Welcome back to the second installment of “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s Rock of Love!

In our last episode, Loverboy met his ten number one contenders – unfortunately for them, only six remain. Blythe, the emotional, wiccan goth girl from Tampa, Cheyenne, the corn fed country girl from Texas, Marcy, the brainy MIT student who loves math, Demi, some chick who looks like she grew up in a Disney television show, Candy, a vapid cougar tryig one last ditch effort at “making it” before Craigslist handjobs become her only option, and last week’s “Loverboy Suite” winner, Japanese Aiko, a the cutest anime babe anywhere in Florida.

Although last time, on Rock of Love’s premiere, Marcy won the “Get to Know Me” challenge that Loverboy gave the girls; she still found herself left downstairs to room with Blythe – who took it upon herself to seek vengeance against Aiko for getting to go upstairs!


((Blythe is writhing topless on Aiko’s extremely pink bedsheets, grinding herself into the pillows while muttering some sort of guttural chanting with her eyes rolled back. Marcy is trying to ignore her while typing into her laptop, but it gets a little too loud to go unnoticed.))

Blythe: Oh great mother goddess! Take the scent of my womanhood and use it to send the oriental demon spiraling into the deadly apogee of ecstacy!

Marcy: Can you… keep it down? I’m trying to play Warcraft. I have a raid, and you’re really distracting.

((Blythe responds by humping the pillows harder until Marcy simply gets up with her computer and leaves the room.))






And how did things go in the Loverboy Suite? Our cameras were there first thing in the morning to catch the two occupants as they woke up!

((We see “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane as he is lying in bed, his hands folded behind his head of blond hair, wide awake with a grin from ear to ear. Next to him, curled in a ball, is the tiny frame of Aiko, completely naked and snoring loudly. Loverboy looks over at her and nudges her until she snaps awake.))

Aiko: KAWAII!

Loverboy: Right, yup, very kawaii. You were totally kawaii with your ankles behind your head last night, too, by the way.

Aiko: SEKKUSU!

Loverboy: Hell yeah, sekkusu! Made me feel like a god damn samurai, baby. “Shogun” Vinnie Lane, right here! You ready to get dressed and go downstairs for today’s games? I have some good stuff planned, man!

Aiko: Watashitachi wa asobu futatabi `watashi no kuchi no naka ni ire' suru koto wa dekimasu ka?

Loverboy: Like… probably? I dunno man, put your clothes on and get down there, I’m gonna hop in the shower and I’ll be there in a few, cool?

Aiko: KAWAII!

Loverboy: Totally! Now seriously, get out, dude.






Later in the morning, the girls are all gathered together on their raised stage platform and are ready to heat the challenge set forth for them that day. Everyone seems to be a little impatient until, finally, Roxy Cotton and Diesel walk into the room. The girls all murmur to one another wondering where Loverboy is.))

Diesel: Good morning, girls! Hope you had a good night – I know me and Shawn did! I mean, not together. That would be gay, and Big Daddy Cool is ALL about pussy. Now, Shawn sent me to explain the way today is gonna go to you chicks, because he’s still busy bleaching his roots and doesn’t feel like he should be on TV ‘til he’s done. BUT, in the meantime, he wants all of you to each come up with a cool ‘fantasy date’ scenario for him to go on with you today.

Roxy: Girls, you need to really impress Vinnie today… he gets bored easily, distracted even more easily, and he will not hesitate to let you know if he’d rather be hanging out with, or inside of, someone else. And keep in mind, he’s going to be judging ALL of you against what it’s like to spend time with me, which is not a comparison any of you are going to win easily. So, go get creative!

((Diesel approaches Roxy as the girls disperse, and asks her to go into a corner of the room and talk to him, seeming to forget completely that there are cameras all over the place.))

Diesel: Jenny, have you ever had sex in your pooper?

Roxy: Who’s Jenny? And yeah, of course I have, look at me. Slutting is my entire business model.

Diesel: Right, of course, Miss McCarthy I didn’t mean any disrespect. It’s just that… well, my big 18 wheeler caused two blowouts last night and I’m not sure exactly how to get things fixed up and get back on the road, if you know what I mean?

Roxy: Yeah, I get it…

Diesel: The 18 wheeler is my dick.

