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Lacklan · (03-25-2019)

Hey everybody! This is Ashley Allen here, and I wanted to make a SMALL apology to SOME of the people who read my little blog the other day. See...because…um...

Quote:Okay...okay

This MAY be the moonshine talking

Yeah...that was VERY much in play. Listen, it’s been a rough couple of weeks, okay? I took this job last year, right? I had finished off my AA and was going to take a bit of a break before I jumped into my BS program, right? And I heard about an old friend of mine was looking to bring in a personal staff, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to use some of my legit admin skills. I was given the (random?) employee ID of 23 and went to town. Just about everyone flocked around me...and lets, be honest, it’s probs because of my chest...and before you knew it, I was basically the “head legionette.”

Now, a few months back, Bosslady (that’s Sar, for you fuckwads not paying attention) got into a WEEEEE bit of trouble with the OTHER Bosslady. Something about “accidentally” flirting with some chick they know, and there was this argument, right? And in the end, Bosslady felt really bad, was super apologetic, blah blah blah, and she signed over the account to yours truly, at the same time that I was officially promoted to their personal assistant.

MOST of you know that the OTHER Bosslady and I don’t have the GREATEST relationship, and while that’s something we simply deal with, it really went into the shitter when FUCKING DOLLY came around. Listen, I know EXACTLY what it is like to be enamored by Sar, okay? We met in middle school, right? Both at this private school...though while my parents had to scrimp and save to get me into it, Ms. MoneyButt had no issue. And holy crap! You don’t exactly see an albino every day! Especially one wearing something out of an Ann Rice novel, or something. Plenty of people pointed and stared, of course, but I “got” it right away. She was pretty damn special.

We were close throughout high school. Did cheer together (we both used to get tossed, but SOMETHING happened going into our senior year…) and had a lot of classes. I even started going to her church! And in those six years or so, I saw a LOT of people get that gleam in their eye when they saw Sar. She’s charismatic, right? She’s smart. She’s athletic. And she knows how to put herself out there.

I get it, Dolly. I get what you see. I get what you want. You want HER. You want what she IS. You want to get close enough to TOUCH her. But you know what?

There’s been a thousand of you.

And that number might be low.

Tons of people have tried to get next to Sar. When she was a kid and travelled across the world with her dad? Everyone wanted pictures with the little ball of bright white wearing black and purple robes. Everyone wanted to see if her eyes were real. Everyone wanted to hear her talk and hear accent. Her dad let her settle at home for a few years, but Sar DEMANDED to go on the road for his last run as a wrestler. DEMANDED to be his valet in Texas. And EVERYONE wanted in on the 16-year-old valet. EVERYONE wanted to see the girl who actually became the MOST popular person on the entire roster. And there were TONS of fans who were...to use Sar’s words...horny puppies nipping at her skirts. And BELIEVE me when I tell you, she had LOTS of people at school trying to get into that corset.

When she...and her dumb My Little Ponies vlog she started when we were 12...got REALLY over when we graduated high school, she had all KINDS of people getting up on her. Wrestlers, models, agents, valets, demons, aliens, chicks who got plastic surgery every three days, gross old men offering to “Cosby” her. It was NUTS. Even when she came out with Kenzi...which is SO gross...people STILL tried to get close to her. Best friends fall in love with her, promoters want her to pose nude to sell tickets, this list goes on. So YOU getting all anime-heart-eyes when you met her is NOTHING new.

I understand that the OTHER Bosslady thinks your shit doesn’t stink. I understand that she thinks your amazing with your dumb phone. But I ALSO understand something that YOU don’t: Its not real. YOU’RE not real. All this love and attention you’re getting is because of her dislike of ME, and NOT because you are better. YOU are just some dumb little kid who tries SO HARD to sound like an adult that you might as well be just quoting from “How To Write an American Novel for Dummies.” Kenzi might be fooled by you, but I’m not.

And its only a matter of time until Sar isn’t, either.

