Did you know that if you hold your hands over your ears, sort of cupped, that it sounds like faint sirens? If you close your eyes really tight in a dark room, it looks like the Universe and it's infinite stars racing past you like a credit roll at the end of a movie. Have you noticed this? Or how about how babies can bend into positions that would kill most adults with no consequences at all. Like little rubber fuckers, babies are weird.
Did you know there are almost 60,000 miles of blood vessels in the average human body? Every human has a unique toungue print, like fingerprints and snowflakes. Have you ever noticed that your hearing isn't as sharp after you eat a lot of food in one sitting?
The human body is an interesting thing, isn't it? But people don't look at the body as magnificent as it truly is, they would rather worship an idea of a body that nobody on this planet could ever or would ever have. People would rather look at the idea of inpenetrable skin and strength that science can't comprehend instead of looking at how super the human body really is. Every single one of us....we are each superheros in our own way. We are each a unique blend of the greatest forces in nature, and nobody is satisfied.
Are we really that fucking selfish?
Every year, about 98 percent of the atoms in your body are replaced. Human beings basically dissolve into particles and regenerate and you'd never even know it, or show it. But a fat guy in a mask is idolized for being quirky?
Have you ever tried to force your eyes to stay open when you sneeze? You can't, because you'd pop an eyeball out. An average sneeze can exit the body at around 100 miles per hour. Faster than any speed limit on any road in the country. How cool is that? Have you ever tried to sneeze while taking a piss? You can't do it. Your brain says "STOP PISSING". Imagine that, if you sneezed while pissing and reading an XWF press release on your phone. Imagine if an eyeball popped out and piss went all over the place from the force of the sneeze. Imagine if your dick shot up and hit you in the bellybutton and your eye fell in the toilet. Our bodies are naturally equipped to prevent such easy demises. We are genetically predisposed to ward off almost all of life's little shenanigans.
Bone is five times stronger than a steel bar of the same width, but it is brittle and can fracture on impact.
Isn't that neat? How a human can be so strong, yet so frail?
Every superhero has their weaknesses, that is what makes them unique. Nobody is perfect, no hero is perfect.
Sometimes, hero's weaknesses are their strengths. Same with humans.
The lining in a person's stomach is replaced every 4 to 5 days to prevent it from digesting itself.
But a man who wears a plus sized leotard, speaks in catchy riddles and refers to bacon as "candy" is cooler than that? A man who thinks scat is funny but isn't attracted to it? These are our heros? The internet is riddled with people like Robbie Bourbon, and not a single one of them has their own identity.....
.....they kind of just blend into the jumble of other immature bullshit.
The human body can endure so much, and it so complex yet so weak and frail......it is truly amazing. Robbie Bourbon is a human, just like everyone else. He can withstand so much, but in the end, he will break, just like everyone else.
"Robbie Bourbon and I have had our back and forths, for sure. But we are on different paths. He was running through this roster with reckless abandon, and then he just disappeared. Poof. Vanished. I have carried the load of the main event on my back since, and have been a part of every major story line sans Graves pedophilia since then. Where has Robbie Bourbon been? He shows up out of nowhere and because of name and reputation alone he gets a shot at the most prestigious title in this business---one that the transgender pool of afterbirth Brucette Blingsteen has tainted worse than Reno did. Robbie Bourbon can be considered by some to be a legend here. I don't consider him that at all. As far as I am concerned, Bourbon has always been second level, second tier, as long as I am on the roster. He's good, but he isn't me. He might even be great. But he isn't me. That is why he will never reach the goals and dreams he has in his over-sized body. He purely and simply isn't me. He never will be me, but then again nobody can. I am not going to sit here and toot my own horn, Robbie, just look at my backstage page to see my dominance. 55 matches. 38 wins. That is pushing an 80 percent winning percentage. But enough about me---that is a dead and rotting horse. Lets talk about you, shall we?
We shall.