Roxy: I know. Look…

Diesel: I hurt the girls with my big weiner.

Roxy: Right. So…

Diesel: I hurt their butts, that was the blowouts I talked about.

Roxy: I UNDERSTAND! Christ, you big goon. Look, one of my webcam subscribers likes it when I dress up like a baby. Don’t ask, okay? I have no idea why. But he pays really good, and I brought some of the adult diapers I use for the show. Go grab a couple and bring them to those poor Siamese girls you ruined forever and get them out of here before they start shitting everywhere.

Diesel: Thank you so much!

Roxy: No problem. Oh, and Big D?

Diesel: Yeah?

Roxy: Text me a picture of that OTHER Big D, okay?

Diesel: I don’t know what that means, but okay! HOOORRRRNNN!!!

Time for a quick commercial break!

Welcome back to Loverboy’s Rock of Love! It’s early afternoon in Clearwater, Florida, and “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s first date is Cheyenne. We see the two of them out in a field near a big, dirty pickup truck on giant wheels.

Loverboy: So, Cheyenne, you really impressed the hell out of me last night, dude, I’m not gonna lie. The quickest way to man’s heart is always through his stomach, right? I can’t wait to have some sweet ass venison later tonight. Diesel says he can barbecue like a champ. Of course, he thinks he does everything like a champ, because he thinks he actually is a champ, but whatever.

Cheyenne: Glad you liked it, sugar. And we gon’ have us a good ol’ time out here today, Loverboy.

Loverboy: What’s the plan, dude? All I see is a bunch of mud and a big ugly truck!

Cheyenne: Hell yeah! We’re gonna do some old fashioned mudboggin’, boy! I’m drivin’ first, so get on in the passenger side and buckle up like a good boy!

Loverboy: Well… okay… we can drive around in mud puddles if you want, I guess.

((Loverboy and Cheyenne each get into the truck, and she starts the monster engine up with a roar. A moment later, the truck is tearing into mud holes and splattering the wet dirt everywhere as the pickup bounces all over the place.))




((Cheyenne stops the truck and the two climb out, Loverboy looking a little unimpressed.))

Cheyenne: What’s wrong, Loverboy? This ain’t your thing?

Loverboy: I gotta tell you, man, compared to what Aiko and me did last night? This is pretty boring, dude.

Cheyenne: Well, I tell you what man, this time you drive. I think I got a way to make it more something you’re into.

Loverboy: Yeah, cool, let’s see.

((Again the duo climb into the oversized truck, this time switching places with Loverboy in the driver’s seat. As the truck blasts to life and starts grinding its wheels into the mud again, suddenly Cheyenne’s head drops down and vanishes behind the steering wheel. Loverboy grins big as he steers, right up until he hits another big bump.))

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! OWWWWWW!!!!!

Loverboy’s first date of the day didn’t seem to go so well, so hopefully whatever Demi has in store for him will be a little more interesting and easier on his body parts.

Demi has arranged to have herself and Loverboy driven to a spa in town, and the two of them are already inside!

((Inside the spa, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane and Demi are standing and talking to one another, clad in fluffy white robes.))

Loverboy: Well dude, I think we both definitely look awesome in bathrobes, so that part’s cool, but this is not the most exciting thing I’ve ever done.

Demi: But we got mani-pedis!

Loverboy: Yeah, true, and you might have noticed me falling asleep while that old Chinese lady was scraping the barnacles off of my size 14 feet. Those things are made for kicking fools in the mouth, not looking pretty, you know?

Demi: Well, like, we were supposed to, like, talk to each other and junk.

Loverboy: I’m not really one to run my mouth endlessly, honestly. I mean, unless you want me to cut a promo right here in the middle of this TV show about my upcoming opponent, Guppy Parsh! He used to be a doctor, you know. Now he’s Batman.

Demi: Like… what?

Loverboy: Yeah, it’s weird. I mean, I’ve only seen him fight against a girl and then Peter Gilmour. Those are his two title defenses since I’ve been in the XWF – not too impressive, right? I mean, yeah, Pete’s cool and all but he’s ALWAYS got the establishment trying to hold him down, you know? The poor guy never has a chance to win any titles. The thing that really gets me, man, is it’s like Guppy doesn’t even care about the title! I mean, he just let it sit there and be named after a show that doesn’t even exist anymore for months! He only finally picked a name after his match stipulations for the defense against Gilmour were planned, and it’s not like they’re really anything, honestly. What the hell does “Extreme X-Treme” really even mean? Right? Demi?

