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**03-30-2013, 04:26 PM**

Freddy
Don machete

How tragic, the Prince without a Kingdom.

With just over 24 hours to go until Gauntlet City hits the air, we catch up with Neonero, who is collecting his thoughts, or, well, he’s attempting to. See, he’s sat on his hotel room bed, looking at his Kindle Fire (none of that Apple shite), and just watched John Madison’s promotional couplet. He’s heaving a little, trying to hold in his laughter, while waving whoever’s holding the camera to enter the room.

Don't worry guys, I’m not jacking off to this shit. There’s only one tosser in this room - and he’s the one on the screen.

Nero points to his tablet’s screen, letting out a chuckle. Some kind of in joke I guess.

Fine then, lets dosey-do a little. It’s funny how when Mystery talks about how bad John Madison’s trash talk is, I sort of nod my head, and I see he’s right, but it’s not until I actually have some directed at me that I see truly how far down the ladder our little Maddy has really fallen.

Quote:you boys keep running when you see me coming after you with a microphone like it's a fucking machete.

Oh, shit! He’s turned into Fred Durst! From now on lets be inane cunts and call you Freddy from time to time. Where’s your red cap?

Seriously though.

Nero rolls his eyes.

Of all the dick swingers here, and there are many, you have to be the worst. And no, that’s not a literal allusion to the fact John Black’s cock has your hookers spewing money at his feet. It’s an open secret that you mistreat poor John because you’re lashing out over your sexual failings. But let’s get down to the trash, eh, because you were sooooo methodical in there. I felt like Feder was coming at me for a moment. Oh, wait, I’m lying.

Let’s do this Maddy style since you’re into talking as if you’re writing lists. This is all your promo said;

I play videogames
You don’t care about England/what I said about my country doesn’t interest you
Old = /= new
I lost to Jeff Hardy

Nero clears his throat.

Four points, none of them interesting or original.

First of all the hours you spent blithering about videogames...do you not, seriously, think I was expecting someone to use those lines? That’s all you came at me with, really? For starters, no I don't play Star craft. Nor Warcraft. Unfortunately for you, gaming terms tend to seep out into the real world. I could bore you with linguistics but I’m sure its not necessary, after all you’re totally cerebral and a master of talk right?

Ahem. (more throat clearing)

I chose GG NORE because its nice and succinct, because it gets the point across. And because its fucking true. Those who I beat, get no second chances. That will happily include you if we cross paths Sunday. I’ll have no issues whatsoever dropping you on your head, it might even, God forbid, knock some sense into you. You daft twat.

Saying you find me talking is completely irrelevant to me, because the words you quoted were completely irrelevant to you. These were words about my match. You know, relevant to Europe, and the venue. I could pick holes in your promos for the tag matches if you like, but I don't think it’d achieve anything positive on your end.

I mean I could tell you I couldn’t care less about your ‘nasty habits’, Freddy, but it’d be completely inane. I could tell you that you love cigarettes so much because they are substitutes for the long hard cock you secretly crave every night. Do you remember when I called my own trash talk inane because I didn’t think you’d respond? I think the last thing I expected in response was a shower of shit. Truly, you do surprise me.

Nero shakes his head, and turns off the tablet, because this is just as easy from memory.

Chastise the European title all you like, because I quite agree, it’s a greasy piece of shit in the hands of Hardy, and under the control of Paul Heyman. But I will change all that soon, don’t you worry. I might be champion of Madness, and that will make me Champion of the quagmire. But logically speaking? That should make a slimy cunt like you jealous as fuck. But you don't do logic, you just exist.

And if you seriously think I will be goaded into talking about my ‘loss’ to Jeff hardy, then I despair of you. Those tactics might open up jobbers, but not me, and you should know better. Back of the class Maddy.

Nero looks disappointed and closes his eyes, going into contemplation.

Old versus new. You know what, you may have a point there. We do tend to look at life with rose tinted glasses. No, you are absolutely right. You had one big win, and I decided that was John Madison. And the chaff I see today is obviously not going to match the zenith that guy reached, however many natty little comparisons you draw. The truth is you were just as shit back then, isn’t it? That’s why you cant pick out this ‘je ne sais quoi’ I keep mentioning. You just did a Mark Flynn, right?

