Yes, we know for a fact they'll support you.

Robbie looks back at his phone blankly. The screen reads "Clubber". The voice is Vinnie Lane's.

Are you sure? A bunch of the guys are expressing some concern that I'm too big to use the rappel lines to get to the top of the XTron. I mean, I can rip the whole thing down, bossman, but I don't have much paycheck to take whatever that costs out of.

Vinnie sighs from the other end.

You're the one who tested them to make sure nobody died using them, don't you remember.

Yeah, yeah, I remember, I just wasn't sure if you changed them.

Of course not, dude. No reason to buy new parts when you yourself proved them to work.

Ah, okay.

There's a brief pause.

Look, are you alright, dude? I saw what happened, it's shitty. If you want I think I can get you set up with one of Peppers's girls in the meantime.

Nah, nah, that's...

That's not what I want at all.

Alright, dude. I offered. How have you been doing promoting the show in your hometown?

Alright, I guess. I stopped some lunatic from blowing himself and a bunch of kids up.

That's probably good, strong PR for the XWF, shows we care.

I care.

I don't want to hear about a bunch of dead kids, so I care.

Right.

There's another brief pause.

Are you sure you want to go through with this? You're one of our most seasoned road agents, you make sure the boys are taken care of and that nobody is ripping them off at any hotel they stay at. That time you got Barney out of trouble after he killed a stripper by falling on her is legendary, dude. Two matches, including the big Leaparoo, I mean, mentally, can you handle it?

Robbie rolls his eyes.

One and one makes two, bossman. I can count. If I can count, I can swing some fists and bash some heads. Plus, the way I feel, what doesn't kill me will just dull what actually hurts.

That's, uh, pretty sad, dude. I don't want you going out there just to see if you can die.

Suicide means I'll go to hell, I'm already there.

I knew you'd say that. I don't want you going out there thinking you'll go down in some blaze of glory, though. A dead wrestler is not good for the company, dude.

Robbie sighs.

I'ma get that case or die trying, bossman.

Well, don't just try to die. Take a little pride in yourself. Are you sure I couldn't set you up with one of Peppers's girls? He always hangs out with a bunch of hot...

Bossman?

Yes?

There's a slight pause.

You wanna do me a solid?

What's that?

Robbie looks around as his chest heaves.

Tell Roxy you love her. Don't let her go.

Um, alright.

Cool. I gotta go.

Okay, dude.

BIBLE STUDY

The Georgetown Waterfront.



Perhaps the prettiest part of the city. It's midday and sunny. A beautiful summer day in the Grand High Capital. Kids run and play, splashing through the water garden, visitors and families from nearby Georgetown University saunter along the brick paths, people laying out on the grass, the place to go if you want to just relax in DC. Far from relaxed looking, traipsing along in his funk is Robbie Bourbon. People all take notice of the large man with the garish mask who looks deflated in the puffiest sense. Suddenly, a frisbee flies in and hits Bourbon in the head. He looks over in the direction from where it came. A very sheepish young man in a Georgetown shirt looks at him.

Um, wow, sorry, a little help?

Robbie bends to lift the frisbee. He looks back at the kid, prepares to throw it, and doesn't.

Aw, c'mon, man!

Hey, you hit me in the head, you want me to be super friendly about it?

Well it was an accident.

Robbie turns and faces the Potomac river and prepares his arm to launch the disc like Washington throwing a silver dollar.

No, don't!

Robbie stops and turns, a coy smile on his face.

M'kay. I won't.

Robbie walks over to the kid, and his three friends all approach, bedecked in their Georgetown shirts.

You guys students?

Yeah.

It's summer, what the fuck are you doing here? Georgetown isn't a cheap school, shouldn't you guys be back home with your very wealthy families?

The young men laugh.

We're going through summer courses.

Oh, cool. Greek?

Nah, man, nah.

Ah, gotcha. Good Catholic boys?

Yes sir!

Robbie smirks.

I used to be Catholic, now I'm American.

The lads furrow their brows at the utterance. Robbie's chest heaves.

That's George Carlin. Probably a little before your time. So, you've read the Bible, right?

The lads all look at each other.

Yeah, here and there.

Here and there?

Woah, buddy, alright. I'll give this frisbee back to y'all, but I gotta tell you about the Bible.

But we're already Catholic.