Demi: Like, I think you’re right, Vinnie… wow, this is, like, actually pretty interesting. It’s like, I never really thought I’d be, like, paying attention to words a guy was saying. I usually, like, just pay attention to his wallet.

Loverboy: I know what you mean! Usually for me it’s all about sex, drugs and rock n’ roll on my off time from the ring, but man, this match is a big deal! I have a real chance to make a name for myself as a singles star, a megastar, and back it up with a belt that no one can say I had help winning. And the title itself deserves to be something better than a “Ruler of the Road” or whatever it is right now, man, and it deserves to be around the handsome waist of a REAL man, a REAL champion, and not some cartoon character, you know? Like I’ve said before, I have respect for Guppy, he’s one of my favorites, even, but for a little guy like him to have a title? This isn’t some midget sideshow, and it’s not a cruiserweight division. The XWF and its fans deserve a REAL champion to be proud of every week on Madness, dude.

Demi: Like… your passion is, like, totally sexy. We need to go ahead and finish this date up so we can get back to the house.

Loverboy: Oh, shit, you’re right. Where’s the damn masseuse anyway? We’ve been in here for a while.

((Demi smiles, then grabs a bottle of body oil from the nearby table.))

Demi: Loverboy… that’s the best part. You’re the masseuse!

((Demi then shrugs off the robe and lets it fall to the floor. She smiles as she squirts the oils onto her body and rubs it across her nubile flesh.))




((Then, smirking, she slides onto the massage table and looks expectantly at Loverboy.))

Demi: Well, Loverboy? Like, what are you waiting for?






((After arriving back to the palatial house on Clearwater Beach, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane is immediately met at the door by a giggling Candy, alongside Roxy Cotton. They’re even wearing matching slutty dresses. As Demi and Loverboy exchange winks and she jogs off to her bedroom, Loverboy greets the two bodacious blondes with a hug for each.))

Loverboy: Hey guys! Candy, I’m glad you’re here and excited! It’s your turn to go on our date now, man, are you excited?

Candy: OMG I’m SOOOOOooooOOOOOooo excited Benny! Me and Roxy were hanging out and it gave me a great idea!

Loverboy: Yeah, cool, but my name’s Vinnie, okay?

Candy: TEEHEE!

Roxy: You can keep knocking, Vinnie, but there’s nobody home with this one.

Loverboy: No shit.

Candy: ANYway… me and Roxy both love getting our pictures taken! SO, I thought the best kind of date we could have would be to just… stay in!

Loverboy: I’m confused, dude… stay in and do what?

((Candy and Roxy look at one another, and then Candy pulls a camera out from behind her back and hands it to Loverboy. She and Roxy then walk towards a side room and curl their fingers at Loverboy, asking him to follow them.))

Loverboy: Oh man… this is gonna be good.

((Once inside the room, Roxy and Candy have already started posing on the furniture. Loverboy decides not to waste any time and start snapping pictures.))




Loverboy: Oh dude! We can call you two “Rox Candy!” Isn’t that awesome?

Roxy: You’re so smart, baby.

Candy: Yeah! And it’s neat because MY name’s Candy!

((Trying to ignore the sound of air escaping from Candy’s ears, Loverboy has the two babes remove their dresses and stand near the big bay window, catching the light of the late afternoon outside.))




Loverboy: Good stuff, girls! This is a hell of a date! It’s like… instead of just ONE hot chick, I get two! You have definitely been paying attention to what I like, Candy!

((Just then, Diesel barges into the room noisily, carrying a box of adult diapers.))

Diesel: SHAWN! We have something weird going on in the girls’ bedroom down the hall, I might need your help, man. Oh, and Jenny, thank you SO much for lending me your diapers. I’m gonna just leave the extras here ok?

((Diesel sets the box down and rushes off down the hall. As Loverboy sets the camera down and looks at Roxy, she hangs her head and buries her face in her hands.))

