Bro, just hear me out here.

Nah bro, that's a pretty messed up thing to do.

The scene opens up to our heroes, the Squad, getting ready for the grand opening of their Chipotle franchise. That is to say they're doing absolutely nothing resembling work; instead they're all sitting around one of the tables, staring mindlessly at their phones. Except for Flynn and Carson, who are currently locked in a discussion of ethics.

Are you acting like you've never cut off contact with a chick after you hit it?

I don't think I've ever done that, no.

Pussy.

Carson and Dick high five and freeze frame while a sick guitar lick plays.

...You guys done?

Both men return to normal and nod their heads.

Good, as I was--

Uhh… dudes?

Henry jogs up to the trio, panting. Beads of sweat drip down his forehead and his normally pristine suit jacket is torn and caked with dirt and blades of grass. Sucking in as much air as he can, he shakily points to the window, where a large congregation of women stand, holding up picket signs and chanting "BOYCOTT BRICK SQUAD".

What's up with them?


Bro…

Bro.

Dude.

The four sit around one of the tables, staring out into space as the chants get louder and louder.

What the heck is up with them?

Fuck if I know man, wait, where's Bruce?


Meanwhile, Bruce is standing outside the premises, holding up a sign that reads "Shit Squad".

Yeah, fuck these Brick Squad guys!


Probably not that important anyway.

Back inside, Dick's lounging with his feet up on the table. Flynn's on his phone, searching social media for any indication of what might've caused this sudden turn in public opinion. Henry's lamenting the grievous injuries sustained by his suit jacket. And Carson is pacing. Back and forth and back and forth. Finally, he stops and points one finger in the air.

I think I might know why they're here.

Flynn's ears perk up.

Really?

Well…


Flashback - 1 Day

Carson stands in line at an unusually packed Subway, waiting for his chance to order one of their delicious sandwiches. As the line moves, he accidentally bumps into the woman in front of him; a wiry, boyish looking woman with a pixie haircut and wearing a "My body, my choice" T shirt.

"Hey! Watch where you're goin'!"

Dude, it was a fucking accident, calm down.

"You were a fucking accident."

This bitch.

He turns to the guy standing behind him and chuckles, before turning back to the woman and eating an open handed slap for his troubles. His eyes go wide as he looks at the now smirking woman. She begins to turn away, but he slaps a hand down on her shoulder, pulls his head back, and delivers a huge headbutt to the bridge of the poor woman's nose.


You did what, bro?

You headbutted that bitch? Hard-fucking-core, man!

Dick reaches out for another high five but this time Flynn steps in-between him and Carson.

Dudes, this is serious.

Yeah, seriously hardcore.

Yeah man, you weren't there. I was trying to be on my best behavior, but she came at me bro. I did what I had to do.

But how are we going to fix this?

Fix what?

Flynn facepalms and points towards the window, to show that the mob's antics have evolved to chucking eggs at the windows.

We're supposed to be opening in like two hours.

The lightbulb finally goes off above Carson's head.

Oh shit!

Carson sprints towards the doors, and subsequently becomes the target of the egg chucking masses. The eggs shatter against the glass doors, yolk running down the glass. Carson's eyes widen and he ducks behind a trash can and forms his fingers into the shape of a gun. He stands up, puts his elbows atop the can and looks down the imaginary sights of his handgun.

Pew! Pew pew! Pew!

Bro are you high?

Not high enough.

Flynn shrugs.

Fair enough. Anybody got any on 'em?

The Squad all snap to attention and check their pockets. All come up empty, much to the surprise of not only them, but all you watching at home! How could no members of the Brick Squad have any kush on them? WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?!

...And now the whole Squad is looking up to the sky, where somehow my voice broke through the barriers of time and space.

I always got some at my compound.

Carson lays down another round of figurative suppressing fire.

But how are we gonna get out of here?

Alright thanks. Oh, and come around the back. Long story.

Dick and Carson take their eyes off the ornery crowd and look at Flynn as he hangs up his phone and slides it back into his pocket.

We'll be good in like ten minutes.

Shit, nice thinking Flynn!