$5 says that you think you are special. Or different. Or unique. But you’re not. You live in a world where life-threatening injuries are forgotten in days, pregnancies barely reach third term and produce perfectly healthy babies, and each town has a global-sized company who all sell-out the same venue three days in a row and never cannibalize their own sales. Next to T.A.R.D.I.S.-riding robot dragons, you’re just a little girl who runs away and cries when she gets hurt.

And when Sar’s freelancer propensity kicks in? When that NEED of hers to travel and wrestle in different places and against different styles drives her to leave this place in a month? She will have forgotten all about you. Because you are, quite literally, just one of hundreds of the teenage girls obsessed with her celebrity who can only dream and wish of being like her. And while she’s headlining shows, selling out arenas, and being the face of entire companies, you’ll still be in the undercard here, crossing your fingers that you don’t draw Drezdin for the third time this month.

Also, one last thing before I get into the actual point of this blog:

If you EVER cross me?

So! The ACTUAL reason I am here is because SO MANY people hit me up after my rankings/comparisons the other day that I just HAD to do more! So, for ALL of your viewing pleasures:

- #CoolRankings, in association with Dark Goddess Productions, presents -

The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:

Harry Potter Villains

Sar: Voldemort - Kinda OBVS on this one. Badass pure-blood leader who only falls in the end because of his own hubris.

Lux: Bellatrix - Kinda hawt, DOES get a serious win in there over Sirius, but ultimately gets killed by a dumpy soccer mom.

Game Girl: Fenrir Greyback - Talked up as this vicious bad guy but doesn’t AXLY do anything or factor into anything whatsoever

Dolly: Professor Quirrell - An idiot bumbling over his own words the entire time we knew him, and then he couldn’t kill a completely untrained wizard. DEAD.

The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:

Beds

Sar: Four posted king-sized bed - Sar legit has one of those things, with all the lace and stuff, and it’s where all the GROSS magic happens.

Lux: Futon - Decent starter bed/seat for poor college kids, and you upgrade it to ANYTHING else as soon as possible

Game Girl: Twin mattress - You needed it before your tits grew in, but once you get over childish things like video games and friendship bracelets, its time to upgrade

Dolly: Bunk beds - Listen, EVERYONE thinks bunk beds are cool at first, okay? Who will be on top, who gets to create a cave on bottom, etc. But you get REAL tired of the climbing and having to go to bed at the same time, and you NEVER use them again.

The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:

Color Combinations

Sar: Red and black - Her natural color scheme, though she also looks killer in green. They are the colors of the revolution, so its only natural!

Lux: Brown and beige - Pretty much everything he does is the same thing, ya know? Just a whole bunch of MEH

Game Girl: Whatever color megaman is - Because if it wasn’t for blatantly ripping off someone else, she wouldn’t exist beyond her first match, so it makes sense that her entire colors scheme would follow suit

Dolly: Teal and puce - Jesus CHRIST you fugly!

The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:

Die Hard

Sar: Die Hard - The original and still the best. Yabba Dabba Doo, Alan Richman, Ode to Joy, the whole shebang. And YES its a Christmas film, don’t @ me!

Lux: Die Hard II - Sequel. You KNEW that was coming.

Game Girl: Live Free or Die Hard - Nothing but explosions and other lame stuff lacking depth.

Dolly: A Good Day to Die Hard - Even WORSE that the one before it, it has ZERO amount of the heart that gave the original film (and the third, to a lesser extent) such power

The Final Four of the King of the Ring Tournament represented as:

Porn Stars (Special Guest vlogger: Roxy Cotton)

Sar: Jenna Jameson - The unrivaled queen of the business! Even created her own empire.

Lux: Tanner Reeves - Bad skin and greasy hair. Ew!

Game Girl: Sara Jay - Recently voted as the ugliest performer of all time. Ugly face, shitty tits, and over 30. GROSS!

Dolly: Olivia Nova - She dead, bb.

And that’s it for today! Want to give a special thanks and shout-out to Roxy for helping with that last GROSS AS HELL suggestion that was sent my way.

Look forward to some more comparisons later in the week, fans!

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode #FuckDolly...sober, this time...
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