Threaded Mode | Linear Mode

The Reverend Tholomew Plague · **08-18-2015, 09:49 PM**

Hear I sit, in my house, vodka bottle in hand, my fiance dead, I must look like a fucking wreck right now, I needed to be alone after that, I hate myself at the moment, when she got hit I was probably only thinking about Trevor, how can I think about another man when I am marrying someone else....

I feel so selfish....they are, in Ashley's case was such a great person to me, that light at the end of a long dark tunnel, and I let her slip away, over thinking about pounding another man's ass,

I feel like screaming but that would achieve nothing, so I just sit here....in silence, I don't know what to do, so lonely, such silence.....

I don't even know if Trevor is gay for crying out loud, I just assume that because the majority of the time I can tell when someone is and isn't that I would only want him if he was......

HOW CAN I THINK LIKE THIS I JUST LOST MY FUTURE WIFE TO A FUCKING DRUNK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nobody could hold me back, when all he did was stumble out of his vehicle I attacked him, tried to rip his God damn throat out for all that matters, but then....my dad and.....

just say it you fucking idiot!!!!

Trevor pulled me off of this fucking drunk,

You like him because he cares, you want to fuck him because he actually gives a shit about you.....

So would anyone else that is pansexual in this fucking world

Just tell him you fucking dumb ass, what is the worst that could happen....

He turns out to be homophobic and leaves me because he is straight and doesn't accept me for who I am.....

Or he is gay but is a panphobic and hates me because I am a sexuality that in his mind doesn't even exist and starts calling me shit like a "special snowflake" or a fucking "bisexual wannabee"

You're a fucking wreck man..take an easy, you just need to take a step back and relax,

How can I relax? My whole world is flipped upside down.....

You're a mess

So are you, or did you forget we are the same person, God damn it I am talking to myself, this is how bad it has gotten hasn't it, that I have shut everyone else out and decided to talk to myself for the rest of my days on this earth.

Might as well, lots of people do this for months at a time after they lose someone they care about...

I AM NOT EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!

Ok, just take a step back and look into the bathroom mirror......

Wait, when did I walk in here, and when did I pull out the anti-depressants,

You were on the verge of overdosing on those and the alcohol you are consuming, I have decided to distract to keep you from doing such meaningless tasks as taking your own life, you think this is something Trevor is into, even if he is into guys I don't he has a fetish for suicidal emo boyfriends

I AM NOT SUICIDAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

relax, ok just relax, shut everything, think about not thinking, live without living, act without action, just....

do.

I repeat this thought process for, at least a good hour, I move all around the house climb in bed, climb out....

Think about not thinking,

empty your mind of all thoughts, of everything you have thought about in the past 24 hours.....

Forget about mom, forget about the pills, just....

forget,

How long has it been, 30 minutes, 2 hours, oh who the fuck cares.....

I go up to my bedroom...... and pull out the pansexual pride flag

Let's just look at this for a little bit, Ash bought me this for my birthday almost 3 years ago now, I've found comfort in this every time I seem to lose the entirety of my sanity. It's colors surge through me, I find it hard to be happy lately..... I know it is going to be even more difficult now, but I know I can do it, I know I can get through this in one piece, I've been through shit before and I got through it then, I am sure I can do it now, hell, I didn't even have these damn pills until my mom was gone, the anti-depressants, I don't know why I ever needed them, they only make me look happy to everyone else, they don't make me happy on the inside, where it actually matters. About the only thing I can safely say it did achieve was it limited the number of times I thought blowing my brains out, or binge drinking, or stabbing myself, or hanging myself.... damn I really am a mess aren't I.....how long have I been alone,

I go to my phone and pick it up.....wait a minute, didn't I only lock that door yesterday, since when has it been a week already.....has it been a week already, have I just mindlessly gone about my day for a whole fucking week, just walking around this damn house and doing the bare minimum to stay alive. I completely shut out everyone else for a whole week.....

I find this strangely hard to believe despite the fact that I know for certain that it is the truth, she died a week ago, and the only time I have stepped out of this house was for her funeral services, other then that I have completely shut out everyone I care and love dearly, as for the people I hate, well...I kind of just shut those fuckers out anyways, I mean if I am being perfectly honest it is very hard for me to hate someone other then myself. Despite that there is a very small group of people who have made my hate list, of course, this list includes myself......

I don't know it isn't like I have control over hating myself anyways, damn depression.

I don't know when but if finally registers to me that someone is knocking on my door...oh who could possibly want to disturb me during this time, can't they possibly tell I feel like I have died....

and then I open the door for them...

You look like a shit....

I force a smile across my face.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

OOC Note: For those that are confused all of the writing except for the green at the end is James or as you know him The Rev talking to himself, thanks for taking the time to read this

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Nobody can hear my screams (Rp #2 for battle royal)
Author	Message