Robbie blinks slowly.

Okay.

So, in the beginning, there was nothing. Then, seven days later, there was everything. I think the dinosaurs happened on day five or something. Then there's just two people, so we're all inbred. Right off the bat, women get a horrible representation as leftover from male AND the reason we have pain in our existence, although she got us intelligence. Then, a lot of boning. Whole lotta fucking. Whole chapters of who begat who, and whenever you read begat, well, just remember, there was some fucking involved. Then, God, still pissed over Eve and how people turned out, hits the reset button, wiping all the saved data with a flood. Just like a video game. After that, a ton more inbreeding. Then the ancient Egyptians make a cameo, we hear about how the Pyramids get built, using slave labor. So Moses, a big wig of the slave class, talks with God, and God is all about punishing some humans, so they unleash a couple of plagues. If you're not sure what I mean here, imagine everybody cutting a really big loud fart at the same time. Moses takes people through some parted waters, kills a ton more Egyptians, then gets dicked over transcribing God's ten laws, giving much needed validity to the metric system, because while he was busy jotting down a memo some people started digging a golden cow statue. I don't remember which Pokemon that is, but I bet it's rare. So, after Moses finally dies, there's a ton more fucking. Then there's book of Leviticus that everyone ignores because by rights everyone who follows a Judeo-Christian faith is doomed for not praying in a tent with the right feng shui or wiping after pooping. Then some guy is told to kill his son, but God is like "lol troll you" so he doesn't. Then, out of boredom, God makes a superhero, the deal is he can't cut his hair. Yet again, a woman gets painted in an awful light, since she dupes the dink into getting a hair cut, and who can blame her, man buns are kinda tacky on some guys. Looking at you, sport.

Robbie points at one of the students sporting a man bun.

This, of course, leads to a ton of people dying. God doesn't stop there and wrecks house, Dirty Harry style, on several cities just because they liked to party. Most will say it was due to homosexuality going down, but in the text itself it is really just Woodstock going on and God smites the shit out of it. There's only one passage describing 'no being gay', and it's well hidden among the stuff that says it's wrong to shave or what shape a hat has to be. Then, as a precursor to modern pro-wrestling, a tiny dude beats up a giant by hitting him in the skull with a rock (thus the phrase "do you smell what the Rock is cooking"). God totally is given all the credit, and the tiny guy becomes king and writes a ton of prose. More fucking goes down, and all the names listed make it sound like an orgy in Boca Raton. A guy who is all about God gets super trolled because the Devil, not so much an antagonist at this point but God's dickish pal who gets him to do stupid shit, says it would be funny. It wasn't, homeboy unsubscribed from God's twitter (or the ancient equivalent). God got pissed and stuck a guy in a whale, more sex, wars, and battles.

The four kids look shocked by what they're hearing.

Then, then, just when you think you've been reading something crazy and epic, this hippie shows up. He's all like "be excellent to each other" and "party on, dudes!" Of course this pisses off everyone since the whole tone of the book just completely shifts. I don't want to spoil anything, but this guy who showed up and tried to mellow everything out gets his hard and awful. God strikes again. Three days later they retcon the whole thing, though, and now he just tells people to chill on the down low. Then he leaves completely. After that it's just a guy sending letters looking for donations, but it culminates like the absolute end of the world, which I feel is jumping the shark a bit, but meh. Frankly, the whole thing is not as well put together as the Harry Potter series.

Wow.

Wow indeed.

That's an interesting take on the Bible, I think.

Well, it's more interesting than any given Chris Chaos promo. No wonder he lost to a Nazi, when he gets on the microphone in front of a camera it's like sedation dentistry. You pass out and when you wake up it felt like a root canal. I do happen to like when Chris cross dresses and plays pretend as Jenny Myst, it's the most charming thing he does, and he's actually more effeminate than any woman he's ever bedded. Okay, by comparison, I like it. It isn't like anybody thinks Chris Chaos is actually entertaining or anything, let alone useful in the ring. Also, Nazi scum. Wiping him out is, well, doing God's work.

The lads laugh and all take pictures of themselves with Robbie. Robbie forces a smile, then trods off. His chest heaves as he looks up for the first time in a while. He takes a deep breath, allowing his nostrils to flare and air to fill his lungs. He then plods on, up Wisconsin Avenue.