Kaleidoscope? What kind of name is that? No, really, I have no idea. BECAUSE I'M A GODDAMNED DETACHED PENIS. I'm not exactly sure how I'm communicating with you right now, but I am, and I'm here to tell you my life story. Or, at least the important parts of it. The parts that I think matter. You can tell me if they do or not, but I won't be able to listen. I don't have ears, after all. I am a penis. A very small one at that. Or, would you like to take a second to laugh at me for admitting I'm small. You'd be small too, if you were attached to Peter. I Dickgress, though.
Yeah, I said Dickgress. I'm gonna Dickgress all over the place. Do you fear the DickGression? I hope you do, because even I don't know what that means. It could be anything, as long as it doesn't involve Cheetos. Anyway, man, I started my life off as any normal Dick, I was attached to Peter, and we'd go on many adventures. Not a lot of sexual adventures, though. Unless you count him beating me off with nasty hands covered in a mixture of Cheetos and Chicken Grease. Anyway, he would pull me out in the girls who work at the Gas N Gos, and they'd freak out at seeing a micropenis, and then he'd put me away ashamed. Then I'd wait for him to shower, which would normally take about a week or two, and he'd let me out. It was never for long, Peter hated showers. Then, Morbid Angel cut me off. After that, I escaped, and Morbid kept a body double, because I needed a body double. After I was freed, I went on adventures of my own.
There was one time, I went to Six Flags Saint Louis, it sucked. Can you believe there's a height requirement to ride every fucking ride they have. Dude, I couldn't even slip inside of some dude's pockets to ride the Daffy's Adventure Tours ride. Can you believe that shit? I could not possibly ride that shit! Because 2.5 inches when erect is not enough to ride anything. I couldn't even get a funnel cake if I wanted to. It was not cool. Not for a split second. Except when it got cold, and I had to burrow in an old man's shoe. Then it was cool for a bit until it got warm again. Old men always wear too big of shoes. Always, it's a fact. If you don't know this, it's because you don't sleep in old men's shoes.
After I got kicked around St. Louis for a few days, I ended up in Florida for a while. It was really hot there, and I was super sweaty. But, there were tons of girls walking around in Bikinis, so I spent most of my time walking around erect. That meant people could almost see me. It was fantastic. One girl accidentally dropped ice cream on me. It shrunk me a little, but that's fine. It helped cool me down. Florida is really hot. But you know what isn't hot? Your chances of winning this match, Kaleidoscope. And do you know why? Because you can't figure out how to wrestle a penis. Back to my goddamn story. So, life was hard for a penis in Florida, hahaha boner jokes. I would try and sneak into the showers when girls would be showering, but I was too short to climb the windows, and too big to fit under the door. It was not cool, I resorted to sneaking in when they went to take a piss or shit. Let me tell you, that is a sight you do not wish to behold. Them skinny girls with big old tits can drop some massive logs. If I could smell, I'd probably have died, but I can't, so I'd just try and float around in there like a turd, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Good thing dicks don't need to breathe, because I would have been drowned so many times that way. It was tragic.
I ended up leaving Florida, after I got flushed down the drain, and came back up on some fat old lady with a hairy asshole. I for real thought I was popped back up on Justin Sane or something. It was gross. I headed out west to Las Fucking Angeles. The goddamn city of Angels, and sluts. It was the sluts I was interested in. But, I was not interested in seeing Peter. That'd be hard to explain. I didn't even leave a note, guys. It was hella rude, but I needed to get away. I had to get away. I couldn't take anymore of the Cheetos. Kaleidoscope, do you eat Cheetos? I fucking hate Cheetos. There's a lot of fat neckbeard types in LA, who eat Cheetos while finger banging their assholes. I bet those haven't seen nearly as much pussy as I have. I bet you haven't either, Kaleidoscope. I spent 3 weeks living in a Toilet in Destin, Florida. I seen a lot of snatch, dude. Most of it wasn't pretty. Some of it was, but mostly it was the kind of pussy you wouldn't want.
LA was a different story. There were nothing but fly ass honies roaming around these parts. It was fantastic, I would pretend to be a lollipop, and the druggie girls would pop me in their mouths like I was candy. Once I blasted off, I'd be out of there, and onto the next one. It's easy to get passed around in this town. Some of the girls don't even have a gag reflex, so they can take me all the way to where my balls should be. Sometimes they'd just throw me in a purse and take me home for later. It was fun, until I got this terrible infection. I think I could it from a Filipina. I had to get the fuck out of Dodge after that. But, I wasn't sure where to go, or what to do. I flipped a coin, and jumped in the first pair of boots to walk past me.
That's what I did, but I didn't plan well for the consequence. I should have, but that would have been better than what happened. I ended up hopping in the boot of a Mexican cop who was in LA for a night of fun. He ended up taking me back to Mexico, and then to a jail when he dropped some dude off. So, now here I sit, The Goddamn Gilly Willy sitting in a Mexican Jail. Fuck. How did my life end up this way? Well, I'm a Gilmour, we're used to being in fucked up situations because Gilmours are too stupid to avoid these shits. But, here I was, a white dick in a Mexican Jail. I got passed around like crazy in exchange for cigarettes. People would steal me from the big dogs, and hide me in the cells of people they didn't like. I was used as a murder weapon more than once. I finally escaped in the shoes of the Warden. I wound up at his house, and his wife thought I was a dog toy. I barely escaped. Then I ended up here.
And here we are Kaleidoscope. I still have no idea what that name means, but it doesn't matter. You know why it doesn't matter? Because you won't be prepared for me. Because you think you I'm nothing, because I'm a penis. You think you're going to go in and easily beat the meat. You think you'll make me squirt, and shoot me through a table, but it won't be like that at all. It'll be super hard and difficult. You might need two hand to beat me. I'm a two handed beast. You can't handle the size of the Monster. Rawr, I'm gonna squirt all over you. I'm going to keep squirting my massively watery yellow spunk into your eyes until you fall through the table. That's fucking right, dude, my jizz is yellow!
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