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**"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane** · (05-08-2019)

Vinnie Lane uses his skeleton key to enter Sarah Lacklan's private sleeping chamber. He sees what looks like an oxygen tent? Then peers inside and sees the reigning XWF King Queen of the Ring asleep on top of what looks like at least three dozen mattresses and surrounded by fluffy throw pillows, and with her crown still on her head as well as the Federweight Title on her shoulder.

"Aw. Look at her sleeping like a little angel! I can't believe Rox put me up to this... stupid bet..."

Vinnie then produces a tiny pea and sticks it underneath one of the mattresses closest to the floor. He then scampers up the ladder to the top of the bed... just in time! Sarah notices the miniscule discomfort from the pea under her 34th mattress and sits up dramatically, just in time to be whacked in the face by an official XWF Frying Pan swung by Loverboy.

CLANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Sarah flops backward onto the bed and Vinnie places one finger on her forehead and holds up his cell phone, reading from it like a teleprompter.

"Sigh... I hope Sarah doesn't get mad about me saying all this stuff. Alright here goes...

Sarah Lacklan calls herself the Blood Princess because she's on her period 364 days a year. Lacklanland cuisine consists of offal and tripe, mercury-laden shellfish, and something called a 'Lacklanland Pheasant' which somehow manages to be 110% fat. There are spiders the size of monster trucks, and she names them. Until she was 15 years old, these were her only friends. After 15? She was 'friends' with every boy in Northern Maine for 20 minutes at a time until her daddy locked her in a bedroom in a tall tower because he was afraid of her getting knocked up by someone who wasn't related to them. Every Lacklan's procreational goal is to have a thinner family tree than Charles II of Spain, because Jean-Paul was jealous of the Hapsburg Jaw. Christ Rox, what did you do, binge watch The Tudors before writing this?"

Vinnie pauses and makes sure that Sarah is still snoozing. She is. Loudly. She should probably get a CPAP Machine.

"Sarah is totes... ubes... obvs... NOT the leader of the CoolKids, which is why Roxy Cotton, who is way hotter, smarter, taller, and tanner than Sarah, is well on her way to being the better UGWC Cross-Semicircle Champion than she was. Also, Sarah has a lot of grey hairs. Like, a LOT. She just colors them. By the way, albinos smell funny. Like onions. Or maye it's because she eats a lot of onions, because she def does eat a lot of onions. She puts onions on everything. Especially fish, which she also eats WAY too much of. She has hammer toes and tries to hide them with expensive shoes, but all that does is accentuate her cankles, which she tried to tell me were there on purpose from all the squats, and I was like, uh, Sarah, that's like not even how squats work? And she was all STFU you don't do them right and then I was like I totally do but she was like whatever and so I was like whatever. Oh, and one of her boobs is even smaller than the other, which is already really small. It's like she has both kinds of chihuahua under her shirt, the deer head and the apple head. So weird. Thanks for taking her title, Vinnie, I'll give you a big wet BJ later on. Oh, don't read that last part out loud though."

Vinnie looks up with a grimace.

"Crap."

He then swipes at his phone and turns it around, showing a Facetime with referee Virginia Hymen, who starts the count.

1!

2!

Lacklan · **05-08-2019, 11:43 AM**

Sarah’s eyes slowly open, the red irises glazed over and still thinking of her favorite sex dream with Kenzi (you know, the one with the vat of marshmallows?) as words wash over her. Some register, some do not, but the pain in her forehead certainly does. She had been hit in the head with one of the kitchen utensils she suggest they sell, because Marketing Genius™, and her head hurt more than that one time Roxy tried to explain how Scientology did NOT rip off TONS of money from her bank account before Step-Mumsie (rightfully...she admitted grudgingly…) cut her off and made her wait for her trust fund in a few years. And as the realization of the facetime’d pinfall dawned on her, she reacted with the tactic (and probs soon to be added as a Signature Move) that had gotten everything for her the vast majority of her life:

She screamed

Summoning her Inner Child Sarah, the Blood Princess’ scream split Vinnie’s ears so deeply that all he knew was light, and he found himself blind. His entire body was filled by the scream, a scream so powerful that all the banshees in Ireland stopped what they were doing in order to take notes, and his body became wracked with pain. So deep was the pain, that he was unable to stop Sarah from sitting up and breaking the pinfall as the referee’s hand was close to taking away her title.

