((The scene opens up to “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane in all of his rock n’ roll glory – bright red bandanna, aviator style mirrored sunglasses, denim jacket over a black Poison half shirt, and a pair of fingerless black leather gloves. Wearing one Trios title belt around his waist and holding each of the other two on either shoulder, Loverboy stands in front of a beautiful, palatial estate on a beach of pure white sand. Surrounded by gorgeous palm trees, Loverboy grins from ear to ear as he introduces himself to the viewing audience.))

Loverboy: Dudes and dudettes, I am “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane! For the last ten or twelve years, I’ve been busting my butt on the stage as a singer and guitar player all across the country, and also have been having my butt busted in wrestling rings worldwide!

((Loverboy shifts his position slightly, displaying the title belts more prominently and catching more light on their reflective golden surfaces.))

Loverboy: My life has been pretty cool, man, if I don’t say so myself… I’ve been a headliner, a main eventer and a champion. But one thing that has eluded me through all this time rocking and rolling from one hemisphere to the other is that special lady. That’s why I’m here in Clearwater, Florida, the prettiest version of my hometown that there is. VH1 and my good friends, the sexy fox Roxy Cotton and Big Daddy Cool, Diesel are here to help me find – my Rock of Love!

From across the country, ten young women have made their way through the rigorous selection process from VH1, and made the final cut to vie for “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane’s affection.

First, Demi, a wannabe singer/actress from Los Angeles!



Demi: I’m, like, 21 years old, and, like, a Libra, and, like, I’m TOTALLY into whatever the guy’s name is that’s hosting the show!

Next up, Blythe, who works as a night manager of a Hot Topic in Tampa!



Blythe: Hey… I really would rather write poetry, or cut myself, but this is cool, I guess. I hope Vinnie touches me better than my stepdad did.

Third on the list is Candy! She’s a 35 year old dancer from New Orleans who we found passed out on Bourbon Street!



Candy: When I grow up, I want to be a Barbie!

((Candy looks off camera.))

Candy: Do I go down on the producer now, or after the show?

From Portland, Oregon, we have Stacey!



Stacey: I compost, only eat organic, vegan food, and hate mainstream radio. I’m gender-fluid, and I don’t use sexist pronouns. This whole show is really sexist, but, Vinnie Lane is a pretty cis-girl.

From Austin, Texas, Cheyenne spends her time cleaning out barns and milking cows – she’s a regular farmer’s daughter!



Cheyenne: Howdy, y’all! I can’t wait to show ol’ Loverboy how a down home country girl can roll in the hay! He needs a big ol’ heapin’ helpin’ of G.R.I.T.S. – that’s “Girls raised in the South!” Yee haw!

Marcy goes to MIT and studies actual rocket science!



Marcy: This is a joke, right?

All the way from Tokyo, Japan, Aiko is a video game tester and sells her panties to businessmen on the side.



Aiko: KAWAII!!!!!!!


Ebony runs a facility for underprivileged youth in Baltimore, and claimed on her application that she wanted “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane to “put some cream in her coffee.”



Ebony: Well, what do y’all want me to say? I’m obviously just here to fulfill some sort of stereotype balance. Do you want me to make a joke about food stamps?

Our last two hopefuls are sisters Jennifer and Jessica. Vinnie Lane has a thing for twins, but has no idea that these two are actually conjoined at the vagina, rendering sexual intercourse impossible!



Jessica and Jennifer: Hey, we still have buttholes!

And now it’s time for the guest of honor, the rock n’ roll megastar, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane!

((Loud guitar music plays as Loverboy, flanked on either side by Roxy Cotton and Diesel, walks down a carpeted staircase to stand in front of the ten beautiful girls, all of whom are dressed up and waiting as a group on a small stage area. Loverboy stands in front of them all, removes his sunglasses and smiles. Then, spreading open his denim jacket, he reveals the three Trios Championship belts on his waist to a round of applause from the girls. Loverboy unhooks the belts and hands them one at a time to Diesel, who throws each of them over his beefy shoulder. Finally, Loverboy takes off the jacket and gives it to Roxy, who leans in and gives him a deep kiss with plenty of tongue as she takes it and hangs it on a coat rack off to the side.))