Loverboy: Uh… you can tell me ALL about that later, dude! I guess we have to cut this date a little short so I can go see what’s up. But, you know, feel free to keep snapping pics without me okay? See ya at the ceremony later, Candy!






((Hurrying into the bedroom together, Diesel and “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane squeeze in and see Aiko and Blythe together on Aiko’s bed. They are nude, their limbs intertwined with one another and are locking lips as well as exploring each other’s bodies with their hands and fingers.))

Loverboy: Holy crap! Girl on girl in two different rooms? Diesel is it my birthday?

Diesel: No Shawn, you were born on July 22nd, 1965, in Chandler, Arizona. You’re a Cancer, right on the Leo cusp, and you –

Loverboy: Whoa, chill out, man, you’re getting to sound like Pest-levels of stalkery there, dude.

Diesel: Sorry. Are they fighting?

Loverboy: No, man… they’re straight up scissoring right here in the Rock of Love house! Girls? Yo, girls? What’s up? How did this awesomeness start?

((Blythe stops kissing Aiko long enough to turn towards Loverboy and reply.))

Blythe: She is entranced by my spell, Loverboy. My musk in her pillow brought the Earth spirits into her soul, and now she is tangled in my web.

((She dives back into Aiko’s anxious mouth.))

Loverboy: Well, that’s fuckin’ weird. But this is still the best day of my life! Let’s give these two some privacy. They can be excused from the date contest because, man, this is way more important.

((Diesel and Loverboy walk out of the room and leave the girls to their erotic writhing.))






((Finally, Loverboy finds Marcy as she sits at a large mahogany table in the parlor. She has a lot of books and papers spread around and sits smiling up at Loverboy as he enters the room.))

Loverboy: Marcy! Dude! I’ve been looking all over for you!

Marcy: Hi Vinnie! I was planning our cool date. You said you wanted it to be a “fantasy date” right? So I figured, why not play D&D?

Loverboy: You want to play a board game?

Marcy: It’s not a board game, silly! You roll these seven different 20-sided dice and I use the numbers to figure out how successful you are in your actions! I already made you a character, and an opponent!

((Marcy slides a couple of sheets of paper to Loverboy, who sits down and looks them over.))

Loverboy: Okay, so, I’m like, an Elven knight? And I have this badass sword? That’s pretty cool. OH! And’ I have to kill this tiny goblin named Gupper! That makes sense, dude, you remembered the match!

Marcy: I have an eidetic memory.

Loverboy: Oh? Are you on medication for that? Is it contagious?

Marcy: You’re so funny!

Loverboy: I am? Well, okay… let’s go ahead and play this game! It’ll be, like, kind of a preview of the title match I have after we get done taping the show.

Marcy: Okay… so, Vincyn Lehne, you find yourself in a dark forest, alone, having lost the rest of your party to an attacking gang of bandits. You’re unharmed, but have to find your way home through the woods… suddenly, a goblin jumps out from behind the trees! It’s the wanted scourge, Gupper! He runs at you wielding a spear! What do you do?

Loverboy: Uh… I guess I duck?

Marcy: Great idea! Roll three dice!

((Loverboy picks up three of the weirdly shaped dice and tosses them onto the table top.))

Marcy: Let’s see… 14, 7, and 11. You get a 32! Just barely, you duck under the spear, but it hooks your scabbard and you lose your sword on the ground! Quick, make a move before Gupper regains his position.

Loverboy: Right… Uh… hand to hand combat, dude, that’s my whole thing! Give him a clothesline!

((Loverboy grabs the three dice again and rolls.))

Marcy: 52! Great roll! You hit Gupper so hard that he drops his spear and staggers backward – he’s too dazed to make a move, you go again!

Loverboy: End it quick! I grab him and give him the Black Label Driver! Boom!

((Loverboy grabs ten dice and throws them all.))

Marcy: Holy crud! You rolled a 177! That’s amazing! Okay, so, you grab Gupper and do the Label Driver thing… it’s a critical, direct hit! Gupper is dead!

Loverboy: Fuck yeah! Now I take his belt!

Marcy: Oh… okay! Yeah, you take his belt and now you won! Great job Vinnie!