Sarah’s red eyes take stock of her situation. She was in her bedroom at home, atop the mountain of mattresses befitting her station, taking a nap before she surprises Kenzi at work with some KILLER under-the-table sexytime, and she...again...regrets giving the #ForeverFiancees a key to their home. She KNEW moving near Roxy and Vinnie was NOT the best idea, and this was just ANOTHER time one of them showed up at an odd hour doing something totes weird. Then Sarah’s eyes narrow as the words spoken by Vinnie sink in. She grabs her glasses from her nightstand (also held aloft by a mountain of pillows so that it could reach the appropriate height of a princess, dubs), plops them on her face, and lets Vinnie know what she thinks.

“So, like, OBVS this is how you REALLY feel about me! Like, it CAN’T be anything from Roxy, since she adores and worships me, so it MUST be from you! So let me tell YOU, Mister My Fed is Barely Hanging on by a Thread, how I feel!

You want my title? You want to pull a circle jerk and force me to lay down for yourself! Puh-LEAZE! Without THIS beautiful face and this Billion $$$ Smile, your company would be full of nothing but video game characters, superpowered “brothers” who all sound, like, the same...like, LITERALLY all sound the same...someone who somehow ripping off both Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaab AND Redmaine while simultaneously failing at both, washed-up “legends” who can’t do jack shit after their return promo and stare up at the lights in their second match, and nimrods who think that cutting promos by using randomswearword.com makes them entertaining! Without ME here to be the Federweight Champion, you have guys like TinyD (GOOOOoooooooooOOOO WAR GAME CAPTAIN!) who thinks that they can get away with not axly watching your promos and thinking that surface content is the lot of you, or guys like Black/Whyte/Shitty-as-FUCK-gimmick who tuck their dicks so far up their asses when challenged to fight in a REAL match on a REAL show that they make even LUX look masculine...and he’s transitioning into a girl!. WITHOUT ME you would have nothing but unoriginal and uncreative dipshits who think that basing their ENTIRE promo off what the OTHER guy said and did is main event worthy, instead of the toxic fed-killing cancer that it is!”

Sarah leans forward so that she is right up in Vinnie’s face, the poor man’s eyesight still mostly clouded from the scream, and looks up with burning eyes.

“I am the reason why this company is so flush with cash! I am the reason why there are so many new bodies coming in! I am the reason why EVERYONE is talking about the XWF! People all to their KNEES in AWE when I open my mouth to speak! ‘Holy shitballs!’ they say. ‘How can we EVER be like you?!’ they cry. They WEEP at my passing! They LUST for even a WHIFF of my new Firestarter Marshmallow perfume. They BEG and PLEAD to be eviscerated by the VOICE of the Federweight, the QUEEN of Anarchy!”

She jams one of her perfectly-manicured fingers into his chest.

“So you take your Salvatore-level repertoire of insults and crawl on back to Midcard Hell with the REST of the never-do-wells you all a roster and THANK your FUCKING LUCKY STARS that I am here!

“Oh! And ANOTHER thing! Want PROOF of what this place would be like without me?! HERE!”

Sarah busts out her SWEET Windows Phone and jams the lastest #CoolKidsComic into Vinnie’s face, making him face the cold, hard truth of her words:

“Oh! And! AND!”

She pushes him off the bed to fall to the floor below.

“Tell Roxy that her Kem is showing again!”

**"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane** · **05-08-2019, 12:50 PM**

Vinnie weeps. But like in a macho way.

"I only did it because I lost a bet! Now there's something in my eye, dude!"

Vin then scampers out of the room while his lower lip trembles.

Still Federweight Champion - Sarah Lacklan

Lacklan · **05-08-2019, 01:41 PM**

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