A shaky, handheld camera leads you, the viewer, down a narrow, zigzagging hallway. What little light the camera picks up coming from flickering fluorescent bulbs overhead. After a series of twists and turns, lefts and rights, and the creeping sensation of motion sickness washing over you, the camera finally picks up something new. A door. Dust specked and grimy. A shaky hand reaches out from off camera, pushing open the door before stepping inside, shining some kind of light on the inside.

The room is lit slightly better than the hallway, though not by much. It’s bathed in the glow of computer screens and sitting in the center of the room are two vague figures. We come a little closer and see the two figures closer. Carson Waters and someone. Someone else. A man in a blue suit. His hair is gray and his face clean shaven.

”Everything good?” Carson asks the man behind the camera, who in turn nods, making the entire picture blurry and sickening. After a few seconds, the video steadies out and you can once again make out what the fuck’s going on.

”Alright. We gotta be quiet because we’re about to drop some real shit. Sit down XWFam, cuz this is gonna fuck your shit up. Now, I want you to think about the tag title match at Bad Medicine and specifically, the challengers. Muddy Waters and Scully. Now, I want you to ask yourself what do you really know about those two? That Scully’s a and Muddy can’t make a valid fucking point if his life depended on it, right? Well yeah but there’s more to the story. Think about this.

Muddy paid off the nerds who work on the official XWF site to fuck up my name, hence why he keeps bringing it up like anyone cares about the XWF site. Now, Muddy has five letters. Know what else has five letters? Water. Scully also has five letters. Three words with five letters, and three has five letters so that’s four words. Four times five is twenty, and twenty is the approximate number of times I felt like punching myself in the face after sitting through Muddy’s whole promo in response to mine.

Coincidence? I think not.

But wait! There’s more.

See, Muddy seems to like referencing Hoodie Allen as if I should give a fuck about him. Sure he’s the guy who does Bruce’s theme song but I didn’t really see what that had to do with me. I don’t know the guy. Never met him. So I thought about it. I thought about it a lot, like more than he thought through anything he’s said ever and it hit me. Hoodie Allen has eleven letters. Eleven minus two is nine. Nine-Eleven. Now we all know Bush did Nine-Eleven. Lesser known is the fact that George Bush is a raging homosexual. So is Muddy, if all his talk about people being is anything more than him clutching for straws because he’s got nothing else to say. Now I’m not saying Muddy is George Bush, but Muddy is George Bush. Muddy Waters did Nine-Eleven. Nine-Eleven happened on September Eleventh, Two thousand one. You know what else was supposed to happen on the eleventh of a month? The Brick Squad versus the Black Hand. Now sure, the May Eleventh edition of Madness was turned into a super show of sorts and took place on the Thirteenth. What Muddy Bush failed to see, was the big picture. THEY FELL APART! Instead of facing the Brick Squad like men, they FUCKING FELL APART! We would’ve done it on the thirteenth, the eleventh, any fucking day but they went and fell apart. You can spin it any way you want, you fucking snake, but there’s no way you and your cronies walk away from it not looking like the biggest pussies in the world. Fuckin’ Muddy Bush and Michael Cheney. But wait, there’s even more here.

Muddy Bush redirected us to the challenged we laid, the one where we made sure to get Pest to say he accepted the challenge for that specific date so he couldn’t back out like a bitch. Guess what? It took him five responses to do just that. Another five. Adding that to the previous collection, that’s five fives.

Five times five is twenty five. Five times five can also be called five to the power of two or five squared. A square is two dimensional. A square also has four sides. Two times four is eight. Eight is two cubed. To cube something is to take it to the third power. Three.

Hold onto that thought. Tangent.

See, I called Muddy out on jumping dimensions and shit, which at first glance would make me look crazy as fuck but considering the bombshell that’s about to be dropped it makes all the sense in the world. Now, instead of denying that he can jump dimensions, he comes at me because of the name. THE FUCKING NAME OF THE DIMENSION, saying I ripped it from Sid Feder. Dude, let me educate you on how names work. See, the name of something doesn’t change just because someone else said it. Do you even see how dumb that logic is you fucking fuck? Right, let’s put it to the test. See, you’re here calling me Carson. Um, dude you’re ripping me off because I said my name was Carson first! Ha ha guys, look at how much Muddy is ripping me off. I should sue for copyright infringement. Fucking get it together man.

Also, hey man. Check those clips you played in defense of your dimension jumping habits. You’re gonna notice one glaring fucking omission. None of them mentioned any kind of vote where it would make any kind of goddamn sense for us as wrestlers to be able to participate or that it’d be allowed for us to vote for ourselves because once again, that’s fucking .

Anyway, back to it. Had to get that off my chest.

Where were we again? Oh, right. Three. Three people, as of the Twenty-Third of May, have faced Flynn and I for the tag titles. Scully is the constant, so let’s subtract him real quick. Three minus one is two. Muddy and Maverick. Now, Maverick has been noticing that I’ve been repeating myself a little from the match with Muddy, or is it the other way around? They’re basically the same person anyway so it isn’t like it matters. Hence why I repeat it. They’re both dumb enough to let Scully be the smart one. Two people, falling into the same trap. Two cubed, as we’ve already established is eight. Maverick has eight letters.

Maverick was also the mastermind behind the Black Hand, which is more of Flynn’s area but if that’s true that makes the group look even fucking worse so go nuts! Say Maverick did it! You all willingly followed a Maverick idea!

That makes four idiots. The original line up of idiots that is, GFK, Muddy Bush, Michael Cheney, and Pest.

Then the fallout happened yadda yadda yadda.

Then Muddy forgot how to listen when he said I didn’t say shit about the level of competition the Brick Squad has faced and is still facing even though he’s gone and watched our filibuster. Since you’re dumb or something, Muddy Bush, let me make it loud and clear. Quote from the filibuster.

I Said:The truth of the matter is we’ve made bigger splashes wading through the pool of lackluster competition we’ve been put up against, a pool that includes Maverick and Scully, who are the only members of the Black Hand to hold any title this year, than the Black Hand has made cannonballing into the deep end since their formation.

Yeah. It’s the truth.

Negative nine. Muddy Bush’s IQ. Negative three, the level of competition we’ve faced for the tag titles. Negative nine divided by negative three is three. We’re right back at three and there’s a reason for that. What shape has three sides? I’m asking you, Muddy Bush. Just to see how dumb you are, what shape has three sides?

No, it isn’t a circle you fucking failure.

A triangle. A triangle has three sides. You know what else is a triangle?”

Carson motions something at the man in the suit, who scrambles, punching some buttons into a console and then, an image flashes on screen.


”That’s right. Illuminati. I fucking got you guys red handed. Muddy Bush, Michael Cheney, and all of the rest of the Black Hand is really the Green Eye. The Nothing-Knowing brain to the All-Seeing Eye. The Black Hand is Illuminati Confirmed.”

Carson blinks rapidly, then begins to laugh.

”...or they’re just fucking >

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