"Let's get right down to the nitty gritty, shall we? We all know why we're here and what's at stake. We all know who the players are in this game. Everyone has one life, I see. Except for me, since as far as I can tell, I've got an unlimited supply. How is that possible? Well let me explain..."


"Remember, I can regenerate, which basically means, when someone decides to cause me harm and.... I don't know, throws a sledgehammer at my leg. Oh yeah, that leg, is definitely going to break. It's going to hurt like heck too! I might even give a yelp of pain cause a sledgehammer to the leg doesn't exactly feel like getting hit with a pillow. That shit hurts! I know. I've been crucified... a few times in my days. Both legs broken, usually with a sledgehammer. Then nailed to a cross and left for dead, for all the world to see. It is not a fun time at all. Most tend to die. I've died in this very scenario but then I woke up. Imagine that shit. Waking up, twenty feet off the ground with nails stuck through your wrists and ankles. That's right. They went through the wrists, not the hands cause the hand, just doesn't support the weight of a body. You'd have a body dropping off the cross right after it got erected upright, if you went through the hand. Which is just bad for business, if you want your king or warlord to be happy and stay happy, with the work you've done pertaining to the whole crucifixion process. If you're king doesn't stay happy... oh well, you can just sign your name on that dotted line for the contract, to be the next contestant on the crucifixion show. Believe me, there's always someone to take on the role as the crucifier, in that line of work. "


"Anyway, we've strayed way off course, haven't we? Don't worry, I can bring us back. "


"Someone has thrown a sledgehammer at my leg. It connects. The leg breaks. I topple over screaming obscenities. I'm feeling some real pain at this moment. But then, about ten to twenty minutes later, give or take. POOF! The leg is as good as new! My leg mended itself! Amazing, right? Now, lets say a shark falls out of the sky, cause there's a tornado of them nearby. Yes. A tornado of sharks is passing through town, one falls out of the tornado, I'm in its path and it grabs onto my arm, then bites it clear off. Oh no! I fall over, most assuredly hollering and cursing, like you wouldn't believe. Losing a limb sucks. I know cause it's happened to me... many, many times. It's not even funny, how often this has happened. Seriously. I've lost every appendage (that's including the third and most important leg ) multiple times, in my lifetime. They always grow back. Thankfully! The only thing that I haven't had severed from my body is my head. So I'm not exactly sure if I could come back from such an injury or what would happen afterwards. Frankly it sort of gives me the chills merely thinking about it. So I'm not exactly jumping at the chance to find out."


"Lastly we'll go even further. Death. Michael Graves pulls out a pistol at Leap Of Faith and shoots me in the head. The arena goes into an uproar. Michael Graves is deemed a murderer. Peter Gilmour is crying, Robbie Bourbon is remembering the taste of brains, Chris Chaos fainted, Finn Kuhn is hiding under the ring and Robert Main is wondering if he should play the hero or go for the briefcase. If this happened, there's a plan. My body doesn't get picked up by an ambulance. Instead, it's brought to the back, thrown into a trunk and then that trunk is put into a van, that takes my body to the main XWF building, where the trunk is tossed into whatever room Vinnie Lane decided upon as the site for my corpse, should the need for that ever arise. With my luck it's like the janitor's closet. Anyhow... 24 to 32 hours, later. I'm back! That's right. I've returned to life. So far, it seems like that's what will keep happening until the end of time, till someone figures out a way to keep my death permanent, or I've ascended to max capacity and gained so much power, I literally implode into nothing and stay that way. I've imploded before and thankfully returned to life but there might come a day when that implosion is so powerful, I can't come back. I also might take out an entire solar system with me in the process. So that's something I have to look forward to. Yay!"


"Anyhow, in conclusion, I can feel pain, get hurt and even die. These things just don't keep me down. Not for long anyway. My wounds will heal, my limbs regenerate and I can come back to life, if I die. Where Robert Main got that I can't feel agony, is beyond me cause I've never claimed that. He actually built me up to be more super powered in his head, than I am in real life. Wow. I don't know what to say to that? I'm flattered. Thanks, Robert. Sorry to ruin the fantasy that you concocted. Oh and you still owe me that favor."


"I think that about covers what I was going to say."


"I still feel like I'm forgetting something though."


"Oh, that's right... Robbie Bourbon and Finn Kuhn. I was going to tell you both, why you were worthy to grab the briefcase."


"Robert Funnybottoms Bourbon. I think you deserve to go on to face the Engineer because it'll be entertaining. Almost for the same reason as Chris Chaos. Except where Chris will get up there and try. Try all his might. So hard that it's funny cause in the end he still loses. Everyone knew that was going to happen too. Which is why it's so damn funny. Merely imagining the scenario makes me want to crack up. I can picture the guy, trying his heart out. Then he fails and somewhere in the distance... a sad trumpet plays. Hilarious. However, you're more of the dark comedy. You go out to the ring, knowing that you're going to lose. You know in your heart, it's not going to happen. So you do everything in your power to antagonize and annoy the piss out of Engy. From coming out to the ring while you're eating a sandwich, to holding your finger up in order to take a phone call, during the match, to pulling out an Engineer t-shirt to use as a sweat rag... the skies the limit. You might have even paid off the ref to draw x's on your eyelids after you take the pin. The match would be remembered so much for your high jinx, your loss would overshadow his victory. Imagine that. It could be quite amazing."


"Finn Kuhn. Why should you win? I'd like to see a guy get knocked out after one punch. Pretty simple. Engy walks out. Throws a punch. You take it. Hit the canvas. Done. He pins you. Awkwardly. It's a weird victory and then you'll be remembered as the guy who went down after one hit. Ol' One Punch! That'll be you, Finn. Think of how it'll be when you go to the corner grocery shop, for a quart of low-fat, almond milk and you're disappointed when they don't have it... yet again, but as you leave the store clerk points at you and says - "See ya tomorrow 'Ol One Punch!" Cause he knows you'll be back tomorrow, to look disappointed at his dairy case and then leave empty handed. He doesn't know why you keep doing this. You never ask if he can order anything special for you. Yet this routine has happened for years. It's quite possibly the saddest routine in history. Till you get your nickname. Then everything will change. And that's why I think you deserve to win Finn. "

2x Universal Champion (First reign was less than a day though, lol. Due to Sebastian Duke cashing in his briefcase.)
2x Tag Team Champion
3x Triple Tag Team Champion
1x Television Champion
2x US Champion (Title retired during my second reign as champ.)
2x X-Treme Champion
1x Bombshell Champion
2x HMW Champion
2x SOTM