KnightMask and M. Ike Hagar, the head trainer of Slam Master's wrestling gym, are hunched over Hagar's television set, their broad shoulders bumping up against one another in the claustrophobically small Slam Masters back office.

KnightMask: Hang on, you're not giving me enough rooom...

Hagar: Then get outta my way...I'm bigger, its up to you to make space for me!

KnightMask: Do you want to make a fight of this? Hey--I told you there wasn't enough room!

On the screen, Hagar's Herculean avatar clenches his fists and launches into a spinning clothesline, leveling everything in his path, including KnightMask's avatar, Japanese-American in a sleeveless red gi with a black mesh shirt underneath.

KnightMask: Look at my life bar...I've got almost nothing left now! Forget the Mad Gear gang...you and me, right now!

Just then, the door to the office swings open. Standing silhouetted in the entrance, hands on hips, is Slam Master's top female grappler and resident accountant, The Southerner.

Southerner: Are all y'all still playin' them video games? If so, ah do think it'd be mightily chivalrous o'you t'get on out so I c'n use the space for some actual work, like figurin' out y'alls accounts an' numbers?

Her thick, shiny red hair tumbled down a body of lean, sleek and steely thews somehow, some way twisted and fitted into the shape of a perfect hourglass figure, the Southerner did two things to KnightMask few other women could...remind him of Red Sonja...and distract him from a Capcom video game. When he finally, after long seconds, he wrenched his gaze away from her and back to the TV screen, he found his avatar's life bar emptied, the character itself lying prone, its body blinking out of its virtual existence before disappearing from the screen.

KnightMask: I look away for one second...and...that's it, no more lives? Couldn't you have watched my back for one second?

Hagar: That's whatcha get for threaten' a man with a low life bar! Guys get desperate!

KnightMask: Are you telling me it was YOU that took me out while I wasn't watching? Some Mayor of Metro City...

Southerner: Ahem, gentleman, are all y'all gonna get t'watchin' KnightMask's film so's y'can give 'em y'two-cents, y'all c'n leave an' I c'n get t'work?


Southerner saunters out the door and Hagar switches off the Super Nintendo, puts in KnightMask's VHS cassette of his grappling and amateur wrestling matches and presses fast-forward, while staring intently at the screen. Abruptly, he presses stop on the video and turns to face KM.

Hagar: I've seen enough.

KnightMask: Aren't you gonna watch any of my footage?

Hagar: I just did. My mind works on fast forward, just like my offense. Besides, it ain't what I saw, its what I didn't see.

KnightMask: What didn't you see?

Hagar: A suplex. Not a one. You need a high-impact move, KM. If you're gonna hang in today's pro-wrestling circuit, a slick submission game alone isn't enough. Outside of Combat Wrestling and Luta Livre Esportiva, slammin' outta submissions is illegal in the submission-wrestling world.

KnightMask: Not in Abu Dhabi it isn't.

Hagar: But in ADCC, you slam your way outta someone's triangle choke, crowd boos. In the XWF? He can power-bomb you an' your triangle straight t' the Negative Zone an' guess what? The crowd is gonna absolutely love it. Get it? An' you know how North America, head-spikin' is illegal, banned, taboo in MMA, in grapplin', in Greco, freestyle, you name it?

KnightMask: Yep.

Hagar: Well, in the XWF, they don't give a crap. They care even less than if they was Yuji Shimada watchin' Minowaman pile-drivin' Paulo Filho son. You don't step onto Krypton lookin' for a scrap unless you gotta whole lotta Superman in you, 'cause a little Kryptonite ain't gonna take you too far. The Oxygen Destroyer ain't the best way to beat Godzilla an' some punk with a yellow shirt isn't fixin' to take on Green Lantern. You wanna beat the werewolf, screw the silver bullet...he'll dodge it an' tear you apart...you become the werewolf boy!

KnightMask: So you're saying, fight fire with fire?

Hagar: FIGHT FIRE. WITH. FIRE. Only thing better'n Volk Han?



Hagar: Volk Han combined wit' Gary Albright...



....! AND BY THAT I MEAN....MINORU SUZUKI!!!!




YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!

KnightMask nods his head in understanding.

KnightMask: One problem, Hagar. I’ve never actually studied or trained in Greco, other than as a very small piece of some of the high school wrestling camps I attended over a decade again. Most of that was just coaches telling us to “go Greco.” All the amateur wrestling I’ve done has been folk style and freestyle. And 99% of that was folk style.

Hagar: Then we’re gonna put the CRASH into crash course.