What has this "hero" actually done? Who has he actually saved, when he can't even save himself. Robbie is on a sinking ship and you best believe he is jumping over the side before grabbing women and babies. Don't let this shaky alliance fool you. He was caught with his pants around his ankles---he failed to acknowledge me in promo uno and I jumped down his throat. He is panicking now, not making sense, using insults that children use. So now he is twisting my words and trying to use simple logic to disassemble my blast points and make me question my own moral clarity.
Am I Stupid?
No, Robbie, you're just in denial.
Robbie is caught up playing hero, and detective. While he has us on on the edge of our seats like the building climx of a primetime Miami Vice detective show, I am preparing for glory like the Spartans of old. Robbie is a video game character in his mind, but nothing more than a washed up offensive lineman in person. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, Robbie. The bigger they are, the harder you have to hit them. I am coming guns blazing here, pun intended, because unlike you, I have nothing to lose.
What do I mean?
Tell me there is one man on this roster who has had a bigger fall from grace than I have? Just 4 short months ago I was on top of the world. I was the Universal Champion, this place was eating from my palm like a common house cat. There wasn't a person on this roster, outside of Jenny, who wasn't plotting against me. There were no storylines, there were no angles, it was all "how can we fuck Chris Chaos just a little harder and a little longer." You think a match like this scares me? I have had a wall stacked so high against me that Donald Trump would be jizzing his designer pants with envy. I've been there, done that in this type of match Robbie. Just ask Micheal Graves. He wanted a shot at me, and he got it but due to backstage politicking and insensate bitching from him, this became an Iron Man Match where I had to win by 3 FALLS. If I won by one, or won by 2, I would lose. I would lose, even if I won. Tell me how unfair that is? But through all the bullshit, I rose to glory. I ascended to the heavens and I walked out of Savage STILL the XWF Universal Champion with a 6 falls to 3 victory. If there is ONE thing I have been known for---exclude the arrogance, exclude me putting double digit superstars on the shelf, exclude me surviving the Elimination Chamber with an unwarranted assist from your fat ass---the one thing I am known for here is rising to another level when I am pushed. I have spent a year building my brand and now everybody brings their A game versus ol' Chaos. Well I bring the A plus game. If your game is a 4.0 Robbie, mine is a weighed 4.5. I excel when I need to excel. When by back is against the wall, there isn't a motherfucker, get it?, on this roster that is tougher than I am. So I am going to push you to your absolute limit, Robbie. I am going to make you wish you chose competitive eating instead of competitive fighting. I am going to make you question your entire self worth. Why? Because I have nothing to lose anymore. I am going to continue to get Universal Title shots because there isn't anyone on the roster who deserves them more than me. This is not the be all, end all. This is not career threatening. I have nothing to lose by making you suffer.
But I have everything to gain.
This world is a cruel place where only the strong survive, and sometimes even the strong perish. You may intimidate others on this roster, but I have seen your act before. This is a shallow pond, Rob. You've been the same since I have known you and since I have known you, you have done nothing but lose.......to......me.
People like you because you make them laugh. People hate me because I laugh at them. Everyone has to have someone to root against, and I guess I am that guy. People are so quick to judge, but they don't realize the sacrifices even the bad guys make. But I am not a bad guy, not anymore. I am fighting the good fight. I am fighting for the honor and the integrity of this business......but mostly......I am fighting for redemption............
He still remember what it looked like, what it smelled like, what color the terminal was painted. The name of this place was called Heathrow. Even the floor felt different here than Tampa International. The carpet was....different. Best way to describe it.
He remembered the music that was playing. It was a calm, subtle guitar. It was soothing. The sky was grey....it was always grey. The walls matched the atmosphere with what seemed to be fresh coats of paint. There were big chandeliers and a lot of gold plated vases and red velvet furniture. It was a very royal look, regal. It made you feel almost important coming out of the terminal. It was a welcome like none other. Even the baggage claim sign looked better than anything here. In his opinion, though biased, Tampa Airport was the nicest in the country. It was nothing like Heathrow. There was something......Universal about it.
