. But! People need to start feeling sorry for Ned, too.

I know I do.

I GET what it is like to THINK that you are WAY better than you think you are. I mean, I don’t have the problem MYSELF, but I HAVE heard people talking who could empathize. Nedward was all SET to take the fed by storm! He was hyping! He was tweeting! He was doing stuff! And even though his actually abilities INSIDE the ring amounted to a big ol’ MEH from everyone, the brass were still giving him opportunities, right?!

“DA CHAMP PICKED ME!”

To squish him, sure, but we already covered that last time.

“SUPERSTAR OF THE MONTH”

For tweeting and getting people to tune into him being a midcarder, but, again, we covered that last time.

“BUT MY TEAM”

And that is where I hope that tears of sorrow come for Ned. He THOUGHT he was doing a great thing. He THOUGHT he was amassing a team of awesomeness...or at least one that could function together. But, like my own captain, he showed much of his inexperience and inability to understand the playing field. Getting all caught up on your own hype can be a problem, and I think Ned has. Because when you fail in the ring, and your hype ends, all of it ends. You strip away Ned’s hype, you strip away the “new” smell, you strip away the silly nickname that doesn’t axly apply to him, and all you have is someone trying REALLY hard and getting nothing but “well...I thought it would work” in its stead.

Just like his claims that his team would work together.

Both Mastermind and Luna are worth little more than momentary concentration on their opponents, and while Eddy IS wonderfully correct in his assessment that I AM a badass warrior, much of his contributions are going to amount to “too little, too late.” And I have already discussed...at length...about his poor choice in Thad, in putting so much hope and emphasis on someone’s name.

Roll your eyes and giggle at D’s choices all you want, posterity is going to do as much for Ned.

Now, I’m not exactly one to harp on “OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU SAID THIS ABOUT ME IN YOUR PROMO PLEASE HOLD ON WHILE I GO THROUGH IT LINE BY LINE” and all of that silliness, but Ned DID say something about me recently which I wish to remark upon:

My dedication to this team.

I will be the first to admit that I am probs the BEST at self-promotion. Self-promotion is very important in this sport, as WE are both our first defense AND offense. And with all of my ventures, I spend a LOT of time talking about myself, much to the utter joy of MANY people, but in doing so I NEVER lose sight of the MOST important thing:

Victory.

THAT, baby birds, is what most important to me. Yes yes, I love shoes, and cute-as-flame dwarf bunnies who wear eyeliner to match mine, and purses, and a billion other things, but victory! Victory, above ALL! Victory is why we are here. Victory is why we DO this thing. Sure, I’m not exactly going to get all “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” with my teammates, but that does not mean that I am going to sacrifice a single one of them at the cost of victory. This is, after all, a team event.

Now, if this was a battle royal or something, the would be FUUUUUUUCKED, let me tell you!

But this? This is all or nothing. This is my hand raised in victory at the end or a big ol’ L in the record books, which would be a first for me in the XWF. And by no means am I going to allow whether or not my team likes to get cookies after the show and swap kissing stories with faces blushed like we are in middle school affect that W I am in search of. And it is because of that desire for the victory, because I consider that victory PARAMOUNT above all things, I am going to do whatever I need to to bring my teammates up to my level. Well, as close as they can get, anyway. Some of them have to travel a LOOOOOOONG way up, let me tell you.

But they WILL be up on Sunday. They WILL be higher than they have ever been. Rain is going to stand straighter. War Piggie is going to be manscaped. Gilly will be less greasy. D will be more interesting. And we WILL win.

In the end, the reality of the situation is that Ned is that guy who has found himself in WAY over his head. The competition is stiffer than he thought. His skills are less refined than he thought. His marketing and promotion edges are more dull than he thought. And unfortunately for him, he drew the worst thing possible after the teams were drafted and matches were booked:

The Queen of Anarchy.

So, my default character for him. Because at the end of all of this, he is going to find himself falling to his knees, his eyes glazed over, as he AGAIN gets beat by people he didn’t realize were so FAR above his level, and wonder in awe at the person Main fears to face.

Maybe he’ll tweet about it.

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