Loverboy: Ladies! Welcome to beautiful Clearwater, Florida, and welcome to “Rock of Love!” I am, obviously, “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane, and I’m the reason all of you are here. Now, unfortunately I can’t keep all ten of you, there can only be one winner, man. And actually, I think I’m the real winner, right guys?

((Everyone laughs, except Diesel who seems to have completely missed the joke.))

Diesel: Wait, Shawn, does that mean none of these girls are going to win? Do we have to give out the consolation prizes already?

Loverboy: We have consolation prizes?

Diesel: LADIES COME GET YOUR BOARD GAME VERSIONS! I’M SO, SO SORRY!

Loverboy: No, wait, no, Diesel, I just meant I was the real winner for getting to choose from all of these bodacious hotties! I mean, look at these chicks, man! You two, are you twins?

Jennifer and Jessica: Yeah. We’re Siamese, but not like the cat. And we’re from America.

Loverboy: Wait, you mean you’re, like, stuck together?

Jessica and Jennifer: Yeah. We’re conjoined at the vagina.

((Loverboy’s jaw drops open and his eyes go wide. He looks like he’s seen a ghost.))

Loverboy: Wait, wait, wait… you guys are stuck together at the snatch? Are there two holes or just one, man?

Jessifer and Jennica: We don’t have one. We’re connected there.

Loverboy: Whoa, dude, we have got to add something to the application for next season okay Big D? “Must have a working and accessible pussy.” You chicks have got to go. Oh, and you back there, token black girl?

Ebony: Yeah, what about it?

Loverboy: Googled it last night, man, and Diesel was totally wrong about the Rooney Rule extending to VH1 reality shows, man. I’m not really into dark meat, you know? So, like, your tour ends here too. Sorry!

Diesel: Miss Sapphire, I’ll walk you to the car waiting outside. You two girls can come with me to my tour bus!

Loverboy: You get ‘em, BDC!

Special Backstage Bonus Footage! ((Scene shifts to Diesel sitting in a tour bus, his neck covered with hickeys.)) Diesel: Dude, Shawn says it’s totally cool if I scoop up his sloppy seconds, and I’ve never been with a circus freak before. Plus, Big Daddy Cool is ALL about the back door! HOOOORRRRRRNNNN!!!! ((Jennifer and Jessica plop into Diesel’s lap and start peppering his grinning face with sloppy kisses.))

((Back in front of the girls, Loverboy is explaining the day to the seven who are remaining.))

Loverboy: So, here’s the deal, right? Today, we’re going to have a little bit of a party and we’re gonna get to know each other a little bit. Afterward, there’s gonna be a little bit of a test on how well you know me, music, the XWF, and things like that. At the end of the night – ONE of you is gonna be out. The other six will get these cool, sexy championship belts, and you can challenge me to a match any time, man!

((Loverboy holds up one of the pretty little belts, and the girls all squeal and clap. Then, Roxy walks up to Loverboy with a bottle of liquor in each hand as Loverboy grins from ear to ear.))

Loverboy: So – who’s ready to party, dudes?

((Everyone cheers as the ladies step down from the stage and Loverboy moves into the group and starts to mingle.))




((A little later, and “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane is sitting on a leather couch with a glass of whisky in his hand. On his lap, the bubbly blonde Candy is sitting and giggling uncontrollably at just about everything Loverboy says. Sitting next to him on the couch and typing into a laptop is Marcy. Loverboy takes a swig of his glass and hands it off to Candy who drains it.))

Loverboy: So, Marcy, are you a fan of wrestling?

Marcy: Nope.

Loverboy: How about rock n’ roll?

Marcy: Nope.

Loverboy: Ah… ok… well, what are you into, dude?

Marcy: Well, I’m really into number theory right now. You might remember, The first historical find of an arithmetical nature is a fragment of a table: the broken clay tablet Plimpton 322 (Larsa, Mesopotamia, ca. 1800 BCE) contains a list of "Pythagorean triples", i.e., integers (a,b,c) such that a^2+b^2=c^2. The triples are too many and too large to have been obtained by brute force. The heading over the first column reads: "The takiltum of the diagonal which has been subtracted such that the width..."

((At this point, Loverboy is glassy eyed and staring off into the distance. He quickly snaps back to life with a line right out of the crappiest bar pickup scene out there.))

Loverboy: Well, cool, you know my favorite number is 68… that’s where you go down on me and then I owe you one!

