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~~Mia Dim~~ · (03-13-2014)

You boys should know the drill by now.

Sun is shinin'.

Dimallisher is liftin'.

Them muscles are bulgin'.

No-- wait-- holy fuckin' shit, we're in Dimmy's front yard!

That's right, we see The Dimallisher making his way out the front door wearing his gray shorts and flip flops. He's sipping on a cup of coffee and his curly ass hair hasn't lost it's shape despite the fact that he just got out of bed.

The Dimallisher is walking down the path that cuts through his front yard and leads him to the mailbox. As he walks down the cement strip, he suddenly gets ambushed by a big ass hairy dog! No warning whatsoever; not even a bark. The mangy animal just charged up on Dimallisher and attacked him.

"Son of a bitch!"

The dog begins to bite Dimallisher's leg! Holy fuck, why is this dog attacking The Dimallisher. Could this be another dastardly attack organized by The Professional?

"Get off of me, you little jackass!"

Dimallisher is struggling to shake this mutt off of his leg. It's sinking them teeth into Dimallisher's flesh, drawing blood. Dim might need to get checked for rabies after this is all said and done.

"God damn it!"

And with that, Dimallisher finally removes the dog from his morning ritual by delivering a devastating mule kick to it's skull. Bill Goldberg trained Dimallisher well, but Dimallisher sure as fuck didn't expect to have to defend himself against some raging canine.

"Take that, you little bastard!"

Dim looks down and expects the dog to run away after that kick, but instead the dog collapses onto the ground. My God, the dog was just knocked unconscious after eating Dim's flip flop for breakfast.

"All I wanted to do was get my God damn mail!"

Dim completes his trip to the mailbox, grabbing the mail and slamming the receptacle shut. He flips through the letters and isn't too thrilled with what he got.

"Nothin' but God damn bills. What the fuck is this shit? Time Warner Cable chargin' me ten dollar late fees... PER DAY?! Son of a bitch!"

Dimallisher decides he's had enough grief for one morning and throws the bundle of letters into the bushes. That bundle of letters happens to smack a little hummingbird in the face, killing the fucker on impact.

"God damn dogs! God damn cable company! What's nex-"

Oh my! Dimallisher suddenly trips, mid-sentence, over something on his front porch. Be careful, Dim, you have a match coming up!

"Shit! What was that?!"

Dimallisher looks down at his feet to find the culprit, and it's a parcel that he overlooked on his way out the door.

"What is this?"

Dimallisher picks up the package which now bears a large dent on the front of it from Dimallisher's knee cap. Dimallisher squints down at the label.

"From... Eli... James. Hmm. Interesting."

Dimallisher kicks open the screen door of his trailer home and takes a seat on his leather couch. He reaches his hand to the coffee table in front of him in search of his hunting knife, but it's nowhere to be found.

"Fuck..."

Dimallisher instead decides to rip the package apart with his bare hands. It's not as easy as slicing it down the middle with ten inch knife, but his hands will get the job done just fine.

"What the hell is this shit..."

Dimallisher examines the contents of the box. Inside is an assortment of items from Eli James IV. They are:

Bible
Book of Eli
Envelope with cash stuffed inside
One plane ticket
Piece of paper with some instructions
A Bible activity book for kids included just for The Dimallisher

The Dimallisher reads the paper out loud; bear in mind that his reading ability is limited.

"You... are... invited... to the... church of... The Second Coming."

We won't even attempt to have Dimallisher read to us the rest of the instructions. Hey Eli! Next time send the guy a fucking voice recording.

"I ain't much of a holy man myself but this looks promising. Oh look, he sent me some puzzles. Thank you, Eli! I love puzzles.

I shall accept Mr. James' invitation to the church service. I will also read these books privately."

"What books?"

INCOMING! It's Dimallisher's fiance Sandy Smith who walks into the room with them mammoth size feet of hers.

[Image: tumblr_m97v9gKikH1rdqkdso1_500_zps621a9725.gif]

"Oh shit!"

Dimallisher tries to hide everything that's laid out on the table but it's far too late. Sandy has already scoped the field.

"What the fuck is all that shit?"

"Oh baby, it's nothin'. I just got invited to go hang out with some friends from work. We got a big match comin' up so we need to meet up."

"You mean them boys from work who be talkin' shit about me in all their little wrasslin' interviews?"

"Oh baby, it's not them. Besides, those other guys are just jealous of how sexy you are. They can deny it all they want but it's true. They can't stop thinking about you so they have to spend time in their promos talking about you."

Sandy blushes.

"You're lyin'..."

"No I'm not! I'm serious. Why else would they agree to have you be the first XWF diva to pose for Playboy? They all voted and it was decisive: they want to see you in the centerfold."

"Ain't nobody wanna see me in Playboy..."

"What do you mean? BABY! Did I not show you?"

"Show me what?"

"The polls!"

Dimallisher pulls out his cellphone which is being held together by a single strand of duct tape. He fumbles around with it until he manages to pull up the XWF website which contains the poll that all of the XWF fans and superstars voted on.

Here

"There it is, right there!"

"Okay, I guess you're right."

"That's all it is, baby. They're just trying to get your attention when they cut them promos about you. They're all a bunch of nerds who can't get any so they gotta try to get with my sexy woman. Look at that beautiful face of yours. Who wouldn't want that accompanying them to the ring?"

"Awww."

"Come here, baby."

Sandy takes a seat next to Dimallisher on the couch. Dimallisher wraps his arm around her, strokes her inner thigh with the other hand, and begins making out with her.

"Mmm."

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