So here we are.

You and me.

One on one.

For you, the biggest match of your otherwise unremarkable albeit short career.

For me, a minor annoyance that I need to stomp into the mat before moving on to something that matters.

Don't take it personal LH. I don't hate you. In fact, I'm very ambivalent towards you. For this week we are enemies but after it ends you'll go back to your never ending quest to find yourself and I'll go back to wrestling part time. Unless I'm the Universal Champ in which case I'll go to part part time. That means I'll wrestle only when forced to do so. You know, because I'm cashing in and all. I'm sure you've heard that by now. No doubt you and Shades have entered into some agreement to try and squash my efforts. Wouldn't shock me if he or one of his minions showed up during our match to try and remove me from the equation than as opposed to even running the risk of me showing up later.

No matter. Shades or Evertrust or Crimson Face or Santa Clause and everyone of his little fucking elves could show up, and not a single one of them would be able to help you do the impossible. And that is walk out of our match victorious. So by all means, keep dreaming your dreams, or playing your video games or taking part in a live production of Guys and Dolls, since apparently dressing up and pretending to be something other than what you are is your favorite thing to do. Rather than you know, actually preparing for our match. But keep doing what you do and pretending like you can shrug me off while throwing out your bullshit compliments about how I'm a top dog and a tough competitor or whatever ridiculous pleasantries you threw my way.

Keep pretending like you have a chance in this match outside of getting your teeth kicked in, your bones broken and your blood spilled. There is no version of this that ends well for you. So if you are smart you will walk out your front door tomorrow, see the beautiful blue sky and realize that you would love to see another beautiful blue sky tomorrow. At which point you will do the only rational thing and that is turn around and walk back into your house, sit on your couch and play some old wrestling video games so that you can feel like you aren't a complete fucking failure.

Have I made myself clear yet? Do I seem confident enough to receive your tacit approval? Is the doubt starting to creep in? Are you finally coming to the realization that this time, this time you may have bitten off more than you can chew?

I truly hope so. Because when that bell rings I will find every crack in your defenses, you will feel yourself crumbling from within, I won't stop until you are broken and helpless. There is no where that you can go to get away from me. I will be relentless and merciless and when all is said and done you will finally come to realize that I am every bit the monster you paint me to be.

You said the other day that you are coming for The Brotherhood. That Cain was merely victim one in what I suppose is some vendetta you have against yourself.

I find it intriguing that for a man who declared war on The Brotherhood I didn't see you challenging me for a match. One would think that after you beat Cain you would have been itching to push the envelope a little bit and set out on the 2nd leg of your journey. But you didn't do that did you?

You like to talk a big game but when it comes time to man up you shrink like a cock in a cold pool. Costanza is that you?

Oh what's this?

I just got an alert on my phone, seems that someone just cut another promo. I wonder if LH will finally wake up in this one or if the world's longest hallucination will keep on going.

Let me check this shit out. Emphasis on shit.

Oh...

Well...

I see what you did here...

And done.

That was...without a doubt the most anticlimactic and predictable ending of all time. I mean seriously. Did you mail that garbage in or what?

He wakes up.

That's the big fucking ending that you've been building to while playing out your own little rendition of William Shakespeare's "As You Like It".

If you are going to blatantly rip off one of the most famous monologues of all time the least you could do is end it with a fucking ounce of dignity.

Please tell me that that isn't the real ending? Please tell me that you are actually still asleep. And that the part about Jessica waking you up was all part of your never ending dream.

Please. I'm fucking begging you. For your own sake.

I guess hoping for you to finish the job is too much to ask from a guy like you.

Since that is apparently the ending you are going with it brings up an interesting conundrum. Earlier I went on a little rant about your wife Jessica who is no doubt a massive cunt. At the time I was working under the premise that your mother who I am fairly certain is one half of a gay couple had died and that it was your fault, all of this according to Jessica. Who then kicked you out.

Except as it turns out that wasn't the case.

Jessica didn't kick your out. Your mother, or other father isn't actually dead. Your wife is still most definitely a cunt though. She is a woman after all. Unless she isn't. Life father like son right?

I suppose in your next promo which I am sure you are in the process of filming as you make your way to Mexico you are going to go on a tangent about how I was talking out of my ass. About how Jessica didn't kick you out. You might even find the intestinal fortitude to defend the cunt's honor. That would be noble of you. Ill advised by noble. So here's what I am going to say to that.

Don't bother. It doesn't matter if you wife kicked you out or if she made you a nice steak to enjoy while she blows you for the requisite 15 seconds that it takes for you to blow your load. It doesn't matter if your mother is really a man or if she has a vagina. It doesn't matter if she's alive or dead. It also doesn't matter whether you just led us all on a week long slow suicide with your promos or not. You did by the way.

No, all that matters is this. Come tomorrow night you are going to step into the ring with me, Enigma. The guy in the mask, you are going to look across at me and see a guy who has won some titles, a guy who has left a trail of bodies in his wake and then you are going to realize just how fucking fucked you truly are.

Now it appears that my time is up as I need to get on a plane and head to Mexico City. As I understand it you still have sometime with which to cut another promo so please run along and do so but please make sure that the words you let slip from your lips this time around are better than what have someone managed to air so far. Which I'm still not really clear on how you were able to film promos of your dreams and upload them to the XWF site while you were asleep so please if you could address that I would appreciate it.