((Marcy doesn’t look impressed, and Loverboy is struggling to find a follow up. Luckily, Candy erupts with one of those tiny little woman sneezes that sound like a mouse may have made it.))

Candy: TYYooo!

((The force of the sneeze forces Candy to grind her butt into the lap of Loverboy, instantly getting his attention.))

Loverboy: Bless you Candy! Like, really, bless you. You’re an angel.

Candy: Thanks Vance! I’m gonna send you to heaven!

Loverboy: Vinnie. My name’s Vinnie.

Candy: Whatever! Do you like my boobs?

((Candy turns and rubs her obviously enhanced chest into Loverboy’s face, giggling as she auto-motorboats him.))

Loverboy: Definitely! And what do you like about me?

Candy: Wellllll… I like your hair, and your house, and the fact that we’re on TV!

Loverboy: Oh, ok…

((Marcy, who has been furiously typing the entire time, takes a break and stretches her fingers. Loverboy sees her and takes her hand, pressing it against his lips.))

Loverboy: Let daddy kiss it and make it better, okay dollface?

((Marcy blushes in spite of herself, then quickly pulls her hand away and goes back to typing.))




((Later still, and now we see Loverboy relaxing in a hot tub with Aiko, Stacey and Demi. Well, Stacey is sort of in the hot tub. She’s mostly sitting on the side with a clunky one piece suit on, with her feet in the water. Demi and Aiko are having fun splashing each other and play fighting in their bikinis, though. Loverboy watches with a wonderfully happy expression on his face.))

Loverboy: Oh man, this is the best. Aiko, is that Hello Kitty on your bikini bottoms?

Aiko: Hello Kitty! KAWAII!!!

Loverboy: Well, okay, yeah, I’ve never been to Hawaii, but I bet it’s cool there. Demi, what’s your favorite kind of music, dude?

Demi: I’m really feeling Cher Lloyd right now. I would totally collab with her, and, like, be willing to completely lez out with her too. Like JLo and Iggy did for that hot new Booty vid?

Loverboy: Oh, yeah, you mean kinda like how those chicks went at it in the Metallica video for Whisky In The Jar!

((Demi looks confused, then leans way out of the hot tub to reach for her cell phone, pulling up a video to show Loverboy.))

Demi: Like, I thought Metallica all died back in the 60s? I was, like, talking about this kind of girl on girl – this is Jessie J.






((Loverboy watches the video for a second, but seems pretty bored by it. Luckly for him, Aiko is bouncing around in the water and playing like a little kid. Her chest is a lot bigger than the average asian’s, so there’s plenty for him to see. Finally the video ends and Demi looks at Loverboy expectantly.))

Demi: Like, so?

Loverboy: Oh! Yeah, that was fucking terrible, man. That song made me throw up down into my own throat. But damn if Sailor Moon here isn’t keeping me happy!

Aiko: KAWAII!!!!!

Loverboy: Right. So, anyway, Stacey do you want some of this awesome whisky?

Stacey: As if. That stuff is all GMO.

Loverboy: GM… what?

Stacey: It’s all genetically modified! Full of poison! I only drink homemade microbrews or locally bottled ciders. I can give you some literature on it…

((Loverboy chugs at his bottle and goes back to staring at Aiko as she splashes around happily.))

Aiko: KAWAII!!!!!




((Finally, we see Loverboy as he walks over to the bonfire in the backyard, away from the hot tub on the patio. He’s still wet from playing in the tub, but has a towel and is busy fluffing it through his blond hair as he walks up to Blythe, who is sitting alone in front of the fire.))

Loverboy: Hey girl, what’re you doing all by yourself over here?

((Blythe doesn’t seem to hear him, as she raises her arms over her head and starts chanting quietly to herself. In the moonlight and the shadows of the flickering flames, Blythe pulls her shirt off over her head and exposes the pale flesh of her breasts.))

Loverboy: Sweet! Tonight is definitely about to get better!

Blythe: Mother Goddess! Release me from the malady that is life!

((Then, from inside her JNCO pocket, Blythe pulls a slender knife and holds it up over her blank eyed face while the chanting intensifies. Then, she brings the blade down to her chest and cuts into her skin, drawing a single drop of blood.))

Loverboy: NOOOOOOOO! Not the titties!