Loverboy: Oh, man, that was actually a lot of fun! I mean, today I got some road head, got to rub down a hot naked girl, got to watch chicks touching each other… so I kinda thought this was gonna be more lame than it was, you know? But it was only a little lame. Any time I win it must be cool, right?

Marcy: Right…

Loverboy: Awesome! Well, I’ll see you at the title ceremony, dude!






((The six remaining girls are standing on their raised stage platform, and Diesel and Roxy Cotton are in front of them. Diesel has the mini title belts in his massive hands. Finally, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane enters the room in his full rocker ensemble, and wearing his three Trios Championship belts.))

Loverboy: Well ladies, today was another really super cool day with all of you. I asked that you all come up with some awesome one on one dates for us to get to know each other on, and man, did you deliver the goods! Unfortunately, for one of you the tour is gonna have to end here, man.

((Loverboy turns to Diesel and the big guy hands him a belt.))

Loverboy: First, I wanna bring down a girl who really made my morning awesome. When I went to bed last night, I thought it was gonna be a one and done kinda deal, that there was no way she could last another elimination. Well dudes, I was wrong. Aiko, come and get your title belt, girl!

((Aiko giggles and runs down to Loverboy, wrapping her arms around his neck as he puts the belt around her waist. She kisses him and then returns to the group.))

Loverboy: Next up, Demi, I was so impressed with our date today. You took something super lame like a spa day and made it awesome with your hot body and your listening skills. Mostly your hot body though. Come and get it, baby!

((Demi saunters down to Loverboy and licks her lips while she gets her belt put on. Loverboy swats her on the ass playfully as she walks back to the stage.))

Loverboy: Also giving me a big surprise today was Blythe. Man, I don’t know what kind of spooky voodoo you’re into, but today it was pretty fucking cool. You earned this belt, sugar, so don’t be shy!

((Blythe doesn’t smile, she just walks down to Loverboy and waits while he gives the belt to her. Before she walks away though, she pulls her fishnet sleeve up from her arm.))

Blythe: You belong to me, Vinnie Lane. I carved your name into my flesh to please the Earth Mother.

Loverboy: Wow. You must screw like a lunatic. I’m stoked, man.

((Blythe gets back in line, leaving just Cheyenne, Marcy and Candy without belts.))

Loverboy: This next title I want to award to someone who was really thoughtful to the sort of stuff I’m into, and who made an effort to be friends with my friends. It got really weird at the end, what with all the diapers and stuff, but it was still awesome seeing Candy and Roxy posing for those hot and sexy photos for me. Candy, you still have a chance to be my number one contender… come over here, now.

((Candy squeals and runs down to Loverboy, claiming her belt and happily bouncing back to the platform. Loverboy then stands with the one remaining mini belt in his hands.))

Loverboy: Dude, this is the hardest part. Both of you girls are really cool in your own ways. Marcy, yesterday you made me feel really cool with how into me you were and how you paid attention, and today was nice too – but I’m not really into roleplaying games, you know? I mean… roleplaying? Who does that? And Cheyenne, you brought home dinner last night like a champ, but I’ve never been a redneck country boy, so I’m not sure we’re even on the same page.

((Loverboy pauses as the camera shows each of the two girls’ faces. Marcy starts to cry.))

Loverboy: Cheyenne…

((Cheyenne smiles and raises her arms.))

Cheyenne: Yeehaw! In your face, dork!

Loverboy: Cheyenne, you bit my dick. You lose, dude. Diesel, help her get her stuff.

Cheyenne: Are you kidding me?!? No way!

Loverboy: Oh yeah. Way.

((Diesel smiles big and helps Cheyenne walk towards the door.))

Diesel: BDC getting some grits tonight baby!

Loverboy: Marcy, I like you dude. You make me smile. I need you to really step it up tomorrow alright? Now get your little butt down here.

((Marcy blushes and gets her belt, then returns to the area with the other four girls. All five stand smiling with their title belts around their waists.))

Loverboy: Well man, I’m totally glad that’s over, I don’t know about you all. Time for the good part – I get to choose my little spoon for the night! And girl, you really earned it… Demi, I’ll see you upstairs! Goodnight to the rest of you, I can’t wait until I get more time with you all tomorrow!

((Loverboy walks up the stairs, followed a few moments later by Demi as the credits start to roll up the screen.))