Thirty minutes later, the Squad (minus Bruce) is sitting around a circular table in the basement of Dick's compound. The room is smoky and lit by only a single hanging, exposed lightbulb.

Alright guys, we gotta come up with a plan to make women not hate us.

Flynn takes a look around the room and notices something rather disturbing.

Wait, if we're all here, who's guarding the restaurant?"


Meanwhile at Chipotle, the crowd's broken the glass doors and is currently in the process of smashing up the joint. One of the woman tosses a plate to Bruce, who smashes it with a baseball bat.

Yeah, homerun!

"Jesus fucking Christ, my eyes!"

Shit, sorry!


What do you think they're gonna do, Flynn? Smash up the joint?

Yes.

Oh… shit. We better think of something quick!

We really should just speak about being feminists or something."

Dick grabs Flynn and kisses him on the forehead.

You're a genius! Alright dudes I know how we can do this. Just let me call our flag guy.

Another thirty minutes later, Dick comes back into the basement holding up a new variation of the Brick Squad flag: One that reads "Bitch Squad" and has the bird replaced with a neon pink tampon.

That. Is. Genius!

Flynn, too busy rubbing the feeling of Dick's lips off his face to really pay attention to the flag just nods his head and grunts ambiguously.

Right, now all we gotta do is affix this to the Dickmobile and drive back to the Chipotle.

The Dickmobile?

Yeah dude where have you been?

Amsterdam.

Oh shit, right. Well follow me and check this cool shit out.

Dick leads the group to his garage, wherein sits the Dickmobile: a bright purple Corvette with a decal of a giant pink dick across the hood and a flagpole on the back.

I knew this would come in handy!

He runs the Bitch Squad flag up the pole and hops into the driver's seat.

Get in losers!

He starts the engine and a flashing neon rainbow light appears on the bottom of the car. Dumbfounded, the rest of the Squad piles in. Dick stomps on the gas pedal and the car explodes through the garage door, bubbles floating up from the back of the car. That's right, the Dickmobile's got a bubble machine.


Twenty minutes later, the Dickmobile, still flying that Bitch Squad flag high in the sky, pulls up to the Chipotle to find the crowd still going to town on it. A couple of small fires have started in the building but none of the vandals seem to care all that much. One of the women sees the flag and gets absolutely incensed. She sprints after the car, followed by two more.

Bro, I don't think the flag's working.

Nah man it's great. They're coming to compliment us on our devotion to the feminist cause.

The smile on Dick's face finally fades when one of the women takes a baseball bat to the passenger's side door of the Dickmobile.

That bitch!

Dick explodes out of the car and approaches the woman, red in the face. He gets a shot to the gut for his troubles.

Ow, son of a bitch!

The woman lines up for another shot when Dick kicks her in the stomach!

You are not stealing my precious seed, you rapist!

The woman drops the bat and falls to the ground. Dick grabs the bat and gets back to his feet, charging after the two women still smashing up the Dickmobile. They scatter immediately, dropping their bats and disappearing into the late morning.

Yeah, that's right! No one touches the Dickmobile!

Dude, that's not why they're running.

Flynn points to a flood of police cars descending upon the building.

Yeah dude, I called the cops while you were ranting about how badass this car is on the ride here.

Snitch.

Shut up Carson, you're the reason we're in this mess in the first place.

Carson crosses his arms and mumbles under his breath.

The cops round up all the perpetrators who haven't run off yet, including Bruce and the woman who was pitching the plates to him.

What the fuck Bruce?

Sorry bro!

The woman shoots Bruce a glare as they're loaded into one of the cars.

"This is bullshit!"

Carson's ears perk up and his head turns towards the source of the voice. There she was, the woman he headbutted. The start of all this.

"These guys are fucking pigs! Just like you! Guess that's why you're on their side!"

This fuckin' bitch.

"Go to hell you sack of--"

She would've kept going, if Flynn didn't headbutt the shit out of her.

"What the fuck?! Aren't you supposed to be the good one?!"

Yeah, but you're seriously really annoying.

The cops slap a set of cuffs on Flynn as the first episode of It's Always Sunny in Los Angeles fades to black. Hit that credits music!