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Gator · (07-27-2015)

(Click here for the yoga poses used. Suck a dick Absolute Yoga copyright warning!)
I'm sitting down on one of those yoga mats in my living room. Moved the couches back a little for space, got my iPod on a docking station playing some music so I don't blow my brains out listening solely to the woman on the TV teaching me yoga. Todd picked me up the first one he found at our local video place, I'm halfway expecting this to turn into a porno. I put out the cigarette I've been smoking for the first five minutes into the ashtray behind me while this chick is talking about breathing exercises and chakra, Better Todd is asleep on the couch behind me. Adorable. I scratch my head and crack my neck... Ow. Keep forgetting I almost broke it, I'm so doped up on painkillers I'll probably laugh off a bullet to the chest. I pay attention to the TV as Camel Toe McPerm starts to speak up.

**Okay, first we start in the child's pose.**

"..."

Ugh... I'm going to regret this shit. I get into the child's pose, which is like... Wait. Why am I explaining this? This a video promo, not written word or anything, you can clearly see what I'm doing. I look like a fucking idiot, it's clear as day. Anyway, child's pose first. Better Todd sits up a little, guess he thinks I want to play.

**Then we move upwards into the cat pose.**

This is so degrading. Better Todd sits up now, with this amazing pose he most likely thinks I'm a real ass cat. I continue to watch the TV.

**And from cat we move to downward dog.**

... What? ... WHAT!? Fuck me. Better Todd's going to try and hump me isn't he? Just. Just get this over with Gator. I motion into downward dog, sticking my ass into the air like Nicki Minaj trying to hail a taxi. I really hope no one walks in... What am I saying? This is being televised around the world. Hey world! Hope you like British ass in your face!

**And now, ragdoll.**

What was up with the dramatic pause? Okay, I get to my feet a little and flop my upper body down to my feet like, well, like a ragdoll. Points to creativity for the yoga guys. This is surprisingly harder than I thought it would be. I work out almost every day but this is weird. I should have made Todd pick up DDP yoga instead, probably be easier but I didn't want to be another cliche.

**From ragdoll we rise into half moon.**

Done. Look like a half moon too, like an exact fucking replica. Surprised the dog isn't howling at me... I need a match soon, all this trash talk is just going towards the telly.

**Back bend**

OOfph. Fuck. Humans aren't meant to bend like this lady!

**Hold the pose. Breath and transition into hands to feet.**

I pause looking at the TV.

"Fuck that."

I go to grab the remote but hesitate. I shouldn't quit, might as well stick it out just for today. Uh.. I'm going to feel like rubber tomorrow. I move into hands and feet and guess what? It feels awkward as fuck.

**Breathe. And now awkward pose. One.**

Oh great, that wasn't the awkward one.

**Two.**

OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THERE'S MORE!?

**Three.**

Ow ow ow! The hell painkillers? Kill the damn pain!

**And all three once more.**

Oh give me a fucking break lady! Better Todd is still watching me, tilting his head a little with his mouth open just a bit. Drool hitting the couch cushions, the hell is wrong with this animal?

**One**

Aagh.

**Two**

D'ah!

**Three**

Uuugghhhh.

**And finally go into the final awkward.**

My face is bright red right now... Well, my mask is always red but my face is really red too, just take my word for it. This is torture, why do people do this?

**And twist!**

"I'll twist your fucking head off woman!"

That scared Better Todd a little, sorry buddy. I twist, awkwardly. Even though this is for lack of a better word, awkward, it is quite stress relieving. Yeah, all this shouting and swearing is me calm. I guess I know why people do this, my head is clear, my body somehow feels better. Then again could just be the painkillers doing their work. I don't know, could get used to this. Fuck it, yoga lady do your worst!

**And go neutral, breathe, relax and now into eagle pose.**

That looks nothing like an eagle. I transition into this bullshit curly snake pose.

**And slowly release from eagle, let your wings open and go into standard head to knee.**

Is she getting off on this? I don't think guys are supposed to do head to knee, the groin region doesn't agree with it.

**Now we move into bow... Mmmmm, let your womanhood flow.**

. . .

**Lower your leg, stretch your arms and balancing stick pose. Hold it for five seconds.**

Holding it like a damn pro.

**Now slowly move into separate leg stretch.**

"... Yeah I'm not even going to attempt that."

I stand there and watch the TV, the poor man's Jane Fonda performing this pose.

**A ... B ... And C ... Woo! Okay let's take a short break, hydrate and we'll cont-

I snatch the remote and pause the DVD, beginning to walk into the kitchen.

"Don't mind if I do lady."