((Loverboy dives across to Blythe, knocking her backward and sending the knife flying into the night sky. As he rolls on top of the pretty, pale girl, he looks down on her with his piercing blue eyes and gives her his warmest smile.))

Loverboy: Baby! You don’t have to hurt the girls! I’m here to save you! Like a knight in shining armor, man!

Blythe: What the fuck, dude? I was doing a ritual. Where did my athame go!

Loverboy: Your what? Is that a type of bra, dude, because you totally didn’t have one on and that’s not my fault! I’m kinda thrilled about it though, to be honest. You’ve got a pretty amazing rack, sister.

Blythe: Yeah, well… you know, I have no idea why, but I think that was pretty charming, actually. What do you know about ritual sex?

Loverboy: Sex acts have been a ritual of mine for years, baby! Climb on this altar and let’s make us a sacrifice!

((Unfortunately, before Blythe can crawl her sexy, naked self onto the waiting lap of the rock n’ roll megastar, there’s a sudden rustling in the bushes.))

Diesel: SHAWN! Oh my god, dude, I heard you screaming – I’m so glad you’re okay. I thought I’d lost you!

((Diesel falls to his knees and weeps into his silver tank top. Loverboy sighs and comforts the big lug while Blythe rolls her eyes and puts her shirt back on. Loverboy hushes him and strokes his dyed black hair consolingly, reassuring him that everything’s fine.))

Loverboy: Shhhh, shhh… Big D, it’s all cool, dude! I’m fine! We’ve got a house full of liquor, whores and bad ass music! Did Diesel like the twins?

Diesel: ((quietly.)) Yeah…

Loverboy: What’s that? Who was a good dude?

Diesel: I was…

Loverboy: Who?

Diesel: Me! Hell yeah! I made a Big Daddy Cool Bitch-kabob out of those two skanks!

Loverboy: Now THAT’s what I’m talkin’ about, dude! High ten!

((Loverboy has to jump up to slap the big hands of Diesel as he holds them high over his head. The two laugh as Diesel wipes away the last of his tears.))

Loverboy: Hey, dude? Wasn’t there, like, one more girl?

Diesel: Oh, man, I totally forgot to tell you… she spent half the night riding that mechanical bull? Then she said she had to go “hunt her man up some supper.” We haven’t seen her since.

Loverboy: Weird, man. Well, let’s get back to the house and take care of business, alright dude?

Diesel: Too sweet!

Loverboy: Wait… where did you learn that?

Diesel: Oh, the 123 Kid and Razor were saying it a lot while they were screwing around with “Cowboy” Bob Orton. That guy looks AWESOME for his age, man! Anyway, it sounded really cool so now I say it too.

((Loverboy just shakes his head as he walks back toward the house.))




((Fading in to the new scene, six of the seven remaining girls are standing back on the raised stage platform, dressed in pretty evening gowns (well, Blythe is wearing a funeral dress with a veil, but the rest of them are evening gowns) and Loverboy is standing before them all, once again with Big Daddy Cool and Roxy Cotton at his sides. Diesel is holding the mini title belts in his hands.))

Loverboy: Well hotties, it has been a super cool night tonight, man, and I’m so happy that I got meet each and every one of you… it’s been a real blast, but, unfortunately, one of you has to lose your title tonight!

((All of the girls, and Diesel, give a unified “Awwwwwww.”)

Loverboy: Now, after our little mingler, I asked each of you to fill out a really brief questionnaire to see how much about me you really knew. So, the idea was that the winner would get immunity from elimination tonight, and the loser would go home. But there’s been a little bit of a problem, since we can’t find Cheyenne. So, I guess you’re safe, Stacey, even though you wrote that my name was Vance and that I had brown hair. Dude, I mean, can you even see me?

((The camera shows Stacey, who is busy munching on a handful of quinoa, looking like a sad chipmunk.))

Loverboy: Actually, pretty much all of you did terrible. Aiko, I can’t even read your answers because you just drew pictures that look like those awful tattoos frat boys get.

Roxy: Vinnie… that’s Japanese. She doesn’t speak English.

Loverboy: Oh. Well, that’s cool, I give you a free pass then. Are these pictures that Candy drew a different language too?

Roxy: No… no, she’s just stupid.