His first time getting off the airplane in London was magical. He felt good, the best he had felt in years, and he was going to compete in the Wrestlemania of Phoenix Wrestling.......Under The City Lights. William Bateman was his opponent, and they would do battle through the streets. Bateman and Chaos has been the showstoppers, they had been the revenue, and their rivalry had reinvigorated a dying PW ratings machine.
He felt good getting to baggage claim, and he had a smile on his face. His beef with Aurora was seemingly over. He had beaten Jinx. He beat Arkia Fisk and set her on fire. He had gotten his revenge on Scott Rage for betraying him. He was a 5 time Freestyle Champion, a 5 Time Tag Team Champion, 3 time Armored Core Champion. He had done it all but own the world title.
As he grabbed his bag off the baggage claim he began to walk out to the curb of Heathrow to hail one of those wrong side of the road driving cabs. Even the people looked different over here. They were happy, but a goofy kind of happy. He couldn't wait to show up at Redemption on Monday Night as the New World Champion. The first time. These were happy times.
At that moment, he never felt more human. More alive.
As he sat in the back of the cab he sighed a deep breath, but a deep happy breath. What could possibly go wrong?
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
He could taste his own blood. Every bone in his body ached, and all of his joints and muscled felt pulled to the poit of ripping off their base. He hadn't seen Aurora with the lead pipe, he didn't know she was fucking Bateman. They had planned this. His head felt like a million hammers were pounding into the base of his skull all at one time. But he kept trying to get up. He heard voices in the back of his mind, somewhere, telling him to stay down. To swallow his pride, to give up.
The cracks in the street ran red with his blood. He could see it, taste it, smell it. Blood apparently had a smell. He was feeling himself dehydrate with every passing second. The shadow of Big Ben cast an ominous shadow over the street.
He got to a knee. His eyes were a blur, as if trying to look into the horizon on a hot desert day--wavy--cutting through the night sky with a thickness he couldn't describe despite having a college degree. His ribs felt as though they were disconnecting from their muscle holsters. He could feel bile collecting in his sternum, it would make its entrance to the world soon. He just knew it.
Another shot.......he didn't know if it was a fist, a knee, a foot.....it just connected. He could swear his nose was out of alignment, and his throat stung from breathing heavily through his mouth.
"Let's end this.....do what Slaine paid us to do and get out of here."The voices sounded distance, as if only the echo could be heard. Like a megaphone on the other side of the grand canyon.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw something move, and then it all went black. He didn't even remember the pin fall. All he remembered was waking up, covered in his own dried blood. Rats were picking at his tattered cothing, and his hair was nappy and hard---from the dried blood. He tried to sit up, but it was as if his brain was fighting his own body.....and his body was winning. His body, so strong, yet so fragile.
At that moment he never felt more human, or more dead.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
"Sir?"
The voice wretched him out of his thoughts. It ripped him away from his memory like a pitbull ripping a toy away from a much, much smaller dog. Like a shark ripping a chunk of its prey.
"Uh....yes, yes, sorry was just distracted."
"I see that,"she smiled a cheesy, 10 dollar an hour smile.
"So here is your boarding pass for your flight. Try to get here a little early on the day of departure, security to Europe is hightened right now."
"I would imagine. ISIS has surely made their mark over there."
She shook her head with a bit of a frown."They really could use a hero."
He thanked her for the tickets, nodded, and turned to leave. His Jeep was parked in temporary parking, and the last thing he wanted to deal with is Tampa traffic court.
As the double doors opened, he remembered how he likes to pretend they were opening just for him, Like he was some sort of godly figure.
A hero.
Yeah, a hero. That's it.
Are you dumb?
"You know what, Robbie, maybe I am. Maybe I am dumb for not buying into your charade like the rest of the sheeple around here. Maybe I am for seeing right through your act. The top suits around here, who judge all the promos and make sure they are suitable for air time, they might see you for something you want them to see you as, but I see you as nothing but a gimmick.
Your biggest insult was that I'm a human being?