I head into the kitchen and get to the fridge, swinging the door open and taking a... Budweiser. Great. I'm never letting Todd go shopping again, no offence America, you're pretty okay but your beer fucking sucks. I close the fridge and open up the freezer door, should be top shelf and... YAY! Fireball whisky, half empty. I wonder if I can get sponsored by Fireball? I'd put that devil logo on my gear for a lifetime supply of this stuff. I remember John Madison saying that Luca has the hatchet man tattooed on his calf so he gets backstage passes to Insane Clown Posse shows. I take the bottle and close the freezer, get a glass, grab a can of Monster, Ripper or Original will do. Pour three fingers of Fireball, add some crushed ice and fill the rest of the glass with Monster and Bob's your uncle. Best drink ever. If you're eighteen or over... I mean twenty-one.

I tidy around and take the drink back into the living room, taking a seat and switching the TV over to watch some XWF repeats. Today is the sixteenth of April, I've been out for a week, two weeks? And I'm missing the hellhole already. There's a repeat of Warfare on, JACK, Maverick and now Game Girl are fighting in Super Smash Bros... What the fuck am I watching? When did Game Boy get a sex change?

"Hey honey."

I hear Scarlett behind me and feel her lips touch the top of my head. I smile and bring the glass close to my lips to take a long sip. Ah, refreshing as fuck. Scarlett walks past the couch and heads into the kitchen, she's wearing the second best thing a woman can wear. Boy shorts and one of my t-shirts. Second only to yoga pants. Which I guess I should be wearing, well world feel lucky I'm wearing denim shorts instead. I watch Scarlett go the the fridge and bend down a little. â™ªBooty booty booty rockin' everywhereâ™ª I look back at the TV and continue to watch as Scarlett joins me with a glass of orange juice, I put my arm around her and just sit and watch television. Like a couple... Like a normal couple... Weird.

It's a good thing I have a DeLorean because we're going to jump forward in time just a bit.

Months pass, literal months. Like almost three of them, mid June. You're not missing much, or maybe you are. We'll go back to the important stuff if there is any, trust me.

Anyway. Cool transition we're it's me and Scarlett sitting on the couch like before but we're in different clothes and there's more sunlight entering the room. See, look how cool that is. Like an indie movie but not crappy with some bullshit filter over the camera lens. We're watching Mad Max: Fury Road which I totally didn't pirate. Todd did. I'm sitting on my ass watching this pretty fucking cool film, I'm happy, girlfriend under my arm. Chilled out from therapy and yoga, neck is back to normal. I'm happy, like genuinely happy. For the first time in a while. I mean, I'm always pretty happy no matter what. I'm a damn optimist compared to most of the people I know, but I'm different now. Life is good. Scarlett tilts her head under my arm and lifts her arm over to me, poking my belly and making a fart noise with her mouth. Damn, I'm lucky.

"Who's your friend?"

Well, not that lucky. I look at my stomach. Huh. I'm a chubby Gator.

"I've been doing yoga."

"Gay!"

"... I don't know why I've got a muffin top now."

"Yoga doesn't really keep you ripped, it's just... Well, it's bullshit."

"I'm more flexible."

"I know, and I appreciate that."

She's talking about sex kiddos.

"But if you want to go back to wrestling, might want to get rid of the spare tire."

"Yeah you're right babe. I'll go back to my usual workout tomorrow. Maybe next week."

Scarlett sits up on the couch and turns to me, brushing her red hair out of her face. There were a lot of hers in that sentence.

"Do you want to go back to the XWF?"

"Yeah. Well, maybe. I don't know. Listen, I've been having fun doing nothing. I know I sound like a lazy asshole saying that but I have, this is the first real break I've ever had. I'm still getting paid too! That's fucking awesome! I didn't know we got paid for doing nothing."

"That's injury pay babe."

"And title pay, you know I got a huge payday for winning the Universal Title? Earned more money in less than a minute that I did that month total... Are you mad if I don't go back?"

"What? No of course I won't be mad. But, we need money. Me and Tood can't pay the bills ourselves."

"... I know. I'll think about it."

"Do whatever makes you happy Jacob and I'll be happy"

Scarlett comes closer to me and lifts up my mask so she can kiss me. Once she does that, she goes back under my arm and we continue to watch the movie. Do whatever makes you happy. Words to live by. But not easy. So many other obligations usually fuck up the plan to be happy, so you end up with a choice. Make yourself happy or make others happy. A lot of people can be happy from other people's enjoyment, or they say that anyway. But let's be honest, when you walk past a homeless guy and hand him twenty dollars, are you really happy you're twenty bucks down and this dude is probably buying crack? It's complicated.

So I'm in this dilemma. Make myself happy by being a lazy fuck or make my 'family' happy by doing what I do best?