Got lucky in a big match. And clutched at the ceiling since. Flynn at least managed to break through the ceiling again. What have you done? Sweet nothing of note since, save for joining a group because you know you’ll get arse raped by the likes of myself, Feder, Soldier, hell even Duke and Nazi, if you go back into the world on your own.

Nero pouts.

But you have to cross the ice, Bambi.

Your little friends wont be holding your hand the whole way.

Be a big girl, now, Maddy.

Straighter face now. Nero pulls out a sheet of paper, reading it and nodding along to himself before sharing it with us.

By the way, I took that game engine to get looked at at a local games shop. I couldn’t resist because if you’re spinning inane shit I may as well join in. I asked for a serious review and this is what he was kind enough to write down for me:

Same flawless game engine as 2012: The game engine is known to freeze. Users weren’t particularly interested in the new ‘sewer rat’ campaign mode and soon got fast of rocking in cars with prostitutes. They felt as though they were playing a very outdated version of Grand Theft Auto.

Same sleek mechanics and game design: Users pointed out that ‘game engine’ and ‘mechanics’ were coefficient terms. In other words, the same fucking thing in different words. As for game design, users felt that the UI needed an overhaul as it was still clunky and really sucked in single player.

Updated graphics: The users think the updated Maddy looks like shit, and actually clamoured for a return to 32bit gaming, so that they didn’t have to look at Freddy in such excruciating detail.

Same replay value: Most users, when polled, said they would not play again. Furthermore, they insisted that they wouldn't buy a sequel unless the above faults were solved and a major overhaul was undertaken. They feel the franchise is, to coin a phrase, dying on its arse. They were especially disgusted with the needless ‘companion’ DLC and didn’t want to pay extra money just to see juvenile pranks played on the likes of Sebastian Duke, who, they say, is a good character constantly evolving, and shouldn’t be subject to this jackassery.

Conclusion: Do not want

Well, we can’t argue with the good public, now can we?

Your minge stinks, go douche.

GG, Freddy.

GG, NORE.

We fade

Norris Cole
And his Hellacious return

Something has been missing in Nero’s recent promos...one cult character who the fans have taken to...a certain man who is more over with the crowd than many of the faces on the show are...People may hate Nero but they love the shit out of this guy...he goes by the name of...

[Image: Norris_cole_50th.jpg]

Norris Cole!

We catch up with Neonero, who is milling around the lobby of his hotel, impatiently. It’s a nice hotel, not seemingly as nice as the one he was at some days ago, it still has a certain charm about it. There are paintings of old shipwrecks on the wall which we note adds a nice touch, coming full circle and all. Suddenly there is a kafuffle, as from the corner of our eye, comes tumbling a familiar shape....It’s Norris Cole! Overweighed by Neonero’s heavy bags, Norris has sadly tripped and fallen 7 or 8 steps. He lies grimacing over the bags, and Nero makes a start on him.

Oh, I, eh, I’m sorry sir. I uh, slipped, ehheh, yes, slipped, and, and...

Oh Norris, just get up.

Norris waits a millisecond for Nero to hold out a hand to him, but quickly realises that wont happen. He clambers up slowly, readjusting his glasses as he reaches his feet. We notice the locomotion of his fall sent a small box flying across the lobby. He scurries to reach it, but Nero grabs him by the collar of his shirt.

Well well, what is this Norris?

I, uh, please don't, umm...

Nero opens up the box and recoils in disgust, immediately slamming the lid back on and thrusting it into Norris’s chest.

You people...

What was in Norris’s box? Find out, next week, well, the week after next, only on Madness! And only if either man is prepared to divulge. It looks pretty interesting though. Kind of like the whole MYSTERY OF THE ABSENT MONTH which we haven’t addressed for a while. Will we ever answer that? Or is it to be secret for all time?

Time shall, indeed, tell.

We fade

Microphone machetes

EASIN' INTO SECOND GEAR

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode 05: of Freds and Norris's (European Title)
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