"Yes. Because that is the one thing you don't want to be. Being a human being in your eyes makes you weaker. That old adage goes 'you can do anything you set your mind to.' It is like telling a child it is okay to wear his cowboy Halloween costume for weeks after Halloween and even letting him take a cap gun around because it is good to let him dream, right? Let him be creative, spontaneous, and free. No. It is making him live in a world that is not his own, and subjecting others to his nonsense. It is the reason children are spoiled nowadays. Too much fucking freedom and soft ass parents. You're a human Robbie, a human in a mask. A human who can be hurt, who can die. Who will hurt. Who might die. I want to teach a lesson at King of the Ring. Everyone is saying that Bourbon and Chaos is going to steal the show.......no.......it is going to be a match labeled NSFW. Blood, guts, gore.
Violence.
Are you stupid?
"Maybe I am. But I am stupid enough to call you out. Why do you think you went into defense mode? Your entire promo was a giant 'I know you are but what am I' argument. All that was missing was a jungle gym and some other kids to witness it. You're caught in your bullshit. Caught in your lie. And you know it. You went out of your way to list off other "humans" on the roster.....because like a child you took this argument literally. Nothing but a big kid. A big kid who gets bullied on the playground and in the lunch room. A big kid who gets picked on in gym class because he wears tighty whitey's when everyone else has boxers on. Your back is against the wall and the only way to get yourself out of it is to try to beat me over the head with logic."
Shit, fucking hell, Chris, you're fucking doomed if you think a war of words will save you
"I don't need saving. Every goddamn superstar on this roster has been invited to take bets on the matches here for King of the Ring, Pete Rose style, and all but one has chosen you to beat me. Nobody thinks I have anything left in the tank. Nobody thinks I can get back to my old form. Maybe I can't, but I sure as shit am going to try. I am going to bring everything I have. I am going to roll in like a Panzer fucking tank, and Robbie it is your job to bring the bazooka. While you are busy trying to find a man in a gaudy tuxedo, I am focusing one hundred and twenty percent on making sure that Chris Chaos is the number one man on this roster. Literally. While I am preparing to grab a spot that I deserve more than anyone---all while calling you out on your bullshit---and you are hitting me with this:
Chris Chaos is a fucking egg salad sandwich.
"What?"
Chris Chaos is an egg salad sandwich. Alone, worthless, sitting on a dark shelf in some gas station in the middle of nowhere just waiting to be put in the garbage and out of it's own misery.
Stupid analogy, nice description. Maybe the English language does adhere well to you. Nobody ever said it didn't. But I watched your promo with your higher-than-should-be-for-your-frame voice and I chuckled. You're a funny guy. You make people laugh. Maybe that is your super power. Maybe you are a super hero after all.
Yes.
Giggles.
Giggles the Oversized Crime Fighter.
"Apparently you are an avid watcher of national geographic as well, you seem to have a knowledge of animals as well. What do I mean?"
Did you fucking think you were fighting a kangaroo or something?
"Did you know that female kangaroos have 3 vaginas? That is fitting because you are easily the biggest vagina on this roster right now---and I used to date Jenny! Also did you know that dominant male kangaroos like to pull up grass clumps to intimidate their subordinates? That is all you are doing right now....pulling up grass roots in an attempt to intimidate but no real substantial threat has come from your being yet. Kangaroos have chambered stomachs. When eating, they regurgitate food to be chewed and swallowed again. Hmm, that sounds kind of like you too. Did I mention kangaroos have 3 vaginas?-----"
"---Look, this is all funny talk, Giggles. This is silly. I know you are a human, and you just spent 2,000 useless words further proving that point. Congrats. I am glad you understood my promo, was worried it may go over your head. Good to know that it sunk in---and I don't mean your bellybutton."
Chris Chaos is a used copy of Meatballs 3 you found when you were moving and it still has a Blockbuster sticker on it.
"All that tells me, Robbie, is that I have survived this long. Love the movie, hate the movie, it has lasted through a total shut down. It survived. I will survive in London......thank you for pointing that out. You're just a human Robbie, a regular guy. I am going to make you wish you really were a super hero on August 19th. You're a human Robbie.....ONLY a human.........
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