I look at Scarlett from the corner of my eye. She's smiling, interested in the film. Probably daydreaming about Tom Hardy, hey, he's a good looking guy, I'd be surprised if she wasn't. She grips my hand tightly and shuffles closer to me, letting out a satisfied sigh... I can't lie to myself. I'd do anything for this girl. Tomorrow back to work. Train hard, eat better, get in the best shape I can. Fuck coming back and jumping from match to match, teaching the new kids a lesson and earning fuck all for busting my ass.

No.

I'm getting my goddamn belt back.

No fancy transition, shit costs money and I am fucking broke. Present day. I sit in front of Todd and his camera as he sets everything up. I take a drag from my cig and let smoke fill the air as I look down, tapping my foot on the floor. I've done this around a hundred times but I'm somewhat nervous. I used to just sit down, look at the transcripts of the guy I was facing and just go for it. But, this.. This is odd. I'm not sure whether I'm having an off day or I'm just overthinking stuff. Maybe it was that pizza from before. Todd finishes setting up the camera and looks to me.

T: "You ready to rock n' roll buddy?"

"I'm ready to say a bunch of shit, yes."

T: "Aaaaaaaand we're rolling."

"..."

Oh fuck. I'm drawing a blank here. What do I usually do?

"Hey..."

Good start Gator. Baby steps.

"So. I'm back and in a damn good match. LH Harrison, Vinnie Lane, D'Ville with special guest ref Luca. Pretty damn good... Well... Best of luck!"

...

What the hell was that? Todd stops recording.

T: "What the hell was that?"

I shrug taking another drag of my cigarette. Got myself in peak physical condition but forgot about making words happen.

"I have no idea man. Sorry."

T: "Did you just apologize to me? Okay, we need to take a break. Get your head clear dude."

"Yeah, sounds like a plan."

I get up from the chair, smoke in between my lips. My legs wobble underneath me, nerves I guess... What the fucking fuck? How can I not shit talk these guys? I've done it before with ease. Why now? ...... Therapy and yoga. They have killed me. By god, that bullshit has ruined my career. Hey Gator, you should go make yourself angry. Get all hulked up or something, could help. But how? I head downstairs as Todd fumbles with his camera and enter the living room. I sit down on the couch and just look ahead and think about how dumb I am.

I rub my eyes and look up at the now retired Television Title framed and hung on my wall. I'm the same person I was when I won that thing. Kinda. Maybe. I don't fucking know, I can barely remember what I did this morning let alone a year ago. Last Madness, last Warfare, I am definitely the same person I was then. I cam down to the ring, belly full of fire ready to just punch everyone in the face and say fuck you to world, now I got nothing in me. I'm fucking excited for this match. I'm happy about my life. Win, loss, draw I don't even care what happens. I'm just happy to face those three again.

...

What in the hell has happened to me? I'm happy to see Doc again? I'm happy to watch a LH promo? I'm happy to hear Lane whine about bullshit? I hope he got my get well soon card though. GAH! Fuck yoga! Fuck therapy! I'm a goddamn little bitch now! It dawns on me that I've been staring confused at the wall for a few minutes and Scarlett and Todd are sat beside me, gawking. I shake my head and relax on the couch, like I'm trying to cover up that I was daydreaming.

"Sup guys?"

"Jacob, we're worried about you."

"Why? Nothing to be worried about, I'm good."

T: "If you're good why couldn't you cut a promo?"

"... I have the words in my head but I can't make them come out. It's cool, not like I need to do it right?"

Scarlett and Todd look at each other.

"Right?"

"We're going try something honey okay?"

... Are they gonna kiss? I look at Todd who sits there smiling at me with his chubby little prick face.

"Jonathon Heartsford was a better TV champ than you."

I slowly turn to Scarlett, pretty sure this girl wants a nasty break up right now. And by break up I mean house fire.

"Excuse me?"

T: "I agree with her Gator."

Oh, wow. Wow! Mother fuckers, I let them into my home, give them everything and they go say shit like this!? Who the fuck. Oh. They're trying to make me angry, well it worked. Let them have it Gator!

"He was pretty good, had a lot of passion. Yeah I can see why people think he was better than me."

Well... Fuck.

T: "I think the Star Wars prequels are better than the originals."

Well you're fucking wrong.

"I disagree but respect your opinion."

"I think Vinnie Lane is hot."

Sure he is in that walking hepatitis way.

"He's a handsome man, I guess."

T: "You look like Deadpool."

And you look like an overweight Canadian stealing all of my fucking food.

"Haha, yeah I do a bit."

Well, I'm fucked.

F A D E 2 B L A C K

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