Loverboy: Right. Gotcha. And Blythe? You just smeared blood on the paper. What the fuck man?

Blythe: I made a covenant unto you, my satyr! The blood from my womb is representative of handing over my maidenhead to you!

((Loverboy looks alarmed, but also completely perplexed. He stammers for a second.))

Loverboy: Uh… so… well, that’s actually pretty fuckin’ cool, dude. You’re cool. And I like your whole “vampire” thing, because I’m kind of a biter in the sack, you know what I mean?

Roxy: He really is.

Loverboy: Hell yeah! But you know guys, what I was really disappointed in was that none of you even knew who my biggest match coming up was, man. Guys, I’ve got a title shot against a midget Batman, and he’s never been beaten one on one! That’s so intense dude! How could you all get his name wrong?

Diesel: Yeah! You sluts are stupid! Shawn here has to wrestle Mascarita Sagrada, he’s a badass luchador and it’s gonna be HARD! You girls don’t even know his name!

Loverboy: Relax big guy… ladies, this match is a big deal. I’m super bummed that almost all of you got that question, and literally every other question wrong. The only real shocker tonight was you, Marcy. I figured you just weren’t into me at all, man, but you aced the test. You even got the extra credit question right. How did you know it was a trick question?

((Marcy gives a sheepish smile.))

Marcy: Well, the question asked what your favorite kind of girl was; redheads, blondes or brunettes… but I figured you were the kind of guy who liked all women.

Loverboy: Totally right, man, totally right. I am NOT a racist, and I have a strict equal opportunity policy to climb aboard the Senator!

Marcy: You’re a little sweeter than that comment would lead people to believe. Oh, and remember how you asked me when I was playing with my graphing calculator?

Loverboy: Of course I do! Any time I see a calculator, I want someone to type in the numbers that say “BOOBS” when you turn it upside down!

Marcy: Right! Well, that got me thinking, so I worked up this algorithm while you were outside swimming – it works out to be: exp(-((x-4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2/1000) + exp(-((x +4)^2+(y+4)^2)^2/1000) + 0.1exp(-((x +4)^2+(y+4)^2)^2)+0.1exp(-((x -4)^2+(y-4)^2)^2) … here, let me just show you.






((Loverboy looks at the laptop screen and he becomes misty just beholding the glorious graph Marcy has created for him.))

Loverboy: Oh wow, dude! You definitely, DEFINITELY passed the test and get to keep rockin’ one of these sexy title belts, girl! Diesel, give her the goods!

((Marcy walks over to Diesel, who slips the slender title belt around her waist while she smiles.))

Loverboy: Well girls, I guess you’re all off the hook tonight, nobody has to go home since Cheyenne –

((Just then, the front double doors get kicked inward. In the doorway stands Cheyenne, dressed in camo Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots, as well as a camo bikini top. Slung over her neck is a deer carcass with an arrow sticking out of its neck.))

Cheyenne: Daddy, Momma’s home – and she done brought dinner with her!

Diesel: RIBS!

Loverboy: Oh thank god! Stacey, get the hell out of here, you’re tour ends tonight!

Stacey: WHAT?

Loverboy: You don’t even shave your pits, dude, that shit’s nasty. See ya later, hippie.

((Stacey stomps off of the stage, lifting her skirt up to avoid stepping on it and revealing stubbly shins and Birkenstock sandals.))

Loverboy: Aw, gross! Geez! Hurry up, man… anyway… girls, you know the big prize at the end of every night is that I choose one of you to come up to my “Loverboy Suite” to spend the night with me. It’s time to go ahead and make that decision, even though it’s probably pretty obvious…

((The shot zooms in on Marcy, grinning and blushing.))

Loverboy: So… Aiko, bring that Hello Kitty ass upstairs and rock my world!

Marcy: Huh??

Aiko: Otaku! KAWAII!!!

Loverboy: Marcy, don’t take it bad, baby, I want us to really spend some awesome time together after tonight. But right now I’m totally craving some sushi! Come on babygirl!

Aiko: Fakku shiri kara watashi no!

Loverboy: No way this crazy anime chick lasts through tomorrow’s cut, Marcy, no worries! See you girls soon!

((Loverboy and Aiko walk up the staircase to his private suite, leaving everyone else behind as the scene fades to black.))

We’ll see you next time on “Loverboy’s